Author Topic: Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!  (Read 141730 times)

Offline mongchops

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How many Alzheimers patients does it take to change a lightbulb?

To get to the other side.

Offline mongchops

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Leaving the most stupid joke til last............................





What is the most stupid animal in the jungle?

A polar bear.

 :smiley:

Offline mongchops

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Sorry, this actually made me laugh so here you are, last one.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

* 'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

* 'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'

 :smiley:

Offline clipperjay

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THE WEDDING TEST
« Reply #213 on: 07 May 2008, 11:35 »
THE WEDDING TEST

 

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.

 

One day ‘little’ sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

 

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

 

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

 

And the moral of this story is:

 

Always keep your condoms in your car.


Offline VR6Lee

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Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything but Stella?

The barman asks, "whats wrong with Stella?"

Bloke said, "Well I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I got home I was £ucking Skint!"

Barman replies, "If you have 12 pints of anything it would cost you the same"

"No" Said the bloke, "Skint is my dog!"

 :laugh:

Offline ivegotagti

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Why do Japanese Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

So you can tell them apart from feminists. :embarassed:


I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.


A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "F@^& off, you won't bring it back."

Offline ivegotagti

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---- i am not a racist but this is quite funny-----

Why don't black people go on cruises?

They're not falling for that one again.

Dinky

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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'




THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'




IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

Offline ToRo

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Mark Speight and Natasha Collins were the perfect couple...

One was steaming hot,

And the other was well hung.





Mark Speight's suicide has just been release by police. It states:

"For the coffin you will need an empty cereal box with the lid cut off, some sticky back plastic and a couple of egg cartons".
« Last Edit: 11 May 2008, 20:13 by ToRo »

Offline Kent

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Pickle Factory

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his thingy into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my thingy into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."