Sorry, but this is going to be a lot more fun if you know me.
I've just watched The Dictator, which was excellent by the way - I'd recommend it.
I needed to take it back to Blockbuster in Newport - no worries, grabbed my phone, but not my wallet and headed off from near Cowes, where I live.
There was a traffic car sitting on the island on the outside of the at St Marys roundabout, on the exit for the Yarmouth road. It's here, if you're interested:
http://goo.gl/maps/kg5H3So, I loop down Hunnyhill, drop off at Blockbuster and come back up Medina Way (it's the local dual carriageway, where boy racers tank up and down, which is why they were sitting there). It's a 40mph limit, so I bowl quietly through the roundabout at about 38mph.
They scramble themselves off the traffic Island and I watch them fall in line, light up and struggle to get through the three or four cars behind me.
As they arrive behind me I turn off into the prison estate, they follow, I get on to a straight bit of road and stop.
Do you know why we've pulled you over?
No
You signalled late on the roundabout.
eh?
I didn't see your signal until you were off the roundabout.
(I went straight throught the roundabout)
Errr, OK. (I look confused - it's easy).
Have you got any ID?
No.
Oh, what's your name? And where are you going?
Home to Northwood.
If you're going back to Northwood why did you turn off into the prison estate?
Because I didn't want to sit with you on the main road.
Oh. (the copper now looks confused). What were you doing?
Taking a DVD back to Blockbuster.
Well it's getting towards *that* time in the evening. Have you had anything to drink?
(DING DING DING - this is my specialist subject.)
No, never, I'm a lifetime teetotaller.
Oh.
Are you sure you don't have any ID on you?
Yes, quite sure but you're welcome to follow me home, it's in my wallet on the worktop in the kitchen.
No, that's OK. I'm just going to check your vehicle over.
OK
Your tyres are all worn on the outside edge. You probably have a problem with your tracking.
No, I think it's probably due to enthusiastic cornering
(He now looks really confused.)
Yes it's a common power steering problem
(Don't worry if I don't give the right answer - just make up your response to fit what I might have said, OK?)
Right, well that'll be all.
Thanks.
I drove off giggling. He looked very confused. It's probably just as well I'd turned off the stereo because it was playing a 1994 Chris Morris show from Radio 1 and they were just doing the sketch of finding Johnny Walker dead in Studio 3. I think that might have been a bit too much on top of pulling over a nice, respectable-looking man driving a shed with the wrong alloys on it too fast through a roundabout, on a Tuesday night.
