50 Shades of Chav.
50 Shades of Chav.
"As he approached with those pasty white arms hanging out of his Gola vest, his smile told me it was benefit day and I knew my vel...our tracksuit would be hanging off the lamp shade tonight."
Another extract from my 2nd book 13 flavours of WKD.
"It was Dwayne's birthday. I was preparing his special tea of Findus Crispy Pancakes and Pot Noodle. I would let him take me any way he wanted tonight. His favourite position was what he called The Dogs of War. Where he took me from behind and played Call of Duty at the same time."
More from raunchy Chav fest 13 flavours of WKD.
"Our 6 week anniversary was approaching. This would be my longest relationship without becoming pregnant. I thought of this as he lay on top of me making love. His skinny arms straddled my head like breadsticks either side of an orange. As I rubbed his whiter than white back I imagined every mole I felt was spelling out Braille for I love you"
Last extracts from the final book of the trilogy, 12 Shades of my Fake Tan.
"As I stood in line at the Job Centre thinking of reasons I couldn't work, a sweet smell drifted past my pig like nostrils. It was a mixture of weed, B.O and Lynx Africa. I turned around and there was Dwayne. Our eyes met and he was soon lifting me onto the wheelie bins behind the Iceland. He had tied up his Staffy to block the ally way so we wouldn't be disturbed. There was a tramp watching but it just added to the mystery. I knew it was love and my life would never be the same."
Final extract from the book 12 Shades of my Fake Tan.
"My mum had told me to leave Dwayne many times due to the violence but I knew he loved me as he always took his rings off before he hit me. Tonight though he was in a foul mood, I had f**ked his tea up after failing to de-frost his prawn ring I had nicked from farm foods. He picked up the power lead from my kids mega drive and whipped it across my doughy arse. It stung but I liked it. I shouted again, again so he carried on. I thought my shell suit would rip into a million pieces. As I looked over my shoulder I saw his Weetabix toothed smile. He even had a semi which was rare as the crack normally played havoc with his erections"
More from 12 Shades of my Fake Tan.
"I had a week to myself, bliss. The kids were all at their respective dads apart from Shakira whose dad was on remand. Luckily her Grandma was home as this time last year she was in Malia on an 18-30. Dwayne wanted me to be a Dominatrix but I couldn't get the gear as the new security guard at Ann Summers was a right git. I had to improvise. I put on my fave black slag wellies and wrapped bin bags around my muffin tops. For the mask I pulled my old black period pants over my head. I looked like a Gothic Vanessa Feltz attempting a bank job. Dwayne looked well chuffed as he had scored some Viagra off his dealer. I climbed on top but the idiot was asleep. He had bought diazepam my mistake. I tried to get him inside me but it was like trying to push toothpaste back into the tube. Finishing myself on the kids buzz light-year wasn't my finest hour".
Extract from Book 4: 7 Shades of my Valley Girl
"It was a Friday night and I'd borrowed me mum's make-up and perfume init . I was a little late because the bus's are never on time I'd had too tap up Gramp's for some money as me mum was out at bingo, thinking about it, I hadn't seem mum for a few days . So I knocked on Louise's door, I can already hear the music and voices. The door opened it was Tyrone baker his dad was a drug dealer on the estate he'd only ever spoke too me once before. "Hello Ty" I said, he seemed too be shocked? Maybe it was my red lipstick and blue eye shadow? Anyways, all I remember after that point was me and Tyrone in the kitchen with his hand up my skirt and snogging the face off each other! My first real love was Tyrone Baker and the bastard took my virginity 3 weeks later. I remember the day like yesterday I wasn't quite 15, I was down the working men's club about 3 miles from home and I'd told Tyrone I was meeting Gramp's there about 9pm. Tyrone turned up in his Mercury trainers and what looked like his dads shirt and brown trousers. I was meant too be home by 9:30 if mum was there herself ... As we walked home Tyrone held my hand he looked too the stars and said "ain't they amazing" as in doing so he walked straight into a lamp post the dozy sod! Trying too act all cool he was like "I'm cool, I'm cool" but I could tell he hurt himself. We stopped in the bus stop just out side the flats, he seemed so cute kissing me and my neck init. I placed my hand on his todger and it started too grow and it grew and grew. He pulled down his brown trousers and it was like hosepipe. He was pulling at my jeans and not wanting too disappoint I helped them down. He had me sat in the bus-top looking at the stars wiv my legs spread".
