Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!

[Chris 'N' Jen]

One day Kyle's dad brought home a robot. The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.
Kyle returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son why are you late from school?"
Kyle answered, "Dad, we had extra classes today".
Much to his astonishment the robot jumped up and slapped Kyle on his face.
His dad told him, "Son this robot is special in that it can detect a Lie and will then slap the person who lied. Now come on tell me the truth.
Why are you late?"
"Dad, I went to a movie"
"Which movie?"
"The Ten Commandments"
Immediately, Kyle got a slap on the face from the robot.
"Sorry Dad, I went to see the movie Sex Queen".
"Shame on you son, when I was your age I never watched obscene movies or misbehaved" Immediately, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.
Hearing the last sentence, Kyle's mother comes walking out of the kitchen and sarcastically says to her husband, "After all he is YOUR son!!!"
To which the robot steps up and gives Kyle's mother a resounding slap on her face!

[AlanD]

A Taliban suicide bomber pulls the plug and explodes... BOOM!!! A short while later he finds himself on a huge white staircase leading towards the heavens, so he starts climbing up. After an hour of hard climbing, he arrives at a landing where an old man in white robes with a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by ledgers.
 
"Excuse me sir" he says "are you Mohammed?" "No" replies the old man, "I am St Peter, Mohammed is further up the stairs". "But this is wonderful news" screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than St Peter! I can hardly believe it'.
 
With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After an hour or so of hard climbing he arrives at another landing. Standing on the landing is a serene looking man with long hair and a long white beard.
 
"Excuse me sir" he says "are you Mohammed?" "No" replies the old man, "I am Jesus, Mohammed is further up the stairs". "But this is amazing news" screams the bomber, "Mohammed is higher than Jesus! I can hardly believe it, martyrdom is wonderful!!"
 
With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After another hour or so of hard climbing he arrives on a huge landing. There, sitting on a magnificent throne is another old man, with flowing white robes, beard and long white hair.
 
"Excuse me sir" he says "are you Mohammed?" "No" replies the old man, "I am God." "But this is absolutely amazing news" screams the bomber, "Mohammed is higher than God! I am so happy I can't believe it, martyrdom is more than wonderful!"
 
"You look tired my son" said God, "would you like to sit down and rest a while?" "Oh yes" replied the bomber, "I am very tired and would love a rest before I carry on, thank you".
 
The bomber sits down and God says: "You look thirsty my son, would you like a cup of coffee?" "Oh yes please" replies the bomber, "I am most thirsty, thank you".
 
With this God turns and snaps his fingers and shouts "Oi, Mohammed, two coffees over here and make it snappy!!"

[mongchops]

What has Patrick Swayze and Heath Ledger got in common?

Nothing........Yet!

 

[mongchops]

Jewish man takes his wife to hospital, she has 2 black eyes, no teeth and a broken nose.

Doctor says, "What happened?"

Jew replies, "She was going through the change."

"What? The change? This doesn't happen in the change!"

"It does when it's in my f*cking pocket!"

 

[mongchops]

What does a black man say to a woman when he's making love to her??
"Scream and you die!"

 

[mongchops]

Patrick Swayze has agreed to star in the upcoming sequel Ghost 2

They start filming in about 5 weeks....

 

[mongchops]

Still no sign of Pakistan setting up an earthquake fund for Britain is there? I say, next time they have one, F*ck em!!!

[mongchops]

What's long and hard and makes women groan?

An Ironing Board.

 

[mongchops]

My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me to one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green, and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big f*cking red mark on her forehead.

 

[mongchops]

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.

Unfortunately, it's only for victims.