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General => General discussion => Topic started by: mongchops on 23 January 2008, 19:43
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What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nuffin, you've told the b!tch twice already! :shocked:
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Why does Noddy wear a bell on his hat?
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Cos he's a c*nt
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Whats blue and f**ks your granny?
Hypothermia.
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What's better than winnigh gold at the paraolympics?
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Having 2 legs.
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What did the blind deaf kid in the wheelchair get for Christmas?
Cancer
:lipsrsealed:
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What's Blue and never fits properly?
a dead epileptic
Hmm - Mongchosp - maybe you should put a warning on the title of this one! I've got one joke I kinda wanna tell, but I think withouth the warning I'll end up upsetting people!
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the night of March 31st and blind little Tim gets tucked up in bed his mum says "If you pray really hard tonight, tomorrow you will be able to see!" So little Tim prays like never before. Morning comes and Tim is still blind. "Mummy, mummy" he cries out "I prayed hard last night but im still blind" His mum gently pats him on the head "I know son" she said "April Fool"
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Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......
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why don't women wear watches?¿?
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There's a clock on the cooker!
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hmmm ....
Whats worth than finding half a maggot in your apple?
Rape.
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Whats worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
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Getting fingered by Captain Hook!
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what has to legs n bleeds??
Half a dog!
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Funeral service: when did you relise ya wife was dead?
Bloke: well the sex was the same but the pots just kept piling up
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what does a bungee jump and a blowjob off a 90 year old woman have in common
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Both feel fantastic til you look down.
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Jake was dying, wife becky was by his bed. "becky" he said "theres somthing i must confess" "shhh theres nothing to confess. its alright. "no i must die in peace" said jake. i shagged your sister, your best friend, her mate and your mother!" "i know" whisperd becky softly............
thats why i poisoned you you b**tard!!!
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I was at the bar with 2 friends, when the question came up of why men call women women birds - one of my friends said "I think it's after doves, because they're peaceful" my other friend said "I think it's after a canary, becasue they sing so beautifuly" I said - I think it's after a thrush, because they're all irritating c*nts!"
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i know.. hundreds of these, and rarely get the chance to use them without offending people, oh well..
What's worse than than having Michael Jackson babysit your kids?
Having Ian Huntley bath them.
What is 18 inches long, stiff and makes women scream at night?
Cot death
Why did Hitler cry when he got to heaven?
God gave him his gas bill.
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A swimmer in the paralympics, no arms or legs, had been training for the 50 metre freestyle for four years by swimming using just his ears. comes the big day, the gun goes off, he dives in and sinks straight to the bottom of the pool and drowns. when he gets to the pearly gate, st peter asks what happened.
"Every thing was going great says the bloke" then some c*nt goes and puts a swimming hat on me"
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seems they have found a cure for homosexuallity........................
lip balm.....
rub it on ya bum hole and it keeps the chaps away!!!
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Bulimia: Twice the tatse, no calories! :wink:
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A tragic accident in Bradford happens apparently a bunk bed collapsed on twenty Pakistanis some sleeping got injured, but the Al-Ikea was the main suspects in the case.
:laugh:
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bloke gets asked by a good looking girl with no arms or legs if he would f"ck her. he says ok, picks her up, puts her in the back seat of his car and drives off. after a while, he pulls up next to a quiet, romantic beach. he lifts her out, carries her down to the beach. looking up at him longingly, she closes her eyes and prepares to be kissed. instead, he gently lays her on the sand. bracing herself for the deed, she lays there. after a few seconds of nothing happening, she opens her eyes to see him walking off.
"what are you doing?" she asks.
he replies "the tides coming in and you are, as you asked, well and truly f"cked".
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2 Kids are comparing gifts after christmas - Little Johnny Says " I got a new scaletrix set" Little Timmy replies "I got 4 huge sets, and I can link them all together and have them going all around my room and I have loads of cars". "Well I got a remote controlled car too" Says Johnny. "I got a remote controlled car, and a remote controlled helecopter AND a boat". "And I got a Wii" Says Jhonny. "I got a Wii, and an PS3 and a new 40" screen to play them on" replies Timmy. "Wow you're so Lucky" Says Johnny "I wish I had Leukemia"
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a muslim in our street doused himself in petrol, set fire to himself and died. we are having a collection for his wife and kids. got 80 litres so far :shocked:
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the latest christmas toy has just hit the shops
a talking muslim doll
nobody knows what it says yet coz no one has the b*ll*cks to pull the cord! :smiley:
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ok here's another but a bit near the mark
two muslims leave pakistan for the UK.
they agree to meet after 2 years to see who's become more english.
two years pass
1st man; i got a beckham shirt,went to support England during football,i drink beer, have a bulldog, i fish and play golf at my country club.
so how english have you become?
2nd man;
F*CKOFF P@KI !
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A muslim woman came to my door the other day
I spoke to her through the letter box - see how she f*cking likes it!
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A muslim woman came to my door the other day
I spoke to her through the letter box - see how she f*cking likes it!
LMFAO :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: QUALITY
after all the furore and mayhem of calling a teddy bear 'mohammed' in Sudan,
'sooty' has cancelled his tour of jamaica!
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How do you get 150 babies in a phonebox?
Put them in a blender. :cool:
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A bloke says to his wife "Tell me something that'll make me happy and sad at the same time" so she says
"Your cocks bigger than your brothers"
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How do you stop a baby from spinning round on a wash line?
Hold up a spade.
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How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry the b!tch. :shocked:
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Two cannibals sit down to have dinner.
One says to the other "i hate my mother in law",
the other replies "just eat your chips then"
I'll get my coat
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Why did the woman cross the road?
Wait, better question, why is she out of the kitchen!?
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Two cannibals eating a clown when one says to the other "does this taste funny to you"
Sorry :undecided: :embarassed:
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Most women kiss with their eyes closed....which is why it's often difficult to get an accurate description of rapists.
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Little black kid dies and goes to heaven. On receiving his wings he flies to God and says
"Look God, I'm an angel"
God replies "No you aint kid, you're a bat now f*ck off"
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Chaps.
Do you want the wife to give you the best ride you have ever had?
Next time you're tubbing it, do her from behind.
Get into your stride.
Call her by her sisters name and HANG ON!
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two men at an airport
'i can't find my wife'
'i can't find mine either, what does yours look like?'
'she's 6ft tall,blonde,big tits,long legs,miniskirt,stockings,high heels and a boob tube, whats yours look like?'
vvvvvv
'f*ck her we'll look for yours'
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Mr Smith goes to the doctors for the results of his wifes blood test.
Doc; Well we've got the test results back, but there was a mix up between two Mrs Smiths and we don't know who's is who's. One is your wifes and the other is someone else.
Mr Smith; Sorry, thats not good enough. But there must be something serious or you would just say that everything is ok.
Doc; Well, its like this. One of them has aids, and the other has alzeimers disease.
Mr Smith; Oh b@llox, well thats pretty serious. How can we find out which one is my wifes?
Doc thinks for a bit, then says, ' tell you what. Go home and pick up your wife in the car. Take her to the middle of town and drop her off to do the shopping. You go home and wait. If she finds her way back safely, don't f*ck her!
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DWARF BUYS A HORSE
A dwarf with a lisp visits a stud farm.
'I'd like to buy a horth', he says to the owner of the farm.
'What sort of horse?' asks the owner.
'A female horth,' the dwarf replies.
So the owner shows him a mare.
'Nithe horth,' says the dwarf, 'Can I thee her eyeth?'
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's eyes and puts
him down again.
'Nithe eyeth', says the dwarf, 'Can I thee her teeth?'
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth and
puts him down.
'Nithe teeth... may I now see her eerth?' the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up, but again picks up the
dwarf to show him the horse's ears and then puts him down.
'Nithe eerth,' he says. 'Now... can I see her twot?'
'With this, the owner picks the dwarf up, and, holding him by the scruff
of his neck and the back of his belt, shoves his head deep inside the
horse's vagin@. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before
pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says, 'Perhaps I should weefwaze that:
vvvvvvvvvvv
Can I see her wun awound?
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What's the difference between Madeline Mccann and Mother Teresa?
Mother Teresa died a Virgin
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What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods?
Fingerpaint
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What do you call a fat bird with a yeast infection?
A whopper with cheese. :kiss:
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(http://farm1.static.flickr.com/36/102065979_8ba898ca6d.jpg)
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I know its cruel but it is still funny
(http://img98.imageshack.us/img98/7176/jeremybeadleplaystationpy2.jpg)(http://img223.imageshack.us/img223/2875/charlesfosterbrainbeadlxo5.jpg)
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Jeremy Beadle was going to get a minutes silence at all the Premiership games this weekend, but his family asked for applause instead.
They said he would appreciate a big hand.
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in jeremy beadles will, he asked to have his body re-cycled as compost and spread on his own garden.
a spokes person for ITV has hinted that beadle might be back early next autumn in ''watch out, beadles a sprout!''
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Apparantly his cremation is gonna be filmed and shown on ITV, its gonna be called
You've been flamed :undecided:
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A lorry driver picks up a woman hitch hiker on the side of the road.
He pulls over on a quiet stretch of road and the woman asks him what he is doing? He asks her if she wants to have sex? She says "I can't I'm on my period."
He says "That doesn't matter."
So they get in the back of the cab and he goes down on her.
A police officer drives by and sees the lorry rocking.
So he gets out and knocks on the door of the lorry.
The lorry driver opens the door and asks if he can help the officer.
The officer asks him what he is doing? He says, licking his fingers, "Eating Pizza!"
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How many screws in a lesbians bed???
None
its all tounge and groove!!!
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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur????
A lick-a-lotta pus
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What do men and patios have in common??
Lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for years!!!!
:kiss:
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A blonde calls the firebrigade and says her house is on fire,
they ask how they get there
she says
Helllooooo In the f**king big red lorry!!!!!
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News just in
Jeremy Beadle didn't Die from pnemonia.
He was playing cards and put down a dodgy hand
Ok
coat
door
leaving
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following the untimely death of jeremy beadle today it has been decided that a minutes silence wuold be the most fitting tribute.
this will be held at midday tomorrow when the big hand reaches the little hand!
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How do you keep a dumb blonde busy for hours?
Page down.....
Page up............... :grin:
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Blonde takes her car to the garage, fearing an expensive bill.
But the mechanic returns in 2 mins with the car fixed "nothin serious love................just sh*t in the filter"
She replies
"really, how often do I have to do that?"
:grin: :grin: :grin:
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why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
so people dont think they're lesbians.
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what do you call a russian prostitute?
onyabackyab!tch. :smiley:
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Jeremy Beadles manager said he will be sadly missed, he was a great man who worked round the clock, sadly the little hand couldnt keep up with the big hand. :huh:
Two parrots sat on a perch, one says to the other "can you smell fish"
Whats black and white and hungry ?
Heath Ledgers cat
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A bloke is sitting in a pub with his friends b!tching about going home to his wife.
His friends ask him why he doesn't want to go home to such a fine looking woman and he replies...
"Well, the problem is that she has Gonnorrhea"
So what say the friends, flip her over, shove it up her dirtbox.
"Well, she also has diarrhea" the guy says.
"Yuck, but what about her mouth." The friends chime in.
"Halitosis" the man says.
"Damn, Why would you stay with her?" The friends say.
"Well," the guy replies "She also has worms, and you guys know how I like to fish." :smiley:
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A woman goes to the doctor with a bloated stomach and pains.
Doctor doesn't know what's wrong so he takes a blood sample and tells her to come back in a week .
The woman comes back and says 'Oh doctor, I'm in such pain, what's wrong with me?'
to which the doctor replies 'Well, let's put it this way, I hope you like changing nappies'.
So the woman says 'Oh, I am going to have a baby?'
and the doctor says 'No, you've got bowel cancer'. :rolleyes:
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The confession line was very long and the priest needed to use the bathroom badly.
He called in one of the alter boys and asked him to fill-in for a minute.
The priest gave him a list of sins & penance. Just match them up.
The first women confessed to giving the neighbor a blowjob and anal sex.
These weren't on the list, so the alter boy asked another alter boy,
"What does the father give for anal sex and a blowjob?"
"He usually gives me a bag of chips"
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A woman was seriously injured in an auto accident that caused her to go into a coma. After months of treatment, she still showed no signs of recovery. One day the nurse was giving the lady a sponge bath. When the nurse wiped her pussy, the lady quivered. The nurse was excited. She ran into the doctor's office and informed him of the situation. The doctor took the sponge and wiped the lady's pussy and again she quivered.
Immediately the doctor called the lady's husband. When the husband arrived at the hospital, the doctor suggested to him, "Your wife is responding to stimuli. You may be able to bring her out of the coma. Try having oral sex with her. She may respond to your touch and your smell. She needs you." The husband was more than willing. He was however a little embarrassed about having oral sex in front of the doctor. The doctor suggested that he and the nurse would monitor the event from another room across the hall.
So the doctor hooked the lady up to several electrodes and he and the nurse went to the other room to monitor the session. After a while of watching the meters go beep.... beep.... beep...., the heart monitor flat lined. The lady had died. The doctor and nurse ran into the room and asked, "What happened? Your wife is dead!!" The husband replied, "I think she choked." :rolleyes:
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This bloke is sitting in his living room surfing the channels on the television.
All of a sudden, the door whips open and his girlfriend storms through.
She screams, "You f**king asshole!" and she heads into the bedroom.
Stunned, the man flips off the television and walks toward the bedroom, wondering, "Now what have I done?"
Inside the bedroom he finds the girl furiously packing a suitcase. He asks her what's up.
She responds with a hiss, "My therapist says that I should leave you and that you're a pedophile!"
The man responds, "Wow, you're pretty smart for a 12 year old."
:rolleyes:
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Did you hear about the man who raped a deaf and dumb girl,and then broke her fingers so she could'nt tell her mum.
Q. Whats the difference between a woman and a sh!t?
A. You dont have to cuddle a sh!t after you've had it.
:rolleyes:
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A fella wins the lottery and after great thought decides that he wil blow as much as it takes on a really comfy pair of shoes. Finally, after a great deal of searching he finds the most comfortable pair of shoes ever made, in a soft white leather.
Feeling chuffed he tells the assistant he'll buy them.
Thankyou sir, that will be £25,000.00 please.
What! gasps the fella, 25 grand - I know they're wonderful but how can you justify that price tag?
The assistant smiles, well sir, they're made from genuine human skin - thats why they're so soft and comfortable.
Even so, said the fella, thats a bit steep.
The assistant looks around then takes the fella to one side and whispers -
We also have them in black for £1.99
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A blind bloke walks into a shop with his guide dog. They go to the centre of the shop and the blind guy picks his dog up by its back legs and starts swinging it around.
Stop that! yells the manager, what do you think you're doing?
'Just having a quick look around' replies the blind guy.
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A word of advice
Never sleep with a down syndrome dwarf.
Its not big and its not clever!!
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A trainee mortition was on his first day at the funeral parlour. He was asked to sweep and clean up in the prep room. Moments later, he went to his employer and said, 'you know that dead body of a woman in the prep room?' 'Yes'. said hid employer.
'Well there is a prawn in her girl thingy', said the 16 year old. 'A prawn?' bellowed the boss. 'As sure as I am standing here there is a prawn in that dead ladies girl thingy!' retorted the boy.
They went down to the prep room and the boss pulled back the sheet.
'Thats not a prawn, that is her clitoris!' laughed the employer.
The boy bent over the body. 'It is??' he asked. 'Well it looks like a prawn, and it tastes like a prawn'
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A lesbian goes to a nutritionist because she has indigestion.
The nutritionist says "It's simple - you are what you eat".
so the lesbian turns to her and says...
"Are you calling me a c*nt?"
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A man walks into a sex shop and tells the woman behind the counter he's looking for a blow up doll.
The woman asks "Would you like a christian or muslim doll?"
Confused the man says "What's the difference?"
"Well," replies the woman, "the muslim one blows herself up!"
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Ever hear of the Gary Glitter burger?
It's 60 year old meat in ten year old buns. :shocked:
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Reuters Newsflash..................
After yet another earthquake, rescuers in Pakistan have this morning confirmed that the number of dead so far is over 30,000 people and is still rising..........they will attempt to enter a third house this morning.
:rolleyes:
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Freddie Mercury, Versace and Princess Di arrive at the Pearly gates.St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to put forward their case for entry.
Freddie says "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be"
"Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"
Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I'll completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherubs to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place"
"Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Di?"
Diana doesn't say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her arse, lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over the floor.
"Excellent, you're in" says St Peter
"Hold on a f**king minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything"
"Bollocks, Fred you know the rules" says St Peter, "A royal flush beats a pair of Queens...."
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A 12 yr old girl sits on santa's knee.
Santa says " so what would you like for Xmas?"
The girl replies "I'd like some hair around my fanny."
Santa looks at the girl and whispers into her ear "Would a white beard be OK for you?"
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A man walks into a bar and says to the barman "Line me up ten whiskies"
So the barman lines them up and the man gulps them down one after another.
Says the barman, "What are you celebrating then?".
"My first blow job" replies the man.
"Oh well" says the barman "for that I'll buy you one myself."
"No thanks" says the man "If ten doesn't get rid of the taste, another one wont help."
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Jesus walks into a hotel and throws a load of nails over the counter.
'Put me up for the night!' he says. :lipsrsealed:
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This one is funny as f*ck but a tad sick.
How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.
:evil:
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What's 6 ft tall, black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron!
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a guy walks into a bar and orders 10 pints and starts downing them.
barman.. do u have a problem mate
guy..yes ive only got 7pence
coat gone nite pissed
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Lewis Hamilton has gone into hiding to get away from all the racist comments that he encountered in Barcelona. A McLaren spokesperson said that the public need not worry as he will come out of his tree when he gets hungry. :lipsrsealed:
(Sorry Lewis. I am actually your biggest fan....but it was funny!)
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Mambo is a 5 year old orhpan with aids living in Zambia.
He has to walk 5 miles to school and 5 miles from school every day.
Your donation of just £1.00 can help buy Mambo a pair of Reebok trainers so that the lazy c@nt can run!
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How many men does it take to deffend Paris ?
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No one knows, its never been tried :wink:
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A tramp runs into a pub and says
" barman , barman, quick give me a tooth pick,"
now the barman is a bit confused and asks,
"why do you want a tooth pick?"
and the tramp just replys,
" just give me the f*cking tooth pick"
so the barman gives him the tooth pick,
then another tramp comes in and also asks for a tooth pick and the barman gives it to him no questons asked,
two more tramps come in and the same happens
then another tramp comes in and asks for a straw, the barman asks him,
" hey , all the other tramps wanted tooth picks, how come you want a staw?"
the tramp replys,
" well some body spewed outside and all the chunky bits are finished!"
:sick:
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>> An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of
>> Montecassino went to the local church for confession.
>>
>> When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional,
>> the man said, "Father ... during World War II, a
>> beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood
>> knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her
>> from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
>>
>> The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you
>> did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."
>>
>> "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me
>> with sexual favours. This happened several times a week,
>> and sometimes twice on Sundays."
>>
>> The priest said, "By doing that, you placed yourselves
>> in great danger. However, two people under those
>> circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness
>> of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your
>> actions, you are indeed forgiven."
>>
>> "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.
>> But I do have one more question."
>>
>> "And what is that, my son?" asked the priest.
>>
>> "Should I tell her the war is over?"
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Appologies if its been posted before :smiley:
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
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Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
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"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
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"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
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So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died."
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said "You are."
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So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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So I rang up a local building firm,
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said
'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'
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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me
'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
"Does this taste funny to you?"
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.
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A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time"
The man replied, "I know I've been ill"
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A man walked into the doctors,
he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "well don't go to those places"
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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
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I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
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Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.
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Phone answering machine message -
"...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."
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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
--------------------------------------------------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.
--------------------------------------------------------
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
--------------------------------------------------------
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
--------------------------------------------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all
that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
--------------------------------------------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
--------------------------------------------------------
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"
-
a man comes home to find his wife in bed with his best mate
so the man stabs his mate to death, the wife say's:
if you carry on like that, you wont have any friends left
-
Welsh Police Chiefs are complaining about the serious over stretching of thier officers.
One insider said "It all stems from the extra officers that we have had to deploy in the Bridgend area to combat all these kids just hanging around"
:shocked:
-
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my thingy touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.
-
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.
After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer. "Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."
-
A: What do you call a gay man's scrotum?
Q: Mud flaps!
:grin:
Four kinds of Sex
The first is Smurf Sex - This happens during the honeymoon period of a relationship, you keep doing it and doing it, until you're blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex - This is at the beginning of your marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, anyplace, even in the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex - You've calmed down a bit, perhaps you have had some kids, so you have to do it in the bedroom. The fourth kind is
Hallway Sex - This is where you pass each other in the hallway, look each other in the eye and say, ‘F@CK YOU!’
oh sh!t... me n my missis are between the last 2!!! lmao oh dear!!
-
Four kinds of Sex
The first is Smurf Sex - This happens during the honeymoon period of a relationship, you keep doing it and doing it, until you're blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex - This is at the beginning of your marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, anyplace, even in the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex - You've calmed down a bit, perhaps you have had some kids, so you have to do it in the bedroom. The fourth kind is
Hallway Sex - This is where you pass each other in the hallway, look each other in the eye and say, ‘F@CK YOU!’
there's 5 actually...
The fifth kind is Court Sex - This happens when the divorce is going through and she tries to screw you for every penny you have :wink:
-
EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY - Maybe this is the true version
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
'So, how is everything going?' enquired God.
'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful.
But I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain,' reported Eve.
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced,' as she put it.
'That is a fair point,' replied God, ' But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'
'Just fantastic,' she replied, ' But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off.
The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.
Now let's see............where did I put that useless tit?
.
.
.
Now doesn't T H A T make more sense than that crap about the rib?
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :cool: :cool:
-
Universal Truths
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every man has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
22) Its impossible to look cool while picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
-
Can't help but post this, good for a laugh
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I’ll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its bum."
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does a Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on……. Yes, it caught me too!
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
-
1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity: www.whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views: www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island: www.thingyland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder: www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company: www.powergenitalia.com
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you're looking for computer software: www.ipanywhere.com
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church: www.cummingfirst.com
9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers: www.speedofart.com
10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? www.gotahoe.com
-
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v623/slicko1/ATT1.jpg)
this was an actual article ran back in the 50s too... :laugh:
-
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
-
A bloke says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."
She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."
They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."
He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
The postman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."
:smiley:
-
Nigel comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favour. It feels like something's stuck up my arse. Could you check it out for me?"
His roommate lubes up his finger and shoves it up Nigel's arse, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."
Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out."
So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Nigels's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.
He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your arse."
Nigel starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
:smiley:
-
After many years at sea, John returned to his home village while on leave. He hadn't had a woman for may years and was desperate.
He immediately searched for a brothel. After searching, he finds a suitable establishment.
After entering the brothel, he asks the madam how much for a woman.
'£100' she replies
'I can't afford that, I only have 50p'
'I'm sorry sir but we have nothing for as little as 50p'
'But please help me.. I'm desperate... I have been at sea for many years.... I need a woman... any woman!'
The lady thinks for a moment and grins to herself.
'Well if you are that desperate... go to room 23 down the hallway.'
Grateful to the madam, he searches for room 23.
He finally finds the room and enters. Inside he discovers the most grotesque woman alive. Spots on her face, greasy hair etc.
'How do you want me luv?'
'Errr, on your back with your legs in the air!'
When she lays on her back and parts her legs, he is horrified to see crabs running in between her legs.
'Yuck, I ain't doing that'
'Well, I can turn on all fours!' she replies
'Ok' says the man and immediatly she gets on all fours.
'Oh my god... you have sh!t all over your arse.. that's sick'
'Well there is one more way we can do this.'
'Is there?' he asks
'Yeah...' and she removes an eye from its socket. 'Stick your dick in there... go on!'
He places his dick in the empty socket and starts pumping hard.
Minutes later he orgasms violently.
'That was fantastic... how 'bout you?'
'Great... when will you be in town next?'
'In about 2-3 years time!'
'Great, I'll keep an eye out for you then!'
:grin:
-
I know i'm a few pages too late for the Beadle jokes, but apparently he had a small willy....................................on the other hand though it was massive.
-
Gazza sectioned under the Mental Health act and sent to a institution for retards with no chance of recovery. "We're glad to have him back" says Keegan :undecided:
-
In response to Frank Bruno's offer of support, Gazza has, by way of a thank you, booked Bruno into a series of top class sun bed sessions.
:smiley:
-
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his arse.
What's pink and hard?
A pig with a flick knife.
What's 100 yards long and smells of piss?
The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings.
:smiley:
-
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, the b!tch should have it open by the time she brings it to you.
:grin:
-
Theres a Russian, a Cuban, an Englishman and a Pakistani on a train, the Russian takes out a bottle of his best vodka, drinks a bit and throws the rest off the train and says 'theres plenty more of that where i come from'.
The others are impressed so the Cuban takes out one of the finest havana cigars, takes one puff and throws it off the train and says 'theres plenty more of those where i come from'.
Again everyone is rather impressed so the Englishman stands up and throws the Pakistani off the train.....
-
This one is a bit close to the mark but hey, what the f*ck...
How do you make a six-year-old girl cry twice?
f**k her in the arse, then wipe your dick on her teddy bear.
:grin:
-
What's got one ball and F*cks women??
Peter Sutcliffes' hammer
-
I was in bed last nigth with a girl who was laying there panting, trying to catch her breath and repeating my name.
Shoulda held the pillow down longer.
-
found this while i was surfing
At 00:54 on Wednesday the 27th February, an earthquake measuring 5.1 on the Richter scale hit the UK, causing untold disruption and distress:
Many were woken well before their giro arrived.
Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costas were damaged.
Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting has happened in the UK.
One resident, Donna-Marie Dutton, a 17 year old mother-of-seven said:
"It was such a shock, little Chantal-Britney came running into my bedroom crying.
My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it. I was still shaking when I was watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."
Apparently though, begging, thieving, and grovelling did carry on as normal.
The British Red Cross have so far managed to import 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to help the stricken masses.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos.
HOW YOU CAN HELP
£2 buys chips, scraps and blue pop for a family of four.
£10 can take a family to Stockport for the day, where children can play on an unspoiled canal bank among the national collection of stinging nettles.
22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim.
PLEASE ACT NOW
Simply email us by return with your credit card details and we'll do the rest!
Don't worry; we bank with a reputable UK bank (Northern Rock) so you know your money is in safe hands.
If you prefer to donate cash, there are collection points available at your local branches of Argos, Iceland and Clinton Cards.
-
*this one was the original one :grin:*
An earthquake measuring 4.3 on the Richter scale hit Preston in the early hours, its epicentre was in Lincolnshire. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Fuuuckinell".
The tremor decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.
Rock FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Preston. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes come running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Nike or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
***Breaking news***
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.
'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, "Fishwick" said the girl, "wossit gotta do wiv you?"
Please don't forward this to anyone living in Preston - oh, sod it... they won't be able to read it anyway.
-
Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says,
"You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her clit was just like a pickle."
"What," the other asks, "green?".
"No," says the first, " a bit sour."
:smiley:
-
A copper stops his police car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The chap is laying on his side with his trousers pulled down, the girl has her finger in his asshole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.
The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"
The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."
The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."
She says, "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth."
:smiley:
-
Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.
"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"
:smiley:
-
A man, dying from thirst, was crawling through the desert. He crawled over a hill and sees a little bar surrounded by cars. He crawls in the front door and up to the bar. He chokes out the word, "Water!"
The bartender looks at him and says, "Got any money?"
The guy shakes his head no and again says, "Water!"
The bartender says, "No money, no water."
The guy looks around and spots a spittoon. He tells the bartender, "Guess I'll have to drink this."
The bartender replies, "Be my guest, no money, no water."
Customers see the man drinking out of the spittoon, start getting sick and start rushing out the door in droves.
The bartender gets alarmed and tells the guy to stop, saying he was just kidding. The guy keeps on drinking. By now the bartender is in a panic as the place is almost empty. He pleads with the guy to stop drinking.
As the last customer leaves the guy puts the spittoon down and wipes his mouth off. The bartender asks, "Why did you keep on drinking? I told you I was just kidding."
The man responds, "I couldn't stop."
"Why not?" the bartender asks.
The guy replies, "Cos it was all one long string!"
:sick:
-
Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill.
"What was that?" The others asked her.
"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked.
"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong."
They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked her.
"It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this f**king sweater!"
:smiley:
-
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady
standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells
her, "Your hair smells nice."
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes
her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states
that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this
decision and asks," What's sexually threatening about a co-worker
telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, " It's Keith, the dwarf."
-
Subject: Morning sex
>
>
>
> She was in the kitchen preparing
> to boil eggs for breakfast.
> He walked in; She turned and said,
> You've got to make love to me this
> very moment."
>
> His eyes lit up and he thought,
>
> "This is my lucky day."
> Not wanting to lose the moment,
> he embraced her and then gave
> it his all; right there on the kitchen
> table.
> Afterwards she said, "Thanks,"
> and returned to the stove.
>
> More than a little puzzled, he asked,
> "What was that all about?"
>
>
> She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
>
>
>
-
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.
The sign says:
'SEX FROGS'
Only $20 each!
Comes with 'complete' instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the b ottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions . please call the pet store.'
So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'
The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:
'LISTEN TO ME!!
I'm only going to show you how to do this
ONE ... MORE ... TIME!!!
-
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.
�
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
�
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
-
in an R.E lesson the teacher explaines to the children that they are all desendants of adam and eve.
at this point a child puts his hand up.
"yes" says the teacher "do you have a question?"
miss you sey we all come from adam and eve but my fayher told me we decended from apes!
teacher replies "yes leroy thats just your lot"
...
maxine is sitting at a bar alone,
a man walks up to her and asks "your very pretty, can i buy you a cocktail?"
"no thanks" says maxine "alcohol makes my legs go funny"
"oh" replies the man "does it make them swell?"
"no" she replies "it makes them spread"
...
if a long dunkie goes on a long prik, a short dunkie goes on a short prik what goes on a thick prik?
england rugby shirt
-
A Welsh lad came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play.
'Wonderful, 'replies his mother, 'what part is it?'
The boy says, 'I play the part of the Welsh husband.'
The mother scowls and says, 'Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part.'
-
Two Taffs are walking down different ends of a street toward each
other and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey
Dai, what you got in the bag?"
"Just some chickens."
"If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"
"I'll give you both of them."
"OK. Ummmmm......, five?"
:smiley:
-
Whats the difference between PITY and SHAME ??????
Busload of Taffs crash with no survivors is a PIYT,
But there were 3 empty seats ; Now thats a SHAME.
:smiley:
-
A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop. After looking around
for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had
no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to have it anyway. So
he took it to the owner and said: How much is this bronze rat?The owner
replied: It is £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.Well the tourist
gave the man his £12 and said I’ll just take the rat you can keep the story.
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled
out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting,
so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the
swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing &
screeching in a very menacing way.He increased his speed & ran on towards
the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now
numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster. By now very
concerned, he ran to the edge of the sea and threw the bronze rat far out
into the water. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water
after it and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: Ah, you’ve come back for the story then! No, said the tourist. I came back to see if you’ve got a bronze Taffs!
:smiley:
-
man goes to the doctors
" hey doc, ive got a problem! each time i masturbate i sing the english national anthem"
doc "dont worry mate, a lot of wayne kerrs do"
-
Q: What do you call a sheep tied to a fence in Wales?
A: A leisure center.
Q. What do you call a Welshman with many girlfriends?
A. A Shepherd.
Q. Did you hear that Welsh people have discovered a new use for sheep?
A. Wool.
Old Jones' nickname
A man moves to a village in Wales and gets talking to an old man from the village.
He asks the old man what his name is, but the old man gets very irate at this point and says:
- See that line of houses over there? I built them all, but do they call me Jones the house builder? Do they hell!
- See those railway lines over there? I laid them all, but do they call me Jones the engineer? Do they hell!
- See those bridges over that river? I built them all, but do they call me Jones the bridge builder? Do they hell!
- But, a long long time ago, I f**ked ONE sheep...
-
How does a welshman find a sheep in a field?
Irresistable!
-
A Welshman finally makes his fortune and is having his dream house bulit. As he talks to the architect on how he wants the house built he says, 'See that tree there, don't cut it down because under that tree I made love for the first time.'
The architect says he understands the sentimental value of the tree and he will design the house so that the tree isn't harmed.
Then the man says, 'And you see that tree over there, I don't want it cut either, because her mother stood there and watched as we made love.'
The architect could hardly believe his ears,'That's incredible, what did her mother say?'
To which the man replies,'Baaaaaa.''
Wales.
Where men are men, and sheep are nerveous
A Welshman and his dog are shipwrecked onto a deserted island. After a few days he decides to reconnoiter the island. He discovers that the only other inhabitants are sheep. He recalls how his farm buddies would brag how they would screw sheep for kicks and he says to himself: 'I'll never be that desperate.'
Sooooo, a few days later he can't get those sheep out of his mind, and soon he's sneaking up on the flock. Just as he is about to pounce on a really cute one, the dog grabs his leg and won't let go. He snaps to, and thanks the dog for keeping him from making a fool of himself. This same scene happens every night for a month and the guy is really getting pissed at the dog.
Suddenly one day, the man spies a liferaft bobbing in the surf. In the raft is a beautiful young girl, half dead but alive. He takes her back to his hut revives her and nurses her to health. After a few days the girl is feeling fine, and that evening a rush of gratitude sweeps over her....
She confronts the man: 'I owe you my life. I'm yours forever. I'll do anything you want'
'Anything?'
'Anything!!'
'OK, hold that dog for ten minutes!!!'
:smiley:
-
Four business men are having a relaxing sauna,
They start to talk about technology and the latest gadgets they have on them.
The English chap starts talking to his writs and he boasts about the latest chip and talk implant so he never looses communication with his workers.
The Scottish man starts blinking rapidly, everyone asks Jock what have you got?
He replied I can surf the net anytime I wish. I have an implant on my eyes so I can see and web brows with a flicker of an eyelid.
The welsh man starts to unscrew his foot off.
What have you got Taffy I've got a new foot implant it’s a total wireless communication device look flat screen on the sole. WOW..!!! Everyone mutters.
The Irish guy starts to feel uncomfortable with all these latest gadgets his friends have and goes out then suddenly comes back in, everyone stared at him and asked
“Paddy you have paper still stuck on your arse it’s along piece mate.â€Â
The Irish guy turns around as says,
"Bejevius would you believe it, I've got a fax coming through!â€Â
-
How many men does it take to mop a floor?
None. It's a woman's job.
How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None
Let the b!tch cook in the dark!
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what's the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father ponders for a moment and then answered "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid and also ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid, then come back and tell me what you've learned".
So the boy went to his mother and asked "Mum would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid?" The mother replied, "Definitely, I wouldn't pass an opportunity like that." The boy then went to his older sister and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid?" The girl replied "Oh gosh, I would just love to do that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity."
The boy then thought about it for a few days, and went back to his father. His father asked him "Did you find the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on 2 million quid, but realistically we're living with two slappers.
"The father replied, "That's my boy."
Why does it take two gay men to rape a girl?
One holds her down while the other does her hair.
What's red and orange and looks good on Taffs?
Fire.
Q: What's the best part about 6 year old girls?
A: After you're done with them, you can turn them over and use them as 6 year-old boys!
An elderly man is driving down the M1 when his mobile rings.Answering it,he hears his wife on the other end.
"albert",she says,"please be careful when you`re driving back. I just heard on the radio
that there`s a maniac on the M1. he`s driving the wrong way!"
"its not just one" albert replies,"There`s f*cking hundreds of them!"
:smiley:
-
whats the difference between a blonde and a walrus?
one has fishy flaps and whiskers and the other is a walrus.
:smiley:
-
A man walks into a pub with his monkey.He orders a pint and sits down to drink it.while he`s sitting at the bar,his monkey is out of control.It jumps up on the pool table and eats the cue ball.The landlord runs up to the man and says,"Did you see what your stupid monkey just did?"
"No, what did the stupid f**k*r do this time?" says the man.
"He just ate the cue ball!" shouts the landlord.
"I hope it kills the stupid bastard," says the man.
About two weeks later,the man comes backto the pub with his monkey.while he`s drinking at the bar,his monkey is agaian out of control.The monkey finds a grape at the bar,picks it upsticks it up his arse,and then eats it.
The landlord,having seen this,asks the man:"Did you see what your sick monkey just did?"
"No",says the man.
"He just stuck a grape up his arse and ate it," the landlord tells him.
"Well,what do you expect?"asks the man."Since that pool ball he measures everything first!"
