Find out an old school friend, distant relation or gulable male has a flat bed and ask to borrow it!
Hang around truck stops - chat up a guy with a flat bed and ask to borrow it!
Tax and Insure the car (presume it has MOT or you got real probs) Get cheap AA/RAC, cover push it round the corner, call em and tell em it broke down and get it towed home.
Alternatively get it towed from where it is to the nearest cheap garage by a local tow company. Pay the cheap garage to do enough to get it running. Drive it back. Although this still requires Tax, Insurance and possible MOT!!!
Girl... You got yourself into a mess here!