Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!

[Guy]

OLD TIMER SEX
===========



The husband leans over to his wife and asks "Do you remember the first time we had sex together more than fifty years ago?  We went behind the village tavern where you leant against the back fence and I made love to you".  "Oh yes" she said " I remember it well"

 

"O.K." he says, "how about taking a stroll around there again and we can see if we can do it for old times sake?"  "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy but good idea!" said she.

 

A police officer sitting at the next table overheard their conversation and after chuckling to himself, thinks I've got to see this; I'll just keep an eye on them to make sure there is no trouble and follows them out.

 

The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by their walking sticks.  They finally reach the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.  The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.  As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in and suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.  This goes on for about ten minutes, during which the pair are both making loud noises, moaning and screaming.  Finally, they both collapse, panting heavily, to the floor.

 

The policeman is amazed and thinks he has learnt something about life and old age that he was totally unaware of.

 

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.  The policeman, still watching (??) thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple are passing he says "excuse me, but that was something else.  You must have had a fantastic sex life together.  Is there some sort of secret to this".

 

Still shaking and barely able to speak, the old man replies

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Fifty years ago, that wasn't an electric fence".

[Jonnys07]

A man's out on the golf course, just starting off his round. He drives the ball down the fairway, and as it's travelling through the air, a woman suddenly runs across the course. The ball falls out of the sky and hits the woman on the head knocking her out.
The man runs to the clubhouse, shouting 'is there a doctor here, is there a doctor here?' as he enters the doors. A man in the corner of the bar stands up claiming to be a doctor. He asks 'what's happened?' The man begins 'well I was teeing off and all of a sudden, a woman came out of nowhere and got in the way of my ball, she's lying in the middle of the fairway!' The doctor asks 'well where did you hit her?', to which the man replies 'between the first and second hole'.

Doctor says 'well you didnt leave much room for a bandage did you?!' 

[Teutonic_Tamer]

So I started this new diet last week.

I only consume Viagra pills washed down with 3 litres of prune juice.

Now, I don't know weather I am coming or going.

[Teutonic_Tamer]

This morning, I went to a conference on premature ejaculation.

It was all over before I got there!  :embarassed:

[Teutonic_Tamer]

Now that I am 78, I do tantric sex because it's very slow.


My favourite position is called the plumber.


You stay in all day but nobody comes.

[Pirelli_P]

All of these are in the name of bant, i take no responsibility for offence!


A boy goes to his local village fayte. After walking round he comes across a strange stall but the boy is confused as to what it is. He asks the man. The stall owner says, see this brick, throw it at the nigger. The boy says whats it called, man replies, its a brick-a-black stall!


When this bloke asked me if i preferred legs, thoughs or breasts, i told him that i had a fondness for shaved fannies. he then told me that wasn't an option with the KFC bargain bucket...


Q: Which is the odd one out, a refrigerator, a washing machine, a tv or a women?
A: the tv coz all the others leak when f**ked!


I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so f**king low!


Gary Glitter has requested after his death his ashes be put into an etch-a-sketch...so the kids can still fiddle with his knob!


Gary Glitter has been given a date for his release...she's 8 but with make-up on she looks 12!


Breaking news...Police have re-arrested Gary Glitter and have found class A drugs in his kitchen, class B drugs in his living room and class 5C in his bedroom!


Watching the olympics games last night I wondered if there was anything that the chinese aren't good at?
Then I remembered, picking cockles in Morecombe bay!


Iv just watched the Olympic 200m final - its like being in a london nightclub...you hear a gunshot then half a dozen niggers run like hell!


*NEWSFLASH* Gary Glitter has just attempted suicide by jumping into the sea. However, coastguards found him bobbing up and down on a buoy!


What have bicycles and niggers got in common? None of the f**k*rs work properley without a chain on them!


INFATUATION thingy. That is the answer, but what is the question? Asian goes to a chip shop and asks how the chips are cooked. Confused, read the question again!


