Author Topic: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!  (Read 141305 times)

Offline mongchops

  • GTI forum regular
  • ***
  • Posts: 100
Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #1020 on: 20 February 2011, 06:33 »
A little boy shouts to his mum from the back door.
"MUM CAN YOU HELP ME?"
His mum shouts back "I'M MAKING THE BEDS SO DONT SHOUT AT ME, GET UP HERE AND SPEAK TO ME PROPERLY"
The boy walks upstairs. "That's better" she say's "Now what did you want?"
The little boy say's "I trod in dog's sh1t and I can't get my trainers off"


Offline Rhyso

  • Global Moderator
  • Sir Postalot
  • *****
  • Posts: 26,720
Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #1021 on: 21 February 2011, 09:36 »
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:



 
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!


FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.


JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.


WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****







FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.




 
 

 

Offline myvr6isarocket

  • GTI forum regular
  • ***
  • Posts: 124
Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #1022 on: 24 February 2011, 19:26 »
Proof that being kicked in the balls is more painful than childbirth.

Several months after being kicked in the balls, a male does not say

"I think i want another kick in the balls"

Offline Roverdose

  • Here all the time
  • ****
  • Posts: 335
  • So long and thanks for all the fish!
Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #1023 on: 27 February 2011, 14:25 »
Kate middleton, the first person to squeeze into diana's ring since dodi al fayed!

Offline mongchops

  • GTI forum regular
  • ***
  • Posts: 100
Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #1024 on: 28 February 2011, 20:51 »
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils,
I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained,'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

Offline Adam88

  • Not said much yet
  • **
  • Posts: 18
Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #1025 on: 01 March 2011, 06:49 »
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker
I was in a photoshoot with Ms. September for Playboy South Africa

Offline mongchops

  • GTI forum regular
  • ***
  • Posts: 100
Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #1026 on: 01 March 2011, 19:23 »
A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

'No, love,' he replied.

"I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Offline mcgee9t2

  • I live here
  • *****
  • Posts: 3,289
Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #1027 on: 01 March 2011, 19:28 »
There is a website now were you can go on to check if there are sex offenders living near to you.

I went on and aparently there's 11 pedofiles living in a 10 mile radius of my house. the only problem is they could be anywere. One of them could live next door you just don't know.
Ill tell you who does live next door though, 2 sexy as f**k 12 year olds

Offline Jay

  • Forum addict
  • *
  • Posts: 4,416
  • balding fat cvnt
Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #1028 on: 01 March 2011, 21:04 »
The best engine in the world is the pussy. It pulls anything, starts with 1 finger, self lubricates , takes any size piston , then every 4 weeks does it's own oil change.... it's just a pity the management system is so f**king temperamental !
Passat B5.5 2.3 V5 170, with all the extras.

Want some online storage? Click here to sign up for a Dropbox account.

But for the purest engine experience, displacement has no replacement. All other methods are simply attempts to artificially recreate the benefits of displacement.

Offline Martz

  • Forum Supporter
  • I live here
  • *****
  • Posts: 3,273
Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #1029 on: 01 March 2011, 21:14 »
The best engine in the world is the pussy. It pulls anything, starts with 1 finger, self lubricates , takes any size piston , then every 4 weeks does it's own oil change.... it's just a pity the management system is so f**king temperamental !

My significant others is nicknamed Alfa!