:smiley:
-
While enjoying a drink with his mate one night,ryan decides to try his luck with an attractive lady sitting by the bar.She lets him join her for a drink and to his surprise asks him to accompany him home.They spend the night hard at it.Finally they finish;Ryan rolls off,pulls out a cigarette and looks for his lighter.
He asks his new love if she has a light.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer",she replies.
Opening the drawer he finds some matches on top of a framed photo of another man.Naturally he begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he enquires nervously.
"No,silly" she replies.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No",she replirs,snuggling up to him.
"Who is he then?"
"Thats me,before the operation!"
:smiley:
-
Fred rings his boss at work and says "Look, i'm really sorry,but i can't come to work today,i'm sick".
"Sick!" screams his boss "Sick! This is the tenth time this month, Fred. Exactly how sick are you?"
"Well",replies Fred."I`m in bed with my 9 year old sister"
:smiley:
-
This rich man having a conversation with his 17 year old boy.
Well son its your birthday what do you want?
Well Da Da I've always wanted a Ferrari F40 fully loaded!
Well son I'll make a deal with you if your dick can touch your arse I'll buy you one son.
Well months go by and his son starts to stretch his knob harder and harder everyday until it starts to sag so far down it just touches his ass with a woody.
Da Da look my dick can finally reach my arse, can I have the Ferrari?
Father: Well done son now and go and f*ck yourself!" :wink:
-
Kids - What can we do with them
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principals office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: " What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps in to?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principals eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......
-
One day Kyle's dad brought home a robot. The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.
Kyle returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son why are you late from school?"
Kyle answered, "Dad, we had extra classes today".
Much to his astonishment the robot jumped up and slapped Kyle on his face.
His dad told him, "Son this robot is special in that it can detect a Lie and will then slap the person who lied. Now come on tell me the truth.
Why are you late?"
"Dad, I went to a movie"
"Which movie?"
"The Ten Commandments"
Immediately, Kyle got a slap on the face from the robot.
"Sorry Dad, I went to see the movie Sex Queen".
"Shame on you son, when I was your age I never watched obscene movies or misbehaved" Immediately, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.
Hearing the last sentence, Kyle's mother comes walking out of the kitchen and sarcastically says to her husband, "After all he is YOUR son!!!"
To which the robot steps up and gives Kyle's mother a resounding slap on her face!
-
A Taliban suicide bomber pulls the plug and explodes... BOOM!!! A short while later he finds himself on a huge white staircase leading towards the heavens, so he starts climbing up. After an hour of hard climbing, he arrives at a landing where an old man in white robes with a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by ledgers.
"Excuse me sir" he says "are you Mohammed?" "No" replies the old man, "I am St Peter, Mohammed is further up the stairs". "But this is wonderful news" screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than St Peter! I can hardly believe it'.
With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After an hour or so of hard climbing he arrives at another landing. Standing on the landing is a serene looking man with long hair and a long white beard.
"Excuse me sir" he says "are you Mohammed?" "No" replies the old man, "I am Jesus, Mohammed is further up the stairs". "But this is amazing news" screams the bomber, "Mohammed is higher than Jesus! I can hardly believe it, martyrdom is wonderful!!"
With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After another hour or so of hard climbing he arrives on a huge landing. There, sitting on a magnificent throne is another old man, with flowing white robes, beard and long white hair.
"Excuse me sir" he says "are you Mohammed?" "No" replies the old man, "I am God." "But this is absolutely amazing news" screams the bomber, "Mohammed is higher than God! I am so happy I can't believe it, martyrdom is more than wonderful!"
"You look tired my son" said God, "would you like to sit down and rest a while?" "Oh yes" replied the bomber, "I am very tired and would love a rest before I carry on, thank you".
The bomber sits down and God says: "You look thirsty my son, would you like a cup of coffee?" "Oh yes please" replies the bomber, "I am most thirsty, thank you".
With this God turns and snaps his fingers and shouts "Oi, Mohammed, two coffees over here and make it snappy!!"
-
What has Patrick Swayze and Heath Ledger got in common?
Nothing........Yet!
:smiley:
-
Jewish man takes his wife to hospital, she has 2 black eyes, no teeth and a broken nose.
Doctor says, "What happened?"
Jew replies, "She was going through the change."
"What? The change? This doesn't happen in the change!"
"It does when it's in my f*cking pocket!"
:smiley:
-
What does a black man say to a woman when he's making love to her??
"Scream and you die!"
:smiley:
-
Patrick Swayze has agreed to star in the upcoming sequel Ghost 2
They start filming in about 5 weeks....
:smiley:
-
Still no sign of Pakistan setting up an earthquake fund for Britain is there? I say, next time they have one, F*ck em!!!
-
What's long and hard and makes women groan?
An Ironing Board.
:smiley:
-
My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me to one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green, and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big f*cking red mark on her forehead.
:smiley:
-
I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.
Unfortunately, it's only for victims.
:smiley:
-
Why don't black people go on cruises?
They're not falling for that one again.
:smiley:
-
A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men".
So he stabbed her & nicked her purse.
:smiley:
-
My girlfriend said I've got the biggest cock she'd ever seen,
That's one of the benefits of going out with a six year old.
:smiley:
-
What's the difference between your c*ck and your payslip?
Your wife will always blow your payslip!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Which is the odd one out? eggs, meat, wife, blowjob?
You can beat eggs, beat meat, even beat your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob!
-
2 fish in a tank one says to the other "how the f@^k do you drive this thing?"
-
The Poopie List
GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet.
CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.
SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.
DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait are the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.
THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!
-
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
How do you p*ss off a female archaeologist??
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.
How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men...
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.
Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.
****************************** *
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
****************************** *
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register
and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
-
A plumber was caught having sex with one of the queens dogs whilst at work in buckingham palace.. Police have released him with no charge as he is corgi registered.....
Does anyone want to buy a set of encyclopedias, 45 in the set and nearly new.... Dont need them any more as recently got married and the wife knows f...... everything.....
A man pinched his wifes bum and said firm that up and you could get rid of your girdle.. Later he squeezes her boobs and says firm them up and you wouldnt need a bra.. Later on she grabs his privates and says firm that up and i wouldnt need the gardener, milkman, postman or your brother
An eskimo is on holiday in wales and his car breaks down.. He calls the aa out and the guy looks under his bonnet."You have blown a seal" he tells the eskimo..
"so what your people sleep with sheep now whats up with my car" he replies
If people from Poland are called Poles,then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If 4/5 people SUFFER from diahorrea... Does that mean that one enjoys it?
-
what do you call a chav in a box,
init
saddest thing in the world:
put a bomb in a wheel chair and saying leg-it!
how did the blonde die raking leaves?
she fell out the tree
what do you say if you wake up in the middle of the night and see your tv floating in mid air?
drop it nigger
what noise does a policemans motorbike make???
run-nigger-nigger-nigger, run-nigger-nigger-nigger
-
Surrogate father
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am.. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted
-
The mining industry in Wales is about to kick off again, apparently they found some copper up in Snowdonia.
-
there was a black out on are street last night..........
its ok someone shot him.
-
there was a black out on are street last night..........
its ok someone shot him.
The full version that i have recieved in a text is:
Hiya mate, really sorry i haven't been in touch for ages but there has been a black out on the street. It's alright though cuz someone has shot the thingy now...
:lipsrsealed:
-
After Shannon Mathews recent sucess in the UK hide and seek championship shes it about to travel to Portugal to take on European champion Madaline McCann
After Yorkshire polices sucess in finding Shannon Matthews The portugeuse police are returning to the McCanns apartment
To look under the bed
-
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Ouch!!!
A farmer has recently had major success growing dildos in his wheat field. He is now having trouble with squatters.
-
What has 8 legs and scares women?
Gang Rape.
-
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb????
NONE...
Feminists can't change a thing!
:grin:
-
whats the difference between madaline mccann and madaline mccann jokes??
madaline mccann jokes will get old! :tongue:
-
what do you call a short black irishman.....
Lepricoon!
-
Whats black and white and can't turn round in corridors?
A nun with a javelin through her head.
:laugh:
-
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v311/board-stupid/image0014.jpg)
-
4 chavs in a Nova drive off the side of a cliff...who wins?
Society
-
West Midlans police are looking for a racist attacker, i phoned up but apparently its not a job opportunity! :grin:
-
Four german dwarfs went to Amsterdam's red light district and hired the services of a six foot tall prostitute.
They went back to their hotel room, stripped off, tied springs to their feet and gaver her the best shag she'd ever had.
It's known in the business as THE FOUR SPRUNG DWARF TECHNIQUE
:tongue:
-
A man with no arms entered a w***ing competition
He came no where!
-
whats small when hard?
your c*ck. :laugh:
***edited for the younger viewers...
-
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Below is one of my favourite jokes. Beneath it is a translation in to Spanish – which I think sounds even funnier!
---
A dog walks in to a construction site and says "I'd like a job, please".
The foreman thinks for a moment. "Well, we don't really employ dogs, have you tried the circus?"
The dog replies, "What would the circus want with a plumber?"
----
Un perro camina en la construcción de un sitio y dice "Me gustarÃÂa un puesto de trabajo, por favor".
El capataz piensa por un momento. "Bueno, realmente no lo emplean perros, ¿ha intentado el circo?"
El perro responde: "¿Qué quiere el circo con un plomero?"
-
A brother and sister have just committed incest.
The sister lies back. "F*cking hell, you're better than Dad!"
"Yeah, that's what Mum says" replies the brother.
-
- Doctor Doctor how come every time I go to the toilet it comes out as chips?
- Have you ever tried lifting your string vest?
-
Binman knocks at the front door of a house and a chinese man opens the door, 'he asks "wheres your bin?"
chinese man says "i's been in the towylet",
Binman says "no, you misunderstand. wheres your wheely bin?"
chinese man says" ok i wheely been havin a wank"
:laugh:
-
How about in to German?
Ein Hund geht in eine Baustelle und sagt: "Ich würde gerne ein Angebot, bitte".
Der Obmann denkt einen Moment nach. "Nun, wir nicht wirklich beschäftigen Hunde, haben Sie versucht, den Zirkus?"
Der Hund antwortet: "Was würde der Zirkus wollen mit einem Klempner?"
I'm going to have to stop this :laugh: :laugh: :nerd:
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Whats blck and blue and don't like sex?
The little boy who lives under my stairs.
:smiley:
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A man in a pub finishes his pint and tells his friends he's been warned from the wife to get home early.
His friend advises him on how to deal with situations like this to keep both parties happy. He says "When you get home, tip toe up to the bedroom and crawl under the duvet from the bottom of the bed and give your wife the greatest oral sex she's ever had or ever likely to have again.. Once you have brought her to orgasm there is no way she'll be in a bad mood with you"
The man agrees that this is a great idea that can go wrong so he orders up another round of drinks for him and his mates. A couple of hours and several pints later the man staggers home to find his house in complete darkness. He eventually unlocks the door, stumbles in and makes his way to the bedroom. He then takes his friends advice and slides up the bed from under the duvet, lifts his wifes nightdress and gets to work. After a good 10 minute session and some satisfied noises from the top of the bed he decides job done and nips through to the bathroom to give his face a wash.
When he opens the door he's shocked to find his wife sitting on the bog having a pee.. "What the f*ck are you doing in here!?" he cries... "Quiet" whispers his wife... "You'll wake your mother up"
-
Why is pork pie like a pensioners fanny?
Cos you have to bite off the crust and lick out the jelly before you get to the meat!!!!!!!!
whats the difference between a pig and madeline mccan?
madeline mccan never had an apple in her mouth when she was gettin spit-roasted
Man in bed says to his new Thai wife
"you keep striking my cock, do you like it that much?"
She replies "No but I realy miss mine".
-
How do you know the girl you are going out with is too young?
You have to make aeroplane noises to get your cock in her mouth.
-
The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toliet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.
One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.
A voice came from the cubicle next to me: 'Hello mate, how are you doing?'
Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied 'Not too bad thanks.'
After a short pause, I heard the voice again 'So, what are you up to?'
Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, 'Just having a quick crap... How about yourself?'
The next thing i heard him say was ...... 'Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some c**t in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say.'
-
What is green and has sixteen tits??????
The bin out the back of a breast cancer clinic!!!!!!
What's yellow and blue with a really tight c*nt at one end?
An Aldi bag.
Railtrack bosses have promised to cut waiting times at stations after Mark Speight was left hanging around for 6 days...
Police are investigating the bigger picture of Mark Speight's death. It was sent in by 11 year old Susie from Reading.
I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."
A couple made a deal that whoever died
first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their
biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the
first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Mary. Mary."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have
sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in
the sun, and then I have sex twice.
I have lunch, another romp around the
golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.
After supper, golf course again. Then
have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."
-
Year 2 class comes in from playtime. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at playtime?"
Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."
The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."
She does and gets a chocolate Hobnob.
The teacher asks Michael what he did at playtime.
Michael says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."
The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."
Michael does, and gets a chocolate Hobnob. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at playtime.
He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Michael, but they threw rocks at me."
The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go to the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."
A man gets home from work, sits down in the chair infront of the telly & tells his wife
"Get me a beer before it starts"
she hads him a beer & he drinks it then says
"Quick get me another before it starts"
again she gets him a beer & hands it to him. He drinks it & says
"I want another before it starts"
She says...
"Listen you lazy fat c**t. You walk in, sit down & start barking orders at me..."
"Oh f**k its started!!!"
-
why dont old women get smear tests?
Have you ever tried opening a cheese toasty :laugh:
-
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.
He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. . .
Wait for it. .
It's coming. .
The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
She says :
"You just happened to catch my eye."
-
The three bears..
I have just received this far more accurate account of the events of
> that fateful morning...
>
> Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He
> looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my
> porridge?" he squeaks.
>
> Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
> into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my
> porridge?!?" he roars.
>
> Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
> yells, "For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you
>
> idiots?
> It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
> It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
> It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
> It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
> everything away.
> It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.
> It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the
> newspaper and croissants.
> It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
> It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter
> tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.
>
> "And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and
> grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm
> only going to say this once....
> "I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!"
-
More...a sing along..
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, that
I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on...
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry!
I should have known that it was bulls***t, just a sad pathetic dream
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those
Jeans!
Go on now - go! , Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!
[Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!
It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!
[Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!
-
This is very old, but noticed it in a bored moment!
A man was proudly showing off his new merc to his friend outside the pub one day.
"Its got all the toys, electric everything and voice activated controls"
"How does that work then?" asked his friend.
"Oh its easy", he replies, "You just shout rock and the radio tunes into a rock station, you shout contry and it finds a country station, you shout pop and it finds a pop station".
His friend says "Wow that is clever"
"Your tellin me, the other day I was driving down the road and some kids ran in the road so I shouted F*cking Kids and next thing I knew I was listening to Thriller"
-
FUNNIEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER
Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER Carla and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lot to for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
-
Whats the difference between a washing machine and an Essex girl?
The washing machine doesnt spit your load out when its finished!
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Austrain women are like fine wine
Left to mature in a cellar..........
:sick: i know :cool:
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A small boy is stnading on a cliff looking down at the sea and crying. A priest approaches and say "My Child, Why are you crying?"
The boy says "Mummy and Daddy's car rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks below"
The priest looks round him unbuttoning his fly saying "Well, it's just not your lucky day, is it?"
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Josef Fritzel Ltd,
Cellar conversions and soundproofing specialist.
Family business established over 25 years ago.
-
A man walks into a petrol station and says
"Can I please have a kitkat chunky".
The lady behind the till gets him a kitkat chunky and brings it back to him.
"No" says the man. "I wanted a normal kitkat you fat b!tch"
-
Just when you thought Maddy McCann was going to smash the European Hide and Seek record, some Austrian pipes up with 24 years in a f**king cellar!!
-
When an Austrian father was asked about teaching sex education to kids, he said he thought it was best to keep them in the dark as long as possible.
-
When asked by the Austrian media if he had ever met Josef Fritzels daughter Alice, The family's next door neighbour replied " Alice?, who the f**k is Alice?, For twenty four years I've been living next door to Alice?
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What did the lepper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
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Q: How do you know if you're at a gay picnic?
A: The hotdogs all taste like sh!t!
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Essex girl is involved in a bad car crash. When the paramedics arrive she's trapped in the car and in a panic.
"Calm down Miss" says the paramedic, "You'll be OK. I'm going to do a few quick tests before we move you. Can you tell me how many fingers I've got up?"
"Oh sh!t" says the girl,"I can't tell, I must be paralysed from the waist down!"
-
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find
that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or their lips to lip-read. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
"Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times."
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his willy one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his cock two hundred and fifty times.
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Bloke out for a walk sees a fit blonde gal on the edge of a cliffe, he says 'are you goin to jump?' she says 'yeah!'
he says' before you do would you give me a blow job?' she says ok and gives him the best BJ he's ever had. After he shoots his load he says 'i can't beleive that you would want to kill yourself with a talent like that!' She says ' i know its just that my parents just can't accept me dressing like a woman!'
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How does every black joke begin?
With a look over your shoulder.
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How many Alzheimers patients does it take to change a lightbulb?
To get to the other side.
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Leaving the most stupid joke til last............................
What is the most stupid animal in the jungle?
A polar bear.
:smiley:
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Sorry, this actually made me laugh so here you are, last one.
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
* 'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
* 'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'
:smiley:
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THE WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.
One day ‘little’ sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
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Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything but Stella?
The barman asks, "whats wrong with Stella?"
Bloke said, "Well I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I got home I was £ucking Skint!"
Barman replies, "If you have 12 pints of anything it would cost you the same"
"No" Said the bloke, "Skint is my dog!"
:laugh:
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Why do Japanese Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
So you can tell them apart from feminists. :embarassed:
I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "F@^& off, you won't bring it back."
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---- i am not a racist but this is quite funny-----
Why don't black people go on cruises?
They're not falling for that one again.
-
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'
THERE'S MORE...
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'
IT IS NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'
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Mark Speight and Natasha Collins were the perfect couple...
One was steaming hot,
And the other was well hung.
Mark Speight's suicide has just been release by police. It states:
"For the coffin you will need an empty cereal box with the lid cut off, some sticky back plastic and a couple of egg cartons".
-
Pickle Factory
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his thingy into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my thingy into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
-
Essex Schoolgirls
A train hits a busload of Essex Schoolgirls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
St Peter asks the first girl (from Southend), "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger"
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl (from Chelmsford) the same question, "Joanne have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, and the girl from Romford is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Tracy! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies. "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy water...I want to do it before Lorraine sticks her arse in it!!"
-
1. John Terry has given up football and is now taking up cricket…. His specialist position while fielding will be in the slips.
2. John Terry Vodka is now on sale...it's easy to spot,its the one thats bottled in Moscow
3. Giggsy heard comparing Champions League trophy to a chocolate orange. "It's not Terry's, it's mine."
4. Apparently the KGB approached John Terry threatening to kill him if he didn't throw the game if it went to penalties... ...luckily he gave them the slip!
5. John Terry is now seeking a new career as a payroll administrator...he aims to ensure all slips are delivered on time!
-
heres a poem...
sing a song for chelsea and how they lost the cup. they took the game to penalties and terry f**ked it up.
the team all looked like avram the players were so glum but me i havent laughed so much since lampard lost his mum.
sorry x
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John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife, Judy, had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day, John came home with yet another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project' said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school', John said.
'I went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'
'What did you watch?' asked Judy.
'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With lips quivering, Tommy got up, sat down, and said, 'I'm sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I'm ashamed of you, son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Judy was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! But you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son! `
The robot immediately walked around to Judy, and ... slapped her ... three times!
-
Rafa Benitez flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football and is impressed and arranges for him to come over to England.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chealsea with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for the reds! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
"Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me. It's wonderful!"
"Wonderful?! " says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day.
"Your father got shot and robbed in the street, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother was beheaded by masked men, all while you were having such a wonderful time."
The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."
"Sorry?!! Sorry?!!" says his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"
-
Had this pop up in my inbox this morning - thought you would all appreciate!
Some information that you need to know before you see the Ads:
Follow the sequence...
1. BMW started this Advertisement
2. Audi Answered
3. Subaru needed to say something
4. Bentley Chairman wanted the last word
(http://img187.imageshack.us/img187/2310/bmweg7.jpg)
(http://img98.imageshack.us/img98/1363/audisz1.jpg)
(http://img329.imageshack.us/img329/5995/subaruun0.jpg)
(http://img329.imageshack.us/img329/4770/bentleyzu1.jpg)
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when i heard weston was on fire i thought " wow that simon is one unlucky bloke" im sorry but i had to
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One day a woman went in hospital to have a baby and decided there and then that she would also have cosmetic surgery to her girl thingy to make it look more youthful, seeing as her gammon was dangling a bit low and looked a bit like a ripped out fireplace.
She decided that she needed a little tuck here and a nip there so it would stop looking like a badly packed kebab.
After having her baby, she was immediately taken into the operating room for her horses collar to be worked on.
After coming out of the anaesthetic she saw three roses in a vase at the base of her bed.
"Who sent me the roses?" the woman asked the nurse.
"Well," replied the nurse, "The first rose is from the surgeon, just to say thanks for making the operation go so well."
"Ohhh, that's nice," said the woman, "Who sent the other two then?"
"Well," replied the nurse, "The second rose is from your husband, seeing as you have been so brave."
"Ohhhhh, he's so sweet."said the woman, "But who sent
the third rose?"
"Well," replied the nurse, "Thats from Eric in the burns unit. He just wanted to say thanks for the ears!"
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Golf Balls
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'It's golf balls'.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked;
Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?
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A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman were in a pub.
Y'know' says the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you.'
'Well,' replies the Englishman, 'at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.'
'Ahhhhh, that's nothing,' says the Irishman.'Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, and another again... all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.'
The Scotsman and the Englishman dismiss the Irishman's claims. But he swears every word is true.
'Well,' asks the Englishman, 'did this actually happen to you?'
'Not me meself, personally, no,' says the Irishman, 'But it DID happen to me sister.
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After the accident in the Paris tunnel Princess Di goes up to the Pearly Gates, and St Peter lets her straight in because of all her charity work. She wanders around for a bit then notices a familiar famous royal face - it's Princess Grace of Monaco.
"Hello Di" she says "F*cking hurts doesn't it?!" :grin:
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Ed Zachary Disease
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.
graphic
So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.'
The woman did as she was told.
'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'
Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'
Worried the woman asked anxiously, 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?'
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'
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A farmer gets a phone call from his farm hand,
"I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor, still alive".
Farmer say's.
"Shoot him and then bury him".
20 min's later, another phone call.
"Done that, what shall i do with his speed camera?"
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IRISH JOKE OF THE YEAR.
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'
The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.'
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same
way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars' in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.'
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then the light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
'Oh, no,' he says, 'Everyone is fine. It's me........I've quit drinking!'
:laugh:
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A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth
Wedding anniversary when the wife says "Darling, as this is such a
Special occasion I think that it is time I made a confession.
Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years"
The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and
Says "My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold
Your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of
The trade and spice up our sex life a bit"
She said "I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played
For harlequins !!!"
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A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment to get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.
The next day the kids came back and one by one told their stories.
Karl said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.'
'What's the moral of the story?' asked the teacher.
'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'
'Very good,' said the teacher.
Next little Emily raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is:
'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'
'That was a fine story Emily. Mick, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'
'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?'
'Stay the f*ck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been on the piss. '
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A Water Commission representative stopped at a Wiltshire farm and talked with an old farmer.
He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.'
The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't go into that field over there.'
The water representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Government with me. See this card? THIS CARD MEANS I AM ALLOWED TO GO WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.
Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the water rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the water rep with every step. The rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and helpfully shouted out..........
'Your card! Your card! Show him your card!'
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Man comes home from the pub extremely p1ssed. His wife catches him as he stumbles into the kitchen and demands
"How are you going to explain how that lipstick got onto your shirt???!!!"
"Easy" he says. " I used my shirt to wipe my c0ck"
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an oldy but goody
+++++++++++++++++++
A Woman was out golfing one
day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three
wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'
The woman said, 'That's okay.'
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband
the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and
he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he
will be ten times richer than you.'
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is
mine.'
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild
heart attack.'
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here
and continue feeling good.
Male readers :
Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that
women never listen now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.
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A Chav girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on
the counter. I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress.†she
says.
Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
No" she replies.†This time it's mayonnaise."
Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."
An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped
and bleeding.
The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"
Girl: "OK"
Medic: "What's your name?"
Girl: "Sharon."
Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"
Sharon: "Yes."
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Sharon: "Romford, mate."
An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was
her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the news
that there’s a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!"
It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There are hundreds of them!"
Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; There's blood
everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till
she's lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Sharon: "Ok."
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices
something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing.
She says, "Scuse me mate, I aint being funny or nuffink, but why doz one
of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R onit?"
So the Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies,
"Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me
right foot and the one wit the L is for me left foot"
Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, "So THAT’S why me knickers 'ave got
C&A on them.
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OLD TIMER SEX
===========
The husband leans over to his wife and asks "Do you remember the first time we had sex together more than fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leant against the back fence and I made love to you". "Oh yes" she said " I remember it well"
"O.K." he says, "how about taking a stroll around there again and we can see if we can do it for old times sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy but good idea!" said she.
A police officer sitting at the next table overheard their conversation and after chuckling to himself, thinks I've got to see this; I'll just keep an eye on them to make sure there is no trouble and follows them out.
The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by their walking sticks. They finally reach the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in and suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes, during which the pair are both making loud noises, moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting heavily, to the floor.
The policeman is amazed and thinks he has learnt something about life and old age that he was totally unaware of.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching (??) thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple are passing he says "excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this".
Still shaking and barely able to speak, the old man replies
"Fifty years ago, that wasn't an electric fence".
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A man's out on the golf course, just starting off his round. He drives the ball down the fairway, and as it's travelling through the air, a woman suddenly runs across the course. The ball falls out of the sky and hits the woman on the head knocking her out.
The man runs to the clubhouse, shouting 'is there a doctor here, is there a doctor here?' as he enters the doors. A man in the corner of the bar stands up claiming to be a doctor. He asks 'what's happened?' The man begins 'well I was teeing off and all of a sudden, a woman came out of nowhere and got in the way of my ball, she's lying in the middle of the fairway!' The doctor asks 'well where did you hit her?', to which the man replies 'between the first and second hole'.
Doctor says 'well you didnt leave much room for a bandage did you?!' :grin:
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So I started this new diet last week.
I only consume Viagra pills washed down with 3 litres of prune juice.
Now, I don't know weather I am coming or going.
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This morning, I went to a conference on premature ejaculation.
It was all over before I got there! :embarassed:
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Now that I am 78, I do tantric sex because it's very slow.
My favourite position is called the plumber.
You stay in all day but nobody comes.
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All of these are in the name of bant, i take no responsibility for offence!
A boy goes to his local village fayte. After walking round he comes across a strange stall but the boy is confused as to what it is. He asks the man. The stall owner says, see this brick, throw it at the nigger. The boy says whats it called, man replies, its a brick-a-black stall!
When this bloke asked me if i preferred legs, thoughs or breasts, i told him that i had a fondness for shaved fannies. he then told me that wasn't an option with the KFC bargain bucket...
Q: Which is the odd one out, a refrigerator, a washing machine, a tv or a women?
A: the tv coz all the others leak when f**ked!
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so f**king low!
Gary Glitter has requested after his death his ashes be put into an etch-a-sketch...so the kids can still fiddle with his knob!
Gary Glitter has been given a date for his release...she's 8 but with make-up on she looks 12!
Breaking news...Police have re-arrested Gary Glitter and have found class A drugs in his kitchen, class B drugs in his living room and class 5C in his bedroom!
Watching the olympics games last night I wondered if there was anything that the chinese aren't good at?
Then I remembered, picking cockles in Morecombe bay!
Iv just watched the Olympic 200m final - its like being in a london nightclub...you hear a gunshot then half a dozen niggers run like hell!
*NEWSFLASH* Gary Glitter has just attempted suicide by jumping into the sea. However, coastguards found him bobbing up and down on a buoy!
What have bicycles and niggers got in common? None of the f**k*rs work properley without a chain on them!
INFATUATION thingy. That is the answer, but what is the question? Asian goes to a chip shop and asks how the chips are cooked. Confused, read the question again!
Paddy's wife has got a new tattoo of a sea shell on the top of her inner thigh. Paddy thinks its amazing, if you put your ear to it you can actually smell the sea!
Jesus goes to a brothel, finishes and goes downstairs where Paul's waiting. How did it goe asks Paul, f**king sh!te Jesus replies. I pulled down her knickers, touched her fanny, and the f**king thing healed up!
Three bird watchers talking in the pub, first man says i call my wife dove coz she's small and petite. Second man says i call mine flamingo coz she's tall and slender. Third man says huh, i call mine thrush coz she's an irritating thingy!
The latest christmas toy is a talking muslim doll! Nobody knows what it says yet, as they daren't pull the cord!
I purchased a teddy bear for £10 tenner yesterday, and called it Muhammad. I sold it this morning for £20. My question is, have i made a prophet!?
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Not so much a joke..but I was quite impressed...takes abit.. :tongue:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nktmFsbArww
Dinx :kiss:
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A few Jade Goody jokes.
Jade Goody has said she hasn't told her kids about her illness as she doesn't want them worrying about the 'C' word.
But I'm sure with all the press coverage and kids talking at school, they already know their mum is a 'C@nt'.
Snow white, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo are sitting in a pub with their mates.
Snow white says "Theres no doubt about it, I'm the fairest in the land"
Tom thumb says "Theres no doubt about it, I'm the smallest in the land"
Quasimodo says "Theres no doubt about it, I'm the ugliest in the land"
Their mates tell them to prove it by going to the magic all-knowing mirror, and the three head off.
A few minutes later, the door of the pub bursts open and Snow White runs in and says "Its official...I'm the fairest in the land!"
Shortly afterwards, the door again bursts open and Tom Thumb runs in and shouts "Its official...I'm the smallest in the land!"
Five minutes later, the door gets kicked in and Quasimodo storms in and bellows "Who the f**k is Jade Goody?"
Jack Tweed is apparently well chuffed that he is in Prison for the next 18 months.
It saves him having to try and carry the fat slag's coffin.
Jade Goody is tipped to win her local weightwitchers slimmer of the month award in September. October. November. And, if she lasts that long, December.
Jade Goody has decided to change her name and adopt the Muslim faith to prove she's not racist.
From now she wants to be known as Yaffat Fooker.
Poor cancer. Imagine what it must feel like to have a doctor tell you that you're stuck in Jade Goody's fanny...
A Chav, lucky beyond his wildest dreams, finds Jade Goody pissed as a rat in a bar. After plying her with more Lambrini, he borrows a sack-barrow and takes her home to his place. A couple of Kestrel Extra-Strengths later and she slurs to him "Awrite big boy, d'ya wannit rough or smoove?"
He can't believe his luck and he opts for 'rough' - the shag is the most intense of his life and he collapses in a heap next to her. He is so excited that his erection quickly returns and now he opts for 'smooth'. He is rewarded with the most lubricated slow-f**k of his life - it moves him to tears in its closeness.
"Oh my God Jade, how do you do that?" He asks in a still-trembling voice...
She replies "If you want it rough, I leaves the scabs on..."
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Model Mary Segovia says that plastic surgeon, Dr. Jose Rodriguez Gonzales Rivera Morales left her nipples "uneven" last month after he performed a breast implant procedure on her. Segovia says she has contacted a lawyer and plans to file suit in the National Court of Justice in Mexico City.
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v655/paul_adi1/cid3fb9643819a84204a5b2sr9.jpg)
Dr. Jose Rodriguez Gonzales Rivera Morales said he sees nothing wrong with the nipple placement on Mary Segovia's breasts. "Hell, they look perfectly normal to me," Dr. Jose Rodriguez Gonzales Rivera Morales stated, "I can not see what all the fuss is about."
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v655/paul_adi1/ciddd82a952e5564059b4ffku4.jpg)
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Door to door salesman rings on a doorbell and it's answered by a small boy. The boy is smoking a Havana cigar, has a large glass of whiskey in one hand and what looks like a high-class call girl on the other arm.
"Is your mum or dad in?" says the salesman.
"Does it f**king look like it?!"
:laugh:
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Bubba Had Shingles
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.'
So she wrote down his name, address, medical i nsurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.'
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.'
So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.'
The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
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A farmer in Devon has seccessfully grown a field of vibrators. Unfortunately he now has a problem with squatters............................I'll get my coat.
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Little girl takes a shower with nan, points down and says whats that? Nan says "its my beaver". Next day little girl takes shower with mum and points down and says "I know what that is, its your beaver". "oh yeah" mum replied, and how do you know that? "Nan told me, but I think hers is dead because its tongue is hanging out !"
:D
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SPASTIC WALKS UP TO ICE CREAM VAN AND ASKS FOR AN ICE CREAM 'WHAT FLAVOUR' asks the man 'NOT REALLY BOTHERED' he replies 'IM GONA f**kIN DROP IT ANYWAY' !
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How do you stop a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head! :tongue:
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What have Felipe Massa and Jean Charles de Menezes got in common.................................
........................
both f**ked by a Glock :laugh:
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I'm always at bloody work... :sad:
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Cluedo is a lot harder when there isn't a black guy to blame it on.
Police are warning people to be on the lookout for Muslim suicide bombers over christmas,who are set to launch a wave of terror with a new 'Alphabet Bomb'.
If one of them f%ckers goes off,it could spell disaster.
Downs Syndrome jokes seem to be rearing their ugly heads again.
I met a wonderful woman over the internet. She was kind, funny, intelligent. Of course, she turned out to be a 12 year old paraplegic boy.
The sex was a bit crap.
Me and my girlfriend practice safe sex.
She now only comes round when my wife's at work.
My niece died from a lisp. I didn't know you could die from a lisp.
I'll never forget my last words to her though: "What the f%ck's a thnake?"
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2 gays, one dies.
When about to be cremated, the widowed gay asks the priest if his partner could be cremated and his ashes made into a curry
“Why?†asks the priest
“Because I’d just like to feel him dribbling out my arse one last timeâ€
:shocked:
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A woman walks into the local police station, battered and bruised with her clothes all torn.
"What happened to you?" asks the sympathetic desk officer.
"Please help me. I've been graped" replies the distressed woman.
"Surely, you mean raped" asks the officer.
"No, there were a bunch of them"
Sorry! :embarassed:
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Whats the difference between a thingy and a bonus?
The wife always blows your bonus
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in the uk y ius pedophidllia such a big problem?
sexy kids
sorry.........
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A husband has just finished reading a book " Man of the House". He storms into the kitchen, points a finger at his wife and says:
"From now on I want you to know I am the Man of the House! My word is the law!
You WILL prepare me a gourment meal tonight and EVERY night!
Then you WILL run me a bath at the correct temperature!
Then you WILL lie on the bed and get what's coming to you!
Then in the morning guess WHO's gonna dress me??!!"
"The f**king undertaker" replies his wife.
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Man walks into a bar and asks for a alcohol free beer
bar man replys "drinking alcohol free beer is like going down on your sister"
"How so" says the man
"Well it tastes the same but its just not right !"
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Woman is upstairs having a bath when the doorbell goes... "can you get that" she shouts to her husband, "who is it?" she said. "its a blind man" he calls back. "send him up" she yells down. The man walks into the bathroom, and says "nice tits love... where do you want the blinds"!!
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The Heaviest Element known to Science.
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet
known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant
neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an
atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be
detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A
tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less
than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay,
but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since
each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe
that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an
element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as
many peons but twice as many morons.
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A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street café watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people entering the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people leaving the house. The physicist says, "The measurement wasn't accurate." The biologist says, "They must have reproduced." The mathematician says, "If one more person enters the house then it will be empty."
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THE WEDDING NIGHT
Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
=0 A
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!
Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school .'
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...
I gave him my airplane glue.' :laugh:
-
HIGHLIGHT FOR ANSWERS!
What do you call a shop full of nuns?
A Virgin Mega Store! :rolleyes:
What is long, hard and full of semen?
A SUBMARINE! :laugh:
Yeah. :rolleyes:
-
Thought I'd share these awful jokes that were in a joke book I had when I was a kid......they've stuck with me!!!
What's big and yellow?...............................The Empire State Banana!
What's purple and scary?............................Franken-Grape!
What's hot and goes "hoot-hoot"?.................Kentuck Fried Owl!
Good eh??? :laugh: :laugh:
-
What did the fish say when it swam into the wall......
DAMN!
-
I apologise if this has already been posted....
What Starts with F and ends with K
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why she asked such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'
-
After browsing through this topic the other day I thought I'd share a few jokes with my mates and their girlfriends whilst pissed up in my front room.
