Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!

[T_J_G]

What did the fish say when it swam into the wall......









DAMN!

[Andy-H]

I apologise if this has already been posted....

What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment:  'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why she asked such a question!

Harry replied:  'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry:  'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks:  'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry:  'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks:  'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:  'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
   'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

[Bjork]

After browsing through this topic the other day I thought I'd share a few jokes with my mates and their girlfriends whilst pissed up in my front room.

All was well until I came out with the old "What's blue and doesn't fit?" ..................."A dead epileptic"

No one laughed and I thought it strange as my mates aren't politically correct.

Fast forward to the next day and the lad I live with explained that one of my other mates girlfriend (who was there) is epileptic!!!! 

He told me everyone else in the room knew this apart from me for some reason, hence the lack of appreciation for my sick joke!!!

Not looking forward to seeing her again!! 

[DarnPB]

What do you do if you find an epileptic having a fit in whilst taking a bath?


Chuck your washing in!

[hobbiniho]

Four people in the carriage of a train - a Scotsman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and an Englishman.

It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Englishman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.

The old lady thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him".

The pretty young blonde thinks " I bet the Englishman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him".

The Englishman thinks "I bet that Scotsman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me".

The Scotsman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that English t**t again".

[DarnPB]

I don't see the problem with calling someone from Pakistan a Paki. I mean the Australians are called Aussies. The Scottish are called Scots. The Italians are called Ities and the French are called c@nts!

[russell17]

why did camelot cum-alot?


Cos he played with his lance-alot!

[Josho]

What's long hard and full of semen?

**Highlight below for answer!**

A submarine you dirty sod!!!

[haf1zur]

The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man United with only 20 minutes left.

The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool .

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry.'

Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum,

It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!'

[mixedupste]

I rung a rape advice line up the other night.........














Cant beleive its only for victims!