Author Topic: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!  (Read 141695 times)

Offline MS1COYS

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #1250 on: 14 September 2012, 21:04 »
Some incredibly bad jokes for your perusal.....




"I would never cheat in a relationship,

because that would require two people to find me attractive."


 
"I went to see the Red Arrows today.

There were gasps of "Ooh" and "Aah" as the crowds watched on in amazement. Near miss after near miss had some people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief.

It was a good half hour's worth of entertainment, but in the end, my wife finally managed to park the car and we made our way to the air show."



"My wife told me she wanted a spa day for her birthday.

I'll tell her it's pronounced 'spade' when I give it to her tomorrow."




"Two interesting facts about me.

1) My knob is the same length as 2 Argos pens.

2) I'm banned from Argos."  



"My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

She nearly took my f**king eye out."




" I don't understand Christians.

They say that gambling is wrong, then bet their entire life on there being a heaven."


 :smiley:    





   








 



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Offline VR6_Wherry

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #1251 on: 10 October 2012, 16:40 »
BREAKING NEWS : A gang of dyslexic vigilantes have just beaten up Jimmy Somerville

----------------------------------------------------------

Susan Boyle is outraged at her treatment during her appearance as a child on Jim'll fix it.

He never laid a finger on her!

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Dont fancy one if those Jimmy Saville tracksuits...its normal size tops but you need to squeeze into child size bottoms!!

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Dear Jim,

Please could you fix it for the girl in my class who I really fancy to come on holiday with me ?

Yours sincerely

Jeremy Forest aged 30

----------------------------------------------------------

Jimmy Savilles last request was for his ashes to be put into an Etch-a-Sketch so that kids could continue to fiddle with his knob

----------------------------------------------------------


Offline Thom89

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #1252 on: 11 October 2012, 18:16 »
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you".
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever.
Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please read on.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen ... now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.

Offline Ant1981

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #1253 on: 13 October 2012, 22:45 »
I don't believe these allegations against Jimmy Savile. I met him in Stoke Mandeville hostpital and he seemed very nice.

Next people will be telling me he wasn't qualified to perform my prostate examination.
80% of your posts are total tripe, as they are mostly replies to sh1te posts created by the morons that, unfortunately this forum attracts.

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Offline barrym381

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #1254 on: 13 October 2012, 23:03 »
it can only be a matter of time before boris johnsons mum comes forward to say jimmy saville raped her in 1963  :laugh:

Offline haf1zur

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #1255 on: 18 October 2012, 16:12 »
Our records indicate that you were once felt up by Jimmy Saville and could be entitled to £2147 in compensation. Just reply "how's about that then" to register. To opt out just text "stop Jimmy stop". Register before the end of the month to receive your free "lawyers 4 U fixed it for me" medal.

Offline clipperjay

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #1256 on: 18 October 2012, 18:14 »
How do you make an Essex girls toes curl during sex?










Shag her with her tights on 
I'll get my coat.... :huh:

Offline MS1COYS

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #1257 on: 18 October 2012, 18:56 »
This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"







A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.

The other man replies, "No, just having a sh!t."







Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.





Statistically 9/11 Americans won't get this.



(I've already got my coat on)  :whistle:


Evolution Map / Longlife USA 80mm TBE w/100 cell Sports Cat / ITG Maxogen G60 / Forge Twintercooler/ Forge TB Hose / R8 Coilpacks / EBC D&G Front & Rear Discs / EBC Yellowstuff Pads / BSH PCV Kit / Poly Pro Front & Rear / W.A.L.K / APR Torque Arm / 034Motorsport Density Line Engine Mounts / Vibratechnics Subframe Mount / Vibratechnics Dogbone Bush

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Offline Mrs kempie

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #1258 on: 19 October 2012, 15:04 »
Inspired by recent events following Jimmy Saville's case, there's a new film coming out.
George Clooney is set to play as Jimmy Saville in 'Oh she's eleven'

Hah.


Offline Toby

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #1259 on: 19 October 2012, 20:15 »
I managed to get 6 numbers on the lottery last Saturday.

My wife asked me how much I was going to give her and I said, "£10."

She complained, "You always told me that if you won the lottery you'd give me half!"

I replied, "Yeah I am, half of 6 numbers is 3 numbers, that's a f**king tenner."

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