Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!

[bondbill2k2]

  Great episode.

 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4cAVu9sxHTM&feature=related

[bertmort8]

why did god give women legs


because he saw the feckin mess snails made

[Martz]

Food for thought!!!
 
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Heathrow immigration offices.
 
'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in England with your wife and three children.'
 
The man told the fairy: 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
 
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and --PING!!! He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
 
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.
 
The refugee claimant now got bolder.
 
'I need a big house with a three car garage in Oxford with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.
 
PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, overlooking the river.
 
'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.
 
I want to be like the British with British clothes instead of manjams, and a baseball cap instead of this turban.
And I want to have white skin like the British.'
 
 
PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, an Eagles T-shirt and a Billabong baseball cap.  He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
 
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed.  'Where is my new house?'
 
 
The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are English, you're entitled to f*** all!!!!'  And she disappeared!

[VWKev]

What has Jade Goody and Newcastle United got in common ?

They both have no life left in them.

[vw_sarah]

It has been announced that British Summer Time will from now on be phased in. Instead of adding a whole hour in one go, five minutes will be added to Man Utd games where they need a late goal.

[ben1.8T]

The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an
early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000
for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his
body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his
head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with
a bonus of £72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out
with £96,000..

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old sergeant-major
who, when asked where he would like to be measured, replied, 'From the tip of
my willy to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received.

But the old sergeant-major insisted and they decided to go along with him
providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the sergeant-major to 'drop 'em',
which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the sergeant's willy
and began to work back. 'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your
testicles?'

The old sergeant-major calmly replied, 'The Falklands.'
 

[johnsgti]

Fella buys packet of condoms. Rasberry,banana etc. He says to his wife "Lets play a game, i will put one on and you have to guess what flavour it is." She agrees. She goes under the blankets and and says "Cheesey wotsits." He says, "For f**k sake, give me a chance to put it on!"

[MrBounce]

Mate of mine told me he's shagging twins.

"How do you tell the difference?" I asked him.

"That's easy - her brother's got a moustache"

[johnsgti]

A vicar books in to a hotel and says to the clerk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."  She says, "No sir, its regular porn... you sick bastard." 

[johnsgti]

British rail are at it again...... The sign said if I stood to close to the edge I might get sucked off... Four f**kin hours I wasted......