Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!

[WillGTTDi150]

God thought that since he can't be everywhere, he created a mother.The devil thought that since he can't be everywhere, he created a mother-in-law.

[MrBounce]

What do you call an Australian who's good with a bat?

A vet.

[golf-sib]

Kate and Gerry have just found out that she is 2 months pregnant.

They've already decided to give it up for abduction.

[golf-sib]

Just saw a Facebook group: "Hi, I'm a bra. I touch your girlfriend's boobs every day... Jealous yet? "

Joke's on them, my girlfriend doesn't need a bra yet.
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I've just renamed my WiFi network to "Police Surveillance Van #02".

That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
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I finally got my own back for Christmas shopping: I took my girlfriend into eight different pubs without getting a drink and then went back into the first one and bought a pint.
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I've just upgraded to Sky HD.

I'm impressed.
The phrase 'No satellite signal is being received' has never been so colourful and clear.
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I made a house out of black ice today

I'm going to call it a niglu
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I remember my teacher telling me that looking out of the window wouldn't get me anywhere.

Did I have a smug look on my face later on in life when I handed him his burger and fries at the drive through.
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I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked, "How would you like your steak, sir?"

"The same way I like my sex," I replied.

He smiled and said, "So, rare?"

thingy.
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I always find a good wank is spoilt when I am watching a woman masturbate on Pornhub and then a man arrives with his cock out and joins in.

"f**k off, Dad, and watch your own porn!" I said.
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News: Men masturbate on average once a day.

Ah good, so I wasn't the only one to lie on the survey.
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As a Christian I was deeply offended by tonight's Top Gear where it was suggested that the the new 'Stig' was born in Israel.

The Stig is a fictional character dressed in white, whose entire history is nothing more than a load of ridiculous, made up stories and no one has ever actually seen him.

Whereas Jesus...
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I met this girl in a night club last night and, as she was leading me away, she said, "I have something to show you, my knickers match my socks."

She wasn't wearing any socks. Stupid b!tch.

Added/Edit:

I bought Bonnie Tyler's car last year on ebay.

It's f**king awful, every now and then it falls apart.

[russ-vdub]

^^^ Mate all of those are soo good - Nice one

[mcgee9t2]

The price of fuel is getting rediculous now. On the plus side, putting a tenners petrol in takes a hell of a lot less longer.

[DarnPB]

Kate Middleton asked the Queen advice on a long life and a happy marriage. Her Majesty replied, 'Wear a seat belt and don't piss me off!'

[Jonnys07]

So Jordan and Alex have split up...... The only one who didnt see it coming was Harvey!

[MissGTI]

In the sleepy village of Erbum near the town of Tillet in Hertfordshire, lives a woman called Linda Lykes. She is the land-lady of the local pub, The Cockwell Inn. For some unknown reason, she gets embarrassed whenever she receives her post:

Linda Lykes
The Cockwell Inn
Erbum
Tillet
Herts

[luke]

i'm going to buy steven hawking the most ironic present ever.
a walkie-talkie.