Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!

[Carley]

BY FAR THE BEST ENGINE IN THE WORLD IS A FANNY...
IT PULLS ANYTHING
TAKES ANY SIZE PISTON
SELF LUBRICATES
STARTS WITH 1 FINGER
& EVERY 4 WEEKS DOES ITS OWN OIL CHANGE...

ITS JUST A PITY THE MANAGEMENT SYSTEM IS SO POXY TEMPERAMENTAL! 

[Matty-MK3]

BY FAR THE BEST ENGINE IN THE WORLD IS A FANNY...
IT PULLS ANYTHING
TAKES ANY SIZE PISTON
SELF LUBRICATES
STARTS WITH 1 FINGER
& EVERY 4 WEEKS DOES ITS OWN OIL CHANGE...

ITS JUST A PITY THE MANAGEMENT SYSTEM IS SO POXY TEMPERAMENTAL! 

Tea on laptop!

All professionals are dirty, I mean look:

The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."

The Dentist because he says, "Open wide."

The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"

The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"

The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you’ll love it."

The Banker because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest."

The Police Officer because he says, "Spread ’em."

The Mailman because he always delivers his package.

The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

[Carley]

I accidentally sent a picture of my dick to everyone in my address book today.

Not only was it really embarrassing, it also cost me a fortune in stamps.

[mumbles]

why do old ladies not get the smear test??....


have you ever tried opening a cheese toastie?? 

[MrBounce]

My uncle was a rubbish ventriloquist.

He kept putting his fingers up my 4rse and then telling me not to say anything...

[Dinky]

*copied from a deleted thread on here*

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 -year-old son playing with his new electric train in the livingroom.
 
 She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of you sons of b!tches who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b!tches who are getting on, get your asses on the train...cause we're going down the tracks.'
 
 The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language.'
 
 Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say...'All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.'
 
 She heard her little darling continue...'For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
 
 As the mother began to smile, the child added, 'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b!tch in the kitchen.'

[Dinky]

Copied...

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding' me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting' laid!

ATTORNEY: She had 3 children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None .
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney.. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law

[luke]

2 nuns driving down the road, a vampire jumps on the bonnet and one nun turns to the other and says show him your cross, then she turns around and shouts f*ck off!




what's orange and sings opera?


Lesley Carrot.


why did the boy take a ladder to school?


because he thought it was a high school.


what's brown and sticky?


dog poo.




okay i know, bad ones..

[luke]

2 nuns driving down the road, a vampire jumps on the bonnet and one nun turns to the other and says show him your cross, then she turns around and shouts f*ck off!




what's orange and sings opera?


Lesley Carrot.


why did the boy take a ladder to school?


because he thought it was a high school.


what's brown and sticky?


dog poo.




okay i know, bad ones..

time to get get your coat sir.... 

coats on, doors open 

if you can tell us another propper good one you can stay... 

hah, some from my phone then...

got a liverpool advent calendar, windows been boarded up and the chocolate has been nicked..


a strange object was found in a car in hammersmith yesterday, police soon recognised this object as a tax disc..


a man has been found dead in the thames river wearing a chelsea shirt, sex toy rammed up his rear end and stockings and high heels, police removed the chelsea shirt to relieve the family of any embarisment..


good enough for you sir?

[ade1703]

I'm not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected that special resin into her crack.....she hasn't even got a car!!

 

I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Gran's dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

 

Matt Lucas's ex-partner hanged himself this week. Matt is said to be distraught but on a lighter note, is now the only gay in the village.

 

A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom.

" Holy F**k" she screams "And YOU want ME to see a doctor about sucking my thumb...!!

 

Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.

A man asks "What's wrong?"

Boy says "Me Ma is dead"

"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"

Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."

 

 ***    Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" . The girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after. She went shopping, drank vodka with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a wardrobe full of shoes and bags, stayed skinny and was never farted upon. The End.

 

Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. Told them to " F**k Off". Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!

 

 

Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.

 

Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?

 

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think " I'm having that!"

 

Man lost in a hot air ballon over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?"

The Irish farmer looks up and  shouts back "You can't kid me ya b ' stard, you're in that feckin basket!"

 

Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.

Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"

Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"

CLICK,BANG

Paddy "OK, done that, what next?