Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!

[mr magoo]

- Doctor Doctor how come every time I go to the toilet it comes out as chips?

- Have you ever tried lifting your string vest?

[CHRIS_MC]

Binman knocks at the front door of a house and a chinese man opens the door, 'he asks "wheres your bin?"

chinese man says "i's been in the towylet",

Binman says "no, you misunderstand. wheres your wheely bin?"

chinese man says" ok i wheely been havin a wank"

 

[mr magoo]

How about in to German?

Ein Hund geht in eine Baustelle und sagt: "Ich würde gerne ein Angebot, bitte".

Der Obmann denkt einen Moment nach. "Nun, wir nicht wirklich beschäftigen Hunde, haben Sie versucht, den Zirkus?"

Der Hund antwortet: "Was würde der Zirkus wollen mit einem Klempner?"

I'm going to have to stop this 

[mongchops]

Whats blck and blue and don't like sex?


The little boy who lives under my stairs.

 

[mongchops]

A man in a pub finishes his pint and tells his friends he's been warned from the wife to get home early.
His friend advises him on how to deal with situations like this to keep both parties happy. He says "When you get home, tip toe up to the bedroom and crawl under the duvet from the bottom of the bed and give your wife the greatest oral sex she's ever had or ever likely to have again.. Once you have brought her to orgasm there is no way she'll be in a bad mood with you"

The man agrees that this is a great idea that can go wrong so he orders up another round of drinks for him and his mates. A couple of hours and several pints later the man staggers home to find his house in complete darkness. He eventually unlocks the door, stumbles in and makes his way to the bedroom. He then takes his friends advice and slides up the bed from under the duvet, lifts his wifes nightdress and gets to work. After a good 10 minute session and some satisfied noises from the top of the bed he decides job done and nips through to the bathroom to give his face a wash.
When he opens the door he's shocked to find his wife sitting on the bog having a pee.. "What the f*ck are you doing in here!?" he cries... "Quiet" whispers his wife... "You'll wake your mother up"

[mongchops]

Why is pork pie like a pensioners fanny?

Cos you have to bite off the crust and lick out the jelly before you get to the meat!!!!!!!!




whats the difference between a pig and madeline mccan?

madeline mccan never had an apple in her mouth when she was gettin spit-roasted



Man in bed says to his new Thai wife
"you keep striking my cock, do you like it that much?"
She replies "No but I realy miss mine".

[mongchops]

How do you know the girl you are going out with is too young?


You have to make aeroplane noises to get your cock in her mouth.

[mongchops]

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toliet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: 'Hello mate, how are you doing?'

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied 'Not too bad thanks.'

After a short pause, I heard the voice again 'So, what are you up to?'

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, 'Just having a quick crap... How about yourself?'

The next thing i heard him say was ...... 'Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some c**t in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say.'

[mongchops]

What is green and has sixteen tits???

The bin out the back of a breast cancer clinic!!!!!!



What's yellow and blue with a really tight c*nt at one end?

An Aldi bag.



Railtrack bosses have promised to cut waiting times at stations after Mark Speight was left hanging around for 6 days...




Police are investigating the bigger picture of Mark Speight's death. It was sent in by 11 year old Susie from Reading.



I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning."

He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."



A couple made a deal that whoever died
first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their
biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the
first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Mary. Mary."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have
sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in
the sun, and then I have sex twice.

I have lunch, another romp around the
golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.

After supper, golf course again. Then
have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."

[mongchops]

Year 2 class comes in from playtime. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at playtime?"

Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."

She does and gets a chocolate Hobnob.

The teacher asks Michael what he did at playtime.

Michael says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."

The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."

Michael does, and gets a chocolate Hobnob. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at playtime.

He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Michael, but they threw rocks at me."

The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go to the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a chocolate Hobnob."




A man gets home from work, sits down in the chair infront of the telly & tells his wife
"Get me a beer before it starts"
she hads him a beer & he drinks it then says
"Quick get me another before it starts"
again she gets him a beer & hands it to him. He drinks it & says
"I want another before it starts"
She says...
"Listen you lazy fat c**t. You walk in, sit down & start barking orders at me..."
"Oh f**k its started!!!"