Jokes section - **May Offend** try not to spam too much!!

[MissGTI]

A Jehovahâs Witness knocked on my door last night.
I asked him in, sat him down and said, "right, what do you want to talk about?"
"f**k knows" he said, "I've never got this far before!"

[N900 MJT]

Brought a Christmas tree the other day. The lad who loaded it into my car askes "Are you going to put it up yourself?"

"No" I replied, "im going to put it in the front room you dirty little fcuk"

[moutains]

2 irish guys in a pub see a man selling a salmon to the bar man for £50 one says to his mate lets ask how he caught it we can do it and make some money. the guy says his mate dangles him over a bridge by his legs and when the salmon passess  i tickle it and call my mate to pull me up. right says the irish man we will have a go so of they trot to the bridge one lowers the other over the bridge telling him to shout when he has the salmon soon the guy is shouting pull me up pull me up the guy says have you got on no he says theres a f---ing train coming

[sparks03]

What's two inches long and goes in one direction?


Louis Walsh's c0ck 

[VR6_Wherry]

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque..

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it
inside.

==========


During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a
falling tree.

A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said, "We didn't even know
they were living up there".

==========


Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough
television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5
times a week now.

==========


I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a
fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

==========


A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet
Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a
ladder that  rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the
ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room
where he meets
another bearded man.

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder
and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another
man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!

The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever
higher.

Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard
and repeats his question:

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath
from all his  climbing.

"No my son...I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"


"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:

"Hey Mohammed, two coffees!!!"

[myvr6isarocket]

Terrorism is killing this world....I remember the good old days when you'd find an unattended bag on a bus and think, 'I'm f**king having that!'

[BanburyCo]

What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark ?



Frost bite !

[mongchops]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is
allowed on the plane ?
The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency Officer
and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. "His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work." said the Agent.
The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the Agent says "Watch this." He tells Smithy to 'search'.
Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, finally sits very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds
Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the Agent's arm.
The Agent says, "Good boy" and he turns to the man and says:
"That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her
seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"That's pretty clever" replies the first man.
Once again the Agent sends Smithy to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds,
returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the Agent's
arm.
The Agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making
note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" says his seat mate.
The Agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.
Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a
moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to sh!t all over the place.
The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can't figure
out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this,
so he asks the agent "What's going on?"




The Agent nervously replies,




"He just found a bomb !"

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[MrBounce]

I think this girl at work has a thing for me.

A restraining order.



A horse walks into a bar.

The mute barman just stares at him.

[MrBounce]

1. Stick pizza in oven, gas mark 6 for 25 minutes.

2. Strangle girlfriend.

3. Dump body.

4. Back just in time to collect pizza from oven, and hop back in the car.

5. Drive to parents for weekend, eating pizza on the way.

6. Blame delay on bad weather.

7. Return home and report girlfriend missing, knowing you have a perfect alibi.