Your head must be spinning!
Looking forward to your write-up. Now, please don't be all diplomatic and don't hold back with your views. Fortune favours the brave!
I have driven all the cars from your list, though not back-to-back.
For myself:
Best chassis, best drive, most fun: R
Best engine: M235i
Best interior: RS3
Most comfortable: 330d sDrive
Best Tech: BMW idrive
Fastest car: RS3
Slowest car: GTI PP
Biggest disappointment: RS3
Least practical: M235i
Least 'fun': 335d xDrive
All excellent cars.