Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!

[Jonnys07]

How does a welshman find a sheep in a field?


Irresistable!

[mongchops]

A Welshman finally makes his fortune and is having his dream house bulit. As he talks to the architect on how he wants the house built he says, 'See that tree there, don't cut it down because under that tree I made love for the first time.'

The architect says he understands the sentimental value of the tree and he will design the house so that the tree isn't harmed.

Then the man says, 'And you see that tree over there, I don't want it cut either, because her mother stood there and watched as we made love.'

The architect could hardly believe his ears,'That's incredible, what did her mother say?'

To which the man replies,'Baaaaaa.''









Wales.

Where men are men, and sheep are nerveous




A Welshman and his dog are shipwrecked onto a deserted island. After a few days he decides to reconnoiter the island. He discovers that the only other inhabitants are sheep. He recalls how his farm buddies would brag how they would screw sheep for kicks and he says to himself: 'I'll never be that desperate.'

Sooooo, a few days later he can't get those sheep out of his mind, and soon he's sneaking up on the flock. Just as he is about to pounce on a really cute one, the dog grabs his leg and won't let go. He snaps to, and thanks the dog for keeping him from making a fool of himself. This same scene happens every night for a month and the guy is really getting pissed at the dog.

Suddenly one day, the man spies a liferaft bobbing in the surf. In the raft is a beautiful young girl, half dead but alive. He takes her back to his hut revives her and nurses her to health. After a few days the girl is feeling fine, and that evening a rush of gratitude sweeps over her....

She confronts the man: 'I owe you my life. I'm yours forever. I'll do anything you want'

'Anything?'

'Anything!!'

'OK, hold that dog for ten minutes!!!'


 

[clipperjay]

 Four business men are having a relaxing sauna,
They start to talk about technology and the latest gadgets they have on them.
The English chap starts talking to his writs and he boasts about the latest chip and talk implant so he never looses communication with his workers.
The Scottish man starts blinking rapidly, everyone asks Jock what have you got?
He replied I can surf the net anytime I wish. I have an implant on my eyes so I can see and web brows with a flicker of an eyelid.
The welsh man starts to unscrew his foot off. 
What have you got Taffy I've got a new foot implant it’s a total wireless communication device look flat screen on the sole. WOW..!!! Everyone mutters.

The Irish guy starts to feel uncomfortable with all these latest gadgets his friends have and goes out then suddenly comes back in, everyone stared at him and asked
“Paddy you have paper still stuck on your arse it’s along piece mate.”
The Irish guy turns around as says,






"Bejevius would you believe it, I've got a fax coming through!”

[mongchops]

How many men does it take to mop a floor?
None. It's a woman's job.

How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None
Let the b!tch cook in the dark!


A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what's the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father ponders for a moment and then answered "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid and also ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid, then come back and tell me what you've learned".
So the boy went to his mother and asked "Mum would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid?" The mother replied, "Definitely, I wouldn't pass an opportunity like that." The boy then went to his older sister and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid?" The girl replied "Oh gosh, I would just love to do that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity."
The boy then thought about it for a few days, and went back to his father. His father asked him "Did you find the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on 2 million quid, but realistically we're living with two slappers.
"The father replied, "That's my boy."


Why does it take two gay men to rape a girl?
One holds her down while the other does her hair.


What's red and orange and looks good on Taffs?
Fire.

Q: What's the best part about 6 year old girls?
A: After you're done with them, you can turn them over and use them as 6 year-old boys!

An elderly man is driving down the M1 when his mobile rings.Answering it,he hears his wife on the other end.
"albert",she says,"please be careful when you`re driving back. I just heard on the radio
that there`s a maniac on the M1. he`s driving the wrong way!"
"its not just one" albert replies,"There`s f*cking hundreds of them!"

 

[mongchops]

whats the difference between a blonde and a walrus?

one has fishy flaps and whiskers and the other is a walrus.

 

[mongchops]

A man walks into a pub with his monkey.He orders a pint and sits down to drink it.while he`s sitting at the bar,his monkey is out of control.It jumps up on the pool table and eats the cue ball.The landlord runs up to the man and says,"Did you see what your stupid monkey just did?"
"No, what did the stupid f**k*r do this time?" says the man.
"He just ate the cue ball!" shouts the landlord.
"I hope it kills the stupid bastard," says the man.
About two weeks later,the man comes backto the pub with his monkey.while he`s drinking at the bar,his monkey is agaian out of control.The monkey finds a grape at the bar,picks it upsticks it up his arse,and then eats it.
The landlord,having seen this,asks the man:"Did you see what your sick monkey just did?"
"No",says the man.
"He just stuck a grape up his arse and ate it," the landlord tells him.
"Well,what do you expect?"asks the man."Since that pool ball he measures everything first!"

 

[mongchops]

While enjoying a drink with his mate one night,ryan decides to try his luck with an attractive lady sitting by the bar.She lets him join her for a drink and to his surprise asks him to accompany him home.They spend the night hard at it.Finally they finish;Ryan rolls off,pulls out a cigarette and looks for his lighter.
He asks his new love if she has a light.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer",she replies.
Opening the drawer he finds some matches on top of a framed photo of another man.Naturally he begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he enquires nervously.
"No,silly" she replies.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No",she replirs,snuggling up to him.
"Who is he then?"
"Thats me,before the operation!"

 

[mongchops]

Fred rings his boss at work and says "Look, i'm really sorry,but i can't come to work today,i'm sick".
"Sick!" screams his boss "Sick! This is the tenth time this month, Fred. Exactly how sick are you?"
"Well",replies Fred."I`m in bed with my 9 year old sister"

 

[clipperjay]

This rich man having a conversation with his 17 year old boy.
Well son its your birthday what do you want?
Well Da Da I've always wanted a Ferrari F40 fully loaded!
Well son I'll make a deal with you if your dick can touch your arse I'll buy you one son.
Well months go by and his son starts to stretch his knob harder and harder everyday until it starts to sag so far down it just touches his ass with a woody.

Da Da look my dick can finally reach my arse, can I have the Ferrari?









Father: Well done son now and go and f*ck yourself!"

[linz]

Kids - What can we do with them

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A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principals office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: " What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps in to?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principals eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......