Author Topic: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!  (Read 140794 times)

Offline moutains

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guy stopped me and asked is there a B&Q in cardiff i said no theres a C anA anR etc.

Offline green_rizla

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Paddy and Murphy are walking down a country lane and come across a young woman with a pushbike with a puncture.
Paddy decides to stop and help her ......... and Murphy carries on walking.

A while later Paddy rides up on the girls bike. Murphy says “What are ye doing riding that bike then?”

Paddy tells him “ Well now, I fixed the bike and bejeesus the girl she lays down by the side of the road, takes off her knickers and says “I’m so grateful you can take what you want” ..............

“So I takes the bike and rides up to find you”...................

“Good on yer” says Murphy........... “The f**kin’ knickers wouldn’t have fitted you anyway”. 
If everything seems under control, then you aren\\\'t going fast enough.<br />(Mario Andretti)<br /><br />MK4 GTI 1.8 Turbo - Jazz Blue <br />Recaro Interior and all the electric stufff !!!!

Offline green_rizla

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A farmer goes to see a solicitor......... “Oi wants one of them divoreces from me wife”

The solicitor asks him “Do you have grounds?” ............. “Yes” he says “Oive got me forty acres oi ‘ave”

“No, no the solicitor replies. I mean do you have a divorce suit ?” ................... No oi aint. But oi got me Sunday best suit. Oi wears it to church an all”.

The solicitor tries again............ “Do you have a grudge?”  ...................... The farmer thinks......... “Yes, oi ‘ave”........... “It’s where oi do park me tractor”.

The solicitor is getting fed up so he gives it one more go before he gives up.........
“Is your wife perhaps, a nagger ?” ...................

“No she’s white an all. But the f**kin’ baby’s a nagger............. that’s why oi wants a divorce!!!”
If everything seems under control, then you aren\\\'t going fast enough.<br />(Mario Andretti)<br /><br />MK4 GTI 1.8 Turbo - Jazz Blue <br />Recaro Interior and all the electric stufff !!!!

Offline Dave_IOW

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A farmer goes to see a solicitor......... “Oi wants one of them divoreces from me wife”

The solicitor asks him “Do you have grounds?” ............. “Yes” he says “Oive got me forty acres oi ‘ave”

“No, no the solicitor replies. I mean do you have a divorce suit ?” ................... No oi aint. But oi got me Sunday best suit. Oi wears it to church an all”.

The solicitor tries again............ “Do you have a grudge?”  ...................... The farmer thinks......... “Yes, oi ‘ave”........... “It’s where oi do park me tractor”.

The solicitor is getting fed up so he gives it one more go before he gives up.........
“Is your wife perhaps, a nagger ?” ...................

“No she’s white an all. But the f**kin’ baby’s a nagger............. that’s why oi wants a divorce!!!”

:laugh: :grin: :grin:
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Offline Martz

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A farmer goes to see a solicitor......... “Oi wants one of them divoreces from me wife”

The solicitor asks him “Do you have grounds?” ............. “Yes” he says “Oive got me forty acres oi ‘ave”

“No, no the solicitor replies. I mean do you have a divorce suit ?” ................... No oi aint. But oi got me Sunday best suit. Oi wears it to church an all”.

The solicitor tries again............ “Do you have a grudge?”  ...................... The farmer thinks......... “Yes, oi ‘ave”........... “It’s where oi do park me tractor”.

The solicitor is getting fed up so he gives it one more go before he gives up.........
“Is your wife perhaps, a nagger ?” ...................

“No she’s white an all. But the f**kin’ baby’s a nagger............. that’s why oi wants a divorce!!!”

:laugh: :grin: :grin:
:grin: :grin: :grin:

Offline bzqtang

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A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Offline green_rizla

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A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

That was good ............... made I larf  :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
If everything seems under control, then you aren\\\'t going fast enough.<br />(Mario Andretti)<br /><br />MK4 GTI 1.8 Turbo - Jazz Blue <br />Recaro Interior and all the electric stufff !!!!

Offline Mk1Mad J - 16v

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #607 on: 08 June 2010, 17:20 »
Tips on how to masturbate;

If you're a girl

1) Get something small if it's your first time, like a lip gloss container. Make sure it's got a rounded tip.
2) Put a little water on it.
3) Get yourself on the ground or your bed. Make sure you're comfortable.
4) Put your feet up on somthing. Make sure they are higher than your head. Spread your legs.
5) For the ultimate experience, relax first. Just lay there. Think about nothing. And DONT BE NERVOUS.
6) Slowly begin to touch your breasts. Feel them (have your eyes closed or open but if they are open make sure you're not focusing on anything)
7) Keep one hand on your breast and slowly move the other one down to your thigh.  Move your hand up and down your thigh while massaging your breast.
8 ) With your breast hand, slowly take the lip gloss container or your object of choice. You clit might start to get a weird feeling like you really want to touch it. DON'T.
9) Tease yourself with the object by gently rubbing the spot between your poophole and girl thingy. This will drive you nuts. Slowly begin to touch and massage the part right above the hole. (I suggest you know where it is before you start all this.)
10) Rub for a while. Gently, occasionally harder but not too hard yet.
11) At this point you should be aching to rub harder and just get going. Again, don't. If you do not feel this yet, continue the teasing, very gently.
12) Slowly move your fingers to the hole, don't put them in, but just finger it softly.
13) Take your object and place it near the hole and your other hand. Take your free hand off the hole and start to massage your clit harder. (that's the spot above the hole)
14) Slowly stick the object in. Gently, it shouldn't feel good yet. It might hurt a small amount going in. That means you've bumped a sensitive spot. That's not a bad thing, just angle it a little and keep going.
15) Once it's in as far as it can be without losing it to your pussy, begin slowly moving it in and out a little. Don't take it all the way out, just a little. Get faster, and faster. Start massaging your clit HARD. Go nuts. You might feel like your on the brink of an orgasm. You might have one. This feels very good.
16) Then stick it in all the way and start pushing it back and forth hitting the sides of your hole. Faster, faster. Massage clit again.
17) Repeat steps 15 and 16 as much as you want. If you take it out for longer than 30 sec, I suggest you excite yourself again with the teasing. If you do, it will be worse. Since you have already done it, you're going to want it worse.
18) I would stop with the lip gloss for now, don't go on to something bigger. Save that for another night. You could be sore after this but you shouldn't be unless you used somthing large.

If you're a boy

1)Read above
2)Rub knob

"Ever since I started to surf, I have realized that golf is for people who don't know how to surf."  -- Tiger Woods.

my dub project:-
http://www.golfgtiforum.co.uk/index.php?topic=35338.0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WyEUOoH_xxo

Offline justalex81

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #608 on: 08 June 2010, 20:30 »
how do you make a kid cry twice?

use his teddy to rub the blood off your cock. . . . . .

i'll get my coat  :lipsrsealed:

Offline ENERGY

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #609 on: 08 June 2010, 20:43 »
how do you make a kid cry twice?

use his teddy to rub the blood off your cock. . . . . .

i'll get my coat  :lipsrsealed:

that is wrong m8