My lord Snoops and Jimble. That list of issues is pretty horrendous and would drive me to 'drink'.
Not funny in the least.
Apart from my wonky rear bumper in the flat number plate area (replaced under warranty), self-inflicted damage to front and rear bumpers, vandalism to the roof (twice) and minor damage to the rear screen, my car is faultless and totally rattle free. I would have thought they should all be so. Anything less is unacceptable IMO.
Hope you get these problems attended to and more importantly fixed to your satisfaction.