Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!

[Guy]

It's nearly Halloween, and i need an outfit to scare the kids with - anyone got a red tracksuit blonde wig, jewellery and a cigar i can borrow ?

[whileoceanasleeps]

I filled up my escort with diesel earlier. She died.

what's pink and hard? a pig with a knife

how many pedophiles does it take to change a lightbulb?
my wife is more concerned why i didn't call an electrician

if you are 10% Polish, does that make you a tad pole?

[MrBounce]

Tony Blackburn gets invited to a pool party. He turns up with his old chum Jimmy Saville and funny man Freddie Star.

The host says 'No, the invite said bring a pair of Speedos'

[Dave_IOW]

They should have named hurricane Sandy, hurricane Saville.
That way, there would have only been minor damage..

[MrBounce]

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As we know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social functions over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many, and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.

Knowing full well I was over the limit, I did something I've never done before:

I took a taxi home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block,but because it was a taxi, they waved me on.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was amazing because I've never driven a
taxi before, and I'm not sure where I got it.

[haf1zur]

Lady: Do you smoke?
Man: Yes
Lady: How many packs a day?
Man: 3 packs
Lady: How much per pack
Man: £10.00
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 pack cost £10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £900. In one year, it would be £10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you smoke?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your f**king Ferrari then?

[Len]

Supposedly the latest chat up line.....

Dont make this rape a murder.

[mcgee9t2]

 Whats the difference between a practical joke and a temperature?

a nurse can take a temperate.


Haha too soon?

[Seanl]

Never too soon! 

[MS1COYS]

Rest In Peace Patrick Moore.

'No more Mr. Night Sky'