Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!

[Kent]

Essex Schoolgirls

A train hits a busload of Essex Schoolgirls and they all perish.

They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
St Peter asks the first girl (from Southend), "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger"

St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl (from Chelmsford) the same question, "Joanne have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, and the girl from Romford is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Tracy! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies. "If  I'm going to have to gargle that Holy water...I want to do it before Lorraine sticks her arse in it!!"

[Ashley]

1. John Terry has given up football and is now taking up cricket…. His specialist position while fielding will be in the slips.

 

2. John Terry Vodka is now on sale...it's easy to spot,its the one thats bottled in Moscow

 

3. Giggsy heard comparing Champions League trophy to a chocolate orange. "It's not Terry's, it's mine."

 

4. Apparently the KGB approached John Terry threatening to kill him if he didn't throw the game if it went to penalties... ...luckily he gave them the slip!

 

5. John Terry is now seeking a new career as a payroll administrator...he aims to ensure all slips are delivered on time!

 

[fitkin]

heres a poem...

sing a song for chelsea and how they lost the cup. they took the game to penalties and terry f**ked it up.
the team all looked like avram the players were so glum but me i havent laughed so much since lampard lost his mum.


sorry x

[GTi-Matt]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife, Judy, had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day, John came home with yet another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project' said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school', John said.

'I went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

'What did you watch?' asked Judy.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With lips quivering, Tommy got up, sat down, and said, 'I'm sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you, son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Judy was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! But you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son! `







The robot immediately walked around to Judy, and ... slapped her ... three times!

[Jonnys07]

Rafa Benitez flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football and is impressed and arranges for him to come over to England.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chealsea with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for the reds! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
"Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me. It's wonderful!"
"Wonderful?! " says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day.
"Your father got shot and robbed in the street, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother was beheaded by masked men, all while you were having such a wonderful time."
The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."
"Sorry?!! Sorry?!!" says his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

[Stronz]

Had this pop up in my inbox this morning - thought you would all appreciate!

Some information that you need to know before you see the Ads:
Follow the sequence...

1. BMW started this Advertisement
2. Audi Answered
3. Subaru needed to say something
4. Bentley Chairman wanted the last word

[benjer182]

when i heard weston was on fire i thought " wow that simon is one unlucky bloke"                               im sorry but i had to

[mongchops]

One day a woman went in hospital to have a baby and decided there and then that she would also have cosmetic surgery to her girl thingy to make it look more youthful, seeing as her gammon was dangling a bit low and looked a bit like a ripped out fireplace.

She decided that she needed a little tuck here and a nip there so it would stop looking like a badly packed kebab.

After having her baby, she was immediately taken into the operating room for her horses collar to be worked on.

After coming out of the anaesthetic she saw three roses in a vase at the base of her bed.

"Who sent me the roses?" the woman asked the nurse.
"Well," replied the nurse, "The first rose is from the surgeon, just to say thanks for making the operation go so well."

"Ohhh, that's nice," said the woman, "Who sent the other two then?"

"Well," replied the nurse, "The second rose is from your husband, seeing as you have been so brave."

"Ohhhhh, he's so sweet."said the woman, "But who sent
the third rose?"

"Well," replied the nurse, "Thats from Eric in the burns unit. He just wanted to say thanks for the ears!"

[GTi-Matt]

Golf Balls
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'It's golf balls'.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked;

Does it hurt as  much as tennis elbow?

[gtisteve]

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman were in a pub.

Y'know' says the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you.'

'Well,' replies the Englishman, 'at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.'

'Ahhhhh, that's nothing,' says the Irishman.'Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, and another again... all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.'

The Scotsman and the Englishman dismiss the Irishman's claims. But he swears every word is true.

'Well,' asks the Englishman, 'did this actually happen to you?'

'Not me meself, personally, no,' says the Irishman, 'But it DID happen to me sister.