Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!

[dubsport]

why dont old women get smear tests?






















Have you ever tried opening a cheese toasty 

[kr1s77]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.
He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.


 They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.


 After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.


 The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!


"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"


"No," she replies. . .



Wait for it. .






It's coming. .





The suspense is killing you, isn't it?







She says :


"You just happened to catch my eye."

[Dinky]

The three bears..

I have just received this far more accurate account of the events of
> that fateful morning...
>
> Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He
> looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my
> porridge?" he squeaks.
>
> Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
> into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my
> porridge?!?" he roars.
>
> Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
> yells, "For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you
>
> idiots?
> It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
> It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
> It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
> It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
> everything away.
> It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.
> It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the
> newspaper and croissants.
> It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
> It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter
> tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.
>
> "And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and
> grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm
> only going to say this once....
> "I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!"

[Dinky]

More...a sing along..


At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, that
I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on...
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry!
I should have known that it was bulls***t, just a sad pathetic dream
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those
Jeans!

Go on now - go! , Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!

[Chorus]

I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!

[Chorus]

I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

[Len]

This is very old, but noticed it in a bored moment!


A man was proudly showing off his new merc to his friend outside the pub one day.
"Its got all the toys, electric everything and voice activated controls"
"How does that work then?" asked his friend.
"Oh its easy", he replies, "You just shout rock and the radio tunes into a rock station, you shout contry and it finds a country station, you shout pop and it finds a pop station".
His friend says "Wow that is clever"
"Your tellin me, the other day I was driving down the road and some kids ran in the road so I shouted F*cking Kids and next thing I knew I was listening to Thriller"

[Dinky]

FUNNIEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER
Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-husband
 P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER Carla and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!  Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lot to for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

[Len]

Whats the difference between a washing machine and an Essex girl?

The washing machine doesnt spit your load out when its finished!

[VR6Lee]

Austrain women are like fine wine

Left to mature in a cellar.......... 


  i know 

[mongchops]

A small boy is stnading on a cliff looking down at the sea and crying. A priest approaches and say "My Child, Why are you crying?"
The boy says "Mummy and Daddy's car rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks below"

The priest looks round him unbuttoning his fly saying "Well, it's just not your lucky day, is it?"

[mongchops]

Josef Fritzel Ltd,

Cellar conversions and soundproofing specialist.

Family business established over 25 years ago.