A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.The librarian says; "Fcuk off, you won't bring it back."
My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood. We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fcuking red mark on her forehead.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine...I turned a whole student loan into Vodka once. Your move Jesus...
I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."Unbelievable what some people are into.
A girl in a bar said to me, "I wouldn't fcuk you if you were the last person alive."Leaning over and whispering, I replied, "But who would be around to stop me?"Wiped the smug look off her face.
I don't understand why women want to be equal when they could be better. That shows a lack of ambition to me. Which is why men are better.
Lady in labour, shouting the usual sh!t, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fcuker!"He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, 'fcuk off it'll be too painful.'"
What do America's 300,000 battered women have in common?They just wouldn't fcuking listen.
The homeless problem would be solved if the Big Issue had tits in it.