All was well until I came out with the old "What's blue and doesn't fit?" ..................."A dead epileptic"
No one laughed and I thought it strange as my mates aren't politically correct.
Fast forward to the next day and the lad I live with explained that one of my other mates girlfriend (who was there) is epileptic!!!! :shocked:
He told me everyone else in the room knew this apart from me for some reason, hence the lack of appreciation for my sick joke!!!
Not looking forward to seeing her again!! :lipsrsealed: :lipsrsealed: :lipsrsealed: :lipsrsealed: :laugh:
-
What do you do if you find an epileptic having a fit in whilst taking a bath?
Chuck your washing in!
-
Four people in the carriage of a train - a Scotsman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and an Englishman.
It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Englishman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.
The old lady thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him".
The pretty young blonde thinks " I bet the Englishman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him".
The Englishman thinks "I bet that Scotsman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me".
The Scotsman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that English t**t again".
-
I don't see the problem with calling someone from Pakistan a Paki. I mean the Australians are called Aussies. The Scottish are called Scots. The Italians are called Ities and the French are called c@nts!
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why did camelot cum-alot?
Cos he played with his lance-alot!
-
What's long hard and full of semen?
**Highlight below for answer!**
A submarine you dirty sod!!!
-
The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man United with only 20 minutes left.
The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool .
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry.'
Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum,
It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!'
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I rung a rape advice line up the other night.........
Cant beleive its only for victims!
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I'm gonna rob a a bank tomorrow, wearing clown make-up...
...whilst wearing a thong and nipple tassles...
...I'll be carrying a goat with a dildo up my 4rse and a tin of Dulux...
...In the bank the goat's gonna suck me off and I'll throw the paint over the walls whilst shouting the words "Big Fat P!ssflaps!"...
...Once I get the cash I'm gonna sh!t on the floor and then escape in a van shaped like a big pink c0ck.
Let's see Crimewatch stage a reconstruction of THAT f*cker! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
-
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.'
Then we made love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"
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After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, Hull , parts of Bradford and anywhere where there are Social Security claiming Chavs
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I bought a Jade Goody Calendar yesterday.
DO NOT BUY THIS CALENDAR ITS A RIP OFF!!
Only goes up to April!!!
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WHY'S A PORK PIE LIKE A thingyONERS MINGE ?
BECAUSE YOU NEED TO BITE OFF THE CRUST AND LICK OUT THE JELLY BEFORE YOU GET TO THE MEAT. ! ! !
-
Apparantely things are looking up for Jade Goody.........
She sold her hairdryer on ebay for £10
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13-year old New Dad Alfie Patten has joined Fathers for Justice.
He already has the Spiderman costume...
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last one about Jady goody I promise....
what do you call Jade Goody in a wedding dress??
Shuttlecock!
not one of mine! was told by a mate from work! :grin:
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what do you call a black b!tch with braces ???
black n decker pecker wrecker
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a line to use when someone is talking b0ll0cks
'go take your face for a sh!t'
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isnt it funny how jade goodys head looks like an egg and shes gunna be in a box for easter too !!
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what did little red riding hood say when she sat on pinochio's face?
lie u little fooker lie. :evil:
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defenition of a pervert?
a rat walking in the garden with a 12 inch dick calling out-here kitty kitty
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Man goes to the Doctor complaining of premature ejaculation. The Doctor, being one for alternative remedies suggests that next time he feels he's about to pop, he should fire a starting pistol into the air.
The man agrees and goes home.
2 days later he's back and calls in to see the Doc.
"Well, how did it go then?"
"Not well" says the man. "Me and my wife were in the 69 position and I felt myself about to pop so I fired the starting pistol into the air. My wife sh!t in my face, bit my c0ck and the milkman came out of the wardrobe with his hands up!"
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big fat black woman goes to the doctors complaining of a bad cold
he asks her to strip naked, she feels this is inappropriate but carries on with his request
he then asks her to go and squat in one corner then the other, then the other and then finally the last corner
he then tells her to put her clothes back on, she asks the doctor why she had done that
doctor replied ' ive just ordered a black 2 seater sofa and was wondering where i was gunna put it
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(http://i139.photobucket.com/albums/q311/R-av/nurse1.jpg)
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Whats the difference between jam and marmalade?
You can't marmalade your cock up your gf's ass :grin:
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Subject: EU Directive No. 456179
EU Directive No. 456179
In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European
currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and
Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a
Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2009.
From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.
Thank you for your attention.
-
Letter to the bank :
Dear Sirs:
In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks, at the
moment, I was wondering if you could advise me correctly??
If one of my cheque's is returned marked "insufficient funds," how do I
know whether that refers to me or to you?
Regards,
[Worried customer]
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(http://img11.imageshack.us/img11/2253/image001f.gif) (http://img11.imageshack.us/my.php?image=image001f.gif)
(http://img11.imageshack.us/img11/9727/image002ttq.jpg) (http://img11.imageshack.us/my.php?image=image002ttq.jpg)
(http://img5.imageshack.us/img5/66/image003irq.jpg) (http://img5.imageshack.us/my.php?image=image003irq.jpg)
(http://img5.imageshack.us/img5/2071/image004ntd.jpg) (http://img5.imageshack.us/my.php?image=image004ntd.jpg)
(http://img5.imageshack.us/img5/136/image007ood.jpg) (http://img5.imageshack.us/my.php?image=image007ood.jpg)
(http://img9.imageshack.us/img9/1715/image011b.jpg) (http://img9.imageshack.us/my.php?image=image011b.jpg)
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Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven , God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting.
He enquired of God, 'Where have you been?'
God pointed downwards through the clouds. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'
It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'
'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth.
'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.'
God continued, pointing to the different countries.
This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, 'What's that?'
'Ah,' said God. That's the North of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.'
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, 'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!'
God replied very wisely, 'Wait till you see the bunch of t*ssers I'm putting down South !
-
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
'Oh no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She then administered a very tender and artful massage for several minutes and then asked, 'How does that feel?
He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
-
what cheese do you use to hide a horse ? ................marscaponi
-
A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave
Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding
tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called
out to take care of it.
The young man finally gets back to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump
truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even
more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he
goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, 'Son, your attitude and performance has caused this
flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished.' Shivering
in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, 'Sir, with all due respect, I'm
not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without
any leave, and reindeers' asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; its 2:30 in the morning,
the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump $#!t out of an aircraft.
Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?'
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast.
-
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
That 1st joke is actually a true story!
-
FACE - Has it fallen on one side?
ARMS - Can they raise both arms and keep them there?
SPEECH - Is their speech slurred?
TIME - to get her knickers off cos the Rohypnol has taken effect!
Act F.A.S.T
:grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin:
-
i had that text the other day hahaha
jade goody ...
went to blockbuster to rent out slumdog millionaire
got home and jade goody was on the cover of the dvd
took it back, the bloke said he thought i said 'somedog withnohair'
-
Michael Jackson has just announced his UK Dates.
They are:
David, age 12
Andy age 9
Craig age 11
Simon age 12 and
Philip, age 7
-
A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tattooed, welfare dependent, chav, minger female wearing a Celtic top walked into ASDA in Castlemilk (a sprawling council estate on Glasgow's east side) with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The ASDA greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning madam, and welcome to ASDA. Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'F*ck naw, they're nae twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 5.
Why the f*ck would you think they're twins? Are you blind, thick or just stupid?'
'I'm neither blind, thick nor stupid, Madam,'replied the greeter. 'I just couldn't believe you've been shagged twice.
-
Bloke asks wife " if we won the lottery what would you do ? "
Wife : " take half and leave you ! "
Bloke " good stuff.....I got 3 numbers on Saturday , here's your 10 pound now f**k off "
-
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her f*cking appendix out!"
-
Isn't it ironic: Jade Goody's head looks like an egg, and it'll be in a box this Easter.
Jade Goody has stated that she is "ready to go to heaven".
Looks like cancer isn't going to be the last bad news she hears.
Just seen a hearse with just married on the back.
Jade Goody has been advised by doctors to take plenty of rest, increase her pain relief medication and not to bother buying any green bananas.
I heard that Elton John is going to release a charity record for Jade Goody.
It'll be called "Cancer in the Minge".
Jade Goody's latest therapy includes mud baths.
The doctors admit they will serve no medical purpose whatsoever but will get her used to the smell of freshly dug earth.
The woman who turned up at Jade Goody's bedside with a hammer also had screws, nails, wood and a measuring tape.
She also apologised for being a fortnight or so early.
-
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Little Boy Blue.
Little Boy Blue who?
Michael Jackson.
-
What's the difference between Jade Goody's cancer and her husband?
One's eating out her pussy, the other's Jack Tweed.
-
aint read this for months but here goes ( properly a repost :laugh: )
Jade goody is going to be in Panto this Christmas .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.Oh no she isnt :grin:
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Walkers have launched another new flavour to the range of crisps, Seman flavour. It will me marketed as a Diet Crisp for women. During the trials only 15% of women swallowed, the other 85% spat them out.
-
Day one in heaven & Jade Goody is already up for Eviction :tongue:
-
For Sale,
Blond Wig,
Unused Mothers Day present
Contact Jack Tweed
:grin:
-
Best laugh I had today!
This may not be funny after I have written it down but cracked me up at the time!
A woman was chatting to some of us and was telling us about her son and how well he was doing at college. he is doing several languages and a colleague came out with "Oh he is a cunning linguist then!"
She didnt get the joke, but I just burst out laughing!
-
So if you missed this, Southpark Queefs Vs Farts
Its immature, and amazing, watch the whole thing for, 'the road warrior'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=10RHzNHLj3k
-
:grin: Great episode.
:grin:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4cAVu9sxHTM&feature=related
-
why did god give women legs
because he saw the feckin mess snails made
-
Food for thought!!!
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Heathrow immigration offices.
'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in England with your wife and three children.'
The man told the fairy: 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and --PING!!! He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.
The refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage in Oxford with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.
PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, overlooking the river.
'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.
I want to be like the British with British clothes instead of manjams, and a baseball cap instead of this turban.
And I want to have white skin like the British.'
PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, an Eagles T-shirt and a Billabong baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'
The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are English, you're entitled to f*** all!!!!' And she disappeared!
-
What has Jade Goody and Newcastle United got in common ?
They both have no life left in them.
-
It has been announced that British Summer Time will from now on be phased in. Instead of adding a whole hour in one go, five minutes will be added to Man Utd games where they need a late goal.
-
The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an
early retirement bonus.
They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000
for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his
body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his
head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with
a bonus of £72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out
with £96,000..
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old sergeant-major
who, when asked where he would like to be measured, replied, 'From the tip of
my willy to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received.
But the old sergeant-major insisted and they decided to go along with him
providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the sergeant-major to 'drop 'em',
which he did.
The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the sergeant's willy
and began to work back. 'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your
testicles?'
The old sergeant-major calmly replied, 'The Falklands.'
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Fella buys packet of condoms. Rasberry,banana etc. He says to his wife "Lets play a game, i will put one on and you have to guess what flavour it is." She agrees. She goes under the blankets and and says "Cheesey wotsits." He says, "For f**k sake, give me a chance to put it on!"
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Mate of mine told me he's shagging twins.
"How do you tell the difference?" I asked him.
"That's easy - her brother's got a moustache"
-
A vicar books in to a hotel and says to the clerk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." She says, "No sir, its regular porn... you sick bastard." :undecided:
-
British rail are at it again...... The sign said if I stood to close to the edge I might get sucked off... Four f**kin hours I wasted......
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I was walking passed the mental institution and they were all shouting "13, 13, 13". Being a nosey git I wanted to see what was going on so I peeped through a litle hole in the fence. Some tw@t poked me in the eye and the f*ckers all started shouting "14,14,14.".
-
lol
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Why does beonce sing to the left to the left?? cos blacks have no rights!
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Whats the simularity between the queen mother and diana?? they both hit 101 then died!
-
Englishman Irishman and scotsman in a rape line-up. woman comes in, paddy steps forward and says theres the fridged b!tch!!
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Delivery man breaks down on M4 so he flags down paddy, he says to him "I've got six monkeys the back. I'll give you £100 if you'll take them to Bristol zoo for me."Paddy agrees. Two hours later he sees Paddy driving the opposite way, with the monkeys still in the back! He flags him down and shouts across, "I thought I told you to take them to the zoo." Paddy says "I did, but I had £30 left so I'm taking them to the pictures now." :grin:
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Wife buys a pair of crotchless knickers 2 try and spice up sex life. Puts them on with a very short skirt, sits on the settee opposite her husband and opens her legs, husband asks "Have you got crotchless Knickers on?" "Yes" she replies! "Thank f**k for that i thought the stuffing was coming out of the settee!" :wink:
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A married couple went to the hospital together to have their
baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new
machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to
the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both
very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters,
explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever
experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt
fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain
transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's
blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this,
they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was
obviously helping out is wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to
transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no
pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, they found the postman was dead on their
porch.
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Apparently they are going to make a musical of Jade Goody's life, the working title is "Mama Minger!"
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I am pi$$sing myself reading this thread! :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin:
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Winnie the pooh and piglet:
As the two friends wandered through the snow on their wayhome, piglet grinned to himself thinking how lucky he was to have a best friend like Pooh. Pooh thought to him self if this pig sneezes he's f**kin dead! :smiley:
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1 more. grin
Blonde wife runs out of petrol and phones her husband... "I'm scared to fill up cos of this swine flue." He says "You daft twit it's Mexico not f**king Texaco" undecided
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black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder, barman says 'blimey mate, where did you get that from?' 'Africa mate, loads of them there' says the parrot :evil:
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Got a spare minute? check out this link ! !
typical BMW driver is left pretty embarrassed! Lmao
http://www.break.com/index/volkswagen-blows-away-bmw-z4.html
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What do Ricky Hatton and Gary Glitter have in common?...
They both went down after trying to take a little Phillipino in the Ring. :evil:
-
A Liverpudlian walks into a bank in Hope Street and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Australia on business
for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank
will need some form of security for the loan,
so the Scouser lad hands over the keys
and documents of new Ferrari parked
on the street in front of the bank.
He produces the Log Book and everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept
the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's Manager and its officers
all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Scouser
for using a £120,000 Ferrari
as collateral against a £5000 loan.
An employee of the bank then
drives the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Scally returns,
repays the £5,000 and the interest,
which comes to £15.41.
The loan officer says,
"Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away,
we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire.
What we want to know is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"
The Scouser replies:
"Where else in Liverpool can I park my car
for two weeks for only £15.41
and expect it to be there when I return?!"
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Why did the baker have smelly fingers???
Because he kneaded a poo! :evil:
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Have you heard that Ricky Hatton's missus has left him?
She found him lying on his back in a Las Vegas hotel with a half naked Philipino standing over him...
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What is the odd one out?
A, toaster
B, woman
c, dishwasher
d, washing machine
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Toaster, its the only one that dosn't drip when its f#cked
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The mp expenses scandal escalated today when it was discovered that David Blankett had claimed for a motorbike, a handglider and a pair of binoculars!! :grin:
-
A poem for those affected by the credit crunch. There was a young man called Dave, who dug up a prostitutes grave, she was mouldy and sh!tty with only 1 titty, but look at the money he saved.
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Say what you will about Jordan and Peter Andres marriage, it still lasted longer than Jade Goodys
-
Alcohol free lager, its like going down on your sister, it tastes the same but it just aint right. :tongue:
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As you may or may not know, im not Racist but this made me really laugh.
Have you ever noticed, if you re arrange the word "immigrant" and add a few more letters it spells out..............
f**k off home, you hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, benefit grabbing, smelly rag head bastards!
How wierd is that!!
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so jordan and peter have broke up i bet harvey didint see that coming
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what do 54,00 uk woman who suffer domestic violence every year have in common?
They dont fecking well listen do they!
-
Michael Jackson is teaching his son to masturbate.. His boy says: "This is great dad!".. Jacko says: "Just wait till your 13 and you use your own cock!"...
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(http://s226.photobucket.com/albums/dd9/VR6Lee/20zpu2r.gif)
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Has anyone seen my Camoflage Jacket?
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i had a terrible dream last night, so bad infact i woke up screaming
dreamt i had a boyle on the end of my knob. it was no ordinary boyle....
it was susan boyle
URGH
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Gordon Browns wife is filing for divorce on the grounds that their sex life is non existent. The only thing he is fcuking at the moment is the country!
-
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old cart one cold blustery day.
The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."
The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said,
"My hands are freezing cold."
The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."
He did, and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the cart with the daughter.
He said, "My nose is cold."
The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up."
He did, and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My thingy is frozen solid."
The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Mama, Have you ever heard of
a thingy?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!"
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Air France has announced that we should not worry about flying after todays missing aircraft, after all theres plenty more frogs in the pond!
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women should not be trusted!!
would you trust anything else that bleeds for a week every month and doesn't die?? :grin:
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Hang me!
1/ Statistically... 216 Air France Passengers and 12 crew won't get this.
2/ Carlsberg don't do plane flights
3/ Last year I complained bitterly when my EasyJet flight to Paris landed at an airport 30 miles outside the city centre.
At least I didn't fly with AirFrance though. They really take the piss.
4/ Jesus turned water into Wine.
Air France turned 228 people into the water.
Your move Jesus.
5/ Everybody just calm down, frogs can survive in water.
6/ Dear France, our closest neighbour.
You may think we've forgotten that you sold Exocet missiles to the Argies during the Falklands war...
Well we haven't, so f**k YOU and f**k YOUR MISSING AIRBUS !
Lots of Love... Blighty.
7/ What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with a French Airbus?
Half way.
8/ Pity the French can't learn to keep their aeroplanes in the air for as long as their hands!
9/ Apparently the cause of the Air France crash was all a misunderstanding.
One passenger shouted, "Hi Jacques" to his mate.
The crew immediately put their hands up and the plane went out of control!
:lipsrsealed:
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lol some of them are quite funny :D
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WHATS THE BEST WAY TO GET ON T.V ? SIT ON IT
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WHATS THE MOST INTELIGENT THING TO COME OUT OF A WOMENS MOUTH ? EYESTINS COCK
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Good news for adventurous tourists who want something a bit different! You can now book an Air France flight to see the Titanic!
-
David Blaine's record of doing f**k all in a box for 48 days has just been broken by Jade Goody.
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A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had
been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long
time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there
he was,walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to
leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an
interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Fishbienstein," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians , Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults,
and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a f**king wall."
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So, Michael Jackson has skin cancer.
Altogether now....
"Don't blame it on the sunshine..."
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(http://frenchy750.smugmug.com/photos/502735941_JoM69-S.jpg)
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Fairy liquid are sending a million bottles of detergent to rio De Janeiro
:shocked:
:huh:
:undecided:
Apparently theres a load of french washing up on the beach!
-
Took the family to the zoo yesterday.
Only had one animal there – a dog!
…………………………………….it was a sh!tzu!
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How do you get a fat bird into bed?
Piece of cake! :D
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A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
''Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?'' she asked.
''They're mating,'' her father replied.
''What do you call the spider on top?'' she asked.
''That's a Daddy Longlegs,'' her father answered.
''So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?'' the little girl asked.
His heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question. He replied, ''No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.''
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted
her foot and stomped them flat..
''Well," she said, "we're not having any of that gay sh!t in our garden."
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big aussie walking down the road with a sheep under each arm
meets a mate who says ' G'day mate, ya sheering'
'Nah' says the aussie, 'im gunna fook them both me self'
just had that joke thru on my phone
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so michael jackson is dead, reports say that he had a heart attack at hospital, but apparently he was actually caught in the childrens ward having a stroke
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Whats the difference between Alex Ferguson and Michael Jackson?
Ferguson will be playing Giggs in August.
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Paddy & Jimmy need a drink, they pool their money but only have 50p. Paddy takes the cash into the butchers & buys a sausage! They go into a bar, order 2 pints & down them. Before the barman asks for the cash Paddy puts the sausage into his fly & Jimmy sucks it. The barman throws them out. In the 10th pub Jimmy says "I can't do this anymore my knees are killing me". Paddy replies, "neither can I. I lost the sausage in the second pub!
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Hi its Maddie. First my mummy & daddy ran off and left me, and now my boyfriend has died!
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man tells doctor he fells like a pig
doctor says 'how long you felt like this'
man replies ' about a WEEEEEEEEEEK'
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What do you call a black man in charge of a aeroplane...?
The pilot you racist.....
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whats black and doesnt work...
half of london :grin:
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Two Rabbits are locked in a cage in a test laboratory. They have both been there for many years. Suddenly there is a small explosion - it's the animal liberation front, who set the rabbits free.
They run all night, for miles and miles until eventually, they fall asleep by the edge of a field. They wake up the next day, and the younger one says to the other "What shall we do today?" Older one says "Let's go into the next field" They agree and go through the hedge. The field is full of carrots. "Waheyy!" they both shout and eat their way across the field until they feel so fat they can't move, so they fall asleep.
They wake up next day and the younger rabbit says "What shall we do today?" "Let's go into the next field". It's full of cabbages. "Waheyy!" and they eat their way across the field until they feel so fat they can't move, and they fall asleep.
Next day they wake up and the younger rabbit says "What shall we do today?" "Let's go into the next field". It is full of lettuce. "Waheyy!" The two rabbits gorge themelves and eat their way across the field until they feel so fat they can't move, and they fall asleep.
They wake up the next day and the younger rabbit says "What shall we do today?" "Let's go into the next field". It is full of female rabbits. "WAHEYY!!" shout the rabbits and do what rabbits do best all day long to their hearts content before falling asleep at the edge of the field.
Next day they wake up and the younger says "What shall we do today?" The older one replies "I think I'm gonna go back to the lab" "You what??!!" replies the incredulous younger bunny. "I know" says the older rabbit, "Life these last few days has been really sweet we've had as much food as we could ever wish for and those girlies, well, what can I say?? They were simply superb. Life's great, yes, but truth is mate, I'm dying for a fag!!"
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The jackson family have said they've not seen Michael this stiff since he watched Peter Pan!
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These were customer comments entered on the Customer Comments page of the www.london-eating.co.uk website. Click on the title below for the entry comment and you will notice that the page was then disabled, not surprisingly............read on.....
1.0 Oxo Tower Restaurant review by rachel
When my boyfriend told me he wanted to take me up the Oxo Tower for my birthday, I was a bit hesitant at first because I didn't really think it was my scene. How wrong I was! I mean, yeah, so it's a bit of a strain on the old back pocket, and I admit I did feel a bit uncomfortable initially. But a couple of cocktails helped me relax and soon I was really getting into it - we carried on well into the night. It was a great experience and I really loved it - so much so that I won't let my boyfriend take me anywhere else now! So if anyone ever wants to take you up the Oxo Tower , just throw caution to the wind and go for it!
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Rather. I recomend the finger buffet
- Thursday, January 17, 2008
Ive been up the oxo tower many a time. I really feel it is a must if you have just met a new lady, then save it for special occasions, or what the hell, throw caution to the wind and visit there on a regular basis.
- Friday, January 18, 2008
I love being taken up the Oxo Tower, my boyfriend doesn't live in London so I've promised him we can try it next time he's down...He loves London Eating, he always up for a good munch!
Lillbet - Friday, January 18, 2008
The last time I took my wife up the Oxo Tower I had a beautiful cream pie for dessert. I would highly recommend this dish if you want something a little different. Very naughty but nice.
- Friday, January 18, 2008
I found that as soon as I entered there was a funny smell, and it could certainly have done with a clean, but besides all that I had a fantastic time
barrymore - Friday, January 18, 2008
I hear the 'Brown Windsor' is excellent for a starter.
Stu C - Friday, January 18, 2008
On the advice of many I decided to take my whole family up the OXO Tower (although my nan did object as she isn't too steady on her feet these days, took a while to convince her but eventually she caved in), I was surprised at just how accomodating they were! I must admit though that initially I just poked my head in to see what all the fuss was about and to 'check out' the ambience, which I found pleasantly warm and friendly! We all had a really great time and thankfully I remembered to bring my camera so I got some really good shots! Will definately go back, can't wait!
Lingers - Friday, January 18, 2008
I decided to take my elderly grandmother up the OXO Tower last weekend, It was a special treat for her and despite being in a wheelchair the access was non too painful. Even though my grandmother has difficulty swallowing, she woofed the boston brownie and cream down with absolute glee. We will definitely be back again and next time I might treat her to the spit roast, no doubt another treat she won't forget in a hurry!
Matt W - Friday, January 18, 2008
Up the OXO Tower, eh? Well, there's a bit o' livin' on the edge for one's birthday. I was in London a few months ago and went up the OXO with some colleagues. We had a grand time, but I surely didn't tell me bird about it. I'm saving that special trip for our next visit. She just loves coming to new heights and experiences and, eating...well she's always over the top for that! I dare say she'll be writing in just like Rachel once we've done the ol' OXO Tower inner circle ride to the top. Cheers, Mates...take it from me...you'll never beat a trip up the OXO.
Sky - Friday, January 18, 2008
Well, I was over in this delightful 'lil country of yours a week or so ago and I thought, hey what the heck I'd call up my good buddy Stu C and take him up the OXO tower to celebrate his coming of age - shoot, he was so excited he squealed like a stuck pig! It was such a lovely atmosphere and the accompanying sound of banjo playing from a local duet, Lester Flatt and Earl Scruggs, just reminded us of our deep dark forests back home. Whoowee what memories, I'll be back up the OXO Tower again before the authorities know I'm gone.
Bubba, USA - Friday, January 18, 2008
I can thoroughly recommend a visit up the oxo tower. However the cream pie afters are not to the taste of some pallets. I myself enjoyed the full experience with a very special friend.
The last time I went up the oxo tower with my special lady was after a heavy curry (vindaloo) during lunchtime. I felt this spoilt the experience somewhat and would recommend abstaining from such foods prior to a visit.
- Friday, January 18, 2008
I myself have taken many people up the OXO Tower and for once it was a real pleasure for the service to be returned. My friend took a while to relax but he soon got into the swing of things and he even let me try is gravy.
triptech - Saturday, January 19, 2008
We had a fudge packers works outing there last christmas and they all said the Chocolate Starfish was divine
Badmaan - Saturday, January 19, 2008
My wife and I had been keen to try Greek for some time, and when friends informed us that the OXO was the best Greek experience, we simply had to try it...We weren't disappointed. For a while after our Greek up the OXO there was an air of silence between my wife and I, as we both came to terms with the new flavours we'd just savoured. But once we'd fully absorbed the delights, we accepted that Greek up the OXO is where the quality is.
The OXO is also very popular with Elton and David, I do believe
Drew5292 - Saturday, January 19, 2008
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My only criticism of the Oxo Tower is that, being a larger gentleman myself, I find it a bit of a tight squeeze when you're up there, uncomfortably so in fact. However, my wife disagrees with me. She says that the Oxo's intimacy is all part of its charm.
Jim Browning - Saturday, January 19, 2008
The last time I was dining at the Oxo Tower restaurant some unruly yobs started a food fight; it was most annoying. The civilised patrons tried to ignore it and the scene put me in mind of that Carry On film where the great and the good are trying to continue with their meal whilst a battle rages around them. What was that film called? Oh yes, I remember, it was 'Carry On up the Khyber'.
Spotted Dick - Saturday, January 19, 2008
I would love to take my girlfriend up the Oxo Tower much more often than I do. But I find access is a problem. It's really hard to get in there sometimes. Once I nearly got stuck halfway up! But once you're up there, I have to agree it is a fantastic experience. And the view is amazing! To make the whole evening even more memorable we would recommend doing a little swap. The last time my girlfriend needed no encouragement to take a mouthful of my pork, and I had a lovely little nibble on her fish pie.
BackdoorPete - Sunday, January 20, 2008
Been in and out of the Oxo Towers a few times over the years but when I try to take my present partner there I can never fit through the door
- Sunday, January 20, 2008
I struck up a conversation with a highly strung rough looking waiter called Hans at the Tower. Turned out he's a keen amateur boxer like a mate of mine - the mighty JMonkey. I set up a friendly after hours bout for them both at a local Gym one night. Turns out the waiter wasn't quite the pugilist he claimed to be as my mate ended up giving him the fisting of his life in the ring! I reckon the experience loosened him up a bit though so next time your at the OXO and served by Hans, you'll have no problem slipping him a large tip!
Sweetcorn Niblets - Sunday, January 20, 2008
Thank you so much for that review, Rachel. My girlfriend desperately wants me to take her up the Oxo Tower ; I've had a close look at it and even sniffed around it once or twice, but I've never had the courage to take the plunge. Now I know how much young ladies enjoy the experience, I won't hesitate to give my girlfriend the pleasure. Just one question; now you've been taken up there, won't you always want 'the Oxo Tower experience' rather than exploring more conventional venues?
Sweetsong - Sunday, January 20, 2008
Taking a girl up the Oxo Tower always reminds me of those little brown gravy granules - "Ah Bistro .... !"
Ena Mungstet - Sunday, January 20, 2008
My wife & I were visiting London last week & whilst there we decided to visit an adjacent establishment. Unfortunately (or not) due to rather a few too many earlier cocktails we lost the way & I accidentily slipped into the Oxo Tower . Well, my wife squealed with delight at this error & insisted that we stay for some time. I must admit, although a bit of a squeeze, the experience was indeed pleasurable, (in fact it did remind me of my days at public school!).
Trouser snake - Sunday, January 20, 2008
My wife & I were visiting London last week & whilst there we decided to visit an adjacent establishment. Unfortunately (or not) due to rather a few too many earlier cocktails we lost the way & I accidentily slipped into the Oxo Tower . Well, my wife squealed with delight at this error & insisted that we stay for some time. I must admit, although a bit of a squeeze, the experience was indeed pleasurable, (in fact it did remind me of my days at public school!).
Trouser snake - Sunday, January 20, 2008
Like you my wife was also slightly hesitant about being taken up the Oxo Tower . However, I'm please to report she had a wonderful time! She enjoyed it so much we engaged in anal sex for the first time later that same day.
JSmith - Sunday, January 20, 2008
My partner has been begging me to take her up the OXO tower for ages because she wants to feel stuffed on a big portion but frankly I'm dubious about it so i've been putting it off. Well, yesterday evening I had to give in and agree to it. Well, it was a disaster! I was just entering and i found that the passage was blocked with stools. I just couldn't push past them no matter how hard I was. So I gave up, vowing never to go there again, and to continue eating at my favourite downstairs restaurant. Strangely, whilst attempting to enter, all I could hear was 'I'm a back door man' by the Doors!!!!
Butt! well done to all that made it up there.
Wendle - Sunday, January 20, 2008
Ahhh the Oxo - only problem is with parking which can be quite tight. I normally manoeuvre whilst the wife guides me into the back passage.
Alan - Sunday, January 20, 2008
Treated My girlfriend to an evening up the OXO Tower just last night. We had been booked into a neighbouring restaurant only to discover it has under going a refurbishment. They had had the painters in and the décor was a ghastly shade of red that we didn't fancy dining in. The OXO tower was very accommodating but they did have to dispose of our table cloth after we finished as we enjoyed ourselves so much we left a bit of mess.
JJMalone - Monday, January 21, 2008
I found the whole experience thrilling. Access was a doddle, also...straight in via the Bovril Tunnel.
- Monday, January 21, 2008
I could find it anywhere , could someone leave some directions? Are there any recognisable landmarks in the vicinity
fluke - Monday, January 21, 2008
Do they have an Oxo tower in Trondheim ?
Hand of Drog - Monday, January 21, 2008
I regularly take my wife AND her Mother up the Oxo Tower . They both love the experience and it always leave them wanting more. Edna (my wifes Mother) was a bit wary at first, but after hearing how much Beryl (my wife) loved it, she let me take her there. She squealed with delight when I took her as high as was possible and Beryl laughed at her Mothers contorted expression on her face. My Father In Law (Harold) has hinted that he'd like me to surprise him one day and take him up the Oxo Tower when he's least expecting it, but i'm not so sure he'd enjoy it as much as the women. He likes a bit of variation, but he's probably best staying with what he's used to and eating much lower down.
Chopper - Monday, January 21, 2008
When visiting, be careful where you leave your valuables, the backdoor's been kicked in on numerous occasions.
Welsh Amphibian - Monday, January 21, 2008
I am always eager to go up The Oxo Tower whenever the opportunity presents itself. The prices are reasonable although you may have to leave a deposit and a generous tip. It's always accommodating. warm and snug. Although it can be a little tight on space. The last time I was up there I was forced to leave my bags outside. I thank you.
FLASH - Monday, January 21, 2008
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Joe is sitting on a train across from a
busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realises he is staring and
inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.
Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.
"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over
and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"
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im not racist this just made me LOL
i got arrested in b&q today for punching a female coon on the till wasn't my fault my dad told me go in and find a black and Decker!!!
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what do you call a woman with eggs and bacon on her head?
cath
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Formula One Driver Felipe Massa will take early retirement due to injuries sustained in last weekend's accident.
However, there is light at the end of the tunnel as he has been lined up by the BBC to host the new series of SPRINGWATCH. :grin:
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what do you call a woman with eggs and bacon on her head?
cath
Don't know if I'm thick or something but...... :huh: :huh: :huh:
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cath CAFE :rolleyes:
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In an eastenders cockney accent... as in Cath=caff, Bath=Barf, Mout=Maaf, South=Saaf, North=Norf etc etc and Chav= "pay taxes? you fakin wot mate!?"
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What's the biggest cause of paedophilia in the UK?
Sexy kids.
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Thick walls.
Plenty of space.
Naked Kids.
No consequences.
Carlsberg don't do homosexual paedophile rapist colonies with an unlimited supply of virgin boys...
...But the Catholic Church does.
What's brown and sticky?
Anal.
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bloke at a supermarket go to the tills, infront of him is a female.
he looks in her basket, she has a bottle of wine, curry for 1 and some strawberries and cream.
she looks in his basket, he has a 6 pack of beers, curry for 1 and a chocolate cake.
they then catch eye to eye and crack a cheeky smile. the bloke says to the woman
'i bet your single arent you'
'yes' she replied, 'how do you know that'
he then said 'cuz your an ugly C(_)NT
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what do skid marks and life have in common.
At some point u'll get pissed off.
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21 Economic Models Explained
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk
away.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute debt/equity
swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back,
with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells
the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one
more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving
you
with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want
three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ?Cowkimon? and market it
world-wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk
themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and
learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your
country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
-
what do women and clouds have in common?
when they clear off its a nice day :wink:
-
My favourite sexual position is the JFK.
I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
Women eh! Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets, exercise but they won't take it up the 4rse cause it 'hurts'.
My girlfriend came round unexpectedly the other day.
That's the last time I buy Tesco Value chloroform.
-
My Girlfriend has just bought one of the new Katie Price rape alarms.
It's a first class stamp and a letter to the editor of the Sun
Has anyone seen the news?
They keep playing a trailer for the French version of "District 9".
Looks pretty good.
-
A little girl down my road went missing this morning. Her parents asked everyone in the neighbourhood to help search for her.
They didn't seem too impressed when I came out of the house with my scuba gear.
What's black and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre.
I was rejected at this job interview that I had.
Apparently, "gang rape" is not a suitable example to prove that you are good at working in teams.
A ginger kid got knocked down by a lorry outside my house today. Just think - that could've been me.
But I can't drive a lorry.
What do black men do after sex?
15 years to life.
-
^^^ lol
Why did the girl fall off the swing?
...She had no arms
-
53,000 Man U supporters meet within Old Trafford for a ''Man U Supporters Are Not Stupid'' convention.
Alex Ferguson addresses the crowd 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Man U supporters are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?'
Rooney gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
Fergie asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?'
After 15 or 20 seconds Wayne says, 'Eighteen!'
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Man U faithful start chanting 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'
Fergie says 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here (except the BBC), I think we can give him another chance. So he asks 'What is 5 plus 5?'
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, 'Ninety?'
The boss looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened and Wayne starts crying. But then the 53,000 faithful begin to yell and wave their hands shouting 'GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!'
Fergie, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, ' What is 2 plus 2?'
Silence hangs over the stadium. Rooney closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'
Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Man U crowd stand, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream .............
wait for it........................
'GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!'
-
Grandma & Grandpa are sitting on the porch, when all of a sudden Grandma slaps Grandpa.
"That's for 50 years of the worst sex I've ever had."
They're both silent for ten minutes. Then Grandpa slaps Grandma.
"That's for knowin' the difference."
A guy was riding down the road when he saw a pretty young lady standing with her thumb out. The driver pulled over and offered her a ride. She got in, and they started driving.
"My name is June Hanson," she said
"My name is Gene Snow," he replied. They rode on for a while in silence.
"Why do you keep sizing me up?" she asked after a while.
"I was just wondering what it would be like to have eight inches of Snow in June."
