Author Topic: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!  (Read 141908 times)

Offline MrBounce

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #230 on: 12 August 2008, 15:57 »
After the accident in the Paris tunnel Princess Di goes up to the Pearly Gates, and St Peter lets her straight in because of all her charity work. She wanders around for a bit then notices a familiar famous royal face - it's Princess Grace of Monaco.

"Hello Di" she says "F*cking hurts doesn't it?!"  :grin:


Keeping schtum. Mostly.

Offline dTEA

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #231 on: 22 August 2008, 12:01 »
Ed Zachary Disease


A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.

graphic

So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.' 

The woman did as she was told.

'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'


Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'

Worried the woman asked anxiously, 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?'



Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'

Edition 30 / T5 T32 Kombi

Offline JC

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #232 on: 03 September 2008, 09:20 »
A farmer gets a phone call from his farm hand,

"I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor, still alive".

Farmer say's.

"Shoot him and then bury him".

20 min's later, another phone call.

"Done that, what shall i do with his speed camera?"

Offline ben1.8T

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #233 on: 03 September 2008, 12:00 »
IRISH JOKE OF THE YEAR.


An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'

The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.'

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same
way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars' in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.'

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then the light dawns in his eye and he laughs.

'Oh, no,' he says, 'Everyone is fine. It's me........I've quit drinking!'

 :laugh:
Golf SOLD. Replaced with a Yamaha Raptor 660 quad and loving it. This will be replaced in August with a Raptor 700. Sold the quad now got a Vectra GSI 2.5 V6 and its the nuts.

Brands Hatch massive. MEMBERSHIP ACCEPTED!

Offline Guy

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #234 on: 03 September 2008, 23:50 »
A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth
Wedding anniversary when the wife says "Darling, as this is such a
Special occasion I think that it is time I made a confession.

 

Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years"

 

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and
Says "My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold
Your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of
The trade and spice up our sex life a bit"

 

She said "I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played
For harlequins !!!"

Offline cняis

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #235 on: 05 September 2008, 00:32 »
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment to get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids came back and one by one told their stories.

Karl said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.'

'What's the moral of the story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Emily raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is:

'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Emily. Mick, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the f*ck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been on the piss. '


I don't think a semi will give the same results

Offline cняis

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #236 on: 05 September 2008, 00:34 »
A Water Commission representative stopped at a Wiltshire farm and talked with an old farmer.

He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.'

The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't go into that field over there.'

The water representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Government with me. See this card? THIS CARD MEANS I AM ALLOWED TO GO WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.
 
Later, the old farmer heard loud screams and saw the water rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the water rep with every step. The rep was clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and helpfully shouted out..........



 


 

 


'Your card! Your card! Show him your card!'


I don't think a semi will give the same results

Offline MrBounce

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #237 on: 06 September 2008, 00:11 »
Man comes home from the pub extremely p1ssed. His wife catches him as he stumbles into the kitchen and demands

"How are you going to explain how that lipstick got onto your shirt???!!!"

"Easy" he says. " I used my shirt to wipe my c0ck"


Keeping schtum. Mostly.

Offline Guy

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #238 on: 09 September 2008, 15:41 »
an oldy but goody
+++++++++++++++++++


A Woman was out golfing one
day when she hit the ball into the woods.



She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.



The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three
wishes.'



The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes.



Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'



The woman said, 'That's okay.'



For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.



The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband
the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.



The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and
he will have eyes only for me.'



So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!



For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.



The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he
will be ten times richer than you.'



The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is
mine.'



So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!



The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild
heart attack.'



Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.



Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here
and continue feeling good.



Male readers :
Please scroll down.

...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.



Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.





Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.



PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that
women never listen now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.

Offline madhouse

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Re: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!
« Reply #239 on: 09 September 2008, 16:52 »
  A   Chav girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on   
  the counter. I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress.” she     
  says.                                                                   
  Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.                           
  No" she replies.” This time it's mayonnaise."                           

 

  Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.                     
  The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."                       
  She says "I'll take the red one."                                       
  The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."                         

  An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped           
  and bleeding.                                                             
  The paramedics soon arrive on site.                                     
  Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"
  Girl: "OK"                                                               
  Medic: "What's your name?"                                               
  Girl:  "Sharon."                                                         
  Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"                                   
  Sharon:  "Yes."                                                         
  Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"                                   
  Sharon: "Romford, mate."                                               

  An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was   
  her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the news 
  that there’s a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!"   
  It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There are hundreds of them!"

  Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; There's blood       
  everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till 
  she's lying flat out on the floor.                                     
  Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."                   
  Sharon: "Ok."                                                           
  Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"                             
  Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"                 

 

  An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices 
  something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing.             
  She says, "Scuse me mate, I aint being funny or nuffink, but why doz one 
  of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the  uva one's got an R onit?"       
  So the Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass  of Guinness and replies,   
  "Well, oim a  little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me   
  right  foot and the one wit the L is for me left foot"                   
  Cor blimey, exclaims  the Essex girl, "So THAT’S why me knickers 'ave got   
  C&A on  them.