Author Topic: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!  (Read 140949 times)

Offline Len

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #530 on: 17 February 2010, 16:22 »
Mystic Blue Mk3 16v + Black Mk5 Gti 05 plate + Peugeot 405 Mi16

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dubcheryl

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Offline simonpolly

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #532 on: 17 February 2010, 18:51 »
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood, he parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to pizz off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats swooping behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed, all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.



"Good for you!" said the bat, "Because last time I f'king didn't."
Golfgti build quality is average at best.

Offline simonpolly

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #533 on: 18 February 2010, 21:31 »
john O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
me life! Between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night
at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep,
and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come
Golfgti build quality is average at best.

Offline CHRIS_MC

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #534 on: 18 February 2010, 21:49 »
What do u call a man in the bushes?


Russel.

4 asylumn seekers were found dead in the back of a tesco arctic truck at Dover.






Every little helps.

Offline luke

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #535 on: 18 February 2010, 22:00 »
What do u call a man in the bushes?


Russel.

4 asylumn seekers were found dead in the back of a tesco arctic truck at Dover.






Every little helps.


2 asylum seekers driving in a vauxhall zafira accidently drove off a cliff, police said this was a terrible accident as the zafira was capable of seating 7..
sorry
1985 mk2 gti type 19 8v
2018 t roc sel 1.6tdi

Offline Dave_IOW

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #536 on: 18 February 2010, 22:15 »
Man walks into a sex shop and asks about the various sex toys he could buy.

Shopkeeper says, 'the inflatable dolls are selling well at the minute'.

Man says 'ok, sounds good to me'.

Shopkeeper says 'we do two different types, an english one and a muslim one'.

Man is confused and asks 'whats the difference?'

Shopkeeper replies 'the muslim one blows itself up when you get it home!'


Sorry if has been said before, to many pages to trawl through
Project: Mk2 20vT trackslag
Daily: Mk2 GTI typ19

Offline Jay

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #537 on: 19 February 2010, 11:23 »
Heard about the Gay man with a nut allergy?  :lipsrsealed:
Passat B5.5 2.3 V5 170, with all the extras.

Want some online storage? Click here to sign up for a Dropbox account.

But for the purest engine experience, displacement has no replacement. All other methods are simply attempts to artificially recreate the benefits of displacement.

Offline haf1zur

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #538 on: 19 February 2010, 13:46 »
What happened when the man with no arms tried to masturbate?
He was stumped.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a gully?
Rocky

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a field of marijuana?
Bud

What do you call an electrician with no arms and no legs?
Sparky

What do you call a plumber with no arms and no legs?
Wet

What do you call a cat with no legs?
Dogfood

What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter. He won't come when you call him anyway.

What do you call two guys with no arms or legs hanging over your window?
Curt n' Rod

What was the name of the limbless guy that fell in the fire?
Bernie

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs burried 6 feet under?
Doug

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs burried 3 feet under?
Douglas

What do you call a man with no arms, no legs and no torso?
Dick

What do you call a legless and armless boy on a baseball team?
First base

What was the name of the limbless guy that was boiled by cannibals?
Stu

What was the name of the limbless girl who was stuck on a femce?
Barb

What was the name of the limbless guy that worked at the soda plant?
Tab

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs that sits on top of a podium?
Mike

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs under your car?
Jack

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?
Art

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of your door?
Matt

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your mail box?
Bill

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs water-skiing?
Skip

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs rolling around on the beach?
Sandy

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hole in the ground?
Phil

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs trying to hold-up a bank?
Rob

What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other, married to a politician?
Tipper

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs on a dirt road?
Dusty

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who left a smudge on your floor?
Mark

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs that just fell out of a boat?
Bob

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs flying over a fence?
Homer

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting on a grill?
Frank

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs sitting on a grill?
Patty

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting in a pile of leaves?
Russell

Offline Chicken McFat

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #539 on: 20 February 2010, 08:17 »
The Worlds worst joke...


A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley with a large tank full of various species, and the man examines the dishes.

"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "An excellent choice, they have a delicate, mild flavour." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"

A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.

Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that little green squid with the hairy lip!"

The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.
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That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"




Hahaha great!!!