-
just brought a boyzone album from teco's and got 20 percent off talk about deja vu
stephen gately from boyzone has died from a massive coke overdose ...sure that must be a spelling mistake and mean cock overdose
i'll get me coat !
-
stephen gateleys dead.................what a bummer
apparently they found fruit up gatelys arse.. been date raped
must have had about 10 yesterday
-
female dwarf goes to the docs complaining of a sore fanny
doc gets some srissors and snips round abit
dwarf then says wow doc that feels alot better, what did you do
doc says ive trimmed the top off your wellies
oh dear :undecided: :undecided:
-
Stephen Gatelys boyfriend woke up to the biggest stiffy ever this morning.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Police have revealed that Steven Gatley may have died of a boxing related injury,
a Police spokesman said "he had taken a right pounding in the ring"
_____________________________________________________________________________
There was a wee singer called Gately, who hasn't been singing much lately. After a
bottle of rum and a cock up his bum, his trip to the sun ended fatally.
-
dont you just hate them people that come knocking your door asking you to 'donate' to charity
id just about had enough and was ready to go mental when ...
i had a woman yesterday wanting donations of sperm
I gave her a right mouthful
-
Asked what she thought of the turnout at her latest signing in London. Leona Lewis replaied "I was gobsmacked!"
Sorry... :lipsrsealed:
-
Man hears knock at the door, opens it to find a wee snail on the doorstep. Man bends down and pings snail, snail goes flying.
Few weeks later there's a knock at the door, it's the snail again and he says to the man "What the fcuk was all that about?".
-
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing
and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons
of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
-
Man dies and goes to hell.
Demon gives him the option to pick his first tortue.
Behind door number one there's flames
Behind door number two there's boiling tar
Behind door number three there's a busty blonde sucking a guy off.
Man hesitates, then says "erm, door number three please."
Demon says "times up blondie, this guy'll take it from here..."
-
Its goin to be a fab xmas in heaven, Steven Gately singing the carols, Patrick Swayzee leading the dancing,
Keith Floyd cooking lunch and Jacko playing with the kids! :grin:
-
I kept them all alive didn’t I, says Mum-of-the-Year nominee Jordan
Katie Price has been nominated for Celebrity Mum of the Year after successfully keeping all of her children alive for the duration of 2009.
Price made the final short-list after meeting the minimum requirement of ending the year with no fewer children than she started it.
Other short-listed mums include Jade goody who is likely secure a number of votes, despite only performing well in the first half of the year.
The short-list has received criticism from those parents who point out they would rather leave their children in the care of a pack of wolves than some of the nominees.
“Iâ€d rather sign my four-year old son up for a five-year tour in the Helmand province than let him spend the weekend in the care of that perma-tanned fame-addled slapper.†said Jane Potter, 29.
Role-model
An award spokeswoman said, “We looked for strong positive maternal role models, and when we couldn’t find any we short-listed whoever we thought would give us the most publicity.â€
“Like all good mums, she lets her hair down when she needs to, but no more than most other mothers who go out six or seven times a week.â€
“We also applaud her selection of nannies for the children which limits her actual contact with the impressionable children.â€
“She is clearly raising the type of well-rounded young people you would expect - considering she swapped their father for a man who spends his days beating up other men in cages.â€
“We also note that during the year she has not lost, injured or killed any of her children, and for that success alone, we recognise her with this nomination.â€
“What? Did you say she SINGS to the children at night? Christ, someone get me the election committee, right now!â€
-
Sorry if this has gone up already
A couple had been happily married for years; the only friction in their relationship was that the husband farted a lot,
He would fart at night at wake both himself and his wife up, she would say to him, ''one day you will fart your guts out'', ''nah nah that’s impossible, go back to sleep''
This happens once or twice a week. One day the wife is up early to prepare the Christmas turkey, she's working hard plucking and gutting it ready for the celebration,
She looks at the bowl of guts on the table and has an idea,
She creeps up the stairs and into their bedroom and stands next to her sleeping husband,
She pulls back his waistband and slowly pours the contents of the bowl down into his pyjamas,
Struggling not to laugh she creeps back down the stairs and continues to prepare the turkey,
At 7:00 on the dot she hears her husband wake, followed by his usual trumpeting,
After 30secs she hears scampering feet as he rushes into the bathroom,
A couple of minutes pass until she hears feet coming down the stairs,
She sticks her head round the corner of the kitchen and asks if he feels ok, ''you look as white as a sheet'',
He looks at her, trembling, and eventually mumbles ''you were right, i actually farted my guts out'',
''but don’t worry, two fingers and a pot of vaseline and i got most of them back in again''
-
BY FAR THE BEST ENGINE IN THE WORLD IS A FANNY...
IT PULLS ANYTHING
TAKES ANY SIZE PISTON
SELF LUBRICATES
STARTS WITH 1 FINGER
& EVERY 4 WEEKS DOES ITS OWN OIL CHANGE...
ITS JUST A PITY THE MANAGEMENT SYSTEM IS SO POXY TEMPERAMENTAL! :drool:
-
BY FAR THE BEST ENGINE IN THE WORLD IS A FANNY...
IT PULLS ANYTHING
TAKES ANY SIZE PISTON
SELF LUBRICATES
STARTS WITH 1 FINGER
& EVERY 4 WEEKS DOES ITS OWN OIL CHANGE...
ITS JUST A PITY THE MANAGEMENT SYSTEM IS SO POXY TEMPERAMENTAL! :drool:
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Tea on laptop! :grin:
All professionals are dirty, I mean look:
The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."
The Dentist because he says, "Open wide."
The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"
The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you’ll love it."
The Banker because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest."
The Police Officer because he says, "Spread ’em."
The Mailman because he always delivers his package.
The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.
-
I accidentally sent a picture of my dick to everyone in my address book today.
Not only was it really embarrassing, it also cost me a fortune in stamps.
-
why do old ladies not get the smear test??....
have you ever tried opening a cheese toastie?? :evil:
-
My uncle was a rubbish ventriloquist.
He kept putting his fingers up my 4rse and then telling me not to say anything...
-
*copied from a deleted thread on here*
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 -year-old son playing with his new electric train in the livingroom.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of you sons of b!tches who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b!tches who are getting on, get your asses on the train...cause we're going down the tracks.'
The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language.'
Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say...'All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.'
She heard her little darling continue...'For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added, 'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b!tch in the kitchen.'
-
Copied...
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding' me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting' laid!
ATTORNEY: She had 3 children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None .
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney.. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law
-
2 nuns driving down the road, a vampire jumps on the bonnet and one nun turns to the other and says show him your cross, then she turns around and shouts f*ck off!
what's orange and sings opera?
Lesley Carrot.
why did the boy take a ladder to school?
because he thought it was a high school.
what's brown and sticky?
dog poo.
okay i know, bad ones..
-
2 nuns driving down the road, a vampire jumps on the bonnet and one nun turns to the other and says show him your cross, then she turns around and shouts f*ck off!
what's orange and sings opera?
Lesley Carrot.
why did the boy take a ladder to school?
because he thought it was a high school.
what's brown and sticky?
dog poo.
okay i know, bad ones..
time to get get your coat sir.... :grin:
coats on, doors open :undecided:
if you can tell us another propper good one you can stay... :grin:
hah, some from my phone then...
got a liverpool advent calendar, windows been boarded up and the chocolate has been nicked..
a strange object was found in a car in hammersmith yesterday, police soon recognised this object as a tax disc..
a man has been found dead in the thames river wearing a chelsea shirt, sex toy rammed up his rear end and stockings and high heels, police removed the chelsea shirt to relieve the family of any embarisment..
good enough for you sir?
-
I'm not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected that special resin into her crack.....she hasn't even got a car!!
I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Gran's dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.
Matt Lucas's ex-partner hanged himself this week. Matt is said to be distraught but on a lighter note, is now the only gay in the village.
A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom.
" Holy F**k" she screams "And YOU want ME to see a doctor about sucking my thumb...!!
Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.
A man asks "What's wrong?"
Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"
Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."
*** Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" . The girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after. She went shopping, drank vodka with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a wardrobe full of shoes and bags, stayed skinny and was never farted upon. The End.
Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. Told them to " F**k Off". Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!
Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.
Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think " I'm having that!"
Man lost in a hot air ballon over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?"
The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me ya b ' stard, you're in that feckin basket!"
Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.
Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"
Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"
CLICK,BANG
Paddy "OK, done that, what next?
-
Just in time for Christmas.....
The new scent from Jade Goody....
Decomposition.....
-
In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from North-western University
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
-
Picture the scene, it's snowing, and a snowman is formed in a garden.
2 days later the sun comes out and melts away all the snow.
Where the snowman used to be....was a suicide note.
:grin: :grin: :grin:
-
Whats the ideal weight for the mother-in-law?
about 10lb's 3oz including the urn
ian
-
Why are wives like tornado's??
Because at the start there's a lot of sucking and blowing.......................... and then you lose your house!
-
Just been watching the news for the deaf. The person in the corner of the screen gave up trying after three attempts at 'Cockermouth'.
Jordan went to buy a new Bentley yesterday. She said she wanted in tailor made for Harvey. 'No problem' the salesman said. 'What flavour would you like the windows?'
-
This ones controversial as hell so if you offend easily dont read it!
Jordan goes into a garage and buys a brand new bentley.
"i want it modified for harvey"
she said.
"no problem"
Says the salesman,
"what flavour would you like the windows?"
-
Women might be able to fake orgasms.
But men can fake whole relationships."
-- Sharon Stone
“Women complain about pre-menstrual syndrome,
but I think of it as the only time of the month
that I can be myself."
-- Roseanne
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b!tch."
-- Jack Nicholson
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning
to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
-- Robin Williams
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a thingy,
and only enough blood to run one at a time."
-- Robin Williams
-
Sausages are the next thing that scientist can reveal that can cause cancer.
Well, if you smoke 40 sausages a day, it's your own fault!
-
New fragrances out for christmas...
Decomposure by jade goody.
last dance by patrick swayze
touch of youth by michael jackson
just for men by steven gateley
breathless by farrah fawcett
missing you by kate mcann
vacancy by boyszone
-
two women on there way back from a night out stop in a graveyard for a pee. one wipes her fanny with her knickers and the other with a wreath. the two husbands were in the pub the next day and the first man says "id better watch my wife, she came home last night with no knickers" the other man says "thats nothing, mine... had a card wedged in her arse saying-we'll never forget you, from all the boys at the fire station
:grin: :grin: :grin: made me laugh like hell in the pub last night
-
Three men married wives from different countries.
The first man married a woman from China .
He told her that she was to do their dishes and house cleaning. It took a
couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and
dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Italy .
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the
cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw
it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes
were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from England .
He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry
washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything,
but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a
little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix
himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
-
......and the fourth bloke married a girl from Spain.
Told her to do the dishes etc . The first day he didn't see any results.....or any other fking day. In fact , all he did see was a pile of clothes getting bigger and fking bigger.
:angry: :angry:
-
(http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3548/3371603564_0b6e73234a.jpg)
-
What's Maddie McCann gettng for Xmas this year?
Cock. Again.
-
What's Maddie McCann gettng for Xmas this year?
Cock. Again.
Oooo that low dude.
-
What's Maddie McCann gettng for Xmas this year?
Cock. Again.
Oooo that low dude.
Many a true word spoken in jest!
-
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy...
:grin:
-
lol @ above :D
-
So I was round my new girlfriends house. We were in the kitchen doing dinner when she asked me to turn on the veg.
Apparently, fingering her disabled sister was not what she meant !!!
-
I saw a scarecrow having a very unsuccesful w4nk the other day.
He was clutching at straws... :grin:
-
my thalidomide friend entered a wanking contest, asked him how he did, he said he never come anywhere
-
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy...
:grin:
hahaha quality
-
an englishman an irishman and a scotsman walk into a bar
I can't remember the rest but your mum's a whore!!!
-
Just got these on me phone.......
Fantastic! I've just discovered Twitter. Its my girlfriends sensitive area between the twit & the sh!tter.....
Jingle, jingle little very *friendly* person, let me stick it in ur butt, when u scream ill pull it out, not before u hear me shout, Santas next hes on his way, jingle, jingle all the way!!
-
Three pregnant women are sitting in a circle chatting and knitting. They're sitting knitting away, and the forst one pops a tablet in her mouth.
"What was that?" the others inquire.
"It was an iron tablet, I want my baby to be born with good blood." she replied.
So they're sitting knitting away, and one of the other women pops a tablet in her mouth and exclaims,
"I'm on the vitamin tablets myself, doctor says it'll give my baby the best start in life."
and once again they resume knitting away. The third woman then pops a tablet in her mouth and continues knitting. Curious, the other two women ask.
"And what kind of tablets are you on!"
"Thalidomide... I can't get these f*ckin' arms knitted at all!"
-
did you hear about the dyslexic drug dealer?
he was selling f's.
-
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse...
-
did you hear about the dyslexic devil-worshipper?
he sold his soul to santa
-
a ventriloquist is touring his act. doing his show one night with his dummy on his knee, he starts going
through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde shouts
''ive heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes, what does the colour of a persons hair have to do with their worth as a human being? its men like you who keep women like me from being respected!!''
the red faced ventriloquist begins to apologise but the blonde shouts to him
'' you stay out of this, im talking to that little tw@t on your knee''
-
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexics Association
Ok no more dyslexic jokes....
-
Old McDonald was dislexic,
I.O.E.I.A!!
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
-
What lurks when girls are asleep?
Me :grin: :grin: :grin:
(http://photos-h.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs191.snc3/19841_257346746360_624626360_3856235_7316689_n.jpg)
-
Rape is no laughing matter, unless you're raping a clown...
-
What's about a foot long and makes women scream?
Cot death
-
What's pink, wrinkly and hangs out of your Grandads trousers? Your Gran.
-
Harvey says to Jordan:
"Mummy I wanna be a teacher when I grow up"
Jordan replies:
"That's wonderful darling. Maybe when you can get your own pupils under control..." :evil:
-
2slow MK4's are fast. :grin:
-
A woman gets home from nightshift and decides to wake her husband by giving him oral sex. It's dark as she slides under the duvet, pulls his foreskin back and performs her dirty deed. She then goes to the bathroom to clean up and finds her husband in there shaving. "WHAT THE F*$K ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?" she yells! "Ssshhh" her husband says "you'll wake your dad" :grin:
-
With all the ice and snow on the pavements the council are trying to keep the kids from walking in the middle of the road. They have bought a new machine which they hope will frighten the kids out of the way.
They have called it the Gary Gritter.
-
is it to early to joke about the Haiti disaster
nah i think its best to let the dust settle first
-
I think I'm Haitian. After 10 aftershocks I can't find my house either.
-
my mrs hates jokes about serious things like the haiti and also jokes about harvey too... but she cant help but laff
except she hated this one
whats big and brown and bumps into everything
harvey
-
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman:" Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp...."
Doctor:"I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle".
2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman:" Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me.
Doctor:" you see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!"
-
i'm not bothering watching the African Nations Cup.
347 shots the other day and only 3 on target.
appalling
-
Some positive news from Haiti:
After the earthquake they are confident they will have the largest team at the 2012 Paralympics!
-
Daddy's Rules for Dating
Daddy's Rules for Dating
…10 simple rules for dating my daughter
Rule #1
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule #2
Do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so
long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot
keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule #3
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off
their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of
your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open
minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise. You may come
to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too
big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your
clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with
my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your
trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule #4
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me
elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill
you.
Rule #6
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the
day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you
is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back
at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject
is: 'early.'
Rule #6
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you
will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.
If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule #7
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want
to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter
is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than
painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why
don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule #8
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter. Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer
than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where
there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the
ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear
shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls,
a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies
with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided. Movies
which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old-folks
homes are better.
Rule #9
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-
aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I
am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you
where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the
truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun,
a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule #10
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake
the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a
rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the
voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for
you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway
you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the
perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought
my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is
no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window
is mine.
-
^^^^^^^^PMSL :grin:
-
BBC news- gunman in Virginia kills 8 people
Meanwhile, in Haiti, American airforce cargo planes has finally started emergency airdrops, dropping crates of food and water into the disaster area.
Bloody nice of him to donate his emergency airdrop to charity!
-
^^^^^^ I've read that 10 times I reckon - still dont get it :huh:
-
lol, your not the only one!!
-
i think it could have something to do with modern warfare 2.
-
i think it could have something to do with modern warfare 2.
it is, if you've not played MW2 then you wont get it.
-
that'll be why then, lol
-
my sister has hayfever, also just found out she's diabetic, bought her some flowers and chocolate to cheer her up a bit..
-
my sister has hayfever, also just found out she's diabetic, bought her some flowers and chocolate to cheer her up a bit..
You watched mock the week last night as well then... lol
-
my sister has hayfever, also just found out she's diabetic, bought her some flowers and chocolate to cheer her up a bit..
You watched mock the week last night as well then... lol
can't forget mock the week, shame frankie has gone though
-
Whats Blue and fluffy?
a blue bit of fluff...
-
What's brown and sticky?
A stick...
-
What do you call an indian with one leg longer than the other?
Balan Singh (balancing)
-
What do you call a Russian man with 3 testicles...?
Huejeh Nicabollockov
(Who'd you nick a bollock off)
-
having to explain your own jokes :shocked: not good :laugh:
-
having to explain your own jokes :shocked: not good :laugh:
Its for all the simpletons!
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.
What do you call him when you give him a coat hanger?
Cliff hanger :lipsrsealed:
-
Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are traveling together through remote alpine village and they need to find a hotel.
Being late at night the go the only hotel for miles and ask for three rooms.
Unfortunately there is only one room available and its a double. Not put off they agree to share the room with the Scotsman and Englishman sleeping up the bed and the Irishman in the middle sleeping down the bed.
At breakfast the next morning the Englishman says to his companions " I had this brilliantly vivid dream of this sexy woman wanking me off l", the Scotman replies "Aye, me too". The Irishman looks at them both and says "Strange, I dreamt I was skiing..."
-
I still remember playtime at school - a bit of footy in the playground, sneaking a quick cigarette and trying to finger girls behind the bike sheds.
Damn I miss that caretaker's job :laugh:
-
Little Tommy walks into his parents room and finds Dad going at Mum hammer and tongs from behind. His Dad just winks and gives him a thumps- up. An hour later Dad hears noises from Tommy's room and goes to investigate. He opens the door and sees Tommy going hammer and tongs at his Nan from behind. Dad screams " Tommy! What are you doing?" Tommy replies" See? Not so funny when its your Mum is it?"
-
Little Tommy walks into his parents room and finds Dad going at Mum hammer and tongs from behind. His Dad just winks and gives him a thumps- up. An hour later Dad hears noises from Tommy's room and goes to investigate. He opens the door and sees Tommy going hammer and tongs at his Nan from behind. Dad screams " Tommy! What are you doing?" Tommy replies" See? Not so funny when its your Mum is it?"
Bloody brilliant.
-
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane and as such have gone for a holiday back to the place where they first met.
While sitting at a cafe the little old man says "remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works and I gave you one from behind". "Why yes I remember it well dear." Replies the little old lady with a grin. "Well for old times sake, lets go there again and i`ll give you one from behind.
The two old pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing seeing two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows the pensioners.
Sure enough he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady`s hips and the little old lady then leans forward and grabs the fence for support.
Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old lady at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur and they do not stop for a single second.
Finally they collapse and don't move for an hour.
The young man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this, not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could sh*g like that now, let alone in fifty years time! The two old pensioners by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage the man approaches the pensioner. He says "sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody sh*g like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you sh*g like that fifty years ago? The pensioner replies " son, fifty years ago that ****ing fence wasn`t electrified
-
Two couples go away for the weekend. The guys, Steve and Bill, persuade their wives to swap partners for the night. The guys secretly agree that at breakfast they'll tap their teaspoon on the side of their cup, one tap for each time they had sex with the other's wife.
That night Steve skips upstairs knowing that it's his wife's time of the month, so he's got one over on Bill.
Next morning, a smug Steve taps his spoon three times on his cup but is shocked when Bill yawns, picks up his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and three times on the Nutella!!!
-
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a
Passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and
Started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was
Giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's
Face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped
Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs...'
Mummy fainted!
Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story
Before you interrupt!
-
OMG, those last three are funkin hilarious.
PMSL
-
a young boy had a splinter on his rear end, he goes to the doctor to get it pulled out, the doctor got wood :rolleyes:
-
GOOD OLD IRISH JOKES!!!
Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
------------ --------- --------oOo- -----------
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let
liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your f***ing plane!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts
"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are
getting on".
------------ --------- --------oOo- ------------------ -
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- ---------
Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?
A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you
get a dodgy one!
-------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U...S. prison service for
not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath
beach was asked to identify her.
A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think
that's her, she wasn't that tall!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking
like mad in the garden.
Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you
do?"
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like
it!"
------------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"
--------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London !"
-
what cheese do you use to hide a horse
marscaponi
-
The news reports that Gary Glitter slept with an 85-year old have been confirmed as false.
It was actually a Haiti 5 year old.
So the Haiti charity single is going to be "Everybody Hurts" by REM. It's just as well they're not going to use "It's The End Of The World As We Know It" as not only is it a really inconsiderate and inappropriate title for the Haitians, the first line of the song is "That's great it starts with an earthquake..."
-
I was booking into a hotel over the weekend with the wife. To avoid temptation I asked the receptionist if I could have the porn disabled. She told me I had to have normal porn like all the other guests.
The other day, I watched as another woman inserted her fingers into my wife's pussy. Like a lot of guys in that situation, I decided to have a w*nk. I thought I better stop when I got a disapproving look from the midwife.
What's the main cause of paedophilia in the UK?
Sexy kids
-
whats the upside of sh4gging twenty four year olds??
There's twenty of them
-
Mary was whizzing around the mental hospital in her wheelchair when she was stopped by carl, "license please" said carl, mary sped off round the corner and bumped into leon, "insurance please" said leon, off zoomed mary again until she was stopped by Dave, naked 8 inch hard on, "Oh No!!" cried mary, "not the breathaliser again!"
-
Reasons why Punjabi's cant be terrorists:
1. We're always late; we would have missed all four flights
2. We would talk loudly and bring attention to ourselves
3. With free food and drinks on the plane we would forget why we're there
4. We talk with our hands, therefore would have to put all weapons down
5. We would be too worried what would happen to the family business if we died
6. We cant keep a secret. Someone from leicester would tell!!!
-
The local mosque has a fantastic new promotion... if you join today not only will you get a free gown and sandals... but you will also get a free bomber jacket.
-
teacher asks class to name things that end with "tor" that eat things.
1st little boy says "alligator" "very good thats a big word" says teacher... 2nd boy says "predator", "yes thats another big word"
3rd boy says "vibrator miss..." after nearly falling off her chair the teacher says "thats a big word but it doesnt eat anything" to which the boy replies "well my older sister has one and she says it eats batteries like fu<k!"
-
Mr singh, a postman is retiring on his last round, he gets a bottle of whiskey from the first house, cigars rom the next, the third house, mrs smith is waiting in her nightdress! she drags him upstairs and makes mad passionate love to him then brings him downstairs for a huge fry up. mr singh see a fiver under his cup ad asks "whats this?". Mrs smith explains "me and my husband were talking about what to get you for your retirement, he said FU<K him! give him a FIVER... breakfast was my idea!!"
-
A half jewish half black kid asks his mum "Am i mostly jewish or mostly black mum?"
"your just my son" replies his mum, "but why such a question?"
"Well my mate is selling his bike for £50 and i dont know wether to haggle wih him or just stab the c*nt and take it."
-
You may be a Taliban if...
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean'.
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've ever uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave'.
10. You have nothing against women, and think every man should own at least one.
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not
12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
-
fabio capello has just phoned wayne bridge and told him not to worry about whats gone on and that john terry has lost his captains armband, he then asked if wayne could have a quick look under his bed for it :laugh:
-
Whats black, white and red all over.
A nun rolling down a hill with a knife in her back. :shocked:
-
The car in front ....
... will probably crash.
-
How do you tell if your girlfriend is a right skank?
You ask her for a blow job and she says
"Not now I'm too tired. Have a w@nk into a cup and I'll drink it in the morning"
-
Terry : 'What a sh!te couple of years. Mum's a thief. Dad's a druggy. Been pulled up in the tabloids several times for my arrogant behavior and now just missed the decisive penalty in a Champions League final'
Bridge : ' Humph, Count yourself lucky mate.....I've just found out my missus has Aids'
-
Ashley Cole got done for doing 130mph. When the police asked why he was going so fast he replied, I heard John Terry's car is parked outside my house.
-
I told my mate the other day that his new nickname was going to be "John Terry".
He laughed and said; "what because you wouldn't leave me alone with your missus"?
No because you’re a c#nt I replied.
-
A half jewish half black kid asks his mum "Am i mostly jewish or mostly black mum?"
"your just my son" replies his mum, "but why such a question?"
"Well my mate is selling his bike for £50 and i dont know wether to haggle wih him or just stab the c*nt and take it."
I actually lolled! :grin: :grin: :grin:
-
My local curry house is holding a charity curry night in aid of the haiti disaster
The specials are: Chicken burryanti, Nandead and papagon
-
The Worlds worst joke...
A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley with a large tank full of various species, and the man examines the dishes.
"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "An excellent choice, they have a delicate, mild flavour." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"
A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.
Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.
"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that little green squid with the hairy lip!"
The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.
"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.
*
*
*
*
*
*
Wait for it...
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"
-
Oh man that is poor :laugh: :grin:
-
The Worlds worst joke...
A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley with a large tank full of various species, and the man examines the dishes.
"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "An excellent choice, they have a delicate, mild flavour." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"
A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.
Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.
"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that little green squid with the hairy lip!"
The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.
"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.
*
*
*
*
*
*
Wait for it...
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"
don't come here again :sick:
-
Thats my kind of humour! :laugh:
-
I first heard that in 1987! :huh:
-
I dont get it!
-
I dont get it!
Its a fairy liquid advert\
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3bI-uKniXpE
-
I dont get it!
Can be arranged
-
I dont get it!
Its a fairy liquid advert\
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3bI-uKniXpE
Ok, now I get it, and that is terrible!
I dont get it!
Can be arranged
Woa there! Stalker!
-
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood, he parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to pizz off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats swooping behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed, all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good for you!" said the bat, "Because last time I f'king didn't."
-
john O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
me life! Between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night
at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep,
and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come
-
What do u call a man in the bushes?
Russel.
4 asylumn seekers were found dead in the back of a tesco arctic truck at Dover.
Every little helps.
-
What do u call a man in the bushes?
Russel.
4 asylumn seekers were found dead in the back of a tesco arctic truck at Dover.
Every little helps.
2 asylum seekers driving in a vauxhall zafira accidently drove off a cliff, police said this was a terrible accident as the zafira was capable of seating 7..
sorry
-
Man walks into a sex shop and asks about the various sex toys he could buy.
Shopkeeper says, 'the inflatable dolls are selling well at the minute'.
Man says 'ok, sounds good to me'.
Shopkeeper says 'we do two different types, an english one and a muslim one'.
Man is confused and asks 'whats the difference?'
Shopkeeper replies 'the muslim one blows itself up when you get it home!'
Sorry if has been said before, to many pages to trawl through
-
Heard about the Gay man with a nut allergy? :lipsrsealed:
-
What happened when the man with no arms tried to masturbate?
He was stumped.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a gully?
Rocky
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a field of marijuana?
Bud
What do you call an electrician with no arms and no legs?
Sparky
What do you call a plumber with no arms and no legs?
Wet
What do you call a cat with no legs?
Dogfood
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter. He won't come when you call him anyway.
What do you call two guys with no arms or legs hanging over your window?
Curt n' Rod
What was the name of the limbless guy that fell in the fire?
Bernie
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs burried 6 feet under?
Doug
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs burried 3 feet under?
Douglas
What do you call a man with no arms, no legs and no torso?
Dick
What do you call a legless and armless boy on a baseball team?
First base
What was the name of the limbless guy that was boiled by cannibals?
Stu
What was the name of the limbless girl who was stuck on a femce?
Barb
What was the name of the limbless guy that worked at the soda plant?
Tab
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs that sits on top of a podium?
Mike
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs under your car?
Jack
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?
Art
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of your door?
Matt
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your mail box?
Bill
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs water-skiing?
Skip
What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs rolling around on the beach?
Sandy
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hole in the ground?
Phil
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs trying to hold-up a bank?
Rob
What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other, married to a politician?
Tipper
What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs on a dirt road?
Dusty
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who left a smudge on your floor?
Mark
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs that just fell out of a boat?
Bob
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs flying over a fence?
Homer
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting on a grill?
Frank
What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs sitting on a grill?
Patty
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting in a pile of leaves?
Russell
-
The Worlds worst joke...
A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley with a large tank full of various species, and the man examines the dishes.
"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "An excellent choice, they have a delicate, mild flavour." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"
A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.
Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.
"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that little green squid with the hairy lip!"
The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.
"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.
*
*
*
*
*
*
Wait for it...
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"
Hahaha great!!!
-
ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife... A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my
interest...
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.
The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd
get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and tazer in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...
HOLY MOTHER OF.. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three
second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above
my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my
testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift
and
now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!
-
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'
-
Their r 2 mnay dslyixc jkoes on this wesbiet, it is begningin to affend me atcullay
-
What's worse than a dog eating your shoe?
A whale eating your trainer :lipsrsealed:
-
one of my fav crap jokes,
you heard about the magic tractor?
Goes down the road and turns into a field
-
one of my fav crap jokes,
you heard about the magic tractor?
Goes down the road and turns into a field
Oh mate that brings back memories for me.
A bloke at work told the whole team that a couple of years ago, he hyped the joke up so much and then came out with it a couple of hours late :grin:
He got ripped to shreads for a couple of months for that joke :grin:
-
Sex On Mars
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie weenie about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.
'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'
'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'
'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'
-
Man goes to the shop and buys a pack of multi flavoured condoms, and takes them home. That night he and his missus get into bed and he says 'lets play a game, where I put one on and you try and guess which one it is. So she disappears under the covers and shouts out "cheesy wotsit". He replies 'for f*ck sake give me a chance to put one on!
-
1. Two blondes walk into a building........ .. you'd think at least
one of them would have seen it
2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks
are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have
a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he
checks his teeth. Finally, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put
him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy".
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck
up my backside." "...How's that?"
"Don't you start." (someone please explain this one to me lol!)
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure. You look great ... the world's your
oyster ... go for it."
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The
other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
the other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today." They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.' "So that was nice of them."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore".
"Doctor, doctor when I bend my arm like this it hurts." "Well don't
do it!"
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night
-
Mental patient is inhospital when a nurse catches him with his willy in between two biscuits! "WHAT ARE YOU DOIN?????" she asks. "Im f*cking crackers" he replied
-
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck
up my backside." "...How's that?"
"Don't you start." (someone please explain this one to me lol!)
According to the Laws of Cricket, an appeal is a verbal query, usually in the form of, "How's that?" to an umpire. Since the taking of a wicket is an important event in the game, members of the fielding team often shout this phrase with great enthusiasm, and it has transmuted into the slightly abbreviated form, "Howzat?", often with a greatly extended final syllable. Most players also raise their arms or point at the umpire as part of the appeal. Some players have established their own trademark appeals as well.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Appeal_(cricket)
-
A joke explained is a joke ruined :grin:
-
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
-
Young lad pulls an older woman at a club. She's 56 but looks very good for her age. On the way back to her house the bloke is thinking to himself "Hmmm I bet her daughter is seriously hot too!"
Just then out of the blue, the woman turns to him and asks
"Would you like a Sportsman's Double?"
"What's that?" asks the young man.
"It's a Mother & Daughter threesome!" replied the woman.
"Oh HELL yeah I would!!!" he eagerly replies.
So as they go in through the front door, he is trembling with excitement and can barely contain himself.
She puts the hall light on and shouts
"Mum! Are you still awake???!!!"
-
Do you ever worry about the NHS at all? You should -
These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow
1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
-
Why does Prince Charles have Big Ears?
Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.
-
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie are all walking together one day..
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ' POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Aussie says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Aussie sits down , cracks a beer, lights a cigarette,
smiles and says,
'Fill the f#cker's with water.'
-
Being English.
Being English is about driving to work in a German car, going to an Irish pub after work for a Belgian beer, then on the way home grabbing an Indian or a kebab from the Turkish takeaway, the sitting on a Sweedish sofa watching American shows on a Japanese tv. And most of all being suspicious of anything foreign. Oh, and only in England can you get a pizza to your home quicker than an ambulance. Only in England do banks leave the front doors open, yet chain the pens to the desks, supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the store to get to the chemist, yet people can get their ciggarettes from the front.
We might be English, but boy are we funny!
-
Being English.
Being English is about driving to work in a German car, going to an Irish pub after work for a Belgian beer, then on the way home grabbing an Indian or a kebab from the Turkish takeaway, the sitting on a Sweedish sofa watching American shows on a Japanese tv. And most of all being suspicious of anything foreign. Oh, and only in England can you get a pizza to your home quicker than an ambulance. Only in England do banks leave the front doors open, yet chain the pens to the desks, supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the store to get to the chemist, yet people can get their ciggarettes from the front.
We might be English, but boy are we funny!
Wow, how true :shocked:
-
Being English.
Being English is about driving to work in a German car, going to an Irish pub after work for a Belgian beer, then on the way home grabbing an Indian or a kebab from the Turkish takeaway, the sitting on a Sweedish sofa watching American shows on a Japanese tv. And most of all being suspicious of anything foreign. Oh, and only in England can you get a pizza to your home quicker than an ambulance. Only in England do banks leave the front doors open, yet chain the pens to the desks, supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the store to get to the chemist, yet people can get their ciggarettes from the front.
We might be English, but boy are we funny!
:grin: Substitute English for British and you've hit the nail pretty much on the head there :grin:
-
Being English.
Being English is about driving to work in a German car, going to an Irish pub after work for a Belgian beer, then on the way home grabbing an Indian or a kebab from the Turkish takeaway, the sitting on a Sweedish sofa watching American shows on a Japanese tv. And most of all being suspicious of anything foreign. Oh, and only in England can you get a pizza to your home quicker than an ambulance. Only in England do banks leave the front doors open, yet chain the pens to the desks, supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the store to get to the chemist, yet people can get their ciggarettes from the front.
We might be English, but boy are we funny!
:grin: Substitute English for British and you've hit the nail pretty much on the head there :grin:
Very true also funny.
-
a blonde goes into her doctor and the doctor suddenly says
"whats happened to your ears"
the blonde replys "well the phone rang as i was doing the ironing, i tried to answer the iron by accident"
"oh, so why is your other ear red?"
"i tried to ring the ambulance with my other ear"
-
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'
-
Distraught girl from Norfolk writes in to the Jeremy Kyle show:
"Dear Jeremy. I am 15 years old and have not had a baby yet. Does this mean my brothers are infertile?"
-
You are invited to the Premature Ejaculation Society's Dinner Dance this weekend. There's no dress code - Just come in your pants
-
i was going through a couple of magazines down the local mosque the other day. I was really enjoying myself...
...And then the rifle jammed
-
Being English.
Being English is about driving to work in a German car, going to an Irish pub after work for a Belgian beer, then on the way home grabbing an Indian or a kebab from the Turkish takeaway, the sitting on a Sweedish sofa watching American shows on a Japanese tv. And most of all being suspicious of anything foreign. Oh, and only in England can you get a pizza to your home quicker than an ambulance. Only in England do banks leave the front doors open, yet chain the pens to the desks, supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the store to get to the chemist, yet people can get their ciggarettes from the front.
We might be English, but boy are we funny!
:grin: Substitute English for British and you've hit the nail pretty much on the head there :grin:
Very true also funny.
:undecided: not that funny. most those things are true in MOST countries
-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Power of Alcohol
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!"
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay .. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!"
The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
*
*
(Wait for it.)
*
*
*
(It's coming.)
*
*
(Ya ready?)
*
*
* (Don't hate me!)
*
*
* (Yer gonna hate me!)
*
*
* (Take a deep breath)
*
*
*
" He should've quit while he was a head!"
-
:grin: That's so sad but oddly amusing.
-
pmsl, pub joke.... literally, lol :D
-
Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
Cos when she takes it off you wonder where her tits went.
-
a blonde woman taps the window of a lorry at a junction tells the driver hes losing some of his load he drives off this happens at 2 more junctions, at the third he sees her coming and gets out excuse me she said your losing your load out the back i know he replied im a f----ing gritter
-
Failure is not when your girlfriend leaves you,
it's only when you leave her a virgin.
Tension is when wife is pregnant!
Terror is when girlfriend is pregnant!
