Author Topic: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!  (Read 141863 times)

Offline MrBounce

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #280 on: 09 February 2009, 10:27 »
I'm gonna rob a a bank tomorrow, wearing clown make-up...


...whilst wearing a thong and nipple tassles...


...I'll be carrying a goat with a dildo up my 4rse and a tin of Dulux...


...In the bank the goat's gonna suck me off and I'll throw the paint over the walls whilst shouting the words "Big Fat P!ssflaps!"...


...Once I get the cash I'm gonna sh!t on the floor and then escape in a van shaped like a big pink c0ck.













Let's see Crimewatch stage a reconstruction of THAT f*cker!  :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:


Keeping schtum. Mostly.

Offline kr1s77

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #281 on: 09 February 2009, 18:56 »
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting  about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all  went.

My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black  leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw  me and said,  'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.'
Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other  night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
As soon as he  came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"
ASV 1.9 TDI 110

Offline MrBounce

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #282 on: 13 February 2009, 15:43 »
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, Hull , parts of Bradford and anywhere where there are Social Security claiming Chavs


Keeping schtum. Mostly.

Offline mixedupste

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #283 on: 14 February 2009, 10:14 »
I bought a Jade Goody Calendar yesterday.

DO NOT BUY THIS CALENDAR ITS A RIP OFF!!


Only goes up to April!!!

Offline pedro2682

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #284 on: 16 February 2009, 12:14 »
WHY'S A PORK PIE LIKE A thingyONERS MINGE ?

BECAUSE YOU NEED TO BITE OFF THE CRUST AND LICK OUT THE JELLY BEFORE YOU GET TO THE MEAT. ! ! !

Offline mixedupste

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #285 on: 16 February 2009, 16:18 »
Apparantely things are looking up for Jade Goody.........






She sold her hairdryer on ebay for £10

Offline MrBounce

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #286 on: 16 February 2009, 20:22 »
13-year old New Dad Alfie Patten has joined Fathers for Justice.

He already has the Spiderman costume...


Keeping schtum. Mostly.

Offline mixedupste

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #287 on: 18 February 2009, 12:23 »
last one about Jady goody I promise....

what do you call Jade Goody in a wedding dress??






Shuttlecock!

not one of mine! was told by a mate from work! :grin:

Offline bertmort8

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #288 on: 21 February 2009, 23:39 »
what do you call a black b!tch with braces ???


black n decker pecker wrecker
wants a gt tdi

Offline bertmort8

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #289 on: 21 February 2009, 23:41 »
a line to use when someone is talking b0ll0cks

'go take your face for a sh!t'
wants a gt tdi