Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!

[mongchops]

Why don't black people go on cruises?

They're not falling for that one again.

 

[mongchops]

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men".
So he stabbed her & nicked her purse.

 

[mongchops]

My girlfriend said I've got the biggest cock she'd ever seen,
That's one of the benefits of going out with a six year old.

 

[Jonnys07]

What's the difference between your c*ck and your payslip?


Your wife will always blow your payslip!

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Which is the odd one out? eggs, meat, wife, blowjob?


You can beat eggs, beat meat, even beat your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob!

[gangeox]

2 fish in a tank one says to the other "how the f@^k  do you drive this thing?"

[Chris 'N' Jen]

The Poopie List

GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet.

CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.

SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.

POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.

DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait are the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.

GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.

WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.

THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!

[dabill]

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry It!


What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.


What are the three fastest means of communication?

1) Internet

2) Telephone

3) Telawoman


How are fat girls and mopeds alike?

They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.


How do you p*ss off a female archaeologist??

Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.


How is a woman like a condom?

Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.


What should you give a woman who has everything?

A man to show her how to work it.


Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.


How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.


Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

Because they don't have balls to scratch.


 

Why do women fake orgasms ?

Because they think men care.


What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, she's been told twice already.


If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have

you done wrong?

Made her chain too long


How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.


Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably

never be able to support you.


Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer

to the kitchen sink.


How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'


How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.


Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required

pressure.


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the

front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.


What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told


I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.


Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by

90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.


Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.


Women will never be equal to men...

until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and

still think they are sexy.


In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[Chris 'N' Jen]

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:


'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.


Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.


After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.
Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.

****************************** *
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

****************************** *
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register
and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

[Alpinehead]

A plumber was caught having sex with one of the queens dogs whilst at work in buckingham palace.. Police have released him with no charge as he is corgi registered.....


Does anyone want to buy a set of encyclopedias, 45 in the set and nearly new.... Dont need them any more as recently got married and the wife knows f...... everything.....


A man pinched his wifes bum and said firm that up and you could get rid of your girdle.. Later he squeezes her boobs and says firm them up and you wouldnt need a bra.. Later on she grabs his privates and says firm that up and i wouldnt need the gardener, milkman, postman or your brother


An eskimo is on holiday in wales and his car breaks down.. He calls the aa out and the guy looks under his bonnet."You have blown a seal" he tells the eskimo..
"so what your people sleep with sheep now whats up with my car" he replies



If people from Poland are called Poles,then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?


 If 4/5 people SUFFER from diahorrea... Does that mean that one enjoys it?

[bigman_10]

what do you call a chav in a box,

init


saddest thing in the world:
put a bomb in a wheel chair and saying leg-it!



how did the blonde die raking leaves?

she fell out the tree



what do you say if you wake up in the middle of the night and see your tv floating in mid air?

drop it nigger




what noise does a policemans motorbike make???

run-nigger-nigger-nigger, run-nigger-nigger-nigger