Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!

[haf1zur]

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

[haf1zur]

Hearing China have jumped on the Tesco bandwagon and are now selling quarter pandas

[Len]

I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages

And my tendency to scoff,

I do wish that once in a while

I could turn the damned thing off.

[MS1COYS]

Despite all these advantages

And my tendency to scoff,

I do wish that once in a while

The damned thing would suck me off!

 

[haf1zur]

M&M's are too afraid to melt in Chuck Norris' mouth

When the Hulk gets angry, he turns into Chuck Norris

The US Navy SEALs recently honored Chuck Norris with the 'Please Stop It, You're Making Us Look Bad' Award.

Chuck Norris can't wait to find out what it's actually like to wait.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer...

Chuck Norris can nail a hammer into a wall

Chuck Norris does not Blend

Chuck Norris can make you piss your soul.

Who watches the Watchmen? Chuck Norris.

Lance Armstrong didn't use drugs, he was injecting himself with Chuck Norris Piss

Mark Zuckerberg invented facebook AFTER getting a friend invite from Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was born when the roundhouse kicks were two minutes apart.

Chuck Norris once beat a ghost to life

Chuck Norris can burn water

The dinosaurs got themselves extinct cause they knew Chuck Norris was going to be born 65million years later

Aliens wont invade earth till Chuck Norris dies, too bad for the Aliens that Chuck Norris will never die

Chuck Norris taught spongebob how to make a camp fire underwater

Chuck Norris can cook fire

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris just has a fever.

[haf1zur]

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day
Set a man on fire and he'll be warm the rest of his life

[MS1COYS]

I was walking along a high cliff one day and saw a little boy, all alone. He was crying.
I asked him, "Son, what are you doing up here all alone?"
He replied, with tears in his eyes, "My mum's down there at the bottom. She fell!"
"That's terrible!" I said. "And your dad?"
"He's down there right next to her. He tried to save her and he fell, too!"
"That's awful!" I said. We shared a quiet moment there, together, looking out at the sky over that grand cliff.
And then, when he asked me why I was unbuckling my belt, I told him.
"Son, today just isn't your day."

[mcgee9t2]

Today i saw a sexually frustrated man stood on a cliff...so i tossed him off.

[haf1zur]

As I pushed her off the cliff, the b!tch grabbed my hand

Thats the last thing I remember

[Len]

Just been to the fridge to check on those beef burgers, AND THEY'RE OFF!

If you've had the trots recently it might be worth contacting Tesco.

Horse fillet steaks for sale at Tesco buy them quick, they won't be there furlong

I've found it tough lately working on the Tesco meat counter....I feel like I'm flogging a dead horse.

Just ordered a burger in a Tesco cafe. The waitress asked me if i wanted anything on it? I said a fiver each way!!

Some people don't like the Tesco horse-meat burgers and some do. It's equestrian of taste really.

Tesco has clearly taken the phrase "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse" a little too seriously

Two Tesco burgers please... Hold the dressage

These Tesco burgers are low fat, but surprisingly high in Shergar …

Until late last night the supermarket shelves were stacked high with burgers - about 13 hands.

A woman has been taken to hospital after eating burgers. Her condition is said to be stable.

Just had a lovely burger from Tesco but now my voice is a little hoarse...

I had some burgers before I went for a 4 mile run last night. I did it in six minutes and jumped 19 fences.

I tried a Tesco 'beef' burger and thought the going was a bit soft - been nagging me ever since.

Horses in Tesco burgers, what next? My LIDL pony?