Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!

[moutains]

guy in hospital both feet in bandages mate comes to see him asks him what happened he said i bought a can of meat and it said to cook stand in boiling water for 10 mins.

[p11jon]

long one sorry!!! : A couple go into a french restaurent,the type with a fish tank in the corner to pick your meal out of. the french waiter jevais goes over and asks wat they might like to eat. the couple look into the tank and say they fancy something different to fish so they have a good look in the tank and ask jevais 'wats that under that rock?' jevais replies'u dnt want that!' that's a Green Hairy Lipped Squid!', the couple say'We do, we fancy a change' . reluctantly jevais fishes out with a net the strange creature. he takes it to the cook and goes off to serve the other customers. some time passes and the couple get restless and ask Jevais where there meal is. so he goes to see wats taking the cook so long. in the kitchen the chef has a big knife in his hand and the hairy lipped squid cornered on the worktop ready to stab it.jevais says 'wats wrong why havent u killed it and cooked it?', the cook says'look at its eyes the way its looking at me i cannot kill it'. jevais says'this is no good i will do it if u wont u big panzy!'jevais chases it round and corners it aswell but the creature gives him the sad eyes and jevais cant bring himself to kill it.the customers are by now getting quite worried about the time their food is taking so jevais says' i know who will kill it,' old Hanz,the dish washer!'.so off goes jevais to fetch Hanz. along he comes and he chases the creature around the worktop untill he to corners the beast. but it was no good he had the same eyes looking up at him making him feel bad.'i cant do it either' he says.'look at his cute eyes im sorry i cannot kill it'. this just goes to show that to make Hanz that does dishes feel as soft as Jervais use a Mild Green Hairy Lipped Squid 

Joke fixed.

[VR6_Wherry]

A Polish immigrant went to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: C Z W I X N O S T A C Z. “Can you read this?” the optician asked. “Read it?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the guy.”

[MrBounce]

I've booked a table for me and the Mrs on Valentine's Day. Trouble is I know it's all gonna end in tears as she f***ing hates snooker...

[2001gti4]

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and realised she was just on standby.

Just Fostered a Muslim kid.
All 4 cans hit him right on the back of the head.

Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke
All I said was, "golly you're tall.".

They've had to cancel the panto 'jack & the beanstalk',in Birmingham , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley , Leicester & Luton:
because the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

Muslim have gone on the rampage in Bradford , killing anyone who's English.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.

[Jay]

My wife asked me to take her somewhere expensive for Valentine's Day... apparantly the petrol station isn't what she had on mind.

[mongchops]

At the end of a tiny deserted bar in Liverpool sat a Scouser. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the Scouser.
Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the Scouser leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the sh!t out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the Scouser, and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?"
"I don't know," the Scouser replied. "Something about a job."

[MrBounce]

Dear Egyptian Rioters,

Please do not damage the Pyramids - we will not rebuild.

Signed

The Jews

[MrBounce]

Just read a sign that made me p!ss myself.

It said "Toilets Closed"

[gti genty]

whats pink and covvered in dust



















madalie mc canns bike