Horror is when both are pregnant!
Tragedy is when you are not responsible for both!
The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10% enters the female.
And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty?
Why is it that a girl looks down when you say I love you?
To see if you really mean it!
Why is sex similar to shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it today, tomorrow you have to do it again.
Wives are funny creatures.
They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks
and then they want to kill the woman who does.
Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic sex.
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years.
The stock markets now are like an old man's d**k?
Just refusing to rise, and the irony is that everyone
is still getting screwed!
This week is Breast Awareness Week.
Spread the slogan .......
"We stare because we care!"
The saddest part of a man's body is his balls.
The Lord Almighty sentenced them to "Hang Till Death!"
A loud scream comes from the bedroom and the husband runs in.
He sees a guy leaping out of the window.
Wife yells: That guy just screwed me twice!
Husband: Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?
Wife: Because I thought it was you, until he started the second time.
What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby
is the result of standing cock.
If a bomb bursts in a bra, what would you get?
Tit-Bits.
And if it bursts in a man's underwear?
Banana split.
What's the difference between a bomb & a condom?
In a bomb blast, population decreases
BUT in a condom blast, population increases
-
What's the difference between a cat and a trampoline?
You take your boots off to jump on a trampoline.
How many cats does it take to paint a room?
Depends how big they are and how hard you throw them.
How do you make a cat go woof?
Petrol. match. woof
How did the giants dog die?
Massive stroke.
-
^^ you no like da pussy then Neo????
-
^^ you no like da pussy then Neo????
love em, got two. :wink:
However, upon reflection, when i said cat, I actually meant baby.... :grin:
-
Two blokes are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.
One bloke says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".
The other bloke says, "Don't you think you ought to get to know him first?"
-
the liverpool team coach has just entered france on its way to spain, the driver sat doing 70 of the motorways, when rafa turns to the driver and tells him to put his foot down! "But what about all of the speed camera's?" says the driver, to which rafa replies "hey dont worry about that, we need all the points we can get!!! :laugh: :laugh:
-
In the bedroom...........
Husband says to his wife: Do you fancy playing the "Rape Game ?" ................. Wife says "No!"
Husband ................. "Thats the spirit!" :grin:
Cheers to All
Peter
-
I'm voting for the Volcanic Ash Party in the election. They've stopped more immigration in 5 days than labour have in the past 10 years!
-
I'm voting for the Volcanic Ash Party in the election. They've stopped more immigration in 5 days than labour have in the past 10 years!
:laugh:
-
All flights out of UK air space are cancelled because of the imminent danger of planes crashing due to the volcanic ash cloud. This is with the exception of Air India, Pakistan Airways and all Eastern European flights who's passengers should check in normally.
Ooer!
-
Eight things girls shud say to men -
1. I'm bored, let's shave my pussy
2. Are you sure you have had enough to drink?
3. That fart was great do another!
4. Of course I swallow, love it!
5. No thats ok You watch porn, Ill wank you after i've done the washing up.
6. Just for a change put it in my arse.
7. How about u get that girl from work to join in?
8. Marriage? No way!
Sadly, Carlsberg dont do girlfriends but Thailand does!
-
DISLEXIC PORN...............
(http://i241.photobucket.com/albums/ff128/green_rizla/images1.jpg)
Cheers to All
Peter
-
the liverpool team coach has just entered france on its way to spain, the driver sat doing 70 of the motorways, when rafa turns to the driver and tells him to put his foot down! "But what about all of the speed camera's?" says the driver, to which rafa replies "hey dont worry about that, we need all the points we can get!!! :laugh: :laugh:
git :grin:
-
A bloke goes to the doctor and is surprised to find out that his old family doctor has retired and been replaced by a stunning leggy young blonde............
She says "what can I do for you ???? ....................
Sensing that her being there, instead of the old man she replaced is a bit of a surprise for the patient she continues.............
"Please don't be embarrassed, I'm a professional. Now what seems to be the problem ???"
The bloke loops at her and says.............
"I think my cock tastes funny"
-
Wife gets ready in front of the mirror and says to her husband " i'm horrible, fat and ugly, pay me a compliment." Husband says, "theres nowt wrong with your eyesight."
________________________________________________________
Father and son are in the supermarket.
Son: "Dad what are these?"
Father: "Thats a 3 pack of Condoms son for Secondary School lads, 1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night."
Son: "What about the 6 pack dad?"
Father: "They are for University students. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night and 2 for Sunday night."
Son: "What about the 12 pack then dad?"
Father: "They are for married men, 1 for january, 1 for February, 1 for March....."
_______________________________________________________
Farmer in Blackburn see's a bloke drinking from his stream and shouts "Eyup cock, tha dun wanna b drinkin frm theer its full of hoss p1ss and cow sh1te." The bloke says "i'm from Pakistan, can you speak a bit slower please?" "OK" he says, " if - you - use- two - hands - my - friend - you - wont - spill - any."
-
Leroy says to Winston ....... "I had sex last night with a white woman for the first time. It was pretty lively but it made my eyes sting"
Winston looks at him............... *That'll be the pepper spray".
Cheers to All
Peter
-
I went to a disco last night ............
Everyone was dancing and having a great time................. The dj played "jump around" and we all jumped around ........... then he played "Sit Down" by James and everyone sat down ................
The he played "Come on Eileen" ................... and I got thrown out :huh:
Cheers to All
Peter
-
I went to a disco last night ............
Everyone was dancing and having a great time................. The dj played "jump around" and we all jumped around ........... then he played "Sit Down" by James and everyone sat down ................
The he played "Come on Eileen" ................... and I got thrown out :huh:
Cheers to All
Peter
That made me PML I was laughing at my desk at work :grin:
-
Saw this on ebay ...................... Made me grin :smiley:
(http://i241.photobucket.com/albums/ff128/green_rizla/xl.jpg)
THE ULTIMATE GAL PULLER. FORGET YOUR BIG SPOTLIGHTS,NOISY BACK BOX.GO FAST STRIPES ETC. JUST LEAVE THIS IN VIEW ON YOUR DASHBOARD OR PARCEL SHELF AND SIT BACK WHILE THEY COME FLOCKING. ALL NEW AND UNUSED.12 IN ALL. FOR THE BIG BOYS OR WISHFUL THINKING ONES ARE THESE. 57MM WIDTH NOMINAL. I USED THIS TYPE UNTIL I WAS 14 THEN THEY STARTED TO PINCH ME .
Cheers to All
Peter
-
Gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night. Ungrateful b!tch spat it out.
My wife has thrown me out for constantly masturbating in bed. She said it was getting on her tits.
-
The best engine in the world is the v@gina. It can be started with one finger. It is self lubricating. It takes any size piston. And it changes its own oil every four weeks. It's only a pity that the management system is so fcuking temperamental :grin:
-
What's the difference between madeline mcann and the icelandic volcano?
Madeline only ruined one holiday.
I'll get my coat :grin:
-
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jills fan*y
Jack got a shock and a mouth full of c*ck cuz Jills a fu*king tranny
-
A good one to text your mates.
Recent studies have shown that constantly sucking d*ck takes away the ability to speak.
Now I can understand why always text and never call.
-
The best engine in the world is the girl thingy. It can be started with one finger. It is self lubricating. It takes any size piston. And it changes its own oil every four weeks. It's only a pity that the management system is so fcuking temperamental :grin:
:grin: :grin: :grin: :grin:
-
young lad goes to work in a morgue an old dear is brought in the youg lad tells his boss the old girl has a prawn between her legs he says WHAT the old girl has a prawn between her legs he says show me. thats not a prawn thats a clitoris lad says well it tastes like a prawn.
-
I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close miss yesterday.
I walked into B&Q and some old guy dressed in orange asked me if I wanted decking.
Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was the end of that.
Those less suspecting might not be so lucky.
Be careful out there....
-
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were
fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
-
guy stopped me and asked is there a B&Q in cardiff i said no theres a C anA anR etc.
-
Paddy and Murphy are walking down a country lane and come across a young woman with a pushbike with a puncture.
Paddy decides to stop and help her ......... and Murphy carries on walking.
A while later Paddy rides up on the girls bike. Murphy says “What are ye doing riding that bike then?â€
Paddy tells him “ Well now, I fixed the bike and bejeesus the girl she lays down by the side of the road, takes off her knickers and says “I’m so grateful you can take what you want†..............
“So I takes the bike and rides up to find youâ€...................
“Good on yer†says Murphy........... “The f**kin’ knickers wouldn’t have fitted you anywayâ€.
-
A farmer goes to see a solicitor......... “Oi wants one of them divoreces from me wifeâ€
The solicitor asks him “Do you have grounds?†............. “Yes†he says “Oive got me forty acres oi ‘aveâ€
“No, no the solicitor replies. I mean do you have a divorce suit ?†................... No oi aint. But oi got me Sunday best suit. Oi wears it to church an allâ€.
The solicitor tries again............ “Do you have a grudge?†...................... The farmer thinks......... “Yes, oi ‘aveâ€........... “It’s where oi do park me tractorâ€.
The solicitor is getting fed up so he gives it one more go before he gives up.........
“Is your wife perhaps, a nagger ?†...................
“No she’s white an all. But the f**kin’ baby’s a nagger............. that’s why oi wants a divorce!!!â€
-
A farmer goes to see a solicitor......... “Oi wants one of them divoreces from me wifeâ€
The solicitor asks him “Do you have grounds?†............. “Yes†he says “Oive got me forty acres oi ‘aveâ€
“No, no the solicitor replies. I mean do you have a divorce suit ?†................... No oi aint. But oi got me Sunday best suit. Oi wears it to church an allâ€.
The solicitor tries again............ “Do you have a grudge?†...................... The farmer thinks......... “Yes, oi ‘aveâ€........... “It’s where oi do park me tractorâ€.
The solicitor is getting fed up so he gives it one more go before he gives up.........
“Is your wife perhaps, a nagger ?†...................
“No she’s white an all. But the f**kin’ baby’s a nagger............. that’s why oi wants a divorce!!!â€
:laugh: :grin: :grin:
-
A farmer goes to see a solicitor......... “Oi wants one of them divoreces from me wifeâ€
The solicitor asks him “Do you have grounds?†............. “Yes†he says “Oive got me forty acres oi ‘aveâ€
“No, no the solicitor replies. I mean do you have a divorce suit ?†................... No oi aint. But oi got me Sunday best suit. Oi wears it to church an allâ€.
The solicitor tries again............ “Do you have a grudge?†...................... The farmer thinks......... “Yes, oi ‘aveâ€........... “It’s where oi do park me tractorâ€.
The solicitor is getting fed up so he gives it one more go before he gives up.........
“Is your wife perhaps, a nagger ?†...................
“No she’s white an all. But the f**kin’ baby’s a nagger............. that’s why oi wants a divorce!!!â€
:laugh: :grin: :grin:
:grin: :grin: :grin:
-
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?â€
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.†There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
-
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?â€
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.†There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
That was good ............... made I larf :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
-
Tips on how to masturbate;
If you're a girl
1) Get something small if it's your first time, like a lip gloss container. Make sure it's got a rounded tip.
2) Put a little water on it.
3) Get yourself on the ground or your bed. Make sure you're comfortable.
4) Put your feet up on somthing. Make sure they are higher than your head. Spread your legs.
5) For the ultimate experience, relax first. Just lay there. Think about nothing. And DONT BE NERVOUS.
6) Slowly begin to touch your breasts. Feel them (have your eyes closed or open but if they are open make sure you're not focusing on anything)
7) Keep one hand on your breast and slowly move the other one down to your thigh. Move your hand up and down your thigh while massaging your breast.
8 ) With your breast hand, slowly take the lip gloss container or your object of choice. You clit might start to get a weird feeling like you really want to touch it. DON'T.
9) Tease yourself with the object by gently rubbing the spot between your poophole and girl thingy. This will drive you nuts. Slowly begin to touch and massage the part right above the hole. (I suggest you know where it is before you start all this.)
10) Rub for a while. Gently, occasionally harder but not too hard yet.
11) At this point you should be aching to rub harder and just get going. Again, don't. If you do not feel this yet, continue the teasing, very gently.
12) Slowly move your fingers to the hole, don't put them in, but just finger it softly.
13) Take your object and place it near the hole and your other hand. Take your free hand off the hole and start to massage your clit harder. (that's the spot above the hole)
14) Slowly stick the object in. Gently, it shouldn't feel good yet. It might hurt a small amount going in. That means you've bumped a sensitive spot. That's not a bad thing, just angle it a little and keep going.
15) Once it's in as far as it can be without losing it to your pussy, begin slowly moving it in and out a little. Don't take it all the way out, just a little. Get faster, and faster. Start massaging your clit HARD. Go nuts. You might feel like your on the brink of an orgasm. You might have one. This feels very good.
16) Then stick it in all the way and start pushing it back and forth hitting the sides of your hole. Faster, faster. Massage clit again.
17) Repeat steps 15 and 16 as much as you want. If you take it out for longer than 30 sec, I suggest you excite yourself again with the teasing. If you do, it will be worse. Since you have already done it, you're going to want it worse.
18) I would stop with the lip gloss for now, don't go on to something bigger. Save that for another night. You could be sore after this but you shouldn't be unless you used somthing large.
If you're a boy
1)Read above
2)Rub knob
-
how do you make a kid cry twice?
use his teddy to rub the blood off your cock. . . . . .
i'll get my coat :lipsrsealed:
-
how do you make a kid cry twice?
use his teddy to rub the blood off your cock. . . . . .
i'll get my coat :lipsrsealed:
that is wrong m8
-
whats the best thing about f**king twenty two year olds?
theres twenty of them
:sick:
-
how do you make a kid cry twice?
use his teddy to rub the blood off your cock. . . . . .
i'll get my coat :lipsrsealed:
that is wrong m8
yep it is. but the title of the thread warns that jokes "may offend" :grin:
-
A research professor has found that there are two sizes of thingy in the UK male: normal and then only 2" when erect. He has warned all the single UK women to avoid all men in cars flying white flags with red crosses if they don't want to be disappointed.
-
A research professor has found that there are two sizes of thingy in the UK male: normal and then only 2" when erect. He has warned all the single UK women to avoid all men in cars flying white flags with red crosses if they don't want to be disappointed.
:grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin:
:grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin:
Never a truer word said.
-
An Englisman and a Pakistani are having a drink..............
The Pakistani empty's his glass, throws it in the air, pulls out a gun and says............. "In my country we have so many glasses, we don't need to drink out of the same one twice".
Then the Englishman empty's his................. Pulls out a gun, shoots the Pakistani and says............... "and in my country we have so many Pakistanis............... we don't need to drink with the same one twice"
-
Duran Duran apparantly have just released a world cup song..................... "His name is Rio and he watches from the stand"
..................What a plank!!!!!.................... They are better off without him :smiley:
-
Have I posted the Alzheimers joke?
-
My girlfriend said she wanted something nine inches long, rock hard and full of spunk so I gave her the sock from under my bed.
-
A fat woman goes to the Doctors and asks " What's the easiest exercise I can do to help me lose weight?"
The Doctor replies " Shake your head from side to side".
She asks " How ofter should I do that?".
Doctor says " Every time you're offered food ya fat cnut".
-
Have I posted the Alzheimers joke?
Brilliant :grin:
-
How can you tell if your in a real tough lesbian bar?
even the pool table has no balls
-
sorry if this is a repost.
Peugeot :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
-
Not sure if I already did this......????
Husband walks into the bedroom and says to his wife " Do you want to play the Rape Game".............
wife .......... "NO!"
husband ......."There that's the spirit"
-
Apparently scientists have found female hormones in beer.
It's true: After 6 pints you talk sh!te and can't drive.
-
Now that Cheryl Cole has split up from Ashley, shes no longer a WAG.
Still, some things dont change, Ashley Cole is still a WOG
-
Sorry if they are reposts!
--------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen who.res than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
--------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your flaming plane!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing se.x, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".
------------ --------- --------oOo- ------------------ -
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She un.dresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- ---------
Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?
A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your ar.se
if you get a dodgy one!
-------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.
A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says "To he.ll with this!" and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"
------------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"
--------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London!"
-
Steven hawkings said that when he dies he will donate his body to scientific research, i cant help but think he'd get a better deal off webuyanycar.com
-
taxi forsale in cumbria 12 months mot 6 months tax ideal for shooting round town lol
-
What's the difference between a Paki and ET?
ET looked better, smelt better, learnt English, didn't claim benefits, had his own fcuking bike and wanted to go home!
:grin:
-
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:^^^^^^
-
I'd just come out of the chippy with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'I said 'I wish I had your f**king will power, mate'
-
Irelands worst air disaster struck today when a 2 seater plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far. Digging continues.
-
Martz - Stealing from Sickipedia i see!!! lol
-
ENGLAND!!!!!!! :angry:
-
ENGLAND!!!!!!! :angry:
:grin: :grin:
knew that was coming before i opend the thread :D haha
-
The USA may have ferked up our opening game at the world Cup. But at least we've ferked up their coastline. :cool:
-
2 white south africans and 1 black s.african were in jail one white said to the other what did you get he said 10yrs what did you do? rape 10 yrs for rape thats not bad what did you get 5yrs what did you do? robbing a bank oh thats not bad they asked the black african what he got life he said, they said what the hell did you do! riding a bike with no lights!
-
BP have announced that Rob Green will take over as their CEO on Monday.
A BP spokesman described Rob Green as 'an expert on spillages and experienced in helping Americans through tough times'.
-
A guy goes into a female toilet by accident. Realises this but can't be bothered to leave. Does his business and tries to wipe himself. There is no toilet paper but he sees 4 buttons. Strange, he thinks.
Button 1 HW
Button 2 HA
Button 3 PP
Button 4 ATR
Conused, he decides to press HW. 'Hot Water' lights up and lovely hot water ism sprayed onto his bottom. So he gets it nicely washed.
Looks for towels to dry himself, none visible. So he decides to press HA. 'Hot Air' lights up and his bottom is dried with lovely hot air.
Delighted, he feels things can only get better. So he presses PP. 'Powder Puff' lights up and he has his bottom powdered. Now he is totally fascinated. He can't wait to press ATR. This can only get better he feels.
So he presses ATR. He is hit by incredible pain and collapses.
The next thing he knows when he regains conciousness is he is in a hospital bed with a nurse leaning near him.
He asks her, 'What happened'?
She retorts, 'You pressed ATR, silly boy'.
'Yes, I know', he says. 'What is ATR'?
The nurse replies, 'It's 'Automatic Tampon Removal' and your dick's under your pillow'!
-
NHS Have done a survey on thingy size, they told every one with a thingy size of 3.4 Inches or less to put an England flag on their car
:grin: :grin:
-
Bloke walks into a brothel n says "I'm a bit kinky,how much for total humiliation?"
The madam replies "£37.50"
He replies "WOW,what do I get 4 that?"
Madam replies "A f**king England Top!"
-
The rainbow symbol has just been replaced by a red cross on a white background! :lipsrsealed:
-
i dont get that :(
-
i think rather than english pride its gay pride :huh:
-
i dont get that :(
i think rather than english pride its gay pride :huh:
It's saying that the international homosexual symbol is no longer the rainbow flag, but the English one...or at least that's what it sounds like to me?? lol
-
Got ya ;)
lol I like!!
-
I heard that OXO are doing a new range of cubes.
It's white, with a red cross on each side.
Called laughing stock!
-
David Blaine is said to be gutted as his record of doing f**k all in a box for 42 days has been broken by Wayne Rooney :grin:
-
This world cup turned out like WW2!
The french surendered early
The Italians ran off
USA arrive last minute
and we are left to fight the fooking Germans :grin:
-
and lost? so its actually nothing like ww2
-
Well I suppose that was a text I recieved before the game so maybe I shouldn't have posted it. hey ho it's only a joke anyway
-
I met a fairy today who granted me just one wish.
“I want to live forever.†I said.
“Sorryâ€, said the fairy,
“but I am not allowed to grant wishes like that.â€
Fine I said,
“I want to die when England win the World Cupâ€.
“You crafty b@stard!†said the fairy.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
-
This used to be stickied! :rolleyes:
-
Used to be. Had to use the search function to locate it as it was languishing in the archives. :undecided:
-
Well done that man! :wink:
-
what's the best part about sex with a five year old boy?
watching him break down on the witness stand.
i'm leaving now i promise :lipsrsealed:
-
old macdonald had tourettes, E-I CNUT SH1T WANK!
-
SCHOOL 1957 vs 2010
Scenario 1: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2010 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months.. School board hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programs
Scenario 2: Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Head Teacher. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2010 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested forADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.
Scenario 3: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957- Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
Scenario 4: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.
2010 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario 5: Ahmed fails high school English.
1957- Ahmed goes to evening classes, passes English and goes to college.
2010 - Ahmed's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. Class action lawsuit filed against state school system and Ahmed's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Ahmed given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario 6: Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from 5th of November, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up an ant's nest.
1957- Ants die.
2010- MI 5 & MI6 & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, MI5 investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario 7: Johnny falls while running during school holidays and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957- In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing..
2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
-
Used to be. Had to use the search function to locate it as it was languishing in the archives. :undecided:
Judging by the latest offerings perhaps it should have been left there.
-
SCHOOL 1957 vs 2010
Scenario 1: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2010 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months.. School board hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programs
Scenario 2: Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Head Teacher. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2010 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested forADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.
Scenario 3: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957- Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
Scenario 4: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.
2010 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario 5: Ahmed fails high school English.
1957- Ahmed goes to evening classes, passes English and goes to college.
2010 - Ahmed's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. Class action lawsuit filed against state school system and Ahmed's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Ahmed given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario 6: Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from 5th of November, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up an ant's nest.
1957- Ants die.
2010- MI 5 & MI6 & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, MI5 investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario 7: Johnny falls while running during school holidays and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957- In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing..
2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
Is that a joke or an article from the Mail
-
Either way a joke surely? :grin:
-
An Aid relief song has been made to help raise funds for the pakistani flood victums.
there calling it " Raindrops Keep Falling on Ahmed"
-
A lad pulls a 58 yr old women in a nightclub, she looks real good for her age
On the way home the lad thinks i bet her daughters fit
with that the women says " How would you like a sportsmans Double"
"Whats that" he says
"Its a mother and daughter threesome" she replies
"WOW yes please" he says
Just as they get through her front day, she turns the hall lights on and shouts upstairs
"Mum are you still awake"
:laugh:
-
A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER:$2
HAMBURGER:$2.50
CHEESEBURGER:$3
CHICKEN SANDWICH:$3.25
HAND JOB:$50
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun wrinkled golfers. She glides down the bar to the old golfer. "Yes" she enquires with a wide knowing smile "may I help you"?
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers "I was wondering young lady". "Are you the one who gives the handjobs"?
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "yes sir","I sure am".
The old golfer leans in closer and into her left ear and says softly "Well wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger". :cool:
-
Freddie Mercury died recently,
Not true really,
but he went to heaven
& God said to him
"You did a great job whilst on Earth Freddie,
so I'm going to give you a new life.
What would you like to be?",
Freddie replied,
"I'd like to be the England goalkeeper.
" God asked him why he chose that.
To which Freddie said
"Because I'll have 10 assholes in front of me,
50,000 pricks behind me,
&
I won't catch a thing!!!".
-
The England Soccer Team jokes are getting a bit old dont you guys think?
-
One continuous joke!
-
If you can't take a joke, you shouldn't support!!
-
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said... don't do it man ... you will never here the end of it!
-
Friend told me to watch Titanic, but take a box of tissues.
Dunno what she was on about, I couldn't knock one out for the whole 3hrs.
===============================
Just lost a pub quizz by one point.
Question was where do most women have curly hair?
Apparently the correct answer was Africa.
-
What's the difference between JLS and Futurama?
There's only one Bender in Futurama.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I was working late at the Carphone Warehouse last night when I received this text from my daughter:
'Dad,thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphone.
Whenyougethomepleasegivemeanalternative.'
And as I eagerly rushed home, I couldn't help but wonder...
What the hell does 'ternative' mean?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife gets really annoyed when I use the word 'C|_|NT'.
I suppose she's got a point, I really should make the effort to learn her mother's real name.
-
In 1872 the Welsh invented the condom using a sheeps bladder.
However in 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first
:grin: :grin: :grin:
-
Just lost a pub quizz by one point.
Question was where do most women have curly hair?
Apparently the correct answer was Africa.
Really lol'd at that one :lol:
-
what do you do if your girlfriend is smoking whilst having sex?
slow down and use lubricant.
-
What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?
Banned from the petting zoo. :lipsrsealed: :laugh:
-
Funny old world aint it.
There were a couple of thousand Pakis at Edgbaston today.............Praying for rain!
-
Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put on the wrong socks before I went for a walk.
-
Saw Pakistan on Google earth today. Kind of looked like a bowl of coco pops.
-
See the BNP have just donated 600 crocodiles to Pakistan flood appeal.
-
Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put on the wrong socks before I went for a walk.
Ew. LOL
-
What's the difference between JLS and Futurama?
There's only one Bender in Futurama.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I was working late at the Carphone Warehouse last night when I received this text from my daughter:
'Dad,thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphone.
Whenyougethomepleasegivemeanalternative.'
And as I eagerly rushed home, I couldn't help but wonder...
What the hell does 'ternative' mean?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife gets really annoyed when I use the word 'thingy'.
I suppose she's got a point, I really should make the effort to learn her mother's real name.
Horrible.
-
there is speculation that the pakistan floods are the work of a suicidal plumber.
breaking news, it's stopped raining in pakistan!
-
It is believed the Pakistan now looks like a big bowl of CocoPops from Space
-
It is believed the Pakistan now looks like a big bowl of CocoPops from Space
I beat you to it a few days ago. :tongue:
Saw Pakistan on Google earth today. Kind of looked like a bowl of coco pops.
-
It is believed the Pakistan now looks like a big bowl of CocoPops from Space
I beat you to it a few days ago. :tongue:
Saw Pakistan on Google earth today. Kind of looked like a bowl of coco pops.
Damn you :tongue:
-
Craig David will be the official mascot of the British Olympic 2012 Archery team. He's going to be their bow selector.
-
Craig David will be the official mascot of the British Olympic 2012 Archery team. He's going to be their bow selector.
Oh dear God :rolleyes:
-
Craig David will be the official mascot of the British Olympic 2012 Archery team. He's going to be their bow selector.
Oh dear God :rolleyes:
Thats what I thought! :lipsrsealed:
-
Jonathon Ross... Putting the "wog" into "Drogba"
-
Craig David will be the official mascot of the British Olympic 2012 Archery team. He's going to be their bow selector.
taken me about 2 hours to get that :rolleyes:
-
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.â€
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes†replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?â€
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?â€
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!†he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!â€
-------------------------------------------------
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks
-
Good joke that one!
Now I want a sherlock holmes hat
-
A dislexic football fan has just arrived home after 10 weeks in jail during the South Africa world cup. He was apparently arrested for blowing a zuluvulva!
-
What do you call a woman with 2 c|_|nts??
N-dubz
-
Good joke that one!
Now I want a sherlock holmes hat
http://www.molevalleyfarmers.com/mvf/store/products/deerstalker-hat?utm_source=Google&utm_medium=Google_Products&utm_campaign=Base
:lipsrsealed:
-
The reason there are so many stupid people about is because it is illegal to shoot them.
-
a woman went to the doctors telling him when she opened her legs a whistling came out he asked to demonstrate and sure enough it happened he was baffled he said he had a mate hed ring to get a second opinion he rang him up and told him of the womans problem he said put the phone between her legs and ill listen so the doc did this and it happened again on asking his mate what he thought it could be he said oh some c--t whistling
-
^.... get your coat!!
-
A couple of Chinese guys were selling watches on a stall in the market, so I asked my wife if she wanted one.
"I don't know," she said. "They look like they fell off the back of a lorry."
"I know," I said, "But their watches look pretty good."
It's funny how women change.
I never really noticed it until I set up my webcam in Topshop.
BBC News - British student dies two weeks after falling from a balcony in Majorca.
f**k, how high was that balcony!?
-
And one for good luck!
I pulled up next to a woman driver at the traffic lights today and shouted at her, "Hey. Don't you know how to use your f**king mirrors?"
"Yes, of course I do!" she snapped
I replied "Well try using one to put some make up on before you go out in public. You ugly b!tch!"
-
man went for a job on a building site scottish foreman said sorry we got no jobs but your a red indian aint you yes said the man not many of you left is there no said the man sorry we got no jobs said the scot he went to the next site irish foreman and asked if there were any jobs going no said paddy but your a red indian aint you yes said the man not many of you left is there no said the man moved on to next site big african foreman man asked any jobs no said african but your a red indian aint you yes said man not many of you left is there man said there wouldnt be many of you left if there was cowboys in africa
-
Gary Glitter is currently en toute to Chile. Apparently, the news of 33 trapped and helpless miners was just too tempting!!!!
-
Bloke goes up to a fat bird in a bar and says.
"f*cking hell, I'd give you one"
"f*ck off" she screams," I wouldn't screw you if you were the last bloke alive".
"woah, steady on" says the bloke " I was giving you marks out of ten ya fat c*nt"
My wife asked me where I'd like to be buried.
Apparently, up to my balls in her sister wasn't the right answer.
A girl in a bar said to me the other day,
"I wouldn't f*ck you if you were the last man alive",
so I leaned over and gently whispered,
"but who would be around to stop me?".
Wiped the smug grin off her face!
-
A woman goes to the doctors and tells him that she has 3 fannies, so the doc asks her to lay on the bed so he can have a look, and there it is 3 of them. the doc sits there thinking for a minute then says "ah, ive got just the thing for that"
When he comes back he puts a plaster over the left fanny and a a plaster over the right fanny and says " there you go all done."
The woman replies "am i cured?"
"No" says the doc "but it will stop you getting fu**ed left right and centre"
-
I just opened my wheelie bin and a wasp flew out.
What kind of sick f**k*r would throw a wasp in a bin?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I was on Dragon's Den but got chucked out.
Apparently asking Deborah Meaden to "f**k off and get me a sandwich while the men talk business" is unacceptable.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm not convinced that faith can move mountains, but I've seen what it can do to skyscrapers.
-
I feel sorry for the Mccann's, Maddie being the stig was their last hope.
-
ouch ^ :D
-
Why do Cadburys make white buttons?
So black kids can have messy faces too.
-
Somerset have beaten Pakistan by 5 wickets at Taunton next Thursday.
-
Apparently, Alex Ferguson had an 80's themed party for his players.
Giggs arrived in a Cavalier, Scholes in a Sierra and rooney chose to come in an Escort.
-
Q. Why did Mr and Mrs McCann cross the road?
A. That's where they abandoned the kids
Q. What's the difference between Pope John Paul II and Madeleine McCann?
A. The Pope died a virgin.
Q. What's the difference between Madeleine McCann and Madeleine McCann jokes?
A. Madeleine McCann jokes will get old.
Q. What's the difference between the McCanns and Gary Glitter?
A. Gary Glitter comes back from his holidays with more kids than he left with
A new car being launched in Portugal, with space in the boot for a child. It's called the Renault McCann.
There once was a young girl called Maddie
She had such an irresponsible daddy
Snatched from her bed
She's probably dead
Raped by a Portuguese baddy
-
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
That is just so wrong!
-
Keep 'em rolling :grin:
-
(http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y299/smithy_bmx/post-16-11899327871.gif)
-
Pakistani flood jokes .......................................................
1. Rumour has it that the floods in Pakistan were started by a suicide plumber
2. There's a new curry been brought out in aid of the Pakistani flood disaster victims. It's a chicken bury auntie, served with nan dead and poppa gone.
3. The BNP have donated 6000 crocodiles to the Pakistani flood appeal.
4. The Queen has sent a letter of condolence to the Pakistani president. She wanted to mention that Britain has plenty of spare pakis if they want some back.
5. I bet little Mohammed isn't having to walk 3 miles fetch water now! I think I'll ask for my £1 a month donation back.
6. What do you call a Pakistani flood survivor......................Mustafa dinghy.
7. A new film has been made about the floods in Pakistan. It's called ' Water sh!t drown'
8. What goes around comes around. Pakistanis have been flooding Britain for years.
9. From space, Pakistan looks like a giant bowl of coco pops.
9. There is a new diet sweeping Pakistan. It's called swim fast.
10. Charity single just released for the Pakistani flood disaster...........Rain drops keep falling on Ahmed
-
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
-
My girlfriend threw me out the house the other day after she caught me shagging her sister.
How petty is that, a grown woman jealous of a six year old.
-
My girlfriend threw me out the house the other day after she caught me shagging her sister.
How petty is that, a grown woman jealous of a six year old.
Jeez that is so wrong :grin:
-
a prostitute gets takeken to hospital with a burst appendix she asked the surgeon not to sow up the hole so she could have a bit on the side
-
Shagged a girl with a stutter last night. I was lucky. I just managed to finish before she said no :grin:
-
:grin:
-
woman went to pet shop bought 5 tins of dog food assistant asked what sort of dog she had its for my husband she replied the assistant said he will die if you keep feeding him that woman left same happened 3 weeks running fourth week she came back the assistant said 5 tins of dog food? no the woman said my husband is dead i told you that dog food would kill him it wasnt that said the woman he got shot for chasing sheep!
-
According to the HSBC, the rudest thing you can do in Thailand is show the soles of your feet. What nonsense...... On my last trip to Bangkok, I shat on a ladyboy's tits whilst his sister wanked me into their dad's hair
-
Just down loaded some copies of the Koran. I can burn you a copy if you like!
-
Just down loaded some copies of the Koran. I can burn you a copy if you like!
:rolleyes:
the new 3d tv is so realistic, was watching the Liverpool game last night. I nipped to the toilet, come back and my wallet had gone.
-
guy died and went to heaven after a while a saint asked him if he liked it there yes he said but its very misty i dont know where i am, watch this said the saint he put his hand through the clouds and said were above france how can you tell said guy i can feel the eifel tower said saint. they went a bit further saint put his hand down and said were above liverpool how do you know said guy some bas---d just knicked my watch!
-
What does George Michael have in common with the Chilean miners?
They'll both be out in 8 weeks after some serious drilling!
-
why shouldn't you have sex with a girl from chernobyl?
Because cherknobll fall off
-
my mate says he hates dodgem cars and coconut shy's which is a fair comment i suppose.
-
there were some free flowers on a bent lamppost today :smiley:
-
AUDLEY HARRISON. dont forget to sky plus your next fight so you can see how it ends!
-
woman went to a medium asked if she could contact her dead hubby, medium went into a trance and sure enough the hubby came through, is that you fred said woman yes said fred im in heaven, what do you do all day well said fred i get up have some breakfast have a swim then some sex then more swimming, well said the woman when you were alive you never ate breakfast you hated sex and you couldnt swim, yes said fred but i wasnt a duck then
-
While being interviewed by FHM, the Pope was asked what his favourite grooming products were. He paused briefly, thought about it for a bit and then replied:
"Well I think Haribo and M & M's seem to work best" :evil: :evil: :evil:
-
A twin-engine plane has one of its engines fail, altitude and air speed are rapidly decreasing ....
The pilot speaks over the intercom.
"I'm sorry it had to come to this folks, but unfortunately we're gonna have to jettison baggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne."
Baggage is thrown out, but the plane's speed continues to decrease.
Again the pilot gets on the intercom;
"I hate to have to do this, but now we're gonna have to start off-loading passengers. The only fair way to do it is alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter – Aâ€. "Africans, any Africans on board?"
No one answers....
"Ok then – Bâ€. "Black people, any black people?"
Again, silence
"C - Coloured people, any Coloured people on board?"
Silence.
A little boy in the back turns to his mother.
"But Mom, ain't we African?, ain't we Black? Ain't we Coloured?"
"Yes son, but for the purpose of this exercise we is Niggas.
Let dem Mexicans and Muslims go first."
-
After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough,
as they couldn't afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife
didn't want to have any more children..
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the
problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home,
get a large firecracker,
light it,
put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor,
"B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world,
but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to
my ear is going to help me with my problem."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his
legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in New Zealand, Tasmania and the Isle of Wight!
-
I was at my carpentry class when the teacher asked which file was best to widen a 10mm hole.
Apparently, a “paedophile†wasn’t the correct answer!
-
My bedroom is a bit like a newsagents.
No dogs allowed and only 2 school children at a time.
-
and you say i cross the line :rolleyes:
-
It does say in the tittle "may offend" :D
I've got worse.
-
My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, brought me one of these moods rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when i am in a good mood, it turns green, and when im in a bad mood, it leaves a big f**king red mark on her forehead!!
-
Not a joke but made me :grin:
Your forhead is so big, when you sleep you don't have dreams you have movies :grin:
-
Alan: "I've got worse."
