Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!

[mongchops]

What's 6 ft tall, black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron!

[golf mk2 tornado red]

a guy walks into a bar and orders 10 pints and starts downing them.

barman.. do u have a problem mate

guy..yes ive only got 7pence


coat gone nite pissed

[DarnPB]

Lewis Hamilton has gone into hiding to get away from all the racist comments that he encountered in Barcelona. A McLaren spokesperson said that the public need not worry as he will come out of his tree when he gets hungry.

(Sorry Lewis. I am actually your biggest fan....but it was funny!)

[DarnPB]

Mambo is a 5 year old orhpan with aids living in Zambia.
He has to walk 5 miles to school and 5 miles from school every day.
Your donation of just £1.00 can help buy Mambo a pair of Reebok trainers so that the lazy c@nt can run!

[Uruk Hai]

How many men does it take to deffend Paris ?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

No one knows, its never been tried 

[mongchops]

A tramp runs into a pub and says
" barman , barman, quick give me a tooth pick,"

now the barman is a bit confused and asks,
"why do you want a tooth pick?"

and the tramp just replys,
" just give me the f*cking tooth pick"

so the barman gives him the tooth pick,

then another tramp comes in and also asks for a tooth pick and the barman gives it to him no questons asked,

two more tramps come in and the same happens

then another tramp comes in and asks for a straw, the barman asks him,

" hey , all the other tramps wanted tooth picks, how come you want a staw?"

the tramp replys,

" well some body spewed outside and all the chunky bits are finished!"

 

[AlanD]

>>    An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of
>>    Montecassino went to the local church for confession.
>>
>>    When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional,
>>    the man said, "Father ... during World War II, a
>>    beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood
>>    knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her
>>    from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
>>
>>    The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you
>>    did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."
>>
>>    "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me
>>    with sexual favours. This happened several times a week,
>>    and sometimes twice on Sundays."
>>
>>    The priest said, "By doing that, you placed yourselves
>>    in great danger. However, two people under those
>>    circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness
>>    of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your
>>    actions, you are indeed forgiven."
>>
>>    "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.
>>    But I do have one more question."
>>
>>    "And what is that, my son?" asked the priest.
>>
>>    "Should I tell her the war is over?"

[Chris 'N' Jen]

Appologies if its been posted before 


Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

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Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

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"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"

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"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."

"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

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So I went to the dentist.

He said "Say Aaah."

I said "Why?"

He said "My dog's died."
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'

And a voice said "You are."
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So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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So I rang up a local building firm,
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.'

And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said

'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'

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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me
'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?"

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

"Does this taste funny to you?"

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.

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A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time"
The man replied, "I know I've been ill"

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A man walked into the doctors,
he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"

The doctor said, "well don't go to those places"

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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

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I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
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Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.

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Phone answering machine message -

"...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

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I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all
that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.
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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."

The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"

[GTi-Matt]

a man comes home to find his wife in bed with his best mate

so the man stabs his mate to death, the wife say's:

if you carry on like that, you wont have any friends left

[mongchops]

Welsh Police Chiefs are complaining about the serious over stretching of thier officers.

One insider said "It all stems from the extra officers that we have had to deploy in the Bridgend area to combat all these kids just hanging around"