More extracts from Book 4: 7 Shades of my Valley Girl
"I was waiting for Eastenders to start, my kids Tyrone Jnr, Tyrae-Samuel and Henrietta were in bed and I was looking at my arms I only had 2 bruises. I'd pawned my mobile phone till pay-day (dole) and my new love Dwayne who I hadn't heard from in 2 days. I started too cut my nails, well chew them and bite them, my Gramp's used too tell me it wasn't ladylike he was a real gent. After throwing my nails on the floor I decided I needed too wash my feet but I didn't have a washing-up bowl as John two floors down had borrowed it too put his waste oil from his car in and hadn't give it me back. I'd stole some Garnet Sympathy Dulux paint from B&Q, I was trying too get a tenner for it but in the end I painted the front room. I was trying too save for a carpet but hadn't been able too get a few hundred together. I got the 10 litre tub and poured the last 1 litre or so down the sink washed it out best I could and boiled the kettle twice. I didn't have any soap or shower gel so I used the morning fresh fairy liquid, ahhh it was pure bliss and I fell asleep on the sofa dreaming about Dwayne and his tattoo, he's already told me he wants my name on his chest i think I'm in love".
More extracts from Book 4: 7 Shades of my Valley Girl
"I had a week to myself, bliss. The kids were all at their respective dads apart from Shakira whose dad was on remand. Luckily her Grandma was home as this time last year she was in Malia on an 18-30. Dwayne wanted me to be a Dominatrix but I couldn't get the gear as the new security guard at Ann Summers was a right git. I had to improvise. I put on my fav black slag wellies and wrapped bin bags around my muffin tops. For the mask I pulled my old black period pants over my head. I looked like a Gothic Vanessa Feltz attempting a bank job. Dwayne looked well chuffed as he had scored some Viagra off his dealer. I climbed on top but the idiot was asleep. He had bought diazepam my mistake. I tried to get him inside me but it was like trying to push toothpaste back into the tube. Finishing myself on the kids buzz light-year wasn't my finest hour".
More extracts from Book 4: 7 Shades of my Valley Girl
“Kebabs at lunch.....after yet another incident wiv the bathroom door my face was pretty red, Dwayne had fell asleep soIi made my way too town init. Iceland was the 1st on my hit list the security guard had a gold tooth I remember thinking too my self “god hes FIT I'd do him”. As I was minding my own business filling my Sainsburys bag up with frozens 4 the freeza, only had £1.20 on the emergency tho... then I hit the kebab freeza Dwayne really liked kebabs so I tried too get him 5 boxes but then I felt a strong arm squeeze my shoulder and the breath down my neck I went all gooey “oooh” I said out loud....I thought I’d cummed but think I just needed a wee, it was the FIT security guard he'd got hold of me and said “YOUR coming wiv me”Ii was thinking “anywhere darling bham would be nice I like the curries there”. Once in the holding room I’d pleaded wiv Coolio (security guard) that Dwayne would beat me up if I never got him some food, looking around the room I seen 2 security cameras, “hey Coolio you look gorgeous” I said, he even started too blush next min I was gobbling him, his strong arms holding my head and after 2\3 mins he tensed up and I swallowed the lot. It tasted like beach water bit lumpy like chicken soup, Coolio let me keep 2 boxes of microwavable kebabs and 2 boxes of cheeseburgers my fav, but he did say he didn’t want me too see me again. As i walked out I thought to myself “is that what Tulisa feels like” I was on top of the world”.
More extracts from Book 4: 7 Shades of my Valley Girl
“Dwayne didn’t come home last night, I think its probably because his mate had dole and they had a piss up and passed out in an alley way. I knew it wouldn’t be long before he came through the door all ‘angin and ready for bed, so I though i would spice things up a bit for him ‘cos I love him. I grabbed my favourite dress, its bright pink with fluffy neckline and hid the stains from the last time I wore it with my green cardi. I felt guilty about gobbling Coolio but i knew if I told him he would leave me and my house would get taken off me. This would be my way of making it up to him. When he came through the door, I noticed white marks on his trousers and bruises on his neck. He said that it was from falling over but I think he was with that slag from next door. He always goes to her when I’m on and I knew I shouldn’t have told him. He looked me up and down and winked which really got me going. I felt like Tulisa all over again”.