Come on then...
I need something to keep me entertained at work.
-
Keep em coming I say, some of these jokes make me p*ss
-
Q.Whats blue and f**ks grandmothers?
A. Hyperthermia
Q. What's the definition of self-destruction?
A. An epeleptic leper.
-
It does say in the tittle "may offend" :D
I've got worse.
best i change my tag line then :grin:
-
A little girl is in court testifying against her uncle who had sexually abused her. The solicitor says "In your own words, tell us what happened". The little girl tearfully and in a quiet voice says "He came into my room and got into bed with me, he touched me here and kissed me. Then he kissed my neck and all the way down my chest, undoing my buttons of my nightie as he went. Then he kissed me here and . . . and then I cant remember what happened".
"Well just f**king make something up then!" shouted the judge whilst masturbating furiously.
-
Why I'm Divorced
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'
I thought....
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'
I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner..'
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
On the couch....
Naked
-
Met this gorgeous girl in the park today. Our eyes met and the sparks flew. The electricity between us was thick upon the air, contact was definitely made; her knees turned to jelly and she fell at my feet.
Aren't tazers fun???!!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
George Michael has just been put in charge of the Prison Pantomime. It's a version of the Wizard of Oz. It's called Swallow the Yellow Thick Load.
George Michael has settled well in prison. He's already written a song about his skinhead cellmate which will be his new single. It's called "Hairless Fister".
-
I feel sorry for the McCanns.
Maddie being The Stig was their last hope.
-
a big shout out for the partially deaf!
-
What did the bananana say to the vibrator??????????????????? I dont know why your shaking, shes about to eat me! :shocked: :rolleyes:
-
YES, I know its a repost, but..........
I am not sure about this advice but
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for the person who sent it to me and we all could use more calm in our lives.
By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.
========================================
A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning,
I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhardonay, a bodle of Baileys,
a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of botal Prozic and
Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclits.
Yu haf no idr hou fkin gud I feal.
Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pis
-
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO Chicago WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP,
AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO CHICAGO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT
THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY
SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO CHICAGO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND
TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN, WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,
AND SHE SAYS,
"OH, I'M SORRY."
AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO CHICAGO ".
:grin: :grin: :grin:
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My wife just rang to say Gavin from Autoglass has just been and injected his resin into her crack. I'm not normally suspicious, but I've got the car!!! :shocked:
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12 priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them all to stand in a line, totally nude, while a big-breasted model danced topless before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his private parts, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang while she danced in front of them would not be ordained, because they had not reached a true state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, but got no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests, until she got to the final one whose name was Carlos.
As she danced in front of him, his bell ring so loudly that it flew off clattering to the ground.
Embarrassed, Carlos took a step forward and bent over to pick it up.
Suddenly, all the other bells started to ring like crazy and all hell broke loose!
-
What did the epileptic say when he won the dance contest....
......I only got up to get a drink!
-
Cow, an Ant and an Asshole...
A Cow, an Ant and an Asshole are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
Cow: I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!
Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter,
I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!
Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something... :evil:
-
One of the Americans On his first visit to Newport, saw that it rained for three straight days. On the third day, he leaned out of his hotel window and asked a kid who was cycling past: 'Does it ever stop raining here?'. The kid replied...'How should I know? I'm only seven.'"
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What do you call a girl chav in a white tracksuit? The bride.
What does a chav use for protection? A bush shelter.
What do you call a chav girl with a runny nose? Full.
-
Extract from Tony's new book...
‘I had regularly started jogging out of Downing Street . On each run I happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.
With some apprehension I would brace myself as I approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
"Fifty quid!" she would shout from the kerb.
"No way, 50p!" I fired back..
This ritual between myself and the hooker continued for days.
I'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty quid!"
And I'd yell back "50p!"
One day however Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany me on my jog.
As we jogged nearer the problematic street corner, I realised the "pro" would bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what I'd really been doing on all my past outings.
I realised I’d need to have a damn good explanation for my illustrious lawyer wife.
As we jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, I became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker.
I tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair of us jog past.
Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled,
"See what you get for 50p?"
-
New on channel 4 Coming live and uninterrupted from Chile
33 contestants
4 months
1 cave
Dig Brother
-
Was asked to go and see my ex-girfriend today,
one thing led to another and we ended up having sex,
police wernt best pleased as i was only ment to be identifying the body!
-
2 blondes talking... one says to the other ''Ive just taken a preganancy test!'', the other replies ''were the questions hard?''
-
A truck driver is driving through a little town in Georgia wit a truck load of bowling balls. In this town there is 2 state troupers who hate truck drivers with a passion. The truck driver sees the two and turns off at the next exit. He sees a little black boy on a bike hitch hicking he picks up the little boy but tells him, "you cant ride up here but you can ride in the back. So he put's the little black boy and his bike in the back and get's back on the interstate. the two state cops see him again and pull him over they start giving him hell just looking for something to write him up for. They can't find anything so they are about to let him go then one says to the other, "We forgot to check the back." So one goes to the back opens the doors, slams them back comes up to the truck driver. The cop is whiter than a ghost and scared as hell, and says "Get the hell out of my town, get the hell out of my county, get the hell out of my state and don't ever come back." So the truck driver leaves. when they get back into the car one looks at the other and says "what the hell did you see back there?" the other says, "That guy was carring a truck load of black babys and one had already hatched and stolen a bike"
-
Sharki get your coat :grin:
-
X FACTOR FANS!
If your missing Gamu.
Don't worry !!
From next Wednesday you'll be able to sponsor her for £3 a month.
-
I've got two words for my old maths teacher.
You f**king idiot.
-
X FACTOR FANS!
If your missing Gamu.
Don't worry !!
From next Wednesday you'll be able to sponsor her for £3 a month.
i like it:) im robbing it,lol
-
11 up and counting. Fcuking hell i havent seen this many minors come out the ground since they dug up Fred Wests basement
-
11 up and counting. Fcuking hell i havent seen this many minors come out the ground since they dug up Fred Wests basement
ooooo this shunt be funny, but it is, ha ha ha ha
-
a big shout out for the partially deaf!
lmaooo
-
Pregnant jamaican woman in a coma. When she wakes up she asks where her bumps gone. Doctor tells her she's had twins, a boy and a girl. He also tells her that her brother had named them for her. "Oh my god" she says "he's really thick. What did he name them?"
Doctor replies "he's named the girl Denise."
She replies "Oh thats good I like the name Denise, what about the boy"
Doctor replies "Denephew!"
-
what do you get if you get a viagra pill stuck in your throat?
a stiff neck.
-
one of the chilean miners got home he asks his wife can we have sex yes of course, can we do it in the dark, of course she says, can i take you from behind. he asks yes she says can i call you pedro
-
Never seen so many minors come out of the ground since Fred Wests patio was dug up
-
(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_qlLcZnbaijo/THnmamC9QHI/AAAAAAAAGz4/6jyP5CwtZm4/s640/hold+f11.jpg)
-
I went round my mate's house yesterday and his kids were running round the house screaming.
He looked at me and said, "Don't ever have kids mate."
I said, "Hard work?"
He said, "No, you're an ugly cnut."
-
Dear Chilean Miners,
You f**king lightweights.....69 days? Try 24 years!
Yours Truly,
Elizabeth Fritzel
-
ouch ^^
-
english man scots man and irish man on a desert island find a bottle open it and out comes a genie you can each have one wish the english man wishes he was home with his family woosh and hes gone the scotsman wishes for the same woosh hes gone the irishman wished his mates were back with him
-
I finally realise why Madeleine McCann was never found.
The Americans were sent to rescue her
-
Rooney has said to the media he wants to quit his job.
DreamWorks hasn't yet released a statement...
-
A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a
new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small
knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and
could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the
effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman
wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob,
and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young
looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with
two problems.
'All these years, everything has been working just
fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and
I've always loved the results. But now I've
developed two annoying problems: First, I have these
terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid
of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those
aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in
asking about the goatee.'
-
Peter Andre just got a job in a Chilean coal mine. Apparently four years experience of humping slag and lifting a heavy spade did the trick!
-
Rooney has said to the media he wants to quit his job.
DreamWorks hasn't yet released a statement...
I don't get that one?
-
Rooney has said to the media he wants to quit his job.
DreamWorks hasn't yet released a statement...
I don't get that one?
Shrek....
-
Rooney has said to the media he wants to quit his job.
DreamWorks hasn't yet released a statement...
I don't get that one?
(http://files.sharenator.com/Cat_fail_Fail-s446x354-10288-580.jpg)
-
Rooney has said to the media he wants to quit his job.
DreamWorks hasn't yet released a statement...
I don't get that one?
(http://files.sharenator.com/Cat_fail_Fail-s446x354-10288-580.jpg)
Something to do with looking like Shrek I assume?
-
Peter Andre just got a job in a Chilean coal mine. Apparently four years experience of humping slag and lifting a heavy spade did the trick!
:grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin:
Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the
punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to
select his first punishment.
First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The
new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next
room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire.
The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an
really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a
gorgeous blonde.
The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.
The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder
and says “okay, you can stop now. You’ve been relievedâ€.
-
A woman stopped me in the street and asked why I was wearing sunglasses.
"I'm blind," I replied.
"Oh, I see," she said.
"f**k off, don't rub it in."
-------------------------
Who's in charge of a sperm bank?
A wank manager.
------------------------
Why did my wife cross the road?
To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three f**king hours ago.
-----------------------
Whoever said women can multitask is talking bollocks.....
I told my missus to sit down and shut the f**k up, she couldn't do either !
-
A woman has just looked through the window while I was having a w@nk. She walked upto it slowly and mouthed the words "GET THE F&CK OUT MY GARDEN!"
-
Why did Gary Glitter cross the road???
To get to the other slide. :lipsrsealed:
-
If I win the lottery, I'm going to buy every ticket for a JLS concert, and not turn up.
-
If I win the lottery, I'm going to buy every ticket for a JLS concert, and not turn up.
Anyone else not find this funny???
-
If I win the lottery, I'm going to buy every ticket for a JLS concert, and not turn up.
Anyone else not find this funny???
:grin:
i was going to post to say but the tumbleweed got in the way
-
If I win the lottery, I'm going to buy every ticket for a JLS concert, and not turn up.
Anyone else not find this funny???
It seems we have a JLS fan on the Forum. :grin: :grin:
-
If I win the lottery, I'm going to buy every ticket for a JLS concert, and not turn up.
Anyone else not find this funny???
nope, just you.
-
If I win the lottery, I'm going to buy every ticket for a JLS concert, and not turn up.
lmao
lovee it!!
-
I tittered!
-
Who are JLS? :huh:
-
Who are JLS? :huh:
They make condoms apparently: http://www.durex.com/en-GB/Products/Pages/Just-Love-Safe-The-JLS-Range-of-Condoms.aspx (http://www.durex.com/en-GB/Products/Pages/Just-Love-Safe-The-JLS-Range-of-Condoms.aspx)
-
Have no use for them either!
-
I like the way they have a dick on each condom, rather than a condom on a dick :grin:
-
(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_qlLcZnbaijo/THnmamC9QHI/AAAAAAAAGz4/6jyP5CwtZm4/s640/hold+f11.jpg)
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
-
I don't know if it's the resolution of my laptop or something but that haiti thing doesn't work. What are you supposed to see?
-
Ignore me. Just got it ! * * * S L O W * * *
-
don't worry if you suffer from ADD its very comm.......oooooh look a squirrel!!
-
This is yet to be confirmed by scientific evidence. However, if the rumours are correct women have a certain 'spot', and if you hit this spot at exactly the right pace and angle, it will turn her to jelly and you will be able to do anything you want to her.
It's called her f**king chin
-
What will Jade Goody be doing this Christmas?
Baby sitting for Lily Allen
-
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep;
if I die before I wake
will someone please delete my internet browser history.
-
What were the similarities between Micheal Jackson and a Playstation 2 ?
They both came in black or white , And got turned on by little kids.
-
What's warm & damp and no place for a baby?
Lily Allen's womb apparently... :lipsrsealed:
-
Whats hairy and got five fingers?....................................................................
A Thalidomides armpit.
-
What will Jade Goody be doing this Christmas?
Baby sitting for Lily Allen
Savage lol
-
Muslim terrorists have gone on a rampage in bradford killing any one who is English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as five.
-
My local council has introduced clear plastic bin bags.
They says it's so the pikeys can go window shopping.
-
Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?
He comes down the chimney and says "Hi kids! You want to buy some presents?"
-
I had a ball in Bradford, Trick or Treating on Halloween night, scaring the crap out of everyone who answered the door. I went out dressed up as an Immigration Officer!
-
Disability Cockney Rhyming Slang
1. Mutton Jeff........deaf
2. Canary Wharf.......dwarf
3. Cardinal Wolsey....cerebral palsy
4. Raspberry ripple...cripple
5. Rubber and plastic.spastic
6. Tulips and roses...multiple sclerosis
7. Bacon rind.........blind
8. Diet Pepsi.........epilepsy
9. Benny and the f**king thingying Jets.....Tourette’s
10. Birds and bees....amputees
-
The terrorists in India said put up your hands if you are British or American.
They also wanted the French but they already had their hands up
-
I see that India have just sent up their first rocket to the moon...
Just goes to show they really will deliver their takeaways anywhere!!
-
David cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week the forms will only be printed in english.
-
A policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a ford car.
He radios for backup
"What's the situation?"
A big fat black bloke is dancing on a car roof"
"Yo can say that over the radio" replies the operator,"you have to use the politically correct terminology"
"Ok "he says:
"Zulu ... Tango ... Sierra"
-
Do you reckon they called the saw films saw so that people would say:
"Did you see saw?"
"Yeah I saw Saw."
"Did you see Saw 2?"
"I saw Saw 2 too"
-
vicar has a mate over for tea he sees a parrot with a red ribbon on one leg and a blue ribbon on the other leg he asks what they are for the vic says if you pull the red one the bird will say the lords prayer if you pull the blue one he will sing stand up for jesus have a go while i make coffee so he does and the parrot does his stuff he then asks the vic what happens if he pulls the two together the parrot shouts ill fall off my perch you stupid cnut
-
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep;
if I die before I wake
will someone please delete my internet browser history.
lmaooo like it,robbing it
-
A play school kid told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do u know that the cat was dead?†she asked her pupil.“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,†answered the child innocently. “You did WHAT?! ?†the teacher exclaimed in surprise. “You know,†explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.â€
-
Do you reckon they called the saw films saw so that people would say:
"Did you see saw?"
"Yeah I saw Saw."
"Did you see Saw 2?"
"I saw Saw 2 too"
what about saw 3?
no i saw saw 4
what did you see saw 4 for befor 3for?
-
Went to a charity disco last week in aid of women born without legs, dance floor was crawling with f*nny. :lipsrsealed:
-
Female driving instructors.
The equivalent of Kate and Gerry McCann teaching child care!
-
Got thrown out of my local swimming pool the other day due to the unsightly bulge in my Speedos. When I complained, pointed to a guy wearing a similar pair and said
"What about him then? Why hasn't he been chucked out too?"
the manager said
"Because he hasn't sh!t himself"
-
Female driving instructors.
The equivalent of Kate and Gerry McCann teaching child care!
:grin:
-
A scientist has created a Bra that Stops tits from bouncing and Nipples from showing through.
His colleagues have beaten the crap out of him
-
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up…
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,’Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’ I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. “So what do you think about that Doc ?†The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. “I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.â€
One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.â€
“As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge. He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang’.†“Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ?†asked the doctor. The 86-year-old said ,
“Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.†The doctor replied , “My point exactly.â€
-
A scientist has created a Bra that Stops tits from bouncing and Nipples from showing through.
His colleagues have beaten the crap out of him
lol my hubby liked that
-
What's warm & damp and no place for a baby?
Lily Allen's womb apparently... :lipsrsealed:
Thats just f**king sick
-
Lilly allen has now lost two childeren
should've gone to specsavers :lipsrsealed: :sick:
-
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (in a Mk3, 10 mph over the 30mph
limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a copper with a radar
gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way
up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I
work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I
slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
:grin: lol
-
:grin: lol
Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
It is extremely annoying when i click this thread i the hope that there is a new joke.. only to find that you/your hubby find something funny.
It is meant to be funny its a joke thread. We get it. thanks
p.s. shouldnt it be MrsGTI :rolleyes:
-
:grin: lol
Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
It is extremely annoying when i click this thread i the hope that there is a new joke.. only to find that you/your hubby find something funny.
It is meant to be funny its a joke thread. We get it. thanks
p.s. shouldnt it be MrsGTI :rolleyes:
Ummmmm pot/kettle? :rolleyes:
-
Pardon me, I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my backside.
-
Now thats a good joke! :laugh:
-
ooooo Len, are u allowed to say that? R32uk might extremely annoying.
:evil:
-
Pardon me, I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my backside.
it got nothing to do with head up backside. Everyone else has managed to refrain from posting crap like "lol". Or do you think you are speshial because you are a girl and get extra attention?
I have a strong feeling its bacause you are thick. Please feel free to correct me :wink:
Now a joke to keep in line with the thread rule.. how do you make a sausage roll????
push it
-
a man invented an electric rocket to go to the moon he wouls have made it but he ran out flex
-
ooooo Len, are u allowed to say that? R32uk might extremely annoying.
:evil:
I can say anything I like! :grin:
Only Mods can clean up this thread so R32UK can go swivel! :grin:
-
ooooo Len, are u allowed to say that? R32uk might extremely annoying.
:evil:
I can say anything I like! :grin:
Only Mods can clean up this thread so R32UK can go swivel! :grin:
i will let Len off for posting here. the joke is in his signature pic :laugh: :wink:
-
Pardon me, I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my backside.
:grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin:
Nope. I did not post a joke either. I'm just expressing my appreciation for something that made me larf! :tongue:
-
Nope. I did not post a joke either. I'm just expressing my appreciation for something that made me larf! :tongue:
tune into sky sports 1 tonight and have yourself a laugh on me :laugh:
-
Now thats a good joke! :laugh:
yes... unfortunately its as old as you :laugh:
-
Brains aren't everything. In fact in your case they're nothing, if your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M
-
Brains aren't everything. In fact in your case they're nothing, if your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M
if my brain was chocolate??? you would be on your knees infront of me no doubt :kiss:
missGTI + mk3 =
(http://sidoxia.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/sinking-ship.jpg?w=455&h=340)
-
Jokes are funny.
Paddy says to Murphey
"My wifes just had twins"
Murphey replies "who do they look like?"
Paddy replies with "each other you thingy"
-
Brains aren't everything. In fact in your case they're nothing, if your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M
if my brain was chocolate??? you would be on your knees infront of me no doubt :kiss:
missGTI + mk3 =
(http://sidoxia.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/sinking-ship.jpg?w=455&h=340)
Your ridiculous little opinions have been noted.
-
Me and the wife have been playing "Call of Duty" tonight.
I've been phoning her up to check she's doing the washing, cooking and cleaning.
-------------------------------------------------------------
I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: "How did you know this was here?"
-------------------------------------------------------------
I made a really great sandwich today, cheese, ham, tomato, a crisp lettuce leaf, garnished with whole grain mustard and coleslaw, all wrapped lovingly in a fresh baguette. Anyway, I left the room, for a few minutes (due to a fairly troublesome sh!t) and when I came back in it was gone. I was completely beside myself. I checked the fridge, the microwave, desperately trying to think where I could have put it. I had a look in the oven even though I knew I couldn't have put it there. I went back to the bathroom, tears forming in my eyes (though I maintain that it was from the smell I left in there rather than my emotional trauma) to see if I might have taken it up with me. Next I rushed round my housemates' rooms trying to find a potential thief, or failing that, at least getting some help on my search.
After half an hour of looking I came to a stunning realisation... I could easily have made another sandwich in the time I had spent looking for it.
In a completely unrelated matter, I have some advice for Kate and Gerry McCan.
-
I made a really great sandwich today, cheese, ham, tomato, a crisp lettuce leaf, garnished with whole grain mustard and coleslaw, all wrapped lovingly in a fresh baguette. Anyway, I left the room, for a few minutes (due to a fairly troublesome sh!t) and when I came back in it was gone. I was completely beside myself. I checked the fridge, the microwave, desperately trying to think where I could have put it. I had a look in the oven even though I knew I couldn't have put it there. I went back to the bathroom, tears forming in my eyes (though I maintain that it was from the smell I left in there rather than my emotional trauma) to see if I might have taken it up with me. Next I rushed round my housemates' rooms trying to find a potential thief, or failing that, at least getting some help on my search.
After half an hour of looking I came to a stunning realisation... I could easily have made another sandwich in the time I had spent looking for it.
In a completely unrelated matter, I have some advice for Kate and Gerry McCan.
Owch :o
-
Your ridiculous little opinions have been noted.
pmt? :lipsrsealed:
-
What's warm & damp and no place for a baby?
Lily Allen's womb apparently... :lipsrsealed:
Thats just f**king sick
Chat - off topic; Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
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Your ridiculous little opinions have been noted.
pmt? :lipsrsealed:
No not PMT,im 33 weeks pregnant and have turned into a b!tch for the last 7 months lol :evil:
Hence the reason i dot find the lilly allen joke all that funny either
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Your ridiculous little opinions have been noted.
pmt? :lipsrsealed:
No not PMT,im 33 weeks pregnant and have turned into a b!tch for the last 7 months lol :evil:
Hence the reason i dot find the lilly allen joke all that funny either
Prob not a good idea to be searching through a thread that states 'may offend' and then complain that you don't agree with a joke
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Can youse STFU or post a joke.
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A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong sweetheart. I love you too.'
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Xbox live... the only way nerds get invited to parties.
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Why did the EDL supporter leave home
His mom got a tan
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Can we have a moment of silence for the victims of 9/11.
Yes all the girls tht lost their boyfriends to C.O.D on the 9th of Nov.
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I tried to flash an oncoming driver to warn her of a cop.... but I think it was too dark for her to see inside my trench coat!.
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A 3-year -old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. "Mum, he asked, are these my brains?"
"Not yet" she replied....
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Why are men like cars?
Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming
:shocked: :shocked:
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guy goes to the doctor says when he has a crap it comes out the shape of chips the doc asks him to go behind the curtain and crap in a bowl so he could see sure enough the crap looks like chips the doc says lean over my desk and get your trousers down the doc shouts nurse get me a big scissors the man asks what hes going to do doc says cut your string vest its to long
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A man was in the doctors waiting room, he saw a little girl playing with her barbie and ken dolls imitating the doggy position. The man bent down and told her "You'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that".
She replied "I dont think so d1ckhead he's fcuking her up the @rse"
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guy goes to the doctor says when he has a crap it comes out the shape of chips the doc asks him to go behind the curtain and crap in a bowl so he could see sure enough the crap looks like chips the doc says lean over my desk and get your trousers down the doc shouts nurse get me a big scissors the man asks what hes going to do doc says cut your string vest its to long
:sick: :sick: :sick:
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Why did my wife cross the road?
To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three fcuking hours ago.
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Why does Lily Allen vote Conservative?
Because she's never been in labour.
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Why did my wife cross the road?
To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three fcuking hours ago.
why did the women cross the road?
because they are incapable of driving in a straight line!
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why did the woman cross the road
who cares, what was she doing out of the kitchen
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Why are women no good at skiing?
'cos there's no snow between the bedroom and the kitchen....
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Mohammed heard one of his wives was leaving him, so he rushed home where he found her on the carpet in front of the tent with her belongings; he sat beside her and said, “I heard you were planning to leave me?â€
She replied, “Yes, I heard your other wives saying you were a pedophile!â€
Mohammed thinks for a minute or so and then responds, “that's a mighty big word for a 6 year old."
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A Pakistani Ambassador to the UN just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he met President Obama. They shook hands and walked together in the long veranda when suddenly the Pakistani said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
President Obama says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do."
The Pakistani whispers, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, Chinese, Japanese and Indians but never any Pakistani, Afghani or Arabs. So my son is very upset. He doesn't understand nor do I about why there aren't any Arabs, Pakistanis, and Afghanis in the Star Trek show."
President Obama laughs and leans toward the Pakistani, and whispers in his ear, "Because... the show is all about the future."
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So the Taliban have attacked a lot of British.
And the Americans have attacked a lot of British.
But who's better? There's only one way to find out! FIGHT!!!!
Oh wait...
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Greece - 'The oldest known civilisation of paedophiles.'
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Why did my wife cross the road?
To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three fcuking hours ago.
Why does Lily Allen vote Conservative?
Because she's never been in labour.
Why did my wife cross the road?
To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three fcuking hours ago.
why did the women cross the road?
because they are incapable of driving in a straight line!
why did the woman cross the road
who cares, what was she doing out of the kitchen
Why are women no good at skiing?
'cos there's no snow between the bedroom and the kitchen....
Mohammed heard one of his wives was leaving him, so he rushed home where he found her on the carpet in front of the tent with her belongings; he sat beside her and said, “I heard you were planning to leave me?â€
She replied, “Yes, I heard your other wives saying you were a pedophile!â€
Mohammed thinks for a minute or so and then responds, “that's a mighty big word for a 6 year old."
Miss GTI is gonna love you lot!! :lipsrsealed:
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lol i was having a bad day.
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork?
Kermit the frogs finger :sick:
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How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Trick question, feminists can't change anything!
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead just bought a car. Which one drives it first?
None, they're all in the kitchen.
Whats does your wife and a condom have in common?
They both spend 99% of their time in your wallet
Why did God make woman last?
He didn't want someone telling him what to do.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
:shocked: :lipsrsealed: :lipsrsealed: :lipsrsealed: :grin:
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How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
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I wanted to put an England flag in my garden but wasn't sure if it would offend Muslims. So I wrote "Allah is a twit" on it just to make sure.
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all this bad mouthing women, 90% of them have the smart genes inside of them!
the other 10% spat it out! :laugh:
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whats the definition of a womans legs they go from her feet to har arse trying to make a cnut out of each other
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What is the definition of Confidence?
When your wife catches you in bed with another woman & you slap her on
the Ass & say, "You're next!"
What 3 words do you dread most while making love?
"Honey, I'm home."
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What 3 words do you dread most while making love?
"Honey, I'm home."
"Son, I'm pregnant."
Sickened for you. :evil:
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A man goes to the doctor complaining of an intense sore stomach ache.
The doctor tells him he has a very serious condition and prescribes a suppository, which must be inserted as deep as possible.
The doctor warns him that it will be painful and asks him to bend over before pushing the suppository deep up the man’s anus. He prescribes a second dose of the drug to be taken six hours later.
At home the man tries to insert the second suppository but he struggles to reach the required depth.
He calls for his wife for help.
She puts one hand on his shoulder to stabilise him and pushes the suppository in with her other hand.
Suddenly the man shouts out "B@STARD!"
"Sorry, did I hurt you?" asks his wife.
"No" replies the man,
"but I've just realised that when the doctor put the first one in,
BOTH his hands were on my shoulders!"
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I think all these people making jokes about Lily Allen are out of order...
Its not fair and I think your really mean....
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I think all these people making jokes about Lily Allen are out of order...
Its not fair and I think your really mean....
:grin: :grin:
best one i have heard in ages!! here is another just for you missGT-eyeeeeeeeeee
I remember reading about Lily Allen's criticizing remarks regarding young mothers.
I find it a bit rich that she can freely degrade these women, considering she can't even keep her own children alive.
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Lily Allen is not a good joke.
Good jokes have successful deliveries.
________________________________________________________
I heard Lily Allen lost her baby today.
Probably in Portugal.
_________________________________________________________
I bet Lilly Allen's regretting calling her debut album "Alright, Still".
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I witnessed a fcuking cyclist jumping the traffic lights earlier.
He must have cleared them by about 5 feet, with help from my bumper and the kerb!!
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man goes to a prostitutes parlour asks the madam if she has a woman with wrinkled tights, curlers in her hair, bad breath and a fag in her mouth the madam said are you kinky no he said im homesick
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Guy says to his wife, “Alright you sexy thing, upstairs, now!â€
The wife looks at him with a smile and says “Ohhhh, you horny bastard you!â€
Guy reples “No seriously, the football is starting… f**k off upstairs!â€
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Guy says to his wife, “Alright you sexy thing, upstairs, now!â€
The wife looks at him with a smile and says “Ohhhh, you horny fatherless son you!â€
Guy reples “No seriously, the football is starting… f**k off upstairs!â€
I think Guy is a nice bloke, very good at cleaning cars aswell :grin:
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Guy says to his wife, “Alright you sexy thing, upstairs, now!â€
The wife looks at him with a smile and says “Ohhhh, you horny fatherless son you!â€
Guy reples “No seriously, the football is starting… f**k off upstairs!â€
I think Guy is a nice bloke, very good at cleaning cars aswell :grin:
huh??? :huh:
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Guy says to his wife, “Alright you sexy thing, upstairs, now!â€
The wife looks at him with a smile and says “Ohhhh, you horny fatherless son you!â€
Guy reples “No seriously, the football is starting… f**k off upstairs!â€
I think Guy is a nice bloke, very good at cleaning cars aswell :grin:
huh??? :huh:
:rolleyes:
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Guy says to his wife, “Alright you sexy thing, upstairs, now!â€
The wife looks at him with a smile and says “Ohhhh, you horny fatherless son you!â€
Guy reples “No seriously, the football is starting… f**k off upstairs!â€
I think Guy is a nice bloke, very good at cleaning cars aswell :grin:
huh??? :huh:
Guy (http://www.golfgtiforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=17957)
Good joke, made me LOL :grin:
*Sorry for the SPAM*
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Husband says to his wife “Do you fancy playing the rape game?†Wife says, “No.†Husband replies “That’s the spirit!â€
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Kate Middleton
The first person to squeeze into Diana's ring since Dodi Al Fayed
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guy jumps from a plane tries to open his chute hes pulling and tugging to no avail suddenly sees a guy comin up he shouts do you know anything about parachutes the guy coming up shouts do you know anything about gas cookers!
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Kate Middleton
The first person to squeeze into Diana's ring since Dodi Al Fayed The French Pathologist.
corrected for you. :evil:
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My mate says i relate everything to playing cards, what a joker
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My mate says i relate everything to playing cards, what a joker
Yeah, he sounds like a right card.
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Guy says to his wife, “Alright you sexy thing, upstairs, now!â€
The wife looks at him with a smile and says “Ohhhh, you horny fatherless son you!â€
Guy reples “No seriously, the football is starting… f**k off upstairs!â€
I think Guy is a nice bloke, very good at cleaning cars aswell :grin:
huh??? :huh:
Guy (http://www.golfgtiforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=17957)
Good joke, made me LOL :grin:
*Sorry for the SPAM*
:grin:
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Kate Middleton goes to see the Queen and says "Whenever I suck William's c0ck I get terrible acid indigestion"
The Queen replies "Have you tried Andrew's?"
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My mate says i relate everything to playing cards, what a joker
Yeah, he sounds like a right card.
Join the club!
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LOL
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a man is driving down a country road when his car breaks down he looks under the bonnet but knows nothing about cars next thing a horse puts his head over the hedge and says its you plugs mate he has look and sure enough the the gaps are closed he drives away and stops at the first pub he asks for a double whiskey the barman says you look like youve had a shock so he told him what happened the barman asks if it was a brown horse yes said the man the barman said good job it wasnt the white horse why asks the man the barman said he knows nothing about cars
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Kate Middleton, the first person to squeeze into Diana's ring since Dodi Al Fayed.
:lipsrsealed: :lipsrsealed: :lipsrsealed:
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Kate Middleton, the first person to squeeze into Diana's ring since Dodi Al Fayed.
:lipsrsealed: :lipsrsealed: :lipsrsealed:
oops sorry didnt notice it had already been posted. :sad: my bad
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keep up missy. Starting to show signs of Alzheimers
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My mate says i relate everything to playing cards, what a joker
Yeah, he sounds like a right card.
Join the club!
That's ace
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the mrs was watching a cookery program the other day
i said what are you watching that for ,yon cant cook
she said you watch porn......
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My lesbian neighbours bought me a rolex, it's really nice but they obviously misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch"
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My mate says i relate everything to playing cards, what a joker
Yeah, he sounds like a right card.
Join the club!
That's ace
Diamond geezer!
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My mate says i relate everything to playing cards, what a joker
Yeah, he sounds like a right card.
Join the club!
That's ace
Diamond geezer!
Folks, this is supposed to be a joke thread so please....pack it in!
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My mate says i relate everything to playing cards, what a joker
Yeah, he sounds like a right card.
Join the club!
That's ace
Diamond geezer!
Folks, this is supposed to be a joke thread so please....pack it in!
Big deal!
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Have a heart!
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he'll DECK you if you carry on
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he's not a fighting man, it wouldn't suit him
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Oops! I just trumped. :grin:
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he's not a fighting man, it wouldn't suit him
Guess he got DEALT a bad hand
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He's the leader of the pack.
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Jack it in guys... stop being a bunch of Queens...
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Stop fcuking about!
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I'll just stay here and stick it out. No need to get your knickers in a twist. After all, it's not like we live in the same house. Anyway, of out now for a run.
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Snap!! So am I. :smiley:
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Think we're getting a bit flushed with card jokes now... :evil:
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yeah think we need to put them in the toilet with my crap (thats a card game right?) and flush the chain
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whoever started with the card jokes needs to jump off a pontoon
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Dont you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick your cig out the window, and you drive for a couple more miles, and you smell something funny, and you look over into the back seat, and sure enough............ Grandma's fingering herself again!
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Dont you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick your cig out the window, and you drive for a couple more miles, and you smell something funny, and you look over into the back seat, and sure enough............ Grandma's fingering herself again!
AHAHAH
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What do you call a dog with no legs......
Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
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When to a gay funeral, they opened the coffin at the viewing. Didn't know the place the body face down.
Turns out the coffin had no use as he was gonna get cream-mated.
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can't wait for the Bernard Matthews jokes... they're gonna be bootiful!
http://www.sickipedia.org/search?q=Bernard%20Matthews (http://www.sickipedia.org/search?q=Bernard%20Matthews)
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oops... started already...
Bernard Matthews cremation is next week... Gas Mark 6 for 3 hours
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Rumour has it that James Blunt will perform at Bernard Matthews funeral.
Details are currently unclear about which song he'll sing....
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INSOMNIACS - Look on the bright side, only 3 more sleeps until Christmas :laugh:
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A policeman in the UK spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car.
He radios for backup.
"What's the situation?"
"A big fat black bloke is dancing on a car roof."
"You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator, "You have to use
The politically correct terminology"
"OK" he says.
"Zulu...Tango....Sierra."
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What do fat birds and mopeds have in common?
They're both a great ride until your mates see you on one.
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What do fat birds and mopeds have in common?
They're both a great ride until your mates see you on one.
I own this T-shirt
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A Hippie sits next to a nun on the bus and asks her if he could have sex with her,
She said "NO! I am married to god!!" and gets off the bus disgusted.
The bus driver said "She prays every Tuesday night at midnight in the grave yard, why dont you dress up in a hooded robe go to the grave yard tell her you are God and demand sex?"
The hippie tries this and to his surprise the nun said "Yes, but only if we have anal sex as I want to keep my virginity".
They have passionate bum sex and when they are done the hippie throws off his robe and cries "Ha ha" I'm the hippie!
The nun cries out "ha ha" I'm the bus driver!
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I'm sure most of you guys are aware of the passion gap trend in Cape Town particularly in the Cape Flats region. People have up this sh*t at work..
(http://i413.photobucket.com/albums/pp218/880531/teeth.jpg)
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what do you call a russian billiard player inoff the red. indian cloakroom attendant mahatma coat.
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What do you call a Russian with 3 testicals?
Hood Dunicabllocov
What do you call a Chinese man with 1 testical?
Wha Wen Wong
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After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'YUP, it is' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You ASSHOLE! It's THREE-FIFTEEN in the MORNING!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Snow eh? The weather girl just said that she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself "She'll be fcuking lucky with a face like that!"
Since it started snowing all my wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse I may have to let her in...
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When I was a child I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come. Then, of course, there was that awkward silence as he dressed and left.......
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What do you call a woman with two cnuts?
N-Dubz
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What do you call a woman with two cnuts?
N-Dubz
:grin:
Oh wait, Spam, I need a joke.
Well, I am one. :cool:
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Failed my Politics exam. The question was "Describe the role that India plays in the modern world".
Apparently "Tech Support" is not the correct answer.
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The wife just gave me a massive bollocking for throwing a snowball at our son.
To top it off, I've been banned from the maternity ward.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
My mate said, "f**king hell, I was so drunk last night".
I said, "Not as drunk as me"
He said, "Course I was, did you see that girl I went home with? She was a f**king minger"
I said, "That's nothing. Did you see the girl I went home with?"
