Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!

[Uruk Hai]

Jeremy Beadles manager said he will be sadly missed, he was a great man who worked round the clock, sadly the little hand couldnt keep up with the big hand. 


Two parrots sat on a perch, one says to the other "can you smell fish"


Whats black and white and hungry ?




Heath Ledgers cat

[mongchops]

A bloke is sitting in a pub with his friends b!tching about going home to his wife.

His friends ask him why he doesn't want to go home to such a fine looking woman and he replies...

"Well, the problem is that she has Gonnorrhea"

So what say the friends, flip her over, shove it up her dirtbox.

"Well, she also has diarrhea" the guy says.

"Yuck, but what about her mouth." The friends chime in.

"Halitosis" the man says.

"Damn, Why would you stay with her?" The friends say.

"Well," the guy replies "She also has worms, and you guys know how I like to fish." 

[mongchops]

A woman goes to the doctor with a bloated stomach and pains.
Doctor doesn't know what's wrong so he takes a blood sample and tells her to come back in a week .
The woman comes back and says 'Oh doctor, I'm in such pain, what's wrong with me?'
to which the doctor replies 'Well, let's put it this way, I hope you like changing nappies'.
So the woman says 'Oh, I am going to have a baby?'
and the doctor says 'No, you've got bowel cancer'.   

[mongchops]

The confession line was very long and the priest needed to use the bathroom badly.
He called in one of the alter boys and asked him to fill-in for a minute.
The priest gave him a list of sins & penance. Just match them up.
The first women confessed to giving the neighbor a blowjob and anal sex.
These weren't on the list, so the alter boy asked another alter boy,
"What does the father give for anal sex and a blowjob?"
"He usually gives me a bag of chips"

[mongchops]

A woman was seriously injured in an auto accident that caused her to go into a coma. After months of treatment, she still showed no signs of recovery. One day the nurse was giving the lady a sponge bath. When the nurse wiped her pussy, the lady quivered. The nurse was excited. She ran into the doctor's office and informed him of the situation. The doctor took the sponge and wiped the lady's pussy and again she quivered.
Immediately the doctor called the lady's husband. When the husband arrived at the hospital, the doctor suggested to him, "Your wife is responding to stimuli. You may be able to bring her out of the coma. Try having oral sex with her. She may respond to your touch and your smell. She needs you." The husband was more than willing. He was however a little embarrassed about having oral sex in front of the doctor. The doctor suggested that he and the nurse would monitor the event from another room across the hall.
So the doctor hooked the lady up to several electrodes and he and the nurse went to the other room to monitor the session. After a while of watching the meters go beep.... beep.... beep...., the heart monitor flat lined. The lady had died. The doctor and nurse ran into the room and asked, "What happened? Your wife is dead!!" The husband replied, "I think she choked."   

[mongchops]

This bloke is sitting in his living room surfing the channels on the television.
All of a sudden, the door whips open and his girlfriend storms through.
She screams, "You f**king asshole!" and she heads into the bedroom.
Stunned, the man flips off the television and walks toward the bedroom, wondering, "Now what have I done?"
Inside the bedroom he finds the girl furiously packing a suitcase. He asks her what's up.
She responds with a hiss, "My therapist says that I should leave you and that you're a pedophile!"
The man responds, "Wow, you're pretty smart for a 12 year old."
   

[mongchops]

Did you hear about the man who raped a deaf and dumb girl,and then broke her fingers so she could'nt tell her mum.

Q. Whats the difference between a woman and a sh!t?
A. You dont have to cuddle a sh!t after you've had it.

 

[pink witch]

A fella wins the lottery and after great thought decides that he wil blow as much as it takes on a really comfy pair of shoes. Finally, after a great deal of searching he finds the most comfortable pair of shoes ever made, in a soft white leather.
Feeling chuffed he tells the assistant he'll buy them.
Thankyou sir,  that will be £25,000.00 please.
What! gasps the fella, 25 grand - I know they're wonderful but how can you justify that price tag?
The assistant smiles, well sir, they're made from genuine human skin - thats why they're so soft and comfortable.
Even so, said the fella, thats a bit steep.
The assistant looks around then takes the fella to one side and whispers -
We also have them in black for £1.99

[pink witch]

A blind bloke walks into a shop with his guide dog. They go to the centre of the shop and the blind guy picks his dog up by its back legs and starts swinging it around.
Stop that! yells the manager, what do you think you're doing?
'Just having a quick look around' replies the blind guy.

[Mrs Futbus]

A word of advice

Never sleep with a down syndrome dwarf.

Its not big and its not clever!!