Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!

[hobbiniho]

Went to the fridge to check my burgers, aaaaannndddd they're off!

[haf1zur]

User Manti has entered the customer service chat line

Lenny: Good afternoon! How may I help you today, sir?

Manti: piza

Lenny: I’m not sure I understand. Could you provide some more details?

Manti: i want a pizza

Lenny: Sir, I’m afraid you are in the wrong place.

Manti: pizza with peperonii and cheese meat to south bend

Lenny: Sir, you cannot order a pizza online here.

Manti: piza pepperonni south bend please

Lenny: Sir, this is the HP online customer support chat line.

Manti: pizzahut HP

Lenny: Hewlett Packard. This is the Hewlett Packard helpdesk.

Manti: r u prettay lennay

Lenny: My name is Lenny. I am male.

Manti: what u wear lennay

Lenny: A polo shirt.

Manti: i lov u lennay

Lenny: Sir, can I ask you to please disconnect from this chat room. I cannot move on to help the next customer until you disconnect.

Manti: lennay u r prettay i lluv u

Lenny: I love you too. But I have cancer.

Manti: o no

Lenny: Oh God! A car is coming right at me! Slow down!!

Manti: stop car

Lenny: The car hit me and I died of cancer.

Manti: no

Lenny: I’m dead now. I have died.

Manti: no lennay

Lenny: I am dead. Goodbye forever.

Manti: no

Manti: pizza with cheese meat peperronii to south bend

[haf1zur]

The AA have warned that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a Blanket/Sleeping bag, extra clothing (including Hat, Scarf and Gloves), 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-Icer, rock salt, torch, spare battery, petrol can, first aid kit and some jumps leads.

I looked a right twit on the bus.

[gtd_tim]

[clipperjay]

Jessops felt a bit exposed about the liquidation going on.... tapi tap!
A old man took naked pictures to Jessops for developing and the sale assistant asked if he wanted the negatives?
He said yes gingerly....
The sales guy said " Well your wife is ugly, fat and has saggy tits" tapi tap!

I went to Staples the other day and asked?
"Do you sell Staples removers" tapi tap!

I rented a movie at Blockbuster and asked?
"Is it okay if I keep this?" tapi tap!

I went to Tescos to buy some burgers and started to cough at the till.
I'm very sorry I said to the cash girl "I'm feeling a bit horse in the throat today"  tapi tap!

I'll get my coat 

[haf1zur]

AN APOLOGY FROM TESCO.

We want to apologise for the recent discovery of horse and pig DNA in burgers for sale at our stores. Please rest assured we are investigating the root of the problem and will fully disclose our findings.
In the meantime we have re-sourced our burgers and re-stocked our shelves; please be assured that all our burgers now contain the traditional ingredients you know and love: eyeballs, arseholes, bollocks and brains.

Bon apetite.

[haf1zur]

"Jump in and I'll take you home," I said to my dwarf neighbour, who was sat at the bus stop today.

"Piss off!" he replied.

"Suit yourself then," I said, as I straightened up my backpack and continued with my walk.

[haf1zur]

Tesco are giving treble points on your Clubcard for all burgers and petrol, starting Monday.

The deal is called Only Fuel and Horses.

[haf1zur]

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.  He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

[haf1zur]

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.