Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!

[haf1zur]

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck
up my backside." "...How's that?"
"Don't you start." (someone please explain this one to me lol!)

According to the Laws of Cricket, an appeal is a verbal query, usually in the form of, "How's that?" to an umpire. Since the taking of a wicket is an important event in the game, members of the fielding team often shout this phrase with great enthusiasm, and it has transmuted into the slightly abbreviated form, "Howzat?", often with a greatly extended final syllable. Most players also raise their arms or point at the umpire as part of the appeal. Some players have established their own trademark appeals as well.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Appeal_(cricket)

[asif]

A joke explained is a joke ruined

[simonpolly]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[MrBounce]

Young lad pulls an older woman at a club. She's 56 but looks very good for her age. On the way back to her house the bloke is thinking to himself "Hmmm I bet her daughter is seriously hot too!"

Just then out of the blue, the woman turns to him and asks

"Would you like a Sportsman's Double?"

"What's that?" asks the young man.

"It's a Mother & Daughter threesome!" replied the woman.

"Oh HELL yeah I would!!!" he eagerly replies.

So as they go in through the front door, he is trembling with excitement and can barely contain himself.

She puts the hall light on and shouts

"Mum! Are you still awake???!!!"

[asif]

Do you ever worry about the NHS at all? You should -

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow


1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

[Jack3559]

Why does Prince Charles have Big Ears?















Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.

[simonpolly]

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie are all walking together one day..

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ' POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Aussie says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Aussie sits down , cracks a beer, lights a cigarette,
smiles and says,

'Fill the f#cker's with water.'

[Ant1981]

Being English.

Being English is about driving to work in a German car, going to an Irish pub after work for a Belgian beer, then on the way home grabbing an Indian or a kebab from the Turkish takeaway, the sitting on a Sweedish sofa watching American shows on a Japanese tv. And most of all being suspicious of anything foreign. Oh, and only in England can you get a pizza to your home quicker than an ambulance. Only in England do banks leave the front doors open, yet chain the pens to the desks, supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the store to get to the chemist, yet people can get their ciggarettes from the front.

We might be English, but boy are we funny!

[Dave_IOW]

Being English.

Being English is about driving to work in a German car, going to an Irish pub after work for a Belgian beer, then on the way home grabbing an Indian or a kebab from the Turkish takeaway, the sitting on a Sweedish sofa watching American shows on a Japanese tv. And most of all being suspicious of anything foreign. Oh, and only in England can you get a pizza to your home quicker than an ambulance. Only in England do banks leave the front doors open, yet chain the pens to the desks, supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the store to get to the chemist, yet people can get their ciggarettes from the front.

We might be English, but boy are we funny!

Wow, how true 

[Neo Badness]

Being English.

Being English is about driving to work in a German car, going to an Irish pub after work for a Belgian beer, then on the way home grabbing an Indian or a kebab from the Turkish takeaway, the sitting on a Sweedish sofa watching American shows on a Japanese tv. And most of all being suspicious of anything foreign. Oh, and only in England can you get a pizza to your home quicker than an ambulance. Only in England do banks leave the front doors open, yet chain the pens to the desks, supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the store to get to the chemist, yet people can get their ciggarettes from the front.

We might be English, but boy are we funny!

  Substitute English for British and you've hit the nail pretty much on the head there