Author Topic: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!  (Read 140795 times)

Offline asif

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #560 on: 09 March 2010, 11:58 »
Being English.

Being English is about driving to work in a German car, going to an Irish pub after work for a Belgian beer, then on the way home grabbing an Indian or a kebab from the Turkish takeaway, the sitting on a Sweedish sofa watching American shows on a Japanese tv. And most of all being suspicious of anything foreign. Oh, and only in England can you get a pizza to your home quicker than an ambulance. Only in England do banks leave the front doors open, yet chain the pens to the desks, supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the store to get to the chemist, yet people can get their ciggarettes from the front.

We might be English, but boy are we funny!

 :grin: Substitute English for British and you've hit the nail pretty much on the head there :grin:

Very true also funny.
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Offline luke

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #561 on: 09 March 2010, 12:16 »
a blonde goes into her doctor and the doctor suddenly says
"whats happened to your ears"
the blonde replys "well the phone rang as i was doing the ironing, i tried to answer the iron by accident"
"oh, so why is your other ear red?"
"i tried to ring the ambulance with my other ear"
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Offline simonpolly

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #562 on: 11 March 2010, 18:54 »
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'
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Offline MrBounce

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #563 on: 12 March 2010, 20:51 »
Distraught girl from Norfolk writes in to the Jeremy Kyle show:

"Dear Jeremy. I am 15 years old and have not had a baby yet. Does this mean my brothers are infertile?"


Keeping schtum. Mostly.

Offline simonpolly

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #564 on: 13 March 2010, 18:08 »
You are invited to the Premature Ejaculation Society's Dinner Dance this weekend. There's no dress code - Just come in your pants
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Offline barry-gti

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #565 on: 24 March 2010, 09:50 »
i was going through a couple of magazines down the local mosque the other day. I was really enjoying myself...


...And then the rifle jammed

Offline Adam88

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #566 on: 24 March 2010, 19:54 »
Being English.

Being English is about driving to work in a German car, going to an Irish pub after work for a Belgian beer, then on the way home grabbing an Indian or a kebab from the Turkish takeaway, the sitting on a Sweedish sofa watching American shows on a Japanese tv. And most of all being suspicious of anything foreign. Oh, and only in England can you get a pizza to your home quicker than an ambulance. Only in England do banks leave the front doors open, yet chain the pens to the desks, supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the store to get to the chemist, yet people can get their ciggarettes from the front.

We might be English, but boy are we funny!

 :grin: Substitute English for British and you've hit the nail pretty much on the head there :grin:

Very true also funny.

 :undecided: not that funny. most those things are true in MOST countries
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Offline simonpolly

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #567 on: 04 April 2010, 19:20 »

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
The Power of Alcohol


A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!"
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay .. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop! Two arms pop out.


The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!"
The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,



*


*
(Wait for it.)


*


*


*
(It's coming.)


*


*
(Ya ready?)


*


*


* (Don't hate me!)


*


*


* (Yer gonna hate me!)


*


*


* (Take a deep breath)


*


*


*
" He should've quit while he was a head!"
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Offline Shady Pioneer

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #568 on: 04 April 2010, 19:26 »
 :grin: That's so sad but oddly amusing.

Offline robz

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #569 on: 05 April 2010, 21:31 »
pmsl, pub joke.... literally, lol :D


Believe me its a dead ringer for you! Even says something stupid!