He said, "Didn't your wife pick you up?"
I said, "Yep"
He said, "Fair point".
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
FIFA blames Panorama for 2018 World Cup bid failure.
FIFA says: "England crossed the line."
Ohhh, you f**king noticed that one this time did you?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Now that doesn't look like a foot"
Thought the sock.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
BBC News: Earliest Snowfall in 17 years.
And there was me thinking January was before November.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
When traveling in extreme wether conditions the govenment have advised everyone to take with them, a bottle of water, some energy bars, a shovel, a hazard light and a blanket.
I looked a right twit on the bus this morning
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Yes, because that is going to make the guys and gals in there so much more receptive to talking to the wider forum.
f**king imbecile.
Thought I would come down to your level
:grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin:
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i was walking down the street yesterday and someone drove past and threw a block of cheddar cheese at me
i thought.......that's mature
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i was walking down the street yesterday and someone drove past and threw a block of cheddar cheese at me
i thought.......that's mature
walking down the road and someone threw a pint of milk, i thought, how dare he
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i was walking down the street yesterday and someone drove past and threw a block of cheddar cheese at me
i thought.......that's mature
walking down the road and someone threw a pint of milk, i thought, how dare he
had to read that twice and have a think :rolleyes:
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Jordan goes in to a bentley dealer and specs up a new car for use with her son Harvey
Just before leaving the salesman comes over to her and asks........
and what flavour would you like your windows?
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Found it:
'Jordan and Peter Andre are still fighting each other over custody of Harvey - eventually one of them will lose and have to keep him.'
'I have a theory about the reason Jordan married a cage fighter - she needed a man strong enough to stop Harvey from f**king her...'
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I keep getting notifications to say there is a new post in here but ther's not?
Anyone else having this problem with this thread?
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I keep getting notifications to say there is a new post in here but ther's not?
Anyone else having this problem with this thread?
try not to spam too much!!
Keeps it tidy-ish. :smiley:
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I wonder if Volkswagen dealers ever had a problem with the Volkswagen Fox chasing the Volkswagen Rabbit?
I'll get me coat.
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What's the most sensitive part of your body when you're having a wank?
Your ears.
Nurse: Don't worry, it is perfectly normal to get an erection during this procedure.
Patient: But I don't have an erection.
Nurse: I do.
This Christmas I'm going to celebrate the way the proper Christians do,
By bullsh!tting old women's life savings out of them and f**king young boys...
The gorgeous woman from next door popped round today and said,"Hello handsome, are you free tonight?"
I said, "Er... wow... yes, yes I am."
She said, "Brilliant, can you watch my daughter while I go out?"
Ah well, when one door closes, another one opens.
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male and female cops walking down the road with a police dog female says im freezing i forgot my knickers the male cop says let the dog sniff your fanny then he will go back to the station and get your knickers so she does the dog comes back an hour later with 2 truncheons a constable and a sargeant
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A doggy is not just for Christmas.
It's a great position any time of the year!!
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You wont hear from me for a while folks.
Being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables.......
I gotta lilo
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my girlfriend is in a mood with me, aparently im always pushing her around and talking behind her back, its not my fault shes in a wheelchair
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A Jehovahâs Witness knocked on my door last night.
I asked him in, sat him down and said, "right, what do you want to talk about?"
"f**k knows" he said, "I've never got this far before!"
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Brought a Christmas tree the other day. The lad who loaded it into my car askes "Are you going to put it up yourself?"
"No" I replied, "im going to put it in the front room you dirty little fcuk"
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2 irish guys in a pub see a man selling a salmon to the bar man for £50 one says to his mate lets ask how he caught it we can do it and make some money. the guy says his mate dangles him over a bridge by his legs and when the salmon passess i tickle it and call my mate to pull me up. right says the irish man we will have a go so of they trot to the bridge one lowers the other over the bridge telling him to shout when he has the salmon soon the guy is shouting pull me up pull me up the guy says have you got on no he says theres a f---ing train coming
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What's two inches long and goes in one direction?
Louis Walsh's c0ck :wink:
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Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque..
They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it
inside.
==========
During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a
falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said, "We didn't even know
they were living up there".
==========
Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough
television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5
times a week now.
==========
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a
fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
==========
A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..
He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet
Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.
"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a
ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the
ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room
where he meets
another bearded man.
He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder
and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another
man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."
Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever
higher.
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard
and repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath
from all his climbing.
"No my son...I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yes, please, my Lord."
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
"Hey Mohammed, two coffees!!!"
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Terrorism is killing this world....I remember the good old days when you'd find an unattended bag on a bus and think, 'I'm f**king having that!' :P
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What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark ?
Frost bite !
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A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is
allowed on the plane ?
The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency Officer
and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. "His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work." said the Agent.
The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the Agent says "Watch this." He tells Smithy to 'search'.
Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, finally sits very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds
Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the Agent's arm.
The Agent says, "Good boy" and he turns to the man and says:
"That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her
seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"That's pretty clever" replies the first man.
Once again the Agent sends Smithy to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds,
returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the Agent's
arm.
The Agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making
note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" says his seat mate.
The Agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.
Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a
moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to sh!t all over the place.
The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can't figure
out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this,
so he asks the agent "What's going on?"
The Agent nervously replies,
"He just found a bomb !"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
I think this girl at work has a thing for me.
A restraining order.
A horse walks into a bar.
The mute barman just stares at him.
-
1. Stick pizza in oven, gas mark 6 for 25 minutes.
2. Strangle girlfriend.
3. Dump body.
4. Back just in time to collect pizza from oven, and hop back in the car.
5. Drive to parents for weekend, eating pizza on the way.
6. Blame delay on bad weather.
7. Return home and report girlfriend missing, knowing you have a perfect alibi. :lipsrsealed: :lipsrsealed: :lipsrsealed: :shocked:
-
For Christmas I decided to give my girlfriend a ring.
Couldn't get through, so I left a voicemail.
-
For Christmas I decided to give my girlfriend a ring.
Couldn't get through, so I left a voicemail.
Talisa?
Why didn't you just post on her wall?
-
Whats the difference between Peanut Butter and Jam?
You cant Peanut Butter your c0ck up your birds ar$e
-
One day a monkey is walking through the jungle when he comes across a hyena all black and blue.
"What's happened to you ?" asks the monkey.
"well," says the hyena, "I have to walk this route every day, and for some reason the lion is waiting for me, and every day he jumps out and beats me senseless."
"I'll tell you what," replies the monkey,"tomorrow I will walk with you and when the lion jumps you, there will be two of us and we will give him a good kicking !!"
So tomorrow comes and the hyena and the monkey are walking through the jungle, when all of a sudden out pounces the lion from behind a tree and starts kicking two barrels of s***te out the hyena ,and the monkey shoots straight up the nearest tree..
After about 10 minutes the lion retreats leaving the poor hyena kicked to fook on the ground.
"What happened ? where were you, I thought you was going to help me ???" asks the battered hyena.
"I was," explains the monkey," but you was laughing that much I thought you was winning !!!!!"
-
A bloke is in the Super Market queue when he notices a rather dishy blonde across from him raise her hand and smile hello.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says
"Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one
of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time that he has been unfaithful.
"Christ!" he says "are you that stripper on my stag night, that I s*****d
on the pool table in front of all my mates, whilst your mate whipped me
with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my a**e?"
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"
-
A young punk rocker with a multi coloured mohawk is standing at a bus stop beside a middle aged business man.
The business man cannot stop looking at the punks hair until the punk turns to him and says "Didn't you do anything crazy when you were young?"
The business man replies, "Yes, I once f*cked a parrot and was trying to figure out if you were my son".
-
Why did a woman cross the road?
I set up my scalextric in the kitchen
-
Why did luke cross the road?
Because like a good stalker he kept his distance so Talisa wouldn't suspect a thing..
:grin:
-
Why did luke cross the road?
Because like a good stalker he kept his distance so Talisa wouldn't suspect a thing..
:grin:
:grin: :grin:
-
The detective in the Joanna Yeates murder case is saying that the murderer stole one of her socks.
Am I the only person thinking "Heather Mills"?? :evil:
-
God thought that since he can't be everywhere, he created a mother.The devil thought that since he can't be everywhere, he created a mother-in-law.
-
What do you call an Australian who's good with a bat?
A vet.
-
Kate and Gerry have just found out that she is 2 months pregnant.
They've already decided to give it up for abduction.
-
Just saw a Facebook group: "Hi, I'm a bra. I touch your girlfriend's boobs every day... Jealous yet? ;D"
Joke's on them, my girlfriend doesn't need a bra yet.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've just renamed my WiFi network to "Police Surveillance Van #02".
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I finally got my own back for Christmas shopping: I took my girlfriend into eight different pubs without getting a drink and then went back into the first one and bought a pint.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've just upgraded to Sky HD.
I'm impressed.
The phrase 'No satellite signal is being received' has never been so colourful and clear.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I made a house out of black ice today
I'm going to call it a niglu
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I remember my teacher telling me that looking out of the window wouldn't get me anywhere.
Did I have a smug look on my face later on in life when I handed him his burger and fries at the drive through.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked, "How would you like your steak, sir?"
"The same way I like my sex," I replied.
He smiled and said, "So, rare?"
thingy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I always find a good wank is spoilt when I am watching a woman masturbate on Pornhub and then a man arrives with his cock out and joins in.
"f**k off, Dad, and watch your own porn!" I said.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
News: Men masturbate on average once a day.
Ah good, so I wasn't the only one to lie on the survey.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
As a Christian I was deeply offended by tonight's Top Gear where it was suggested that the the new 'Stig' was born in Israel.
The Stig is a fictional character dressed in white, whose entire history is nothing more than a load of ridiculous, made up stories and no one has ever actually seen him.
Whereas Jesus...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I met this girl in a night club last night and, as she was leading me away, she said, "I have something to show you, my knickers match my socks."
She wasn't wearing any socks. Stupid b!tch.
Added/Edit:
I bought Bonnie Tyler's car last year on ebay.
It's f**king awful, every now and then it falls apart.
-
^^^ Mate all of those are soo good - Nice one :)
-
The price of fuel is getting rediculous now. On the plus side, putting a tenners petrol in takes a hell of a lot less longer.
-
Kate Middleton asked the Queen advice on a long life and a happy marriage. Her Majesty replied, 'Wear a seat belt and don't piss me off!'
-
So Jordan and Alex have split up...... The only one who didnt see it coming was Harvey!
-
In the sleepy village of Erbum near the town of Tillet in Hertfordshire, lives a woman called Linda Lykes. She is the land-lady of the local pub, The Cockwell Inn. For some unknown reason, she gets embarrassed whenever she receives her post:
Linda Lykes
The Cockwell Inn
Erbum
Tillet
Herts
-
i'm going to buy steven hawking the most ironic present ever.
a walkie-talkie.
-
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.The librarian says; "Fcuk off, you won't bring it back."
My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood. We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fcuking red mark on her forehead.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine...I turned a whole student loan into Vodka once. Your move Jesus...
I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."Unbelievable what some people are into.
A girl in a bar said to me, "I wouldn't fcuk you if you were the last person alive."Leaning over and whispering, I replied, "But who would be around to stop me?"Wiped the smug look off her face.
I don't understand why women want to be equal when they could be better. That shows a lack of ambition to me. Which is why men are better.
Lady in labour, shouting the usual sh!t, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fcuker!"He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, 'fcuk off it'll be too painful.'"
What do America's 300,000 battered women have in common?They just wouldn't fcuking listen.
The homeless problem would be solved if the Big Issue had tits in it.
-
I was on the train this morning whena beautiful Thai woman got on and sat opposite me, crossing and uncrossing her legs.
I kept thinking "Don't get an erection! Don't get an erection!"
But she did. :sick:
THIS ONE JAY! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
-
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: bacon, eggs, sausage & tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup.
'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the five quid for?'
'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'.
'I asked him what I should give you'.
He said, 'F*** him. Give him a fiver.'
She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'
-
I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai girl. I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."But she did.
-
I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai girl. I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."But she did.
Check two posts up fella :grin:
-
I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai girl. I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."But she did.
Check two posts up fella :grin:
Meh, just seen it on FB status, I don't check this thread often (or at all).
-
"My girlfriend split up with me yesterday, she said I'm too kinky for her in bed. I almost choked on her sh*t when she told me!"
:grin: :grin: :grin:
-
Who are the easiest people to get on with at a hospital?
The ultra-sound people.
Did you know that, if you put your ear next to your wife's arsehole, you can hear her say, "What the f**k are you doing?"
-
A woman walks up to a barman and asks for a Double Entendre, so he gives her one.
-
Barman says "We don't serve time travellers in here!"
A time traveller walks into a bar.
-
guy in hospital both feet in bandages mate comes to see him asks him what happened he said i bought a can of meat and it said to cook stand in boiling water for 10 mins.
-
long one sorry!!! : A couple go into a french restaurent,the type with a fish tank in the corner to pick your meal out of. the french waiter jevais goes over and asks wat they might like to eat. the couple look into the tank and say they fancy something different to fish so they have a good look in the tank and ask jevais 'wats that under that rock?' jevais replies'u dnt want that!' that's a Green Hairy Lipped Squid!', the couple say'We do, we fancy a change' . reluctantly jevais fishes out with a net the strange creature. he takes it to the cook and goes off to serve the other customers. some time passes and the couple get restless and ask Jevais where there meal is. so he goes to see wats taking the cook so long. in the kitchen the chef has a big knife in his hand and the hairy lipped squid cornered on the worktop ready to stab it.jevais says 'wats wrong why havent u killed it and cooked it?', the cook says'look at its eyes the way its looking at me i cannot kill it'. jevais says'this is no good i will do it if u wont u big panzy!'jevais chases it round and corners it aswell but the creature gives him the sad eyes and jevais cant bring himself to kill it.the customers are by now getting quite worried about the time their food is taking so jevais says' i know who will kill it,' old Hanz,the dish washer!'.so off goes jevais to fetch Hanz. along he comes and he chases the creature around the worktop untill he to corners the beast. but it was no good he had the same eyes looking up at him making him feel bad.'i cant do it either' he says.'look at his cute eyes im sorry i cannot kill it'. this just goes to show that to make Hanz that does dishes feel as soft as Jervais use a Mild Green Hairy Lipped Squid :laugh: :laugh:
Joke fixed.
-
A Polish immigrant went to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: C Z W I X N O S T A C Z. “Can you read this?†the optician asked. “Read it?†the Polish guy replied, “I know the guy.â€
-
I've booked a table for me and the Mrs on Valentine's Day. Trouble is I know it's all gonna end in tears as she f***ing hates snooker...
-
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and realised she was just on standby.
Just Fostered a Muslim kid.
All 4 cans hit him right on the back of the head.
Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke
All I said was, "golly you're tall.".
They've had to cancel the panto 'jack & the beanstalk',in Birmingham , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley , Leicester & Luton:
because the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
Muslim have gone on the rampage in Bradford , killing anyone who's English.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.
-
My wife asked me to take her somewhere expensive for Valentine's Day... apparantly the petrol station isn't what she had on mind.
-
At the end of a tiny deserted bar in Liverpool sat a Scouser. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the Scouser.
Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the Scouser leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the sh!t out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the Scouser, and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?"
"I don't know," the Scouser replied. "Something about a job."
-
Dear Egyptian Rioters,
Please do not damage the Pyramids - we will not rebuild.
Signed
The Jews
-
Just read a sign that made me p!ss myself.
It said "Toilets Closed"
-
whats pink and covvered in dust
madalie mc canns bike
-
A little boy shouts to his mum from the back door.
"MUM CAN YOU HELP ME?"
His mum shouts back "I'M MAKING THE BEDS SO DONT SHOUT AT ME, GET UP HERE AND SPEAK TO ME PROPERLY"
The boy walks upstairs. "That's better" she say's "Now what did you want?"
The little boy say's "I trod in dog's sh1t and I can't get my trainers off"
-
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
-
Proof that being kicked in the balls is more painful than childbirth.
Several months after being kicked in the balls, a male does not say
"I think i want another kick in the balls"
-
Kate middleton, the first person to squeeze into diana's ring since dodi al fayed!
-
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils,
I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained,'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
-
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker
-
A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'
'No, love,' he replied.
"I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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There is a website now were you can go on to check if there are sex offenders living near to you.
I went on and aparently there's 11 pedofiles living in a 10 mile radius of my house. the only problem is they could be anywere. One of them could live next door you just don't know.
Ill tell you who does live next door though, 2 sexy as f**k 12 year olds
-
The best engine in the world is the pussy. It pulls anything, starts with 1 finger, self lubricates , takes any size piston , then every 4 weeks does it's own oil change.... it's just a pity the management system is so f**king temperamental !
-
The best engine in the world is the pussy. It pulls anything, starts with 1 finger, self lubricates , takes any size piston , then every 4 weeks does it's own oil change.... it's just a pity the management system is so f**king temperamental !
My significant others is nicknamed Alfa!
-
I was driving home from work today, on the motorway.
Glancing to my right I noticed an attractive business woman overtaking me at a good 90mph, eyes fixed firmly on her rear view mirror as she was putting on her lipstick!
I was so astonished I almost spilled my beer over my mobile phone.
-
I heard that Justin Bieber has a 10 inch c0ck.
It's in his 4rse and belongs to Usher.
-
I heard that Justin Bieber has a 10 inch c0ck.
It's in his 4rse and belongs to Usher.
it doesn't count as a joke if its more than likely a true story
-
How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen take?
Enough to kill Two and a half men.
-
What do you call a msulim girl that cant sing?
shehummmmmmmm
-
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple
bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around
his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to YOU?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed
one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of
the cow's arse.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!'"
"I don't remember much after that "
-
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live maybe we could make love again?'
Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realised he now had only eight hours of life left.
He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,
'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.'
She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we....?'
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,
'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny....
...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.
-
Rescuers in japan have called in Elton John, George Micheal and Graham Norton to help search through the rubble for injured victims. Their work could prove invaluble as they are experts in seeing japs eyes covered in sh!t
-
I was going to donate to the relief fund in Tokyo til I watched telly and saw a bloke with two motorboats in his front garden.
-
I know how the japanese feel .......
...after 30 aftershocks icant find my house either!!!
-
all these japan jokes just keep flooding in..
speaking to my friend from japan yesterday, all he talked about was his social life, about these big raves//
-
My Japanese girlfriend died in the Tsunami, oh well plenty more in the sea.
The australian Surfing world championship last week was won by a japanese bloke riding a wardrobe door
-
Apparently this Japan thing is just a big scam thing to get aid money into the country anyway, ive just had a look on google map street view, and all seems fine :huh:
-
me luv you long tide!
-
i was at the pub last night having a cigaret and i got stopped buy a guy in a wheelchair, he said, why do you smoke when you don't need to? , i said why the f**k are you wearing trainers.
-
I came home earlier to my girlfriend f**king my best friend. I b!tchslapped her, chucked her out and turned to my best friend and said
'Bad dog, no biscuits for you tonight!!!'
-
A man and his wife are sitting on their veranda when the man says "I love you."
His wife turns to him and says "Is that you or the beer talking?"
He replies "Its me......... talking to the beer."
-
A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, "Mum, am I a real polar bear?"
"Of course you are." His mother replied.
The young polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?"
"Yes, you are a real polar bear."
A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?"
"Yes" said his parents.
Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are all my relatives real polar bears?"
"Yes, they are all real polar bears." Said his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother.
"Because," said the young polar bear, "I'm fcuking freezing!
-
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks
for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 penny."
"A penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a
nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to
real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"4p" he replies.
"Four pence?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this
place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
-
Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots.
One for me and one for my best buddy here."
The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to
wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"
Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in
my pocket here." With that he pulls out a little 3-inch man from
his pocket.
The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that
much?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some," the man retorted.
So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure enough, the little guy
drinks it all up.
"That's amazing," says the bartender. "What else can he do?
Can he walk?"
Rodney flicks a pound coin down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey
Al, go get that pound!"
The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the
coin, and runs back down and gives it to Rodney.
The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That's amazing,"
he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his
eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey Al, tell him about that
time we were in down in Africa on safari and you called that witch doctor a w@nker"
-
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."
-
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
-
Did you know that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
-
Did you know that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
Did you also know that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy?
-
Did you know that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
Did you also know that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy?
:grin:
-
You know what I hate about gang rape?
Going last.
-
My mates shagging twins who both like it up the arse,
I asked how do you tell them apart?
He said "Oh thats the easy bit, Sally's got massive tits and a nice shaved fanny and Dereks got a moustache and big bollocks"
-
I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
-
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding
The most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale
In the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50%
When her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in
A terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that
She'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she
Was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the
Boutiques.
She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to
The hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with
A cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of
The last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband.
Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the lady doctor in
The corridor and asked about her husband's condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and
Finished your shopping trip, didn't you! I hope you're proud of
Yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself
In town, your husband has been struggling in the Intensive Care Unit!
It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more
Than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of
His life he will require round-the-clock care. And that will now be
Your new career!'
At this the woman broke down and sobbed.
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.
He's dead, show me what you bought!
-
Worried your pension will run short?
So you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you -
What do you do?
Senior Health Care Solution Inc.
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets.
You are allowed to shoot 2 MPs and 2 illegal immigrants!
Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need!
New teeth? - No problem.
Need glasses? - Great.
New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart?
All covered.
(And your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now).
And who will be paying for all of this?
The same government that just told you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home!!!
Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay income tax any more.
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?
-
Took the other half on a date to the cinema last night, but we embarrassingly got evicted for eating our own food. It was the first time I'd had a barbeque for ages too!
-
little boy sat on the toilet with dad in bath next to him. little boy says daddy daddy whats all that curly hair stuff down there?
dad says oh erm thats my pet hedge hog son.
little boy says CORE look at the dick on it :laugh:
-
The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."
"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."
Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.
Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts. The price is still £5000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.
After their session, Suzy said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"
The man replied, " Edinburgh."
"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer
She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!
-
My girlfriend and I went out to a restaurant last night, and some of the
other diners started calling me a 'paedo' and a 'cradle snatcher.' All
because I'm a 52 year old man with a 21 year old girlfriend. It totally
ruined our 10 year anniversary meal.
-
Kate asked the Queen the secret of long life, The Queen replied, "always wear a seatbelt, and don't f**k me about!"..
-
My mate David had his ID stolen the other night.
We just call him DAV now!!
Thank you and good night. :laugh:
-
The morning after the Royal Wedding Prince William goes downstairs and the butler asks him if he'd like some breakfast for himself and his new bride.
William replies "I'll have a Full English with scrambled egg and no mushrooms please, and a single lettuce leaf for Kate"
"A single lettuce leaf, Sir?"
"Yes. I want to see if she eats like a rabbit too".
-
Pippa Middleton's 4rse is like a JK Rowling book. You know that Harry's gonna be it in at some point...
-
It's very quiet and there's a lot of flags flying half-mast here in Bradford this morning.
What's going on?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thank God Bin Laden's dead.
I was getting sick of the royal wedding.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BTW, I killed Colonel Gaddafi last night. I didn't take any pictures and threw his body into the sea. Just take my word for it; he's definitely dead.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Osama Bin Laden has appeared in his latest video claiming the England football team are sh!t.
British intelligence said, "This doesn't prove he's still alive. The video could have been made at any time in past 44 years."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have a theory that Osama bin Laden is hiding in Bradford, and that we should bomb it just in case.
If I'm wrong, what have we lost?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"9/11 organiser dead".
Nonsense, I've never seen George W. Bush looking healthier.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prince Harry reported missing after a secret fancy dress party somewhere in Pakistan..
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just seen in the news that Bin Laden is dead.
To be honest I couldn't give two towers about his death.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Osama is gone, but his 6 horcruxes remain
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
News: Osama Bin Laden Dead
He took his own life rather than watch a 4th day of Royal Wedding highlights
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YOU HAVE MAIL.
From: Bin Laden, Osama
Sent: Monday, October 22, 2001 8:17 AM
To: Cavemates
Subject: The Cave
Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says
"Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.
First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I so we need to sweep the cave daily.
I've posted a sign up sheet near the main cave opening.
Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks.
Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together.
Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone.
Consideration. That's all I'm saying.
Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard.
Death to infidels,
Osama
-
World hide and seek championship results are now in
Bronze goes to - Anne Frank
Silver goes to - Osama Bin Laden
Gold goes to - Madelin McCann
I'll get my coat shall I :grin:
-
Met a German vegetarian the other day. He seemed like a bit of a pessimist.
Said he feared the wurst.
-
Try not laughing :wink:
http://www.boreme.com/posting.php?id=27735&page
-
why would you wrap a hamster up in selotape?
So that it doesn't burst when you fcuk it.
-
Bought the new premiership tool box from B&Q today, taking it back tomorrow though as there are no fackin hammers!! :laugh:
-
A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, gulps it down, looks in his pocket then orders another one.
He gulps that one down, looks in his pocket again, then orders another one.
He does this about 7 or 8 more times when the bartender finally asks, Every time you finish a drink you look in your pocket. What's in your pocket?
The man replies, Oh... I have a picture of my wife in there. I drink until she looks good, then I go home.
-
Half the country is now covered in a giant ash/dust cloud.
ArseLOL have apologised for opening their trophy cabinet!!!!
Go's and get's pop corn and waits for backlash :kiss:
-
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. ""F*ck that" says Mick"have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
-
I walked into a car showroom last night.
I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window."
He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."
I said, "You do now."
-
Apparantly if Ryan Giggs wife leaves him she will only get half of everyting but she'll still have 6 more premiership medals than Steven Gerrard :grin: :grin: :grin:
-
1) You can say what you like about paedophiles, but at least they drive slowly around schools.
2) One of my friends has a butler with no left arm. Serves him right.
3) I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse. I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.
-
The wife just told me that she's pregnant and expecting twins at Christmas.
She's going to make a fantastic single mum :shocked:
-
Five secrets to a perfect relationship
1 It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans & has a job.
2 It's important to have a woman you can trust and would never lie.
3 It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
4 It's important to have a woman who is good in bed & likes being with you.
5 It's absolutely vital that these four women don't know each other.
-
A prostitute gets a picture of Wayne Rooney and Ryan Giggs tattooed onto the insides of her thighs and says to a customer 'if you can guess who those Man United Players are i'll give you a free shag' the man reply's 'I don't know who they are but the one in the middle with the big lips and the curly hair is Rio Ferdinand!
-
Katie Price has yet another tattoo...............
She has a picture of Clark Kent on one ankle and a picture of superman on the other..........
You never see them together! :grin:
-
Liverpool are pleased to see Swansea get promoted. It gives them the chance to play in another country next season
Some say that Sepp Blatter's behaviour has crossed the line. But thanks to his refusal to allow the relevant technology, we may never know.
-
Told my girlfriend she reminded me of a toe.
"Is it because I'm small and cute?"
"No, it's coz I'll probably end up banging you on the coffee table when I'm drunk."
-
Wayne Rooney has had a hair Transplant. Thats a bit like putting a thatched roof on a sh!t-house......It might keep the flies off but ultimately there's still a large turd underneath
-
goy goes in a pet shop says i want to buy a wasp owner says we dont sell wasps guy says well you got one in the window.
what do dyslexics eat for breakfast SPECIAL M
-
Nearly bought Kate McCann's book about poor little Maddie today.
Then I changed my mind and thought, "Fcuk it, I'll wait until someone leaves it in a hotel room."
-
My gf texted me 'I'm horny. Tell me something hot'
So I replied ' I'm hot and sweaty, working out'
She sent back ' oh what you working out at the moment?;)'
I said'I'm working out how to flush my massive sh!t'
The other half said to me"I'm bored can we try a new position?"
"No," I replied in a manly voice, "you're staying in the passenger seat were you belong!"
Just had a bloke at the door asking if I wanted to buy a raffle ticket for black orphans. I told him with my luck ide probably win one.
My friend was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a wank. I said "mate that's 3 schools this year, you want to stop before your banned from teaching altogeather".
I was feeling down earlier so I dipped my muslim friend in bleach. Thought ide lighten mahmood.
Today in a opinion poll I was asked 'if you could eliminatte a race from the 2012 olympics, which would it be?' Naturally I said nniggers. Aparently most people said the 1000 metres.
-
My gf texted me 'I'm horny. Tell me something hot'
So I replied ' I'm hot and sweaty, working out'
She sent back ' oh what you working out at the moment?;)'
I said'I'm working out how to flush my massive sh!t'
The other half said to me"I'm bored can we try a new position?"
"No," I replied in a manly voice, "you're staying in the passenger seat were you belong!"
Just had a bloke at the door asking if I wanted to buy a raffle ticket for black orphans. I told him with my luck ide probably win one.
My friend was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a wank. I said "mate that's 3 schools this year, you want to stop before your banned from teaching altogeather".
I was feeling down earlier so I dipped my muslim friend in bleach. Thought ide lighten mahmood.
Today in a opinion poll I was asked 'if you could eliminatte a race from the 2012 olympics, which would it be?' Naturally I said nniggers. Aparently most people said the 1000 metres.
I wouldn't have wasted my time :rolleyes:
-
A flea walks into a bar and sees his mate shivering his t!ts off! he asks "what`s up with you?"
His friend replies "I`m living in this guys `tash and he has a motorbike, I wake up every morning to find im doing 60mph down the motorway!"
The first flea replies "No no mate you need to do what i do! Go to a club find a nice looking girl, crawl up her leg and go to kip in her muff, you`ll be nice and cosy!"
The next day the flea is at the bar and his mate walks in shivering again! he says: "What`s up? did you do what i said?"
His friend replies "Yes I found a nice girl, crawled up her leg and fell asleep in her muff, next thing i know im doing 60mph up the motorway in some bikers tash!"
-
ESSEX
HURRICANE APPEAL
A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Wednesday with its epicentre in Clacton. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.
Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Clacton .
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said,
"It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying.
My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all.
I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP ?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
Ice cream
Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.
"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,
"Romford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"
Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.
-
Why did the Polish bloke cross the road?
Because he'd pinched the chicken's job as well :grin:
-
Why did the Polish bloke cross the road?
Because he'd pinched the chicken's job as well :grin:
:grin:
-
Little Billy was watching tv, He comes down stairs and asks"Dad Whats Love Juice?"
His father looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex and why a womons girl thingy becomes wet.
Billy just sits there with his mouth open wide in amazement. His Dad asks, "so what were you watching?"
Billy replies, "Wimbledon"
-
A man went to a pet shop and bought a talking parrot.
He took the parrot home, and tried to teach it how to say a few things, but instead the parrot just swore at him. After a few hours of trying to teach the bird finally the man said
"If you don't stop swearing I'm going to put you in the freezer as punishment."
The parrot continued, so finally the man put the bird in the freezer.
About an hour later the parrot asked the man to please open the door.
As the man took the shivering bird out of the freezer it said
"I promise to never swear again. Just tell me what that turkey did!"
-
Woman goes into a pet shop and says the assistant she is looking to buy a parrot.
Assistant says "We do have a parrot, but it did use to belong to a brothel, so its language is a little blue"
The woman replies "It will be ok, we're an open minded family, it won't cause any offense"
Assitant then says "Ok, well if there are any problems just bring it back"
So the woman takes the bird home, and when she takes the cover, the bird exclaims "You must be the new mistress, this will be a lovely brothel".
The woman just laughs it off.
The womans daughter then comes home and the parrot shouts "New blood! New blood! Bet she'd make a great prozzie!"
The daughter is a little taken aback, but the woman explains and they have a good laugh about it.
The husband then arrives home from work, and the parrot shouts "Hi Frank, here for the usual?"
-
a girl calls her mother,"mum,i'm getting a divorce!" "a divorce y?" the mother asks,shocked. "mum all he wants is anal sex,i used to have a lovely little arsehole the size of a 5p piece.now its the size of a 50p piece" the mother replies "sweetie you have a lovely porsche,a platinum credit card,a villa in barcelona,kids in private school and 6 holidays a year.DO you really want to give that all up for the sake of 45p"
-
(http://i272.photobucket.com/albums/jj183/jayton82/job-fails-tweeters.jpg)
-
Whenever I see you, my middle finger gets an erection.
-
Bump as no longer a sticky.
:grin:
-
whats the difference between amy winehouse and michael jackson?
they both had a 10 year old crack addiction :grin:
sorry, just had to be done
a girl came up to me in a bar-short skirt, tits like ripe fruit, hair in a pony tail. "what would you say if i told you i was wearing no underwear?" she breathed. "i'd say neither am i" she raised her eyebrows. "really? im wearing none because it gives men like you..." she licked her lips "...easy access.."
"oh?" i replied. "ive got non on because i shat myself in the gents".
my reaction to watching cher lloyd's music video for swagger jagger was similar to that of when i watched 2girls1cup. i though it was awful, horrible and vile but still ended up wanking to it.
i met this beautiful woman in a club and we got dancing, she suddenly put her hand on my crotch and said, "oh my! you are a big boy! your certainly hiding something down there" then gave me a cheeky smile. "thanks," i said "most girls think its weird that i bring my guinea pig out clubbing"
my wife said "why is the laptop all sticky?" i said, "its not what you think, its ice cream". she said "how did you manage to get ice cream alll over the laptop?" i said "have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"
-
whats the difference between amy winehouse and michael jackson?
they both had a 10 year old crack addiction :grin:
:grin: :grin: :grin:
I'm going to pinch that!
P.S but i'm going to correct it to:
Whats the connection between....
:lipsrsealed:
-
oops i was supposed to put whats have they got in common.
ide be a rubish comedian, cant even tell jokes right, that ive been texted.
-
Sadly, after a desperate attempt to save Amy Winehouse before she dies, not even Gavin from Autoglass could fix her crack problem.
-
amy winehouse bumps into lady dianna at the pearly gates. amy says to her "why is your halo black?" diana replies "you must still be off your face darling, its a bloody steering wheel"
whats the difference between amy winehouse and a moped? a moped can hit 30
whats the difference between amy winehouse and richard hammond? richard hammond survived top gear
BBC NEWS - amy winehouse described as the voice of a generation, yeah just like joseph fritzl was father of the year
at first the amy winehouse jokes were funny but now it seems like were beating a dead horse
:shocked: :shocked: :laugh: :laugh:
-
seen someone filling his tank the other day, flash thingy!
-
Whats the worst thing about f**king a five year-old?
Getting the blood out of the clown suit.
-
rupert murdoch says he is deeply touched by all the messages left on amy winehouses voicemail
-
Whats the best thing about twentythree year olds?
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
Theres 20 of them...
-
whats the difference between amy winehouse and michael jackson?
they both had a 10 year old crack addiction :grin:
sorry, just had to be done
Shouldn't this be, " Whats Amy Winehouse and Micheal Jackson got in common?" Not "Whats the difference" :wink:
-
WEBUYANYCAR.com
-
twitter is the bit of skin between the tw@t and the sh!tter.
-
A Husband walks into the bedroom & says to wife " fancy playing the rape game?"..............Wife says "NO"...........Husband says "thats the spirit b!tch" !!!
-
Paddy got home from the pub late and very pissed, his wife said ok smart arse explain the lip stick on your collar, he said f**king easy i used my shirt to wipe my cock !!
-
The old bill knocked on my door last night with a complaint my dog chased a man on a bike, I said it can't be my dog.... he hasn't go a bike. :laugh:
-
Elton John will perform at Amy Winehouse's funeral with a beautiful rendition of Candle Under The Spoon.
BBC News: Singer Amy Winehouse dies aged 27.
In other news the Colombian economy has collapsed.
Can all those waiting to make a joke about Amy Winehouse please form a line.
It's what she would've wanted.
Amy Winehouse; the only person who has a surname to describe their liver.
Wow, Amy Winehouse is dead.
Unfortunately, her parents can't keep her ashes as it would be possession of a Class A drug.
Before telling such sick and abusive jokes about Amy Winehouse, think about her poor close friends.
Imagine how they'll feel on Tuesday when they wake up and find out.
Amy Winehouse will be best remembered for her sense of humour.
The paramedics at the scene found her donor card.
Amy Winehouse was disappointed when it was explained to her that she had won 5 Grammys and not 5 Grams.
-
What do you get if you cross a Polar Bear with an Eton schoolboy?
A Polar Bear.
-
A man and his son were talking about sex. The son asked his father, "dad, what does a pussy look like?" The dad asked him, "before or after sex?" "Ummmm, before sex", the kid replied. The dad said, "have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?" "Yeah" said the son. "Well, what about after sex?" said the son.
His dad replied, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"!!!
-
Jimmy Saville goes into a faulty time machine.
Now...then
Now...then
Now...then
-
After sex last night with my new girlfriend, she snuggled up to me & said
"You know, you are by far the biggest I've ever had."
