Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!

[bertmort8]

female dwarf goes to the docs complaining of a sore fanny
doc gets some srissors and snips round abit
dwarf then says wow doc that feels alot better, what did you do

doc says ive trimmed the top off your wellies

oh dear   

[johnsgti]

Stephen Gatelys boyfriend woke up to the biggest stiffy ever this morning.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Police have revealed that Steven Gatley may have died of a boxing related injury,
a Police spokesman said "he had taken a right pounding in the ring"

_____________________________________________________________________________

There was a wee singer called Gately, who hasn't been singing much lately. After a
bottle of rum and a cock up his bum, his trip to the sun ended fatally.

[bertmort8]

dont you just hate them people that come knocking your door asking you to 'donate' to charity

id just about had enough and was ready to go mental when ...

i had a woman yesterday wanting donations of sperm

I gave her a right mouthful

[MrBounce]

Asked what she thought of the turnout at her latest signing in London. Leona Lewis replaied "I was gobsmacked!"

Sorry... 

[Neo Badness]

Man hears knock at the door, opens it to find a wee snail on the doorstep. Man bends down and pings snail, snail goes flying.

Few weeks later there's a knock at the door, it's the snail again and he says to the man "What the fcuk was all that about?".

[Guy]

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
 
The girl said, 'NO!'
 
 
 
 
 
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing
and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons
of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
 
The End

[Neo Badness]

Man dies and goes to hell.

Demon gives him the option to pick his first tortue.

Behind door number one there's flames

Behind door number two there's boiling tar

Behind door number three there's a busty blonde sucking a guy off.

Man hesitates, then says "erm, door number three please."

Demon says "times up blondie, this guy'll take it from here..."

[johnsgti]

Its goin to be a fab xmas in heaven, Steven Gately singing the carols, Patrick Swayzee leading the dancing,
Keith Floyd cooking lunch and Jacko playing with the kids! 

[Gazdebaz]

I kept them all alive didn’t I, says Mum-of-the-Year nominee Jordan


Katie Price has been nominated for Celebrity Mum of the Year after successfully keeping all of her children alive for the duration of 2009.

Price made the final short-list after meeting the minimum requirement of ending the year with no fewer children than she started it.

Other short-listed mums include Jade goody who is likely secure a number of votes, despite only performing well in the first half of the year.

The short-list has received criticism from those parents who point out they would rather leave their children in the care of a pack of wolves than some of the nominees.

“I”d rather sign my four-year old son up for a five-year tour in the Helmand province than let him spend the weekend in the care of that perma-tanned fame-addled slapper.” said Jane Potter, 29.

Role-model
An award spokeswoman said, “We looked for strong positive maternal role models, and when we couldn’t find any we short-listed whoever we thought would give us the most publicity.”

“Like all good mums, she lets her hair down when she needs to, but no more than most other mothers who go out six or seven times a week.”

“We also applaud her selection of nannies for the children which limits her actual contact with the impressionable children.”

“She is clearly raising the type of well-rounded young people you would expect - considering she swapped their father for a man who spends his days beating up other men in cages.”

“We also note that during the year she has not lost, injured or killed any of her children, and for that success alone, we recognise her with this nomination.”

“What? Did you say she SINGS to the children at night?  Christ, someone get me the election committee, right now!”

[spicer]

Sorry if this has gone up already

A couple had been happily married for years; the only friction in their relationship was that the husband farted a lot,
He would fart at night at wake both himself and his wife up, she would say to him, ''one day you will fart your guts out'', ''nah nah that’s impossible, go back to sleep''
This happens once or twice a week. One day the wife is up early to prepare the Christmas turkey, she's working hard plucking and gutting it ready for the celebration,
She looks at the bowl of guts on the table and has an idea,
She creeps up the stairs and into their bedroom and stands next to her sleeping husband,
She pulls back his waistband and slowly pours the contents of the bowl down into his pyjamas,
Struggling not to laugh she creeps back down the stairs and continues to prepare the turkey,

At 7:00 on the dot she hears her husband wake, followed by his usual trumpeting,
After 30secs she hears scampering feet as he rushes into the bathroom,
A couple of minutes pass until she hears feet coming down the stairs,
She sticks her head round the corner of the kitchen and asks if he feels ok, ''you look as white as a sheet'',
He looks at her, trembling, and eventually mumbles ''you were right, i actually farted my guts out'',
''but don’t worry, two fingers and a pot of vaseline and i got most of them back in again''