Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!

[petrolh34d]

OMG, those last three are funkin hilarious.

PMSL

[luke]

a young boy had a splinter on his rear end, he goes to the doctor to get it pulled out, the doctor got wood 

[VR6_Wherry]

GOOD OLD IRISH JOKES!!!

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.

It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!


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A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whisky.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let
liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"



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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your f***ing plane!"




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Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts

"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.


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Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are
getting on".
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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"


"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"


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Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?

A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you
get a dodgy one!


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Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U...S. prison service for
not servicing the electric chair.

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!


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Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath
beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think
that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

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Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking
like mad in the garden.

Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you
do?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like
it!"


------------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.


"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

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Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !"

[notnowkato]

what cheese do you use to hide a horse





marscaponi

[MrBounce]

The news reports that Gary Glitter slept with an 85-year old have been confirmed as false.

It was actually a Haiti 5 year old.



So the Haiti charity single is going to be "Everybody Hurts" by REM. It's just as well they're not going to use "It's The End Of The World As We Know It" as not only is it a really inconsiderate and inappropriate title for the Haitians, the first line of the song is "That's great it starts with an earthquake..."

[neil-j]

I was booking into a hotel over the weekend with the wife. To avoid temptation I asked the receptionist if I could have the porn disabled. She told me I had to have normal porn like all the other guests.


The other day, I watched as another woman inserted her fingers into my wife's pussy. Like a lot of guys in that situation, I decided to have a w*nk. I thought I better stop when I got a disapproving look from the midwife.


What's the main cause of paedophilia in the UK?

Sexy kids

[Jonnys07]

whats the upside of sh4gging twenty four year olds??



There's twenty of them

[Anil]

Mary was whizzing around the mental hospital in her wheelchair when she was stopped by carl, "license please" said carl, mary sped off round the corner and bumped into leon, "insurance please" said leon, off zoomed mary again until she was stopped by Dave, naked 8 inch hard on, "Oh No!!" cried mary, "not the breathaliser again!"

[Anil]

Reasons why Punjabi's cant be terrorists:

1. We're always late; we would have missed all four flights

2. We would talk loudly and bring attention to ourselves

3. With free food and drinks on the plane we would forget why we're there

4. We talk with our hands, therefore would have to put all weapons down

5. We would be too worried what would happen to the family business if we died

6. We cant keep a secret. Someone from leicester would tell!!!

[Anil]

The local mosque has a fantastic new promotion... if you join today not only will you get a free gown and sandals... but you will also get a free bomber jacket.