Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!

[Neo Badness]

What do you call a Russian man with 3 testicles...?


Huejeh Nicabollockov












(Who'd you nick a bollock off)

[JC]

having to explain your own jokes  not good 

[barry-gti]

having to explain your own jokes  not good 

Its for all the simpletons!

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?







Cliff.

What do you call him when you give him a coat hanger?











Cliff hanger 

[Neo Badness]

Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are traveling together through remote alpine village and they need to find a hotel.
Being late at night the go the only hotel for miles and ask for three rooms.
Unfortunately there is only one room available and its a double. Not put off they agree to share the room with the Scotsman and Englishman sleeping up the bed and the Irishman in the middle sleeping down the bed.

At breakfast the next morning the Englishman says to his companions " I had this brilliantly vivid dream of this sexy woman wanking me off l", the Scotman replies "Aye, me too". The Irishman looks at them both and says "Strange, I dreamt I was skiing..."

[MrBounce]

I still remember playtime at school - a bit of footy in the playground, sneaking a quick cigarette and trying to finger girls behind the bike sheds.

Damn I miss that caretaker's job 

[paul69]

Little Tommy walks into his parents room and finds Dad going at Mum hammer and tongs from behind. His Dad just winks and gives him a thumps- up. An hour later Dad hears noises from Tommy's room and goes to investigate. He opens the door and sees Tommy going hammer and tongs at his Nan from behind. Dad screams " Tommy! What are you doing?" Tommy replies" See? Not so funny when its your Mum is it?"

[warnesey333]

Little Tommy walks into his parents room and finds Dad going at Mum hammer and tongs from behind. His Dad just winks and gives him a thumps- up. An hour later Dad hears noises from Tommy's room and goes to investigate. He opens the door and sees Tommy going hammer and tongs at his Nan from behind. Dad screams " Tommy! What are you doing?" Tommy replies" See? Not so funny when its your Mum is it?"

Bloody brilliant.

[simonpolly]

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane and as such have gone for a holiday back to the place where they first met.
While sitting at a cafe the little old man says "remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works and I gave you one from behind". "Why yes I remember it well dear." Replies the little old lady with a grin. "Well for old times sake, lets go there again and i`ll give you one from behind.
The two old pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing seeing two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows the pensioners.
Sure enough he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady`s hips and the little old lady then leans forward and grabs the fence for support.
Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old lady at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur and they do not stop for a single second.
Finally they collapse and don't move for an hour.
The young man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this, not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could sh*g like that now, let alone in fifty years time! The two old pensioners by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage the man approaches the pensioner. He says "sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody sh*g like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you sh*g like that fifty years ago? The pensioner replies " son, fifty years ago that ****ing fence wasn`t electrified

[paul69]

Two couples go away for the weekend. The guys, Steve and Bill, persuade their wives to swap partners for the night. The guys secretly agree that at breakfast they'll tap their teaspoon on the side of their cup, one tap for each time they had sex with the other's wife.
That night Steve skips upstairs knowing that it's his wife's time of the month, so he's got one over on Bill.
Next morning, a smug Steve taps his spoon three times on his cup but is shocked when Bill yawns, picks up his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and three times on the Nutella!!!

[simonpolly]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a
Passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and
Started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was
Giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's
Face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped
Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs...'

Mummy fainted!

Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story
Before you interrupt!