Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!

[mcgee9t2]

 Took the other half on a date to the cinema last night, but we embarrassingly got evicted for eating our own food. It was the first time I'd had a barbeque for ages too!

[stainesy]

little boy sat on the toilet with dad in bath next to him. little boy says daddy daddy whats all that curly hair stuff down there?
dad says oh erm thats my pet hedge hog son.
little boy says CORE look at the dick on it 

[am1w]

The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
 
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
 
The man replied,  "I want to see Suzy."
 
"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.
 
He replied,  "No, I must see Suzy."
 
Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.
 
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
 
After an hour, the man calmly left.
 
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.
 
Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
 
"There are no discounts. The price is still £5000."
 
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.
 
After an hour, he left.
 
The following night the man was there yet again.
 
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.
 
After their session, Suzy said to the man, 
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"
 
The man replied,  " Edinburgh."
 
"Really," she said.  "I have family in Edinburgh  ."

"I know." the man said.  "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer
She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."

 The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1.  Death
2.  Taxes
3.  Being screwed by a lawyer!

[VR6_Wherry]

My girlfriend and I went out to a restaurant last night, and some of the
other diners started calling me a 'paedo' and a 'cradle snatcher.' All
because I'm a 52 year old man with a 21 year old girlfriend. It totally
ruined our 10 year anniversary meal.

[JC]

Kate asked the Queen the secret of long life, The Queen replied, "always wear a seatbelt, and don't f**k me about!"..

[Kent]

My mate David had his ID stolen the other night.

We just call him DAV now!!


Thank you and good night.   

[MrBounce]

The morning after the Royal Wedding Prince William goes downstairs and the butler asks him if he'd like some breakfast for himself and his new bride.

William replies "I'll have a Full English with scrambled egg and no mushrooms please, and a single lettuce leaf for Kate"

"A single lettuce leaf, Sir?"

"Yes. I want to see if she eats like a rabbit too".

[MrBounce]

Pippa Middleton's 4rse is like a JK Rowling book. You know that Harry's gonna be it in at some point...

[golf-sib]

It's very quiet and there's a lot of flags flying half-mast here in Bradford this morning.

What's going on?
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Thank God Bin Laden's dead.

I was getting sick of the royal wedding.
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BTW, I killed Colonel Gaddafi last night. I didn't take any pictures and threw his body into the sea. Just take my word for it; he's definitely dead.
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Osama Bin Laden has appeared in his latest video claiming the England football team are sh!t.
British intelligence said, "This doesn't prove he's still alive. The video could have been made at any time in past 44 years."
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I have a theory that Osama bin Laden is hiding in Bradford, and that we should bomb it just in case.

If I'm wrong, what have we lost?
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"9/11 organiser dead".

Nonsense, I've never seen George W. Bush looking healthier.
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Prince Harry reported missing after a secret fancy dress party somewhere in Pakistan..
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Just seen in the news that Bin Laden is dead.

To be honest I couldn't give two towers about his death.
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Osama is gone, but his 6 horcruxes remain
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News: Osama Bin Laden Dead

He took his own life rather than watch a 4th day of Royal Wedding highlights
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YOU HAVE MAIL.

From: Bin Laden, Osama
Sent: Monday, October 22, 2001 8:17 AM
To: Cavemates

Subject: The Cave

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says

"Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I so we need to sweep the cave daily.

I've posted a sign up sheet near the main cave opening.

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks.

Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together.

Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone.

Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard.

Death to infidels,
Osama

[asif]

World hide and seek championship results are now in

Bronze goes to - Anne Frank
Silver goes to - Osama Bin Laden
Gold goes to - Madelin McCann

I'll get my coat shall I