Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!

[GTi-Matt]

Subject: Morning sex


>
>
>
>                            She was in the kitchen preparing
>                              to boil eggs for breakfast.
>                              He walked in; She turned and said,
>                              You've got to make love to me this
>                              very moment."
>
>                              His eyes lit up and he thought,
>
>                              "This is my lucky day."
>                              Not wanting to lose the moment,
>                              he embraced her and then gave
>                              it his all;  right there on the kitchen
>                              table.
>                              Afterwards she said,      "Thanks,"
>                              and returned to the stove.
>
>                              More than a little puzzled, he asked,
>                              "What was that all about?"
>
>
>                      She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
>
>
>

[GTi-Matt]

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet.  As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.


The sign says: 

'SEX FROGS'

     

 Only $20 each!

 Comes with 'complete' instructions.



The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter,  'I'll TAKE one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her,  'Just follow the instructions!'

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully.  She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you,  and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens!   The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.   She re-reads the instructions and notices at the b ottom of the paper it says,  'If you have any problems or questions .  please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store.  The man says, 'I'll be right over.'   Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.   The blonde welcomes him in and says,  'See, I've done everything according to the instructions.  The damn frog just SITS there!'

The man . . .  looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:




'LISTEN TO ME!! 

I'm only going to show you how to do this

ONE ... MORE ... TIME!!!

[GTi-Matt]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.
�

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
�

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

[lan1510]

in an R.E lesson the teacher explaines to the children that they are all desendants of adam and eve.
at this point a child puts his hand up.
"yes" says the teacher "do you have a question?"

miss you sey we all come from adam and eve but my fayher told me we decended from apes!





teacher replies "yes leroy thats just your lot"

...

maxine is sitting at a bar alone,
a man walks up to her and asks "your very pretty, can i buy you a cocktail?"
"no thanks" says maxine "alcohol makes my legs go funny"
"oh" replies the man "does it make them swell?"
"no" she replies "it makes them spread"

...

if a long dunkie goes on a long prik, a short dunkie goes on a short prik what goes on a thick prik?


england rugby shirt

[Uruk Hai]

A Welsh lad came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play.

'Wonderful, 'replies his mother, 'what part is it?'

The boy says, 'I play the part of the Welsh husband.'

The mother scowls and says, 'Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part.'

[mongchops]

Two Taffs are walking down different ends of a street toward each
 other and one is carrying a sack.  When they meet, one says, "Hey
 Dai, what you got in the bag?" 
 "Just some chickens."
 "If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"
 "I'll give you both of them."
 "OK. Ummmmm......,  five?"

 

[mongchops]

Whats the difference between PITY and SHAME


Busload of Taffs crash with no survivors is a PIYT,

But there were 3 empty seats ; Now thats a SHAME.

 

[mongchops]

A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop. After looking around
for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had
no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to have it anyway. So
he took it to the owner and said: How much is this bronze rat?The owner
replied: It is £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.Well the tourist
gave the man his £12 and said I’ll just take the rat you can keep the story.

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled
out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting,
so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the
swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing &
screeching in a very menacing way.He increased his speed & ran on towards
the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now
numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster. By now very
concerned, he ran to the edge of the sea and threw the bronze rat far out
into the water. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water
after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: Ah, you’ve come back for the story then! No, said the tourist. I came back to see if you’ve got a bronze Taffs!

 

[lan1510]

man goes to the doctors
" hey doc, ive got a problem! each time i masturbate i sing the english national anthem"
doc "dont worry mate, a lot of wayne kerrs do"

[Uruk Hai]

Q: What do you call a sheep tied to a fence in Wales?
A: A leisure center.

Q. What do you call a Welshman with many girlfriends?
A. A Shepherd.

Q. Did you hear that Welsh people have discovered a new use for sheep?
A. Wool.


Old Jones' nickname
A man moves to a village in Wales and gets talking to an old man from the village.
He asks the old man what his name is, but the old man gets very irate at this point and says:
- See that line of houses over there? I built them all, but do they call me Jones the house builder? Do they hell!
- See those railway lines over there? I laid them all, but do they call me Jones the engineer? Do they hell!
- See those bridges over that river? I built them all, but do they call me Jones the bridge builder? Do they hell!
- But, a long long time ago, I f**ked ONE sheep...