Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!

[DarnPB]

A trainee mortition was on his first day at the funeral parlour. He was asked to sweep and clean up in the prep room. Moments later, he went to his employer and said, 'you know that dead body of a woman in the prep room?' 'Yes'. said hid employer.
'Well there is a prawn in her girl thingy', said the 16 year old. 'A prawn?' bellowed the boss. 'As sure as I am standing here there is a prawn in that dead ladies girl thingy!' retorted the boy.
They went down to the prep room and the boss pulled back the sheet.
'Thats not a prawn, that is her clitoris!' laughed the employer.
The boy bent over the body. 'It is??' he asked. 'Well it looks like a prawn, and it tastes like a prawn'

[mongchops]

A lesbian goes to a nutritionist because she has indigestion.

The nutritionist says "It's simple - you are what you eat".

so the lesbian turns to her and says...

"Are you calling me a c*nt?"

[mongchops]

A man walks into a sex shop and tells the woman behind the counter he's looking for a blow up doll.

The woman asks "Would you like a christian or muslim doll?"

Confused the man says "What's the difference?"

"Well," replies the woman, "the muslim one blows herself up!"

[mongchops]

Ever hear of the Gary Glitter burger?

It's 60 year old meat in ten year old buns.     

[mongchops]

Reuters Newsflash..................

After yet another earthquake, rescuers in Pakistan have this morning confirmed that the number of dead so far is over 30,000 people and is still rising..........they will attempt to enter a third house this morning.

 

[mongchops]

Freddie Mercury, Versace and Princess Di arrive at the Pearly gates.St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to put forward their case for entry.

Freddie says "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be"

"Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"

Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I'll completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherubs to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place"

"Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Di?"

Diana doesn't say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her arse, lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over the floor.

"Excellent, you're in" says St Peter

"Hold on a f**king minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything"

"Bollocks, Fred you know the rules" says St Peter, "A royal flush beats a pair of Queens...."

[mongchops]

A 12 yr old girl sits on santa's knee.

Santa says " so what would you like for Xmas?"

The girl replies "I'd like some hair around my fanny."

Santa looks at the girl and whispers into her ear "Would a white beard be OK for you?"

[mongchops]

A man walks into a bar and says to the barman "Line me up ten whiskies"
So the barman lines them up and the man gulps them down one after another.
Says the barman, "What are you celebrating then?".
"My first blow job" replies the man.
"Oh well" says the barman "for that I'll buy you one myself."
"No thanks" says the man "If ten doesn't get rid of the taste, another one wont help."

[DarnPB]

Jesus walks into a hotel and throws a load of nails over the counter.
'Put me up for the night!' he says.

[mongchops]

This one is funny as f*ck but a tad sick.
















How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends how hard you throw them.