Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!

[mongchops]

A bloke says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."

She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."

They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.

She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."

He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."

The postman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."

 

[mongchops]

Nigel comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favour. It feels like something's stuck up my arse. Could you check it out for me?"

His roommate lubes up his finger and shoves it up Nigel's arse, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."

Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out."

So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Nigels's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your arse."

Nigel starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."

 

[mongchops]

After many years at sea, John returned to his home village while on leave. He hadn't had a woman for may years and was desperate.

He immediately searched for a brothel. After searching, he finds a suitable establishment.

After entering the brothel, he asks the madam how much for a woman.

'£100' she replies

'I can't afford that, I only have 50p'

'I'm sorry sir but we have nothing for as little as 50p'

'But please help me.. I'm desperate... I have been at sea for many years.... I need a woman... any woman!'

The lady thinks for a moment and grins to herself.

'Well if you are that desperate... go to room 23 down the hallway.'

Grateful to the madam, he searches for room 23.

He finally finds the room and enters. Inside he discovers the most grotesque woman alive. Spots on her face, greasy hair etc.

'How do you want me luv?'

'Errr, on your back with your legs in the air!'

When she lays on her back and parts her legs, he is horrified to see crabs running in between her legs.

'Yuck, I ain't doing that'

'Well, I can turn on all fours!' she replies

'Ok' says the man and immediatly she gets on all fours.

'Oh my god... you have sh!t all over your arse.. that's sick'

'Well there is one more way we can do this.'

'Is there?' he asks

'Yeah...' and she removes an eye from its socket. 'Stick your dick in there... go on!'

He places his dick in the empty socket and starts pumping hard.

Minutes later he orgasms violently.

'That was fantastic... how 'bout you?'

'Great... when will you be in town next?'

'In about 2-3 years time!'

'Great, I'll keep an eye out for you then!'


 

[Stu-1.8T]

I know i'm a few pages too late for the Beadle jokes, but apparently he had a small willy....................................on the other hand though it was massive.

[Uruk Hai]

Gazza sectioned under the Mental Health act and sent to a institution for retards with no chance of recovery. "We're glad to have him back" says Keegan 

[mongchops]

In response to Frank Bruno's offer of support, Gazza has, by way of a thank you, booked Bruno into a series of top class sun bed sessions.
 

[mongchops]

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his arse.

What's pink and hard?
A pig with a flick knife.

What's 100 yards long and smells of piss?
The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings.

 

[mongchops]

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None, the b!tch should have it open by the time she brings it to you.

 

[mongchops]

Theres a Russian, a Cuban, an Englishman and a Pakistani on a train, the Russian takes out a bottle of his best vodka, drinks a bit and throws the rest off the train and says 'theres plenty more of that where i come from'.
The others are impressed so the Cuban takes out one of the finest havana cigars, takes one puff and throws it off the train and says 'theres plenty more of those where i come from'.
Again everyone is rather impressed so the Englishman stands up and throws the Pakistani off the train.....

[mongchops]

This one is a bit close to the mark but hey, what the f*ck...



















How do you make a six-year-old girl cry twice?
f**k her in the arse, then wipe your dick on her teddy bear.