Author Topic: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!  (Read 140843 times)

Offline chrismorby

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #750 on: 24 September 2010, 22:40 »
What did the bananana say to the vibrator??????????????????? I dont know why your shaking, shes about to eat me!     :shocked: :rolleyes:

Offline DarnPB

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #751 on: 27 September 2010, 22:26 »
YES, I know its a repost, but..........






I am not sure about this advice but

 

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for the person who sent it to me and we all could use more calm in our lives.
 

By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.

========================================
 
 A Doctor proclaimed  the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
 
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning,

I finished  off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhardonay, a bodle of Baileys,

a  butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of botal Prozic and 

Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclits.


Yu haf no  idr hou fkin gud I feal.

 


Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr  pis
 


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Offline DarnPB

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #752 on: 27 September 2010, 22:28 »
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO Chicago WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP,

AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO CHICAGO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT

THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY

SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO CHICAGO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND

TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN, WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,

AND SHE SAYS,

"OH, I'M SORRY."

 

AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO CHICAGO ".

 :grin: :grin: :grin:


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Offline kr1s77

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #753 on: 27 September 2010, 22:32 »
My wife just rang to say Gavin from Autoglass has just been and injected his resin into her crack. I'm not normally suspicious, but I've got the car!!!  :shocked:
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Offline asif

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #754 on: 29 September 2010, 11:51 »
12 priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them all to stand in a line, totally nude, while a big-breasted model danced topless before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his private parts, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang while she danced in front of them would not be ordained, because they had not reached a true state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, but got no reaction.

She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests, until she got to the final one whose name was Carlos.

As she danced in front of him, his bell ring so loudly that it flew off clattering to the ground.

Embarrassed, Carlos took a step forward and bent over to pick it up.

 

 

Suddenly, all the other bells started to ring like crazy and all hell broke loose!

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Offline AlexMozza

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #755 on: 29 September 2010, 20:39 »
What did the epileptic say when he won the dance contest....
......I only got up to get a drink!
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Offline DarnPB

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #756 on: 29 September 2010, 20:41 »
Cow, an Ant and an Asshole...


A Cow, an Ant and an Asshole are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

Cow:  I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!

Ant:  I work day and night, summer and winter,

I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!
 
 
 











 


 

 

 

 

 


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 























Why are you scrolling down?  It's your turn to say something...    :evil:
 


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Offline simonpolly

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #757 on: 02 October 2010, 18:44 »
One of the Americans On his first visit to Newport, saw that it rained for three straight days. On the third day, he leaned out of his hotel window and asked a kid who was cycling past: 'Does it ever stop raining here?'. The kid replied...'How should I know? I'm only seven.'"
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Offline Neo Badness

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #758 on: 03 October 2010, 00:30 »
What do you call a girl chav in a white tracksuit? The bride.

What does a chav use for protection? A bush shelter.

What do you call a chav girl with a runny nose? Full.

You don't own a Mk2, you support it.

Offline Guy

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #759 on: 04 October 2010, 23:38 »
Extract from Tony's new book...




‘I had regularly started jogging out of Downing Street . On each run I happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.

With some apprehension I would brace myself as I approached her for what was most certainly to follow.

"Fifty quid!" she would shout from the kerb.

"No way, 50p!" I fired back..

This ritual between myself and the hooker continued for days.

I'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty quid!"

And I'd yell back "50p!"

One day however Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany me on my jog.

As we jogged nearer the problematic street corner, I realised the "pro" would bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what I'd really been doing on all my past outings.

I realised I’d need to have a damn good explanation for my illustrious lawyer wife.

As we jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, I became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker.

I tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair of us jog past.

Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled,

"See what you get for 50p?"