New to gti' new to driving and new to group.car still parked up no insurance grr

[Big blue turbo]

First off all I whould like to introduce myself my name is Kevin I live in liverpool (don't wory I have my own 18's and they came with the car)  I have just passed my test and bought my dream car a gti turbo and there's where the problems started I have an issue with my doors unlocking and my windows going down.did I mention I am also new to forums so it whould be great if someone could point me in the right direction as to where to post about this problem.

It's 01.20 in the morning and I'm wide awake as my stupid but at the same time stupidly good car is doing its transformer impression grrrrrrrrrrr feel like giving up before I've even begun

[hardmonkeys]

Don't give up!!!

Oh and welcome 

[Waspy]

At least disconnect the battery so you can sleep at night without worrying!

[Big blue turbo]

Ye mate done that now the car is completely f**ked put battery back on now wont start atall

[Waspy]

What happens when you turn the key? Nothing at all, cracks but wont fire, struggles to crank?

Not putting the battery back in correctly (terminals need to be tight) can cause it to not start (Nothing happening, or slow crank). If its cranks but wont fire you have other issues.

Since the non-starting problem began with the battery being removed, start there.

[Big blue turbo]

It will crank over quite strong i can hear the fuel pump priming and i have checked all the fuse's.i had a man come out with a diagnostic machine and he said it couldn't pick anything up as in it was acting like it had not been plugged in to anything but to be honest i think he was trying to take me for a ride and had the wrong software.i have took off all connectors lastnight so I'm going to give it a go again later p.s thanks for taking interest my posts have been viewed many times withnot many replies

[gti gurl]

Can you not borrow a battery from someone to see if that helps. I had trouble with the car doing strange things once and it turned out to be the battery.

Good luck 

[gm8]

Im guessing its an AGU ? most code readers wont read them due to the age of the car. Did it start and run before the battery disconnected ? can you smell fuel in the exhaust when its trying to start ?

[Big blue turbo]

Yep it started fine before I took the battery off and yes I can hear the petrol pump priming can also smell petrol sighhhh geting bored of the gti's before I've even begun