Paddy's wife has got a new tattoo of a sea shell on the top of her inner thigh. Paddy thinks its amazing, if you put your ear to it you can actually smell the sea!

Jesus goes to a brothel, finishes and goes downstairs where Paul's waiting. How did it goe asks Paul, f**king sh!te Jesus replies. I pulled down her knickers, touched her fanny, and the f**king thing healed up!


Three bird watchers talking in the pub, first man says i call my wife dove coz she's small and petite. Second man says i call mine flamingo coz she's tall and slender. Third man says huh, i call mine thrush coz she's an irritating thingy!


The latest christmas toy is a talking muslim doll! Nobody knows what it says yet, as they daren't pull the cord!


I purchased a teddy bear for £10 tenner yesterday, and called it Muhammad. I sold it this morning for £20. My question is, have i made a prophet!?

[Dinky]

Not so much a joke..but I was quite impressed...takes abit..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nktmFsbArww

Dinx

[mongchops]

A few Jade Goody jokes.




Jade Goody has said she hasn't told her kids about her illness as she doesn't want them worrying about the 'C' word.

But I'm sure with all the press coverage and kids talking at school, they already know their mum is a 'C@nt'.





Snow white, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo are sitting in a pub with their mates.

Snow white says "Theres no doubt about it, I'm the fairest in the land"

Tom thumb says "Theres no doubt about it, I'm the smallest in the land"

Quasimodo says "Theres no doubt about it, I'm the ugliest in the land"

Their mates tell them to prove it by going to the magic all-knowing mirror, and the three head off.

A few minutes later, the door of the pub bursts open and Snow White runs in and says "Its official...I'm the fairest in the land!"

Shortly afterwards, the door again bursts open and Tom Thumb runs in and shouts "Its official...I'm the smallest in the land!"

Five minutes later, the door gets kicked in and Quasimodo storms in and bellows "Who the f**k is Jade Goody?"




Jack Tweed is apparently well chuffed that he is in Prison for the next 18 months.

It saves him having to try and carry the fat slag's coffin.




Jade Goody is tipped to win her local weightwitchers slimmer of the month award in September. October. November. And, if she lasts that long, December.



Jade Goody has decided to change her name and adopt the Muslim faith to prove she's not racist.

From now she wants to be known as Yaffat Fooker.



Poor cancer. Imagine what it must feel like to have a doctor tell you that you're stuck in Jade Goody's fanny...




A Chav, lucky beyond his wildest dreams, finds Jade Goody pissed as a rat in a bar. After plying her with more Lambrini, he borrows a sack-barrow and takes her home to his place. A couple of Kestrel Extra-Strengths later and she slurs to him "Awrite big boy, d'ya wannit rough or smoove?"
He can't believe his luck and he opts for 'rough' - the shag is the most intense of his life and he collapses in a heap next to her. He is so excited that his erection quickly returns and now he opts for 'smooth'. He is rewarded with the most lubricated slow-f**k of his life - it moves him to tears in its closeness.
"Oh my God Jade, how do you do that?" He asks in a still-trembling voice...
She replies "If you want it rough, I leaves the scabs on..."

[JC]

Model Mary Segovia says that plastic surgeon, Dr. Jose Rodriguez Gonzales Rivera Morales left her nipples "uneven" last month after he performed a breast implant procedure on her. Segovia says she has contacted a lawyer and plans to file suit in the National Court of Justice in Mexico City.





Dr. Jose Rodriguez Gonzales Rivera Morales said he sees nothing wrong with the nipple placement on Mary Segovia's breasts. "Hell, they look perfectly normal to me," Dr. Jose Rodriguez Gonzales Rivera Morales stated, "I can not see what all the fuss is about."

[MrBounce]

Door to door salesman rings on a doorbell and it's answered by a small boy. The boy is smoking a Havana cigar, has a large glass of whiskey in one hand and what looks like a high-class call girl on the other arm.

"Is your mum or dad in?" says the salesman.

"Does it f**king look like it?!"