Apparently "ditto" is not the right response.
-
You know your new girlfriends rough when you ask her for a blowjob an she says "not tonight, im tired just wank in a cup and i"ll drink it in the morning :grin:
-
whats the difference between amy winehouse and michael jackson?
they both had a 10 year old crack addiction :grin:
sorry, just had to be done
Shouldn't this be, " Whats Amy Winehouse and Micheal Jackson got in common?" Not "Whats the difference" :wink:
i know something else they have in common :lipsrsealed: :lipsrsealed: :lipsrsealed:
-
Two old age pensioners having oral sex. The old man says, "I can't stay down here much longer, it stinks." The old woman replies, "That'll be my arthritis."
"Arthritis in your fanny ?" asks the old man. "No", says the old woman, "The arthritis means I can’t wipe my arse.
-
I chucked my cross eyed girlfriend today. She was seeing someone else.
-
Two old age pensioners having oral sex. The old man says, "I can't stay down here much longer, it stinks." The old woman replies, "That'll be my arthritis."
"Arthritis in your fanny ?" asks the old man. "No", says the old woman, "The arthritis means I can’t wipe my arse.
:grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin:
-
A specialist has been drafted in to help move on the Gypsies at the Dale Farm illegal site in Essex.
Andersk Breivik from Norway cleared his last camp in under an hour...
-
Wot no Gaddaffi jokes? :rolleyes:
-
True, where they at? Usually those kinda jokes are on well quick.
-
Had a brief search and the main reason there aren't is because their all sh1te, well the one's i found.
-
Wot no Gaddaffi jokes? :rolleyes:
Whats black with two broken arms?
Colonel Gaddaffi's sun glasses.
-
The BBC say that Colonel Gadaffi was found with his legs hanging out of a smelly big hole shouting for mercy.
A spokesman for Katie Price said she has never even been to Libya....
-
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
-
Bloated, gassy feeling in your stomach with acidic belching. Been for a piss four times already, and you're not even tipsy yet. Weird metallic taste in your mouth, even though you watched the barmaid pour it on draught. Hungover the next day, even though you were still perfectly coherent and co-ordinated when you went to bed. Carlsberg do do lager...
-
A father and his 10 year old son are in a shop and they walk past the condom section.
The son asks "dad, what are these?"
The father replies "they're condoms son, men use them to have safe sex"
"oh, right" the son replies, with a thinking look
"yeah I've heard about them at school, in sex education"
He picks up a pack of three and asks his father
"Dad, why are there three in this packet?"
His father replies "because they are for secondary school kids. One for friday, one for saturday and one for sunday".
"oh ok" says his son. He then picks up a pack of six and asks
"Why are there 6 in this one?"
His father says "they are for college boys, two for friday, two for saturday and two for sunday"
"Wow! So who uses these?" Asks the son whilst picking up a pack of 12.
With a sigh, his father replies
"They're for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March, and all the way into December"
-
Bloated, gassy feeling in your stomach with acidic belching. Been for a piss four times already, and you're not even tipsy yet. Weird metallic taste in your mouth, even though you watched the barmaid pour it on draught. Hungover the next day, even though you were still perfectly coherent and co-ordinated when you went to bed. Carlsberg do do lager...
You've just described carling mate.
-
To be fair it sums up alot of beer these days.
-
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes
and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead until I saw the
red spot on her forehead, and realised she was just on standby.
Had to have a blood transfusion the other day.
All they had left was 2 pints of African blood, and
2 pints of Pakistani blood. It's not as bad as it sounds
I now have a 12 inch cock, and I am top of the housing list..
Took a dyslexic bird home last night,
and she ended up cooking my sock!
-
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes
and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead until I saw the
red spot on her forehead, and realised she was just on standby.
(http://i482.photobucket.com/albums/rr182/the_flying_elvi/applause-1.gif)
-
A man was walking along the road when he saw a girl about to jump off a bridge. So he stopped and says, "Hey, honey, what the hell do you think you're doing?""I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he did not want to appear insensitive, he also didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"So she does... And it was a long, passionate, deep-tongued, lingering, thrilling kiss.After she's finished, the biker says, "That was the best kiss I've had in a long time. That's a real talent you are going to waste. You're a hot, passionate, young thing. Why are you committing suicide?" She replied, "Because, my parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
-
What is black and orange and bleed profusely?
Half a tiger.
-
Hearing aid for sale. Shout if you're interested.
-
My girlfriend asked if I wanted to go Dutch on tonight's meal...So I strangled her and stole her pizza :evil:
-
I came to a conclusion last night. That its really weird to wank over conclusions.
-
I've been waiting for a celebrity to die so I could make up some sh!t jokes, Jim fixed it for me!
-
"Now that doesn't look like a foot"
Thought the sock.
-
When I'm reincarnated, I want to come back as a spider so that I could finally hear a woman say......
"Oh my God, it's f**king huge".
-
Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students..
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably cycling with his mates.'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom
-
"Now that doesn't look like a foot"
Thought the sock.
It might not be 12" but it smells like a foot.. :lipsrsealed:
-
my wife said give me 12 inches and make me bleed! so I f**ked her three times and punched her in the nose.
-
my wife said give me 12 inches and make me bleed! so I f**ked her three times and punched her in the nose.
Where do you find these?!
-
my wife said give me 12 inches and make me bleed! so I f**ked her three times and punched her in the nose.
Bet you got that from the ending in one of the ef**kt videos :grin:
-
my wife said give me 12 inches and make me bleed! so I f**ked her three times and punched her in the nose.
Where do you find these?!
most of the recent jokes on here are off sikipedia, so im gonna join in and post the top jokes from siki
i walked up to my daughter at a family party last night. "do you know how much youve embarrased me tonight?" i spat. "what do you mean?" she asked. "short skirt, little top! you look like a sl*t," i snaped. "im sorry dad" she frowned. "so you should be" i replied "all of your aunts keep pointing and giggling at my errection".
i said to the missus, "when i look at you i always think of a fine red wine". "why is that?" she replied, " is it cause im fruity with a nice body?". "no." i said, "i keep thinking about bottling you."
as i sat on the edge of the bed pulling off my boxers, my wife looked at me and said "please dont do that to the dogs."
i went to the zoo and saw a sign saying "two children for £10" i might get them as a christmas present for my peado neighbour colin.
-
At yesterday's Chelsea training session John Terry got the ball and dribbled it round Malouda then Ramires, Cole, Sturridge, Essien, Mikel, Kalou, Drogba and finally Anelka. Villas Boas shakes his head and shouts "CONES JOHN, I SAID DRIBBLE ROUND THE CONES"
John Terry has written an open letter of apology to Anton Ferdinand. "Good golly Anton, I'm sorry about all this monkey business. It was only a little black humour really and it's all gone bananas. What do you say we call a spade a spade and end this whole dark episode between us? Feel free to swing by for a drink sometime, John"
-
why do women have legs?
have you ever seen the mess that slugs leave behind!??
-
In the car, I said to my wife, "You've been driving this haven't you?"She said, "How do you know?"I said, "Because the clutch is knackered."She said, "Don't blame me, I've never used it."
-
"It's amazing just how sociable polar bears can be."
Thanks Attenborough, it was a f**king disaster when I brought one to the pub with me.
-
Missed out on Movember?
Why not raise funds for victims of sexual violence next spring by taking part in Rapril.
-
My neighbour just confronted me about items missing off of his washing line.
I almost sh!t his pants!
-
joke already done :( :D
-
Some one is being lazy and not reading previously posted (not even very dated posts) posts. :embarassed:
-
bastard, the thing is i actually read this thread every time theres a joke posted :grin:
-
Tom visits Dave who's laid up at home with a broken leg.
Dave says 'Me feet are freezing mate, can you nip upstairs and get my slippers?'
'No probs' says Tom.
Upstairs Dave's stunning 19 year old twin daughters are sitting on their bed.
'Hello girls, your Dad sent me to shag you two.'
... 'f**k off you liar!'they said.
'I'll prove it.' said Tom and he shouts downstairs
'Both of them Dave?'
'Of course!" says Dave "What's the point of f**kin one?
-
http://www.golfgtiforum.co.uk/index.php?topic=213454.0
If only for the Thread Title :grin:
-
"When I was just a little girl,
I asked my Mother 'What Should I be?'
Would I be pretty?
Would I be rich?
Here's what she said to me"
"Son - we've gotta talk!"
-
What bounces and makes kids cry?
My donation cheque to Children in Need.
-
What bounces and makes kids cry?
My donation cheque to Children in Need.
How about...
What doesn't bounce and makes kids cry?
Pudsy falling out a window.
-
what's the best thing about shagging a transvestite?????
........Reaching round the front and thinking you gone right through!!!!!!!!
:grin: :grin: :grin: :sick:
-
I hate being bipolar. It's amazing
-
I just overheard a guy stacking shelves at Tesco complaining because the top shelf was broken, and he couldn't keep it up.
I think he had a wrecked aisle dysfunction.
-
(http://i272.photobucket.com/albums/jj183/jayton82/siRfk.gif)
(http://i272.photobucket.com/albums/jj183/jayton82/shoppingtrolley.jpg)
-
I rarely laugh at jokes like these but thought this was a good en
The other day, I saw the headline: 'Woman beats off rapist' and I thought... "That seems like a reasonable compromise."
-
Elephant: "Why do you have boobs on your back?" - Camel: "Thats a stupid question coming from someone who has a pen!s on his face."
-
love the thead lol :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin:
-
The Jeremy Kyle 12 days of Christmas:12 cans of Carling, 11 DNA tests, 10 dads to choose from, 9 teeth between them, 8 squeezed in tracksuits, 7 stinking smackrats, 6 Dunlop trainers, 5 stolen rings, 4 fat slags, 3 ugly twits, 2 timing barstewards and a w*nker who parades them on t.v !!!!
-
I'm waiting for Guy to post up his joke.
:lipsrsealed:
-
As a trucker stops for a red light on the A4 a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!"
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says............
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter and I'm driving the bloody gritter."
-
bad joke, but makes perfect sense..lol :grin:
-
I took the train home last night and was staring at this beautiful young girl sat opposite. She said "what are you looking at", I replied "six to eight years depending on how hard you struggle!"
-
I was sacked yesterday for being a pervert. I don't understand why, I'm always hard at work
-
Whats the best part of a Somalian blow job?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
She's definitely going to swallow
-
Not really a joke, an maybe its been a long day, but it had me crying with laughter!
(http://i19.photobucket.com/albums/b164/randomjord/8841d748.jpg)
-
Not really a joke, an maybe its been a long day, but it had me crying with laughter!
(http://i19.photobucket.com/albums/b164/randomjord/8841d748.jpg)
:grin: :grin:
-
No Blue Ivy jokes? :huh:
-
Had a date with a girl called Simile, don't know why I met her for.
-
Had a date with a girl called Simile, don't know why I met her for.
Not that I mean to impede your efforts at making a joke involving literary techniques, but grammatically speaking it should read:
"Had a date with a girl called Simile, don't know what I met her for."
:grin:
-
Had a date with a girl called Simile, don't know why I met her for.
Not that I mean to impede your efforts at making a joke involving literary techniques, but grammatically speaking it should read:
"Had a date with a girl called Simile, don't know what I met her for."
:grin:
can someone explain this one too me, GCSE english never was my strong point :grin:
-
Had a date with a girl called Simile, don't know why I met her for.
Not that I mean to impede your efforts at making a joke involving literary techniques, but grammatically speaking it should read:
"Had a date with a girl called Simile, don't know what I met her for."
:grin:
can someone explain this one too me, GCSE english never was my strong point :grin:
I have had a few beers tonight so my grammar is a little off.....
Its a little word play :smiley:
I know another joke about about the silent p in bath....
I wont bore you with it though :grin:
-
Had a date with a girl called Simile, don't know why I met her for.
Not that I mean to impede your efforts at making a joke involving literary techniques, but grammatically speaking it should read:
"Had a date with a girl called Simile, don't know what I met her for."
:grin:
can someone explain this one too me, GCSE english never was my strong point :grin:
Met-her-for = Metaphor
:smiley:Had a date with a girl called Simile, don't know why I met her for.
Not that I mean to impede your efforts at making a joke involving literary techniques, but grammatically speaking it should read:
"Had a date with a girl called Simile, don't know what I met her for."
:grin:
can someone explain this one too me, GCSE english never was my strong point :grin:
I have had a few beers tonight so my grammar is a little off.....
Its a little word play :smiley:
I know another joke about about the silent p in bath....
I wont bore you with it though :grin:
No worries, but when you were making a play on words I couldn't resist :evil:
-
I'm lost with the above jokes, maybe better if their spoken out.
-
Why did the chicken cross the road?
His head was stuffed in Anthony Worrall Thompson's pocket.
-
The wife said to me last night,
"If you turn off the bedside light, I'll take it up the arse"
Suppose I should really have let the bulb cool down a bit first.
-
Why did the chicken cross the road?
His head was stuffed in Anthony Worrall Thompson's pocket.
what was this off? i was watching it the other day and i cant remember
-
(http://a4.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/377874_3046037718525_1490616982_33067509_963269006_n.jpg)
-
my wife said give me 12 inches and make me bleed! so I f**ked her three times and punched her in the nose.
Where do you find these?!
most of the recent jokes on here are off sikipedia, so im gonna join in and post the top jokes from siki
i walked up to my daughter at a family party last night. "do you know how much youve embarrased me tonight?" i spat. "what do you mean?" she asked. "short skirt, little top! you look like a very *friendly* person," i snaped. "im sorry dad" she frowned. "so you should be" i replied "all of your aunts keep pointing and giggling at my errection".
i said to the missus, "when i look at you i always think of a fine red wine". "why is that?" she replied, " is it cause im fruity with a nice body?". "no." i said, "i keep thinking about bottling you."
as i sat on the edge of the bed pulling off my boxers, my wife looked at me and said "please dont do that to the dogs."
i went to the zoo and saw a sign saying "two children for £10" i might get them as a christmas present for my peado neighbour colin.
I didnt get it from siki.
-
my wife said give me 12 inches and make me bleed! so I f**ked her three times and punched her in the nose.
Bet you got that from the ending in one of the ef**kt videos :grin:
wtf is an ef**kt video??
-
Why did the chicken cross the road?
His head was stuffed in Anthony Worrall Thompson's pocket.
what was this off? i was watching it the other day and i cant remember
Dunno mate - I got it from a mate on Faceache :smiley:
-
What do you call a chav standing outside a church in a white tracksuit ?
The bride.
What qualifies as sexual protection to chavs ?
A bus shelter.
What do you call a chavvy girl with a runny nose ?
Full.
-
All from Sikipedia :smiley:
Stephen Hawking turned 70 this week. You figure in that chair he could at least turn 360.
Who will take the second shot in this snooker game?
Find out after the break.
I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.
As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus.
So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too.
As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's."
"Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?"
I said, "I've just told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."
-
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the
city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally
stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads,
and have a pint of Guinness.
After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big,
stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of
all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS. He really, really has to go, after all those pints of
Guinness.
He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent
buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who
says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE
TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."
"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me". He leads him to a back
"delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which
he opens. "In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever
seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge
beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly
relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really
decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"
"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy".
-
Just back from holiday in Thailand and l came so close to shagging a ladyboy. Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady. It was when she drove me back to her place and reversed her car into a space first time l thought f**kin 'hang on...'
-
Just back from holiday in Thailand and l came so close to shagging a ladyboy. Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady. It was when she drove me back to her place and reversed her car into a space first time l thought f**kin 'hang on...'
:laugh: :laugh:
-
I just called the local modelling shop and asked if they had an Airfix model of an Italian cruise liner. They said "Yes, we have one left".
I said "Great! Can you put it on one side for me?"
-
Just watching the news about the stricken Italian cruise liner when the presenter said "she's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court". I just happened to glance over at the wife and now it's all kicked off!!
-
i like my girls how i like my italian cruise liner...
wet,wrecked and ready to go down
whats the most common cause of injuries for pirates? ichy balls
-
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he
tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks
are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup
on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the
skin. When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the
cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have
happened if he had swallowed that little ball. The barber replied:
"You could just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does".
-
I'd love to be reincarnated as a girl Paki.
I mean, imagine how cool it would be to have a moustache at 5 years old.
_______________________________________________________
I said to my son, "Where you going?"
He said, "I'm off to meet a girl."
I said, "Don't forget to wear a... you know."
He said, "What?"
I said, "You know."
He said, "Do you mean a condom?"
I said, "No, a f**king hat you ginger thingy."
__________________________________________
I love my wife, she always gives me 100% sound advice.
99% sound, 1% advice
-
My girlfriend says she's leaving me because of my inappropriate chat-up lines.
Luckily I'm hung like Gary Speed.
:lipsrsealed:
-
... and Chelsea is expected to get 8 inches this weekend, but enough about my girlfriend. Let's move onto the weather.
you can have that one for free shady.
-
What do you get if you cross a pirate with a paedophile?
Aaaarrrrrgghhhh Kelly
-
my m8 big bob, what a joke pmsl :laugh:
-
Artist found dead in home, details are sketchy.
-
Breaking news: Bobby Brown has been found dead in his hotel room,his suicide note simply said "Two can play that game".
-
A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak.
Then, a gnarly old boy tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."
-
Whats pink and sits on the door mat ......
witney houston's valentine card!!!!
-
The editor of The Sun says that he is touched by the messages of condolence on Whitney's mobile phone.
-
Whats pink and sits on the door mat ......
witney houston's valentine card!!!!
She got one?
-
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the
city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally
stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads,
and have a pint of Guinness.
After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big,
stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of
all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS. He really, really has to go, after all those pints of
Guinness.
He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent
buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who
says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE
TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."
"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me". He leads him to a back
"delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which
he opens. "In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever
seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge
beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly
relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really
decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"
"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy".
lol radio 4 humour
-
whats black, wrinkled and floats in the bath?
no not whitney houston you sick c*nt..
its trevor mcdonalds nutsack...
-
What has a spider and Whitney Houston got have in common.They both can't get out of the bath....
-
Swallowed some Scrabble squares today, could spell trouble when I next have a sh!t
-
Whitney Houston got a new film coming out!.... The bodybag
-
What has a spider and Whitney Houston got have in common.They both can't get out of the bath....
That's the more PC version of that joke, if it could ever be called PC.
-
Taken from Ragestache... but it amused me.
"Want to hear a dirty joke?
...Yeah...
...A boy fell in mud.
:huh:
Want to hear a clean joke?
... Yeah...
... The boy got clean in a bath with bubbles.
:huh:
Want to hear another dirty joke?
... Ok...
...Bubbles is the girl next door. :grin:"
-
My friend told me that Davey Jones from the Monkees died, i didn't believe her... then i saw her face!
Now i'm a bereaver!
-
Paddy - "I've been trying to sell my car for weeks, but no one want's to buy it"
Murphy - "How many miles has it done?"
Paddy - "109,000 miles"
Murphy - "That's very high, why don't you wind the clock back?"
Paddy - "That's a good idea"
A couple of weeks later, Murphy sees Paddy in the pub and asks how he got on selling his car. "Why should I want to sell it now" says Paddy. "It's only done 49,000 miles"
-
A man i walking through a graveyard and sees a man squatting down next to a headstone
Morning! the man says
the other man replies: Nah just having a sh!t
-
In America, flipping the bird means an offensive gesture using your middle finger.
In Britain, flipping the bird means it's time for anal.
-
a father came home to find his daughter masturbating with a cucumber. "that's disgusting!" he said, "i've got to eat that later and now it's gonna taste like salad!"
-
There's a new Viagra Pill on the market called 007.
It makes you Roger More.
-
An Arab enters a taxi...
Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidels and certainly no radio.
So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the back door.
The Arab asks him: “What are you doing man?”
The cabby answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis.
So get out and wait for a camel.”
-
The ferrari f1 team fired there whole pit crew yesterday
this announcement followed ferraris descision to take advantage of the governments 'work for your dole' schemeand employ some liverpudlian youngsters.
the descision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemploymed youths from toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, were as the ferrari pit crew could only do it in 8 with millions of pounds of high tech equipment.
it was thought to be an excellent bold move by the ferrari management team as most races are won or lost in the pits giving them an advantage over all other teams.
however ferrari bit off more than they bargained for! At the crews first practice not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had resprayed,re badged and sold the car to meclaren for 8cases of stella, a bag of weed and some photos of lewis hamiltons bird in the shower
-
After being told Fernado torres had scored two goals, Fabrice Muamba replied "feck me how many years was i out for?"
-
"You won't like me when I'm angry.
Because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources."
The Credible Hulk
-
ARE YOU INSURED FOR SEX?
Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having.
Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:
Sex with your wife - Legal & General.
Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.
Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.
Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.
Sex with a Fat bird - More Than.
Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.
Sex with a posh bird - Privileged.
Sex with an OAP - Saga !
Sex with a transvestite - confused.com!
-
I hate it when the blokes wear condoms in porn.
What's the point?
Men can't get each other pregnant.
-
What do ethiopians do on a Friday night?
Starve
-
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
What's the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
Acne will usually not come on a kid's face until around 13 or 14 years old.
-
what do u call a nun in a wheelchair?
virgin mobile
-
A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer.
I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick.
-
Chinese proverb: Man who confuse laxative and viagra........crap in bed.
-
Went to the chemist for some condoms.
The assistant said "do you want a bag"
I said "Oi......she ain't that bad!"
Farmer walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep under his arm with his wife in bed. He says "this is the pig I have to shag when you're not up for sex." His wife replies "darling that is a sheep". "I know, who do you think I was talking to.
-
In hind sight, I should have just updated my Facebook status to 'I've just knackered the head gasket on my 1997 Cosworth',
After I lost my job, the police arrested me and my wife's staying at her mothers because my status was set to 'I've just f**ked a 15 year old escort'.
-
I just read that Robert Mugabe supports Chelsea.
A massive racist cnut with no morals...
...is his favourite player. :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil:
-
"Jesus Loves You."
A soothing, wonderful thing for believers to hear in Church.
Something else entirely if you hear it in a Mexican prison.
-
I went into a watch repairs shop and slapped my massive juicy dick on the counter.....
the young fit shop girl said 'this is a clock shop, not a cock shop'.
'I know' I said, 'I just want you to put some hands on it'.
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A family are driving behind a dump truck, when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. embarrassed, and to spare her young sons innocence, the mother turns around and says,' don't worry that was only an insect.' to which, her son replies.'
I'm surprised it could get of the ground with a c*ck like that.'
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*A Jimmy Carr one*
"How do you get a gay man to f**k a woman?
sh!t in her c*nt"
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today i took the wife to the doctors to sort out her tourettes. apparently she doesn't have it.
i am 'a c**t' and she does want me to 'f**k off'
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Some incredibly bad jokes for your perusal.....
"I would never cheat in a relationship,
because that would require two people to find me attractive."
"I went to see the Red Arrows today.
There were gasps of "Ooh" and "Aah" as the crowds watched on in amazement. Near miss after near miss had some people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief.
It was a good half hour's worth of entertainment, but in the end, my wife finally managed to park the car and we made our way to the air show."
"My wife told me she wanted a spa day for her birthday.
I'll tell her it's pronounced 'spade' when I give it to her tomorrow."
"Two interesting facts about me.
1) My knob is the same length as 2 Argos pens.
2) I'm banned from Argos."
"My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.
She nearly took my f**king eye out."
" I don't understand Christians.
They say that gambling is wrong, then bet their entire life on there being a heaven."
:smiley:
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BREAKING NEWS : A gang of dyslexic vigilantes have just beaten up Jimmy Somerville
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Susan Boyle is outraged at her treatment during her appearance as a child on Jim'll fix it.
He never laid a finger on her!
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Dont fancy one if those Jimmy Saville tracksuits...its normal size tops but you need to squeeze into child size bottoms!!
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Dear Jim,
Please could you fix it for the girl in my class who I really fancy to come on holiday with me ?
Yours sincerely
Jeremy Forest aged 30
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Jimmy Savilles last request was for his ashes to be put into an Etch-a-Sketch so that kids could continue to fiddle with his knob
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(http://pokerbanter.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=416&d=1349713581)
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A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you".
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever.
Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please read on.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen ... now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.
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I don't believe these allegations against Jimmy Savile. I met him in Stoke Mandeville hostpital and he seemed very nice.
Next people will be telling me he wasn't qualified to perform my prostate examination.
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it can only be a matter of time before boris johnsons mum comes forward to say jimmy saville raped her in 1963 :laugh:
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Our records indicate that you were once felt up by Jimmy Saville and could be entitled to £2147 in compensation. Just reply "how's about that then" to register. To opt out just text "stop Jimmy stop". Register before the end of the month to receive your free "lawyers 4 U fixed it for me" medal.
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How do you make an Essex girls toes curl during sex?
Shag her with her tights on
I'll get my coat.... :huh:
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This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.
The driver got out and he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy."
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.
"Morning!" he said.
The other man replies, "No, just having a sh!t."
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
Statistically 9/11 Americans won't get this.
(I've already got my coat on) :whistle:
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Inspired by recent events following Jimmy Saville's case, there's a new film coming out.
George Clooney is set to play as Jimmy Saville in 'Oh she's eleven'
Hah.
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I managed to get 6 numbers on the lottery last Saturday.
My wife asked me how much I was going to give her and I said, "£10."
She complained, "You always told me that if you won the lottery you'd give me half!"
I replied, "Yeah I am, half of 6 numbers is 3 numbers, that's a f**king tenner."
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It's nearly Halloween, and i need an outfit to scare the kids with - anyone got a red tracksuit blonde wig, jewellery and a cigar i can borrow ?
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I filled up my escort with diesel earlier. She died.
what's pink and hard? a pig with a knife
how many pedophiles does it take to change a lightbulb?
my wife is more concerned why i didn't call an electrician
if you are 10% Polish, does that make you a tad pole?
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Tony Blackburn gets invited to a pool party. He turns up with his old chum Jimmy Saville and funny man Freddie Star.
The host says 'No, the invite said bring a pair of Speedos'
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They should have named hurricane Sandy, hurricane Saville.
That way, there would have only been minor damage..
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I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.
As we know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social functions over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many, and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.
Knowing full well I was over the limit, I did something I've never done before:
I took a taxi home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block,but because it was a taxi, they waved me on.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was amazing because I've never driven a
taxi before, and I'm not sure where I got it.
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Lady: Do you smoke?
Man: Yes
Lady: How many packs a day?
Man: 3 packs
Lady: How much per pack
Man: £10.00
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 pack cost £10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £900. In one year, it would be £10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you smoke?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your f**king Ferrari then?
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Supposedly the latest chat up line.....
Dont make this rape a murder.
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Whats the difference between a practical joke and a temperature?
a nurse can take a temperate.
Haha too soon?
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Never too soon! :grin:
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Rest In Peace Patrick Moore.
'No more Mr. Night Sky'
:whistle:
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Adults only
NUDE SANTA -----
Scroll down to see the nude Santa
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For crying out loud. Act your age. There is no Santa !
Sometimes I just can't believe you!!!
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Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove...
A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related...
Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8....
I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency...
Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police womans uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him
I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day. Apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69
Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy as he nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy.
He calls down to Murphy and says, "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."
After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanics swimming pool was still full!
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For years four mates each took a week off work to go fishing together.
This year, Ron’s wife put her foot down and told him he wasn’t going.
Bitterly disappointed, he phoned the others and told them he wasn’t
allowed to go.
Two days later, the other three arrived at their usual campsite only to see Ron sitting there with his tent already set up.
‘Ron,’ they said, ‘How did you talk your missus into letting you come?’
‘Well, yesterday evening after my wife had finished reading ‘Fifty
Shades of Grey’ she dragged me upstairs and into the bedroom. On the bed she’d put handcuffs and ropes. She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. Then she said ‘Now do whatever you want.
So here I am.’
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When I was a kid, mum would send me down the shops with £1 and I'd get 3 pints of milk, a couple of loaves of bread, half a dozen iced buns, a bag of sweets and a big bottle of pop.
Can't do that now. Too many bl**dy security cameras.
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Went round my mates and caught him wrapping his hamster up in tape.
I said "what are you doing you cruel bastered?"
He said "im wrapping it up so it doesn't split when I f**k it"
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Is it too late for Tesco Burgers jokes? yay or neigh?
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Zebra DNA was found in Tesco bar codes!
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Those Aldi horse burgers were nice, but I prefer My Lidl Pony
So horsemeat has been found in TescoProducts but a spokesman says It's bollocks
A woman has been taken to hospital after eating horsemeatburgers. Her condition is said to be stable.
Good thing about these horse puns is it's stopped all the sick Jimmy Saddle jokes
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Think im receiving death threats, just woke up with a tesco burger on the pillow next to me
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Veggie burgers affected too - full of Uniquorn. :whistle:
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Went to the fridge to check my burgers, aaaaannndddd they're off!
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User Manti has entered the customer service chat line
Lenny: Good afternoon! How may I help you today, sir?
Manti: piza
Lenny: I’m not sure I understand. Could you provide some more details?
Manti: i want a pizza
Lenny: Sir, I’m afraid you are in the wrong place.
Manti: pizza with peperonii and cheese meat to south bend
Lenny: Sir, you cannot order a pizza online here.
Manti: piza pepperonni south bend please
Lenny: Sir, this is the HP online customer support chat line.
Manti: pizzahut HP
Lenny: Hewlett Packard. This is the Hewlett Packard helpdesk.
Manti: r u prettay lennay
Lenny: My name is Lenny. I am male.
Manti: what u wear lennay
Lenny: A polo shirt.
Manti: i lov u lennay
Lenny: Sir, can I ask you to please disconnect from this chat room. I cannot move on to help the next customer until you disconnect.
Manti: lennay u r prettay i lluv u
Lenny: I love you too. But I have cancer.
Manti: o no
Lenny: Oh God! A car is coming right at me! Slow down!!
Manti: stop car
Lenny: The car hit me and I died of cancer.
Manti: no
Lenny: I’m dead now. I have died.
Manti: no lennay
Lenny: I am dead. Goodbye forever.
Manti: no
Manti: pizza with cheese meat peperronii to south bend
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The AA have warned that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a Blanket/Sleeping bag, extra clothing (including Hat, Scarf and Gloves), 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-Icer, rock salt, torch, spare battery, petrol can, first aid kit and some jumps leads.
I looked a right twit on the bus.
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(http://dl.dropbox.com/u/15131107/meatballs-dog.jpg)
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Jessops felt a bit exposed about the liquidation going on.... tapi tap!
A old man took naked pictures to Jessops for developing and the sale assistant asked if he wanted the negatives?
He said yes gingerly....
The sales guy said " Well your wife is ugly, fat and has saggy tits" tapi tap!
I went to Staples the other day and asked?
"Do you sell Staples removers" tapi tap!
I rented a movie at Blockbuster and asked?
"Is it okay if I keep this?" tapi tap!
I went to Tescos to buy some burgers and started to cough at the till.
I'm very sorry I said to the cash girl "I'm feeling a bit horse in the throat today" tapi tap!
I'll get my coat :lipsrsealed:
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AN APOLOGY FROM TESCO.
We want to apologise for the recent discovery of horse and pig DNA in burgers for sale at our stores. Please rest assured we are investigating the root of the problem and will fully disclose our findings.
In the meantime we have re-sourced our burgers and re-stocked our shelves; please be assured that all our burgers now contain the traditional ingredients you know and love: eyeballs, arseholes, bollocks and brains.
Bon apetite.
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"Jump in and I'll take you home," I said to my dwarf neighbour, who was sat at the bus stop today.
"Piss off!" he replied.
"Suit yourself then," I said, as I straightened up my backpack and continued with my walk.
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Tesco are giving treble points on your Clubcard for all burgers and petrol, starting Monday.
The deal is called Only Fuel and Horses.
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A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.
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Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
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An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
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Hearing China have jumped on the Tesco bandwagon and are now selling quarter pandas
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I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are
I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.
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Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
The damned thing would suck me off!
:grin:
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M&M's are too afraid to melt in Chuck Norris' mouth
When the Hulk gets angry, he turns into Chuck Norris
The US Navy SEALs recently honored Chuck Norris with the 'Please Stop It, You're Making Us Look Bad' Award.
Chuck Norris can't wait to find out what it's actually like to wait.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer...
Chuck Norris can nail a hammer into a wall
Chuck Norris does not Blend
Chuck Norris can make you piss your soul.
Who watches the Watchmen? Chuck Norris.
Lance Armstrong didn't use drugs, he was injecting himself with Chuck Norris Piss
Mark Zuckerberg invented facebook AFTER getting a friend invite from Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris was born when the roundhouse kicks were two minutes apart.
Chuck Norris once beat a ghost to life
Chuck Norris can burn water
The dinosaurs got themselves extinct cause they knew Chuck Norris was going to be born 65million years later
Aliens wont invade earth till Chuck Norris dies, too bad for the Aliens that Chuck Norris will never die
Chuck Norris taught spongebob how to make a camp fire underwater
Chuck Norris can cook fire
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris just has a fever.
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(http://i.imgur.com/YrkHK2r.png)
Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day
Set a man on fire and he'll be warm the rest of his life
-
I was walking along a high cliff one day and saw a little boy, all alone. He was crying.
I asked him, "Son, what are you doing up here all alone?"
He replied, with tears in his eyes, "My mum's down there at the bottom. She fell!"
"That's terrible!" I said. "And your dad?"
"He's down there right next to her. He tried to save her and he fell, too!"
"That's awful!" I said. We shared a quiet moment there, together, looking out at the sky over that grand cliff.
And then, when he asked me why I was unbuckling my belt, I told him.
"Son, today just isn't your day."
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Today i saw a sexually frustrated man stood on a cliff...so i tossed him off.
-
As I pushed her off the cliff, the b!tch grabbed my hand
Thats the last thing I remember
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Just been to the fridge to check on those beef burgers, AND THEY'RE OFF!
If you've had the trots recently it might be worth contacting Tesco.
Horse fillet steaks for sale at Tesco buy them quick, they won't be there furlong
I've found it tough lately working on the Tesco meat counter....I feel like I'm flogging a dead horse.
Just ordered a burger in a Tesco cafe. The waitress asked me if i wanted anything on it? I said a fiver each way!!
Some people don't like the Tesco horse-meat burgers and some do. It's equestrian of taste really.
Tesco has clearly taken the phrase "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse" a little too seriously
Two Tesco burgers please... Hold the dressage
These Tesco burgers are low fat, but surprisingly high in Shergar …
Until late last night the supermarket shelves were stacked high with burgers - about 13 hands.
A woman has been taken to hospital after eating burgers. Her condition is said to be stable.
Just had a lovely burger from Tesco but now my voice is a little hoarse...
I had some burgers before I went for a 4 mile run last night. I did it in six minutes and jumped 19 fences.
I tried a Tesco 'beef' burger and thought the going was a bit soft - been nagging me ever since.
Horses in Tesco burgers, what next? My LIDL pony?
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Roses are red
Violets are glorious
Never sneak up
On Oscar Pistorious
:lipsrsealed:
-
Poor guy :cry:
Hasn't got a leg to stand on.
-
I don't know why they call him Blade Runner. He didn't use a knife, and he didn't flee.
-
The Popes Last Breakfast - Ex Benedict
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Brilliant! :laugh:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=syRQ7iShpzY
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"Go and have a look at the size of the sh!t I've just done in the bathroom!" I said to my wife.
"No thanks," she replied.
"Please, just one quick look," I said, "You won't believe it, it's a good two pounder."
Shaking her head in disbelief, she pinched her nose, ran in, looked down the toilet, then ran out and said, "There's nothing down there, you must've flushed it."
I said, "It's on the scales!"
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Condoms don't guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband!
------------------------------------
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.
---------------------------------------
Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.
----------------------------------------
A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
------------------------------------------
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been
confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mum's.
----------------------------------------
63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning.
It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed..
The police are blaming AL IKEA .
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Jonathan Ross has been accused
of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Police stop a Pakistani in his transit on the motorway. Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?" The driver leans into the back and says: "Hear that - 3 of you have got to get out!"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo
with blood pouring from them..
"Bugger that" said Paddy
"That's the last time I go lion dancing"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
8 immigrants were suffocated in the back of
a Tesco lorry last night. Every little helps.
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Rolf Harris's song list now has new meaning!
Two Little Boys
Jake the Peg
etc.
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So todays revelations about rolf harris puts a whole new slant on his song " 2 little boys " doesnt it :whistle:
-
..... and not forgetting Tie me Kangaroo down sport!
-
also wonder how many kids have heard the line "can you tell what it is yet" :whistle:
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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
“Jesus knows you’re here.”
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard:
“Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
“Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.”
The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird ‘Moses?’”
“The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler ‘Jesus.’”