Author Topic: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!  (Read 141295 times)

Offline justalex81

  • I live here
  • *****
  • Posts: 1,084
Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #730 on: 18 September 2010, 11:24 »
AUDLEY HARRISON. dont forget to sky plus your next fight so you can see how it ends!

Offline moutains

  • GTI forum regular
  • ***
  • Posts: 205
Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #731 on: 18 September 2010, 11:34 »
woman went to a medium asked if she could contact her dead hubby, medium went into a trance and sure enough the hubby came through, is that you fred said woman yes said fred im in heaven, what do you do all day well said fred i get up have some breakfast have a swim then some sex then more swimming, well said the woman when you were alive you never ate breakfast you hated sex and you couldnt swim, yes said fred but i wasnt a duck then

Offline MrBounce

  • I live here
  • *****
  • Posts: 1,086
  • Bora TDi 130 Highline - usually filthy.
Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #732 on: 18 September 2010, 13:08 »
While being interviewed by FHM, the Pope was asked what his favourite grooming products were. He paused briefly, thought about it for a bit and then replied:

"Well I think Haribo and M & M's seem to work best"  :evil: :evil: :evil:


Keeping schtum. Mostly.

Offline DarnPB

  • I live here
  • *****
  • Posts: 1,958
  • Formerly Darnpistonbroke
Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #733 on: 21 September 2010, 12:32 »
A twin-engine plane has one of its engines fail, altitude and  air speed are rapidly decreasing ....

The pilot speaks over the intercom.
"I'm sorry it had to come to this folks, but unfortunately we're gonna have to jettison baggage in order for the aircraft to  remain airborne."
Baggage is thrown out, but the plane's speed continues to decrease.

Again the pilot gets on the intercom;
"I hate to have to do this, but now we're gonna have to start  off-loading passengers. The only fair way to do it is alphabetically,  so we'll start with the letter – A”. "Africans, any Africans on board?"

No one answers....
"Ok then – B”. "Black people, any black people?"

Again, silence
"C - Coloured people, any Coloured people on board?"
Silence.

A little boy in the back turns to his mother.
"But Mom, ain't we African?, ain't we Black? Ain't we Coloured?"

"Yes son, but for the purpose of this exercise we is Niggas.
Let dem Mexicans and Muslims go first."


THE FORUMS NUMBER ONE ANTI-FOOTBALL FAN!!!

Offline DarnPB

  • I live here
  • *****
  • Posts: 1,958
  • Formerly Darnpistonbroke
Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #734 on: 21 September 2010, 12:34 »
After  having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough,

as they couldn't afford a larger bed.

So the husband  went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife

didn't want to have any more children.. 

The doctor  told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the 

problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go  home,

get a large firecracker,

light it,

put it in a beer can, then  hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. 

The husband  said to the doctor,

"B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the  world,

but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to 

my ear is going to help me with my problem."


"Trust me, it  will do the job", said the doctor. 

So the man  went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can.

He held the can  up to his ear and began to count: 

"1, 2, 3, 4,  5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his 

legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This  procedure also works in New Zealand, Tasmania and the Isle of Wight!


THE FORUMS NUMBER ONE ANTI-FOOTBALL FAN!!!

Offline asif

  • I live here
  • *****
  • Posts: 921
Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #735 on: 24 September 2010, 12:18 »
I was at my carpentry class when the teacher asked which file was best to widen a 10mm hole.

 

Apparently, a “paedophile” wasn’t the correct answer!
MK7 GT Bluemotion Tech TDi 150

Offline AlanD

  • Serious forum addict
  • *
  • Posts: 9,946
  • MK5 2.0T 16v
Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #736 on: 24 September 2010, 14:11 »
My bedroom is a bit like a newsagents.

No dogs allowed and only 2 school children at a time.

Offline JC

  • 10k hero
  • *
  • Posts: 13,429
  • Back in the North.
Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #737 on: 24 September 2010, 14:12 »
and you say i cross the line  :rolleyes:

Offline AlanD

  • Serious forum addict
  • *
  • Posts: 9,946
  • MK5 2.0T 16v
Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #738 on: 24 September 2010, 14:17 »
It does say in the tittle "may offend" :D

I've got worse.

Offline N900 MJT

  • I live here
  • *****
  • Posts: 901
Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #739 on: 24 September 2010, 14:18 »
My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, brought me one of these moods rings so she could monitor my mood.

We discovered that, when i am in a good mood, it turns green, and when im in a bad mood, it leaves a big f**king red mark